The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

New Home

My therapist says I’ve a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that!

New Home

My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

New Home

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce “unionised”.

byrner88

Ryanair have said they will provide free face masks for all their passengers.

The elastic band that goes behind your ears will cost €60

fryup

New Home wrote: »

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce “unionised”.

valoren

fryup wrote: »

Trade Unions.
Ionized atoms.

Unionised. Un-ionised.

byrner88

Paddy comes home from school and proudly announces to his parents "Mam! Dad! The teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy. "That's amazing Paddy! And what was the question?"

Paddy: "Who farted?"

blade1

fryup

^^^ sick joke, too ashamed to type it out??

Stolen from the mash
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/lifestyle/six-things-not-to-have-in-the-background-during-a-video-call-20200501196015

Six things not to have in the background during a video call

1st May 2020
ARE you spending a lot of time on frustrating Zoom calls? Here is a guide to things you shouldn’t have in the background.
A poorly thought-out bookcase

It’s important to take time to reorder your shelves so that your pristine editions of A Brief History of Time and Ulysses can clearly be seen over your shoulder, while your body obscures your well-thumbed copies of Fifty Shades of Grey or loads of Sven Hassel SS novels.
Shít sports trophies
If someone asks what that silver cup is, don’t put yourself through the humiliation of admitting it was a trophy you won 30 years ago for taking part in an egg-and-spoon race. And everyone got one.
Children
We’ve all seen the BBC interview with that guy in Korea where his kids burst in behind him. It was adorable. Kids ARE adorable. But when you finally snap and scream “STOP F**KING MESSING ABOUT WITH MY F**KING KEYBOARD YOU LITTLE F**KING BASTARDS!”, it can come across badly in a business meeting.
Dirty laundry
It’s easy to forget how slobby you have become during lockdown. Friends, family and colleagues do not need to see the pair of pants you’ve worn for three weeks drying on a ledge behind you. Particularly the skidmarks.
A mirror
Any reflective surface behind you could reveal your screen. This risks revealing that you have relegated FaceTime to a tiny corner and opened a second, much larger, window to discreetly browse the Daily Mail sidebar and Pornhub. We’ll leave it you to decide which has the more insulting depiction of women.
Your genitals
Your personal bits have never felt so free! Just don’t stand up and reveal to work colleagues that you’ve been Donald Ducking it for weeks.

BorneTobyWilde

blade1

fryup wrote: »

^^^ sick joke, too ashamed to type it out??

It's a joke, no shame required.
Plenty of jokes are copied and pasted on here.

Are u ok?

Deja Boo

Bob Harris wrote: »

Are you Mike Tyson?

...and why is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!

Deja Boo

Knock, knock.
...Who’s there?
Obama?
...Obama who?

Oh ba ma selllllf

Capt'n Midnight

Deja Boo wrote: »

...and why is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!

And dyslexic isn't easy to sell.

Mehaffey1

A Russian Commander was marching his large force through Finland in 1939. From behind a bush he hears

"One Fin is better than 10 Russians"

Confident, he sends ten of his best men into the bush. There's the sound of fighting and then silence. Then the same voice

"One Fin is better than a hundred Russians!"

Irritated, the commander sends his next best 100 men into the bushes. A large firefight ensues for a moment then silence. Then the voice again

"One Fin is better than A THOUSAND Russians"

Furious, the commander sends a thousand men. A huge fight begins, grenades explode, machine guns fire, he hears screaming and then a bloodied Russian soldier crawls from the bush. The commander runs to him and holds him in his arms.

With the soldiers dying breath he says.

"Don't send anymore. It's a trap. There's two of them."

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

castletownman

Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of scones and I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.

coolhull

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....



"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

everlast75

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

byrner88

What's the difference between a Priest having a bath and a woman having a bath?
The Priest has a soul full of hope...
The woman has a ....

M.T. Cranium

concern about the priest in her bath?

blade1

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

concern about the priest in her bath?

He prayed for her shins!

everlast75

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink.

A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?"
"Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies.
"Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

coolhull

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

castletownman

I see Neil Diamond is selling some of his prized motors on e-bay.

Sweet Car Online

byrner88

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven. After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg on its maiden voyage?" “Oh, that’s easy,” the Irishman replies, “the Titanic.” So St. Patrick welcomes him into Heaven. Next he asks the Scott, “How many people died on that ship?” “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and I think that it was 1,500.” St. Patrick steps aside and the Scott walks into Heaven. Finally, St. Patrick turns to the Englishman and says, “Name them.”

byrner88

My dog ate his roll of poop bags.

He's been picking up his own sh*t for a week now.

MrCostington

Saw an article about procrastination on the BBC site.

I'll read it later.





True story https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200121-why-procrastination-is-about-managing-emotions-not-time

Deja Boo

I wasn't able to make reservations at the library.


They're completely booked.