The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945.

fr336

Virus relieved as it tests negative for Trump (nicked from Private Eye)

joeguevara

You got to feel for Philip Schofield. He is only just come out and now is being told to stay in.

joeguevara

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.

Honestly, Simon Coveney is starting to sound like my fcuking girlfriend.

joeguevara

Just thinking of what it’s going to be like in 5 years time listening to all the Chavs telling darling Covid and Corona to stop fighting and eat their McDonalds.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Just back from the shops. Apparently there's no problem if you just wear a mask and some gloves.

Didn't work - everyone else was wearing clothes.....

Capt'n Midnight

If you're worried about coronavirus,

Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.

everlast75

My condolences to all the mammies who this year, instead of going to the pub and getting pissed, have to spend their mothers' day with their kids

GBX

There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time.

It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund...

RobMc59

I said to the missus last night,"here,put this nurse's outfit on""Oh"she said ,"whys that?"
I said,"we need a loaf".

Capt'n Midnight

A man doesn't walk into a pub...

fr336

I keep waking up and realising it wasn't just an awful nightmare - Donald trump really is the president.

Mugger arrested after mugging several people today has been charged with violating social distancing rules.

iamstop

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

If you're worried about coronavirus,

Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure treatment.

FYP

iamstop

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

The local chipper I go to still wrap their meals in newspaper
Yesterday I got a Plaice in the Sun

Old news.

Capt'n Midnight

Germany limiting groups to two people. It's the best zwei to avoid a drei cough.

byrner88

I found a small lump on one of my testicles this morning. I went and had them scanned today. I'm now barred from Dunnes !!

byrner88

Had sex with my girlfriend in the car last night, It was pretty uncomfortable,
I wish we'd dropped her parents off first

Edgware

byrner88 wrote: »

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

I gave a speech at the National Haemorrhoids Association Conference. I got a standing ovation

the beer revolu

I tried to organise a tantric sex party.
No one came.

Suckit

Mod-remember this is a pg13 site.

The Princess Bride

Prince Charles has just been diagnosed with corona virus.
Which goes to show it is heirborn.

byrner88

I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

What a bunch of ****.

patmac

Meatloaf is married to an accountant. She'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT

tobsey

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?

"Check for squirrel." he responds

everlast75

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel.

The Princess Bride

A man died today after jumping on his nemesis from a tall building.
He was pronounced dead on a rival.

Sales of deodorant slump as people try to ensure social distancing!

RobMc59

My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day..

Just wish his wife would do the same.

Hagar7

Mod- There is a whole forum dedicated to pics & videos.