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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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byrner88

One of my mates is a pilot for Aer Lingus but because of this lockdown he's off work, so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating and he jumped at the chance....

I’ve gotta say, he made a lovely job of the landing!

Nodster

You heard of the Gynecologist who took up DIY?

...he wallpapered his hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox

Ken.

Nodster wrote: »

You heard of the Gynecologist who took up DIY?

...he wallpapered his hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox

Or the gyno that became an apprentice mechanic. First test is to take apart and put back together an engine.

They get their result back and his result is 150%.

He asks the trainer and the trainer says you got 50% for taking it apart, 50% for putting it back together perfectly

and an extra 50% for doing it all through the exhaust pipe.

byrner88

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor..
"I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name.
Bad news is.. you only have six months to live..."
The man goes home and tells his wife.
After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall.
So they both go down to Gala Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine.. and wins €200.
He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house.
He then plays the national link and wins €20000.
Upon receiving the money the MC says "you must be the luckiest man alive.
You win €200, all the bingo money and £20k national."
The man says "I have Yellow 42"
"F**k me" says the MC, "you've won the raffle as well"

Capt'n Midnight

BREAKING: 99-year-old army veteran Captain Tom Moore has raised more than £20m for the NHS by doing 100 laps of his garden.

Manchester Utd are reportedly eyeing him up as a replacement for Jesse Lingard.

castletownman

When asked what was his favourite holiday, Arnold Schwarzenegger commented: "Have ta love Easter, baby".

byrner88

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, MY WIFE Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your email!"

byrner88

A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun

[Deleted User]

I've just learned how to rebuild the brake calipers on my car by watching a youtube video, there's no stopping me now!

Capt'n Midnight

When quarantine is over let's not tell some people.

Capt'n Midnight

Another symptom of Covid-19 is that it makes your hair grow longer.

RobMc59

What's 100 metres long and has got 8 teeth?

The queue outside Aldi in Rhyl...

byrner88

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it, “snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathised the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fuc*ing putt, didn’t you?”

fryup

RobMc59 wrote: »

What's 100 metres long and has got 8 teeth?

The queue outside Aldi in Rhyl...

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

Capt'n Midnight

fryup wrote: »

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

The origin of the name "Rhyl" is not fully known. It appears in old documents variously as Hulle (1292), Hul (1296), Ryhull (1301), Hyll (1506), Hull (1508), [Leidiart] yr Hyll (1597), Rhil (1706), Rhûl (1749), Rhul (1773) Rhyll (1830), and Rhyl (1840).

Hope that clears it up for you.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^

oh yes, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !

[Deleted User]

fryup wrote: »

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

Alice lived there, but then again, "who the fúck is Alice!"

[Deleted User]

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

The origin of the name "Rhyl" is not fully known. It appears in old documents variously as Hulle (1292), Hul (1296), Ryhull (1301), Hyll (1506), Hull (1508), [Leidiart] yr Hyll (1597), Rhil (1706), Rhûl (1749), Rhul (1773) Rhyll (1830), and Rhyl (1840).

Hope that clears it up for you.

It's just about 50Km east of llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

blinding

fryup wrote: »

and where the fuk is Rhyl?

I think its a Welsh Joke ! !

Capt'n Midnight

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico

blinding

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico

Mexicans Love Stupidity. Thats Why they Migrate North ! !;)

RobMc59

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and piss off.
As I walked out of the door she screamed"I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery,boredom and pain!"

I said:"make your mind up, one minute you`re telling me to piss off and now you want me to stay!"

el_gaucho

I asked a friend who works in fruit picking. He confirmed that you don’t any particular sad kills or training. You just pick it up as you go along.

tayto lover

RobMc59 wrote: »

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and piss off.
As I walked out of the door she screamed"I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery,boredom and pain!"

I said:"make your mind up, one minute you`re telling me to piss off and now you want me to stay!"

True story.
A lad I worked with had a row with his wife.
He went upstairs and packed two bags.
When she saw him coming down with the bags she said “ and where do you think you’re going?”.
He said “ I’m going nowhere, they’re your bags”.

Deja Boo

Just ordered my new read... a book that explains the logic of men.

It's a comic book.

blinding

Deja Boo wrote: »

Just ordered my new read... a book that explains the logic of men.

It's a comic book.

Sure the Women like their Romantic Fairy Tales !

Suckit

I was talking to a 5G installation engineer today, and was told that people are constantly accusing them, with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches or killing their sperm. It seems that they are completely crazy.
4G must have fried their brains.

New Home

Deja Boo wrote: »

Just ordered my new read... a book that explains the logic of men.

It's a comic book.

I've read it! I thought it was more science fiction, though.

Deja Boo

New Home wrote: »

I've read it! I thought it was more science fiction, though.

pure fantasy

Capt'n Midnight

Suckit wrote: »

I was talking to a 5G installation engineer today,.[/SIZE]

5G reuses frequencies that used to have hundreds of kilowatts pumped out by the TV companies or are very close to those used by radar which also peaks at dozens of kW.

/RANT

My wife recently told me that now I am a parent I need to make sacrifices.

But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat