The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

patmac

mfceiling wrote: »

My wife said she's leaving me because I have such a huge ego. I told her to close the door on the way back in again.

My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with fantasy football, in my defence I have, Shaw, Coleman, Van Anault, Wan-Bassa and Robertson.

byrner88

I just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator.

Seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a ****ing fortune on batteries

byrner88

I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".

At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

New Home

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

Too.

Eph1958

New Home wrote: »

You do the math(s). :cool:

And what's the square-root of 69?

Ate'n a bit

Liam28

Damien360 wrote: »

I'm lost as to the joke of square root of 66 and 69 ? Is it in some comedy series in-joke ****e ?

Get your kicks on Route 66?
Does not really work for 69 as I'm not aware of any song about root 69.

byrner88

It was my wife's funeral today. Everybody came back to my house after the burial, for a few drinks and food.
I was all over the place. One second I was up, the next, I was down again.

All my mother in law could say was, "I can't believe you ordered a bouncy castle for the wake!"

jimgoose

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee!

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

rizzodun

Best jokes of the Edinburgh fringe.


1. “Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day” – Adam Rowe

2. “I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring” – Leo Kearse

3. “I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed” – Olaf Falafel

4. “In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me” – Daniel Audritt

5. “What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?” – Flo and Joan

6. “I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts” – Darren Walsh

7. “Trump said he’d build a wall but he hasn’t even picked up a brick. He’s just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project” – Justin Moorhouse

8. “I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it” – Adele Cliff

9. “Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?” – Alex Edelman

10. “I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it’s like this all the time” – Laura Lexx

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I broke my finger today but on the other hand i'm fine.

Have you ever tried blind fold archery? You don't know what your missing.

chewed

Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job. Knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

chewed

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed

jaykay74

Got offered sex today with a 21yr old lady. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. I declined cause I've high moral standards & strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner,Now available scented with lemon.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I started a company selling prayer mats that look like land mines. Prophets are going through the roof.


What has two butts and kills people? An assasian.


I admit I said my chiropractor wasn't any good. I stand corrected.

Capt'n Midnight

The British woman who fell off the cruise ship has been named as Eileen Dover.

Capt'n Midnight

After finding 5 Mars bars, 3 Snickers, a Flake and a packet of M&M's, I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter....

Capt'n Midnight

The odds of finding a singer called Fish... Is one in a Marillion.

Capt'n Midnight

Nephew got his exams results. When he told me how many D's he got, I thought he was singing the tune to Match of the Day....

What did the pirate say on his birthday?

"I'm Eighty!"

patmac

If you know anyone who wants leaflets on haemorrhoids,
let me know I've got piles.

Purple Mountain

11pm text from Paddy to the wife:

"Mary, in the pub. Home in 20 minutes but if not, read this text again."

Capt'n Midnight

Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they can spend years at C.



Q: What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?
A: I, I,
R
and the seven C’s

Capt'n Midnight

Pirates don't cry in public. If they do, it's a private tear!

How much does it cost a pirate to get ear piercings ?
A buck an ear.

lmao

What's a pirates LEAST favorite letter?


































































Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement....

TheChevron

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

The odds of finding a singer called Fish... Is one in a Marillion.

coolhull

A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …..... No, wait.Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A grasshopper walks in to a pub and the bar man says hey we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper looks surprised and says what Steve.


What do electric eels taste like? Shocking.


Why don't crabs share? Because ther'e shellfish.

Capt'n Midnight

Why is the sand wet. ?

Because the seaweed.

New Home

(Does anyone else think that Capt'n Midnight must be nine years old?)

Capt'n Midnight

A chip shop in Southill, Limerick, is selling "Ireland's unhealthiest takeaway".

It's actually a nutritious salad, but the takeaway is in Southill so you get stabbed on your way home.