What's the etiquette here??

Bullocks · 16-07-2019 8:07pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

gerrybbadd wrote: »

No doubt looking for the all (and i mean ALL) over tan. Must have fell asleep, cheeks akimbo

Probably hadn’t been “clean” either.

Maybe it involved alcohol and passing out after dropping a “load” down on the beach?

You've hit the nail on the head there Emmet , them eggs could only have been laid in a little unnoticed piece of dung and you would be surprised how fast they would eat into the skin from there . Tough guy probably kept himself topped up and sedated with drink until it was too late to get them washed out without medical attention .
I've seen a similar happen in my own village when we were young lads on holiday and I can tell ye 100% not to use sheep dip on a mans nether regions . Get the stuff the doc recommends . We can laugh about it now but there was a time when we thought we burned the meat and two veg of one of our buddies and that he would never have kids of his own (as it turned out the hornbag has 3 with 2 different women now !).

Former Observer · 16-07-2019 11:22pm

Spot on lads. Good detective work. I haven't gone into the gory details with him but this fellah would be fairly obese. Big fat folds of skin on him, smell of camembert even on a mild day, and no way he his cleaning that hoop fastidously. He'll have gone in for a doner kebab after ten bottles of San Miguel and shat himself on the way home. A bluebottle will have kite-surfed up the trail of slime on the inside of his shorts and impregnated his anus with eggs. He doesn't strike me as a nude sunbather but I could also imagine the phucker sleeping naked in a pool of greasy sweat in his hotel room on a sweltering Andalusian night and maybe the little bugger came in the window. Aaron is probably a perma-crowner so it'll have burrowed in where his anus lips are flush wifh the turd and settled it's eggs in there. Horrible to think about really.

ohnonotgmail · 16-07-2019 11:24pm

You certainly paint a picture. Quite evocative.

Hector Savage · 17-07-2019 9:46am

jaysus, I think thats the first time I've felt ill on this thread, and that's saying a lot ..

17-07-2019 10:02am

Hector Savage wrote: »

jaysus, I think thats the first time I've felt ill on this thread, and that's saying a lot ..

It's gone too far.

JohnnyFlash · 17-07-2019 10:13am

I think I've informed the thread before that you could set your pocket watch to my bowel movement - I'd finish up my morning mug of tea, stub out my second Marlboro Red, and stride quickly and confidently into the main jacks in my home with a look of urgency and purpose on my face. I'd never leave the house without having carried out ablutions. It really sets a man up for the day, and I'd like to think that being an early AM pooper is one of the reasons I'm so successful in life.

However for the past three 3 weeks I've been using one of those vape pens instead of going through 20 'cowboy killers' a day. Working in fairness, and I'm feeling better - most of the time. The worst side-effect so far is that my digestive clock has gone slightly out of sync. Nothing dramatic like suddenly finding yourself 'turtle necking' at midnight just as you're about to hit the hay, or going from a once-a-day sort of chap to someone who visits the pewter palace 3 or 4 times before lunch. Nah, just a slight change to my schedule. It's causing me some distress at the same time though - a ritual is hard to break.

I was driving up the coast road past St. Anne's Park this morning having left the house only 20 minutes earlier. Hadn't 'blown me guts' before I left, as I didn't need to, and I was never a fan of forcing a movement. Suddenly felt one of those slight cramps, and heard one of those low ominous cramps. Knew I had to find facilities fairly rapido. Nothing down that road - past Anne's Park, Wong's Chinese, first bit on Clontarf, the rest of Clontarf - nothing. Starting to panic, so I decided to swing a sharp left onto the Alfie B road as I knew East Wall had a number of passable facilities. Disaster - traffic was very slow, with about 10000 IT nerds in Toyota Prisus's heading into East Point. Bad now, with some serious 'crowning' taking place. I briefly considered pulling over and trying to 'bag' the thing, but I got the Landcruiser valeted only last week.

Eventually made it into the Lidl carpark, and ran in the door of the McDonald's for a 'drive through MCShít'. Up the stairs, which is always the last think you want to encounter when the first two inches are cold. Into the basic enougg facilities, and splendid relief!!

Stayed around for a double sausage McMuffin and coffee. It was a very close call, but I feel emotionally and physically lighter as a result. Be careful out there, folks.

gerrybbadd · 17-07-2019 10:18am

You'll be giving birth again shortly after that breakfast combo. Trust me, McDonald's coffee is very nice, but it's laxative effects are powerful. Throw a double sausage mcmuffin into the mix, and all bets are off.

Hector Savage · 17-07-2019 1:51pm

Slightly concerned that after reading this thread I have a hankering for McDonalds, it's been months since I've been...

gerrybbadd · 17-07-2019 2:06pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Slightly concerned that after reading this thread I have a hankering for McDonalds, it's been months since I've been...

A hankering for McDonald's followed by a Hankying for your anus

EmmetSpiceland · 17-07-2019 2:13pm

I’ve never had any “effects” from McDonalds, I guess I stay away from their “breakfast” so that might be it.

Haven’t had it in a good while at this stage. I’d actually put “Supermacs” and “Burger King” ahead of them on the “fast food” table now.

Utter Consternation · 17-07-2019 2:27pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve never had any “effects” from McDonalds, I guess I stay away from their “breakfast” so that might be it.

Haven’t had it in a good while at this stage. I’d actually put “Supermacs” and “Burger King” ahead of them on the “fast food” table now.

In terms of preference of the big chains i'd have:

1. Supermacs
2. McDonalds
3. Burgerking.

I always found that McDonalds left me with an empty feeling afterwards. Never used to fill me up.

I did rather like the double quarter pounder with cheese. Very greasy and i'd no problem with subsequent bowel movements. If anything it encouraged them.

Former Observer · 17-07-2019 2:31pm

Fine coffee indeed Gerry. I can see you're a man of superior insight. Some people will scoff if you tell them you're a fan of the awl Mickey D's Caffè Americano, but it's a dependable, streamlined product without that awful bitterness that the gourmet coffee bistros are fooling people with these days. There are many countries in the world where the best coffee you'll get without going completely off the beaten track is inside McDonalds. Now you'll be pissing streams of rancid brown dung-water through your hoop within 50 minutes, and if there's any turd lying in repose it'll get shot out at force into the pewter, in my case usually decomposing on impact shedding vile stinking sawdust and oatmeal all over the basin, but a decent cortado or cafe leche is worth it I feel.

Hector Savage · 17-07-2019 2:43pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’ve never had any “effects” from McDonalds, I guess I stay away from their “breakfast” so that might be it.

Haven’t had it in a good while at this stage. I’d actually put “Supermacs” and “Burger King” ahead of them on the “fast food” table now.

McDonalds while not healthy is a very safe bet for not giving you any stomach issues - sure the stuff doesn't even decompose ..

coffee could be another story tho ..

Ush1 · 17-07-2019 2:48pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

McDonalds while not healthy is a very safe bet for not giving you any stomach issues - sure the stuff doesn't even decompose ..

coffee could be another story tho ..

Hold the horses there now, it ain't all sunshine and flowers.

I'm know to down 9 pints of cider and get a 20 Mcnugget sharebox with 4 curry sauces and a large fries.

The next days deposit(s) tend to be foul in both smell an texture. Comes out like shredded newspaper with a nasty orange glow.

Utter Consternation · 17-07-2019 2:54pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Hold the horses there now, it ain't all sunshine and flowers.

I'm know to down 9 pints of cider and get a 20 Mcnugget sharebox with 4 curry sauces and a large fries.

The next days deposit(s) tend to be foul in both smell an texture. Comes out like shredded newspaper with a nasty orange glow.

There's something out of sync with your pint to nugget ratio. You should be hitting double digit pints to be able to put away that amount of nuggets and chips.

Nine pints would be a good night out, but wouldn't be a days drinking.

Former Observer · 17-07-2019 2:56pm

It's called soakage lads.

gerrybbadd · 17-07-2019 2:58pm

What's the opinion on KFC lads?

11 secret herbs and spices. 11 different visits to the jacks the morning after for me. I love the stuff, but damn, does it do a number on me. I consider pocketing a fistful of those lemon scented wipes for the leather cheerio whenever i'm in there, to avoid a Nashville Hot asshole

Utter Consternation · 17-07-2019 2:59pm

Former Observer wrote: »

It's called soakage lads.

It's a foolish person that sets into drinking pints without a bit of lining in the stomach.

It'll be coming out of both ends if you don't lay a solid foundation pre-refreshments.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-07-2019 3:13pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Hold the horses there now, it ain't all sunshine and flowers.

I'm know to down 9 pints of cider and get a 20 Mcnugget sharebox with 4 curry sauces and a large fries.

The next days deposit(s) tend to be foul in both smell an texture. Comes out like shredded newspaper with a nasty orange glow.

Considering how they are “put” together I’m not surprised, pink sludge from forehead “meat” squashed into shapes. Nasty business.

gerrybbadd wrote: »

What's the opinion on KFC lads?

11 secret herbs and spices. 11 different visits to the jacks the morning after for me. I love the stuff, but damn, does it do a number on me. I consider pocketing a fistful of those lemon scented wipes for the leather cheerio whenever i'm in there, to avoid a Nashville Hot asshole

Not a fan of the KFC, G. Do you still get a corn on the “cob” with the meals?

Ush1 · 17-07-2019 3:25pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

There's something out of sync with your pint to nugget ratio. You should be hitting double digit pints to be able to put away that amount of nuggets and chips.

Nine pints would be a good night out, but wouldn't be a days drinking.

Don't I know it!:pac:

The local taxi men know me as the Nugget Champion. 9 pints wouldn't be day drinking at all, just a Friday night in the local job.

JohnnyFlash · 17-07-2019 3:30pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

There's something out of sync with your pint to nugget ratio. You should be hitting double digit pints to be able to put away that amount of nuggets and chips.

Nine pints would be a good night out, but wouldn't be a days drinking.

9 pints would be my limit these days for a quiet evening in the pub. Age waits for no man.

Former Observer · 17-07-2019 3:32pm

Very proud moment for me just now. Gave birth to a twelve-incher. The birthing was unremarkable, no strain whatsoever, and I'm lucky I wasn't gawking at my phone as I'd have missed the whole thing. A real rivermonster. And the way he slid down into the water and out of sight was a thing of beauty. I said adieu and we parted ways. Who knows what he'll do now, but I like to think he'll travel the world and be reintegrated with the life-force or "mana" of the universe, becoming one with mother nature. I feel high. Farewell kind soul.

Aglomerado · 17-07-2019 3:33pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Very proud moment for me just now. Gave birth to a twelve-incher. The birthing was unremarkable, no strain whatsoever, and I'm lucky I wasn't gawking at my phone as I'd have missed the whole thing. A real rivermonster. And the way he slid down into the water and out of sight was a thing of beauty. I said adieu and we parted ways. Who knows what he'll do now, but I like to think he'll travel the world and be reintegrated with the life-force or "mana" of the universe, becoming one with mother nature. I feel high. Farewell kind soul.

"That's the circle, the circle of poo!"

Utter Consternation · 17-07-2019 3:39pm

Ush1 wrote: »

Don't I know it!:pac:

The local taxi men know me as the Nugget Champion. 9 pints wouldn't be day drinking at all, just a Friday night in the local job.

Ush1 wrote:

It all started with having six nuggets with fries after a feed of pints at the weekend. Just a few harmless nuggets, so i thought.

Then i upped it to nine nuggets, then twelve and then sixteen. By the time i realised it was too late i was on twenty nuggets a night.

My habit had consumed me. I was having unprotected sex with truckers in laybys just to feed my habit. I'd suck any dick for some sweet and sour sauce.

Once i found the higher power of twenty pints and Zaytoon i had managed to ween myself off this horrendous addiction.

I've lived to tell this tale so that others who start on nuggets don't fall into the same trap as I

A cautionary tale indeed, i may have used some artistic licence to hammer the point home.

So to speak. :pac:

Ush1 · 17-07-2019 3:42pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

A cautionary tale indeed, i may have used some artistic licence to hammer the point home.

So to speak. :pac:

Accurate(although it was curry, not sweet and sour) and frightening. Be careful out there folks.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-07-2019 3:52pm

Former Observer wrote: »

Very proud moment for me just now. Gave birth to a twelve-incher. The birthing was unremarkable, no strain whatsoever, and I'm lucky I wasn't gawking at my phone as I'd have missed the whole thing. A real rivermonster. And the way he slid down into the water and out of sight was a thing of beauty. I said adieu and we parted ways. Who knows what he'll do now, but I like to think he'll travel the world and be reintegrated with the life-force or "mana" of the universe, becoming one with mother nature. I feel high. Farewell kind soul.

Did it break the waterline while still “attached”? That’s always a great “achievement” that should be celebrated and shared with others.

Former Observer · 17-07-2019 4:16pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Did it break the waterline while still “attached”? That’s always a great “achievement” that should be celebrated and shared with others.

He certainly did Emmet, he certainly did.

And he slid away with all the sadness and grace of a ballet dancer in Swan Lake.

Farewell my child.

I'd say some of the lads in Zaytoon are birthing their own river monsters in the back rooms. I'd be surprised if they are washing their hands either. Very nice food when last I had it ten years ago.

Utter Consternation · 17-07-2019 4:20pm

Former Observer wrote: »

He certainly did Emmet, he certainly did.

And he slid away with all the sadness and grace of a ballet dancer in Swan Lake.

Farewell my child.

Did you throw a single rose and some soil down the jacks, like a bereaved man watching the coffin of a recently deceased relative descend slowly into the grave.

EmmetSpiceland · 17-07-2019 4:29pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Did you throw a single rose and some soil down the jacks, like a bereaved man watching the coffin of a recently deceased relative descend slowly into the grave.

I would hope not, it’s a “joyous” occasion.

Sure it’s “tinged” with sadness and “bittersweet”, like that Harry Chapin song “Cats in the Cradle” but there’s pride and joy in there too.

Former Observer · 17-07-2019 4:36pm

Some of you might think I'm being a bit soppy, but I feel very happy and proud at this moment. I guess this is how a women feels after she's given birth to a plump, stocky little future front-rower. My baby boy will definitely make the team.

What's the etiquette here??

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