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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I told my dad he should embrace his mistakes so he hugged me and my sister.

[Deleted User]

Try_harder wrote: »

The spanish inquisition did inform people in advance*

*QI

I must try harder so:pac:

Capt'n Midnight

Deleted User wrote: »

I've just thought of this. Interested if anyone can find similar on the google machine. Otherwise, I might have just developed my very own joke. Or alternative Otherwise, my sub-conscious is working over-time this evening. Whether it's funny or not is another thing.

I received a letter from the Spanish Inquisition the other day. They said they'd be arriving at 3.30pm on Saturday 11th August 2018. .

https://twitter.com/qikipedia/status/447876256772943872?lang=en

[Deleted User]

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

https://twitter.com/qikipedia/status/447876256772943872?lang=en

Sub Conscious so- thought as much :P

munster87

natashaob6 wrote: »

Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn't come out yet.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Tommy goes a to a gorgeous girl wow what are you doing in a corner all alone? The gorgeous girl replies I had to fart.

Father is bringing child home from playschool. When he get home he tells the wife the child hasn't stopped crying since he put him in the car. The wife says no wonder his crying he's not our little Frankie.

Capt'n Midnight

"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like "Ghost town" and "Too much too young".

"Well that's true", I said to the waiter,

"But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about the specials"...

Capt'n Midnight

A friend of Donald Trump's told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night. There was a really, really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of happy people lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge!

Donald was very impressed and said, "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair OK?"

His friend said "I couldn't tell. The casket was closed!"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

My wife and i have been married for quiet a number of years now. The other day she asked me to bring home some pills so we could get in to some action in The bedroom. I brought her home some diet pills. That's wasn't what she meant.

What do you give a man who has everything? A woman who can show him how everything works.

milltown

natashaob6 wrote: »

What do you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin?

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Woman says to man while having sex please say dirty things to me. The man kitchen, bathroom,living room.

Capt'n Midnight

natashaob6 wrote: »

What do you give a man who has everything?

A box to put it in.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

A box to put it in.

Give him a box and take everything back off him.

Buford T. Justice XIX

A Japanese man walks into a bank and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?" "Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed." "Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fcuk you Americans, too!"

Buford T. Justice XIX

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And ‘poof’ she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asks
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

valoren

I got arrested in Tesco last night for stealing yoghurts.
In fairness, I was taking a few Liberté's.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

What's The difference between a bachelor and a married man? A batchelor will come home and look in the fridge and then go to bed but a married man will come home and look in the bed and then look in the fridge.

TheBody

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy.

However, that's not the case.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Yesterday I saw a man spill all his Scrabble letters on to the ground. I went up and asked him what is the word on the ground?

Why do we always say to actors break a leg. Because there's always a cast in the play.

blueser

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right fcuking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

milltown

I got sacked from my job in the sperm bank.
They didn't appreciate me saying "get a load of this guy!" every time somebody walked in.

Try_harder

Deleted User wrote: »

I must try harder so:pac:

I got my username from this thread!

TheBody

I bought my mum a Wombles pepper mill for Christmas. It's rubbish, everyone complains it's either underground or overground

New Home

TheBody wrote: »

I bought my mum a Wombles pepper mill for Christmas. It's rubbish, everyone complains it's either underground or overground

I bet she was so disappointed she grounded you!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man walks in to a bar and says to the barman ten shots of whiskey please? The barman asks why ten shots of whiskey? The man replies I'm celebrating. What Are you celebrating asks the bar man. My first blowjob. Congradulations says the barman. The man again replies if that doesn't kill the taste nothing will.

The leper says to the prostitute after getting a blowjob you can keep the tip.

evil_seed

What do you call a mummy dipped in chocolate?
A Pharaoh Roché

byrner88

A couple just had sex. The woman says, "If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby ?" The man takes off his condom ties a knot in it. and flushes it down the toilet. "Well" he says "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

This morning my grandad walked in to my room with a young man with a young bearded man wearing a skinny jeans. I asked him who's the guy and he said it's my hip replacement.

I said to the doctor I feel constedatid he said to me I think you mean constipated. I then I said no doctor I just had a vowel movement.

Capt'n Midnight

natashaob6 wrote: »

This morning my grandad walked in to my room with a young man with a young bearded man wearing a skinny jeans. I asked him who's the guy and he said it's my hip replacement.

who is the coolest guy in the hospital ?

The ultrasound guy !

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mime broke his arm in a bar fight he still has the right to be silent.