The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

My wife's just told me she wants a divorce!
I'm in shock!
I said, "whenever you were ill, I was always there for you",
"when you crashed the car, I was there for you",
"when your dog died, I was there for you",
"And when your mother died, I was there for you, so why do you want a divorce?"
She said, "'cause you're a fcukin' jinx!"

Some signs on the wall at a coffee shop in my town ...

"I was going to be a stay-at-home parent, until I found out the kids would still be there."

"Don't criticize your wife's choices, after all, you are one of them."

"If aliens saw us walking our dogs and scooping up after them, who would they assume was in charge here?"

"Chicken's perspective -- why can't I just cross the road without all these probing questions?"

"Paddy, I've noticed you pushing your bike to work the last two days?"

"I know, the chain's snapped but I've got my sandwiches and flask in the basket!"

"Why don't you just carry them?"

"Don't be stupid, how could I push me bike then?"

Without doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

An Arab sheikh was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, his doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him:"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

In the 1970's, Sister Sledge used to drive around in British cars.

Their favourites were the Austin Music and Cortina Trap...

everlast75 wrote: »

In the 1970's, Sister Sledge used to drive around in British cars.

Their favourites were the Austin Music and Cortina Trap...

Showing our age, there!

Ghetofarmulous wrote: »

Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man and Paddy Scottish man are stuck on a desert Island when a lamp washes up on the beach. They rub it and a Genie pops out.

The Genie says I will grant you each one wish

Paddy Irish man says I wish I was back home in Ireland drinking pints of Guinness with the lads. WOOSH hes gone!

Paddy Scottish man says A wish A wis back home in Aberdeen with a wee Nip and a pile o Neeps n Tatties. WOOSH hes gone!

Paddy England man looks around and says Im a bit lonely now I wish my friends where here.

Why is it three Paddies in these jokes? Surely it should be something like Jock the Scotsman and Alfred the Englishman. Just sayin'...

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: "I don’t have a licence to drive a bus."

Two peanuts walk into a bar.... one was a salted