The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

New Home wrote: »

(Does anyone else think that Capt'n Midnight must be nine years old?)

Oh come on , it was a first class joke.

New Home

I never said I don't like those jokes, I love them!!

...but I do know a child around your age (:pac:) that knows a lot of them!

(EDIT: D'oh!! I just got it... anyway, more like 3rd class.)

Comer1

byrner88 wrote: »

It was my wife's funeral today. Everybody came back to my house after the burial, for a few drinks and food.
I was all over the place. One second I was up, the next, I was down again.

All my mother in law could say was, "I can't believe you ordered a bouncy castle for the wake!"

A neighbour of ours actually did have a bouncy castle back at the house for her father's month mind. No joke:eek:

Capt'n Midnight

Why doesn't Adam Ant eat bubblegum?

Because , "Don't chew ever ,don't chew ever..."

dxhound2005

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin".

castletownman

I only believe 12.5% of the bible.

I am a 1/8-iest

GBX

My mate and I were bored at work, so we started doing impressions.

It was my turn, so I said, "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?"

My mate said, "Easy... Robert De Niro."

I said, "Nope. Stevie Wonder."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

One of our Russian acrobats he been deported. We don't have Oleg to stand on.

Did you know the first French fries weren't fried in France but were fried in Greece.

Capt'n Midnight

We're so skint in our house, my wife sold one of her kidneys to pay for the kids new school uniform ......


If things get any worse, I'll have to cancel Sky Sports ......

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

I like the Harry Potter books and movies but I felt the character headless Nick was badly executed.

My grandad called his two dogs Rolex and Quartz. They were his watch dogs.

Star Bingo

Today, thousands of people tuned in as the pope’s sermon from the Phoenix Park was beamed into their homes. It was one the 2nd biggest mass shooting ever to take place on Irish soil

TheBody

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Capt'n Midnight

I was trying to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the floor.

Turns out she'd seen a bin open that way before.

Capt'n Midnight

I never really believed in the theory of 'Ancient Astronauts'.

But apparently about 50 years ago , twelve of them are said to have visited the Moon.

Capt'n Midnight

My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. what a stupid thing to fallout for.



Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Capt'n Midnight

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.


I tried to marry a watermelon in secret, but I canteloupe.

jimgoose

"Sit up straight, young Murphy!" snapped the school inspector, "Now then - I want you to recite the Angelus for me!"

"Yes sir!", replies young Murphy, clearing his throat for this command performance, "BONG!... BONG!... BONG!... "

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Every year hundreds of children are sent of to mime school never to be heard of again.


What do you call a tick that lives on the moon? A lunatic.


A ghost walks in to a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says sorry we don't serve spirits in this pub.

Gloomtastic!

My mate, the gravedigger, is off work this week so i’m filling in for him.

(Thanks Marty)

M.T. Cranium

A tree somehow learned to drive a car, but it didn't last very long.

A policeman pulled it over for being trunk behind the wheel.

====================

At the medieval fun fair, a knight was selling raffle tickets at a booth, when the first roll numbered one to ten caught fire.

It was just another one knight stand with a hot little number.

====================

Few people know this, but the Soviets pretended they had landed on the moon in 1970.

It was going to be on TV but the cosmonaut said upon touching the fake lunar surface, "one small steppe for Ivan."

====================

A tree entered the Boston marathon, but it was disqualified. Apparently, it took the wrong root.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Robin to Batman the Bat Mobile won't work.

Batman to Robin check the battery.

Robin to Batman what's a tery?


A man made a statement to the Garda saying his bag was stolen.

When the Guards called to his house they found the bag at the end of the stairs.


It was a brief case


What do you call a Russian that likes programming.

Computin.

I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.

It always makes me chuckle.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my Guide Dog .The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my Guide Dog. The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a Guide Dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and says “They gave me a chihuahua?”

byrner88

Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"There's no elephants around here Paddy!"

"I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"

byrner88

I went to my girlfriend's funeral today.

It was the first time I'd met her parents.

What a pair of miserable bastards.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

Capt'n Midnight

Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.

Captain: Are.

M.T. Cranium

Fwfsz mfuufs jo uijt kplf jt b mfuufs upp ijhi.

Boe ju jto'u gvooz.

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Fwfsz mfuufs jo uijt kplf jt b mfuufs upp ijhi.

Boe ju jto'u gvooz.

one too high!
Gxgta ngvvgt kp vjku lqmg ku vyq ngvvgtu vqq jkij.

Cpf kv kup'v hwppa.

blinding

Comer1 wrote: »

A neighbour of ours actually did have a bouncy castle back at the house for her father's month mind. No joke:eek:

Some people Just Bounce Back !;)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Why is a bee's hair always sticky?

A. Because it uses a honey comb!