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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #1382
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    I told my dad he should embrace his mistakes so he hugged me and my sister.


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    #1383
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Try_harder wrote: »
    The spanish inquisition did inform people in advance*

    *QI

    I must try harder so:pac:


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    #1384
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,889 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I've just thought of this. Interested if anyone can find similar on the google machine. Otherwise, I might have just developed my very own joke. Or alternative Otherwise, my sub-conscious is working over-time this evening. Whether it's funny or not is another thing.


    I received a letter from the Spanish Inquisition the other day. They said they'd be arriving at 3.30pm on Saturday 11th August 2018. .

    https://twitter.com/qikipedia/status/447876256772943872?lang=en


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    #1385
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    https://twitter.com/qikipedia/status/447876256772943872?lang=en

    Sub Conscious so- thought as much :P


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    #1386
    munster87
    Registered Users Posts: 4,238 ✭✭✭munster87


    natashaob6 wrote: »

    Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn't come out yet.

    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

    He worked it out with a pencil.


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    #1387
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Tommy goes a to a gorgeous girl wow what are you doing in a corner all alone? The gorgeous girl replies I had to fart.

    Father is bringing child home from playschool. When he get home he tells the wife the child hasn't stopped crying since he put him in the car. The wife says no wonder his crying he's not our little Frankie.


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    #1388
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,889 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    "Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like "Ghost town" and "Too much too young".

    "Well that's true", I said to the waiter,

    "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about the specials"...


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    #1389
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,889 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A friend of Donald Trump's told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night. There was a really, really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of happy people lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge!

    Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?"

    His friend said "I couldn't tell. The casket was closed!"


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    #1390
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    My wife and i have been married for quiet a number of years now. The other day she asked me to bring home some pills so we could get in to some action in The bedroom. I brought her home some diet pills. That's wasn't what she meant.


    What do you give a man who has everything? A woman who can show him how everything works.


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    #1391
    milltown
    Registered Users Posts: 4,613 ✭✭✭milltown


    natashaob6 wrote: »
    What do you give a man who has everything?

    Penicillin?


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    #1392
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Woman says to man while having sex please say dirty things to me. The man kitchen, bathroom,living room.


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    #1393
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,889 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    natashaob6 wrote: »
    What do you give a man who has everything?
    A box to put it in.


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    #1394
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    A box to put it in.

    Give him a box and take everything back off him.


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    #1395
    Buford T. Justice XIX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    A Japanese man walks into a bank and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?" "Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed." "Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fcuk you Americans, too!"


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    #1396
    Buford T. Justice XIX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
    At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
    The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And ‘poof’ she's gone.
    The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.
    The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asks
    "Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
    St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
    St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."


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    #1397
    valoren
    Registered Users Posts: 5,458 ✭✭✭valoren


    I got arrested in Tesco last night for stealing yoghurts.
    In fairness, I was taking a few Liberté's.


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    #1398
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    What's The difference between a bachelor and a married man? A batchelor will come home and look in the fridge and then go to bed but a married man will come home and look in the bed and then look in the fridge.


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    #1399
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy.

    However, that's not the case.


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    #1400
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    Yesterday I saw a man spill all his Scrabble letters on to the ground. I went up and asked him what is the word on the ground?

    Why do we always say to actors break a leg. Because there's always a cast in the play.


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    #1401
    blueser
    Registered Users Posts: 10,693 ✭✭✭✭blueser


    My mate set me up on a blind date.

    He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

    I felt like a right fcuking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.


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    #1402
    milltown
    Registered Users Posts: 4,613 ✭✭✭milltown


    I got sacked from my job in the sperm bank.
    They didn't appreciate me saying "get a load of this guy!" every time somebody walked in.


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    #1403
    Try_harder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,681 ✭✭✭Try_harder


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I must try harder so:pac:

    I got my username from this thread!


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    #1404
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I bought my mum a Wombles pepper mill for Christmas. It's rubbish, everyone complains it's either underground or overground


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    #1405
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,569 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    TheBody wrote: »
    I bought my mum a Wombles pepper mill for Christmas. It's rubbish, everyone complains it's either underground or overground


    I bet she was so disappointed she grounded you!


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    #1406
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A man walks in to a bar and says to the barman ten shots of whiskey please? The barman asks why ten shots of whiskey? The man replies I'm celebrating. What Are you celebrating asks the bar man. My first blowjob. Congradulations says the barman. The man again replies if that doesn't kill the taste nothing will.


    The leper says to the prostitute after getting a blowjob you can keep the tip.


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    #1407
    evil_seed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,444 ✭✭✭evil_seed


    What do you call a mummy dipped in chocolate?
    A Pharaoh Roché


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    #1408
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A couple just had sex. The woman says, "If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby ?" The man takes off his condom ties a knot in it. and flushes it down the toilet. "Well" he says "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini"


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    #1409
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    This morning my grandad walked in to my room with a young man with a young bearded man wearing a skinny jeans. I asked him who's the guy and he said it's my hip replacement.

    I said to the doctor I feel constedatid he said to me I think you mean constipated. I then I said no doctor I just had a vowel movement.


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    #1410
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,889 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    natashaob6 wrote: »
    This morning my grandad walked in to my room with a young man with a young bearded man wearing a skinny jeans. I asked him who's the guy and he said it's my hip replacement.
    who is the coolest guy in the hospital ?

    The ultrasound guy !


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    #1411
    h7nlrp2v0g5u48
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭h7nlrp2v0g5u48


    A mime broke his arm in a bar fight he still has the right to be silent.


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