The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Cortina_MK_IV · 29-11-2016 11:49PM

A man goes to a doctor and says he has quite literally a pain in his hole. The doctor tells him to drop his trousers and bend over. The doctor says to the man, "Do you realise you have a lettuce leaf sticking out of your anus?" The man replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

Cake Man · 30-11-2016 12:16AM

What's the difference between a hoover and a Harley Davidson?

The location of the dirtbag.

Cortina_MK_IV · 30-11-2016 03:13AM

A man is standing shaving and his wife gets out of the shower and says, "Look at me, I'm getting old, ugly and fat and you never compliment me." He replied, "Well your eyesight is f**king excellent."

larchielads · 30-11-2016 04:39PM

diomed wrote: »

Heard in hospital outpatients this morning

Driver stops and asks a pedestrian
"Is there a B&Q in Drogheda"
"I'm not sure, but there are two D's in Dundalk"

There's 2 D's in DrogheDa as well

frag420 · 30-11-2016 07:54PM

iLikeWaffles wrote: »

That's totally getting stolen!!

Obviously from Dundalk...

.red. · 30-11-2016 08:05PM

A brunette goes to the doctor complaining with bad pains all over her body. The doctor examines her and finds nothing wrong so asks her to show where the pains are.
She touches her shoulder and screams in pain, then touches her cheek and again screams in pain. Then she touches her knee and as she's about to scream again the doctor stops her.
You naturally a blonde aren't you he asks. Why yes she replies, how did you know.....
You've got a broken finger!!!

Capt'n Midnight · 30-11-2016 10:52PM

Had to use my discount card to scrape the frost off my car windscreen. I only got 20% off.

fryup · 30-11-2016 11:53PM

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

A man is standing shaving and his wife gets out of the shower and says, "Look at me, I'm getting old, ugly and fat and you never compliment me." He replied, "Well your eyesight is f**king excellent."

the most repeated joke in history??

Cortina_MK_IV · 30-11-2016 11:56PM

fryup wrote: »

the most repeated joke in history??

Probably because you get people that don't know any jokes quoting it and repeating it. Look forward to your contributions.

01-12-2016 12:37AM

Your average used car salesman wouldn't know what a camshaft was if he fell down one!

Wes Palmer Lee · 01-12-2016 01:02AM

I was so skint today that I decided to spend my last Euro on a scratchcard..

then I realised I had nothing left to scratch it with.

Junkyard Tom · 01-12-2016 01:04AM

Was in Tesco earlier and hesitated when faced with purchasing a 'Bag For Life'.

That's way too much commitment for me.

fryup · 01-12-2016 12:01PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

especially if you're already married to one

Hagar7 · 01-12-2016 05:24PM

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I read it all :mad:

Me too,that's 2 hours,15 minutes,and 28 seconds I'll never get back.:mad:

The flying mouse · 01-12-2016 05:39PM

Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to,

"Your Christmas present is in there!";)

"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.:D

"You get me the crappiest presents!" I said, looking in.

"Why the fck would I want a half naked milkman ?":eek::eek:

The flying mouse · 01-12-2016 05:40PM

So the Movember Moustache was finally shaven off last night.

thank goodness I'm so happy,

my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

Felix Jones is God · 01-12-2016 05:45PM

Little girl: mommy... do babies come out where daddy puts his penis?

Mommy: *blushing*....um, well... yes, dear. why do you ask?

Little girl: won't that break your jaw?

Capt'n Midnight · 01-12-2016 09:28PM

I was heading out to the pub last night and turned to my wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

Capt'n Midnight · 01-12-2016 09:40PM

What is it about being blind ,that makes you want to take a dog for a walk all the time?

Wes Palmer Lee · 01-12-2016 11:35PM

I did an interview for promotion at work recently.

When asked to name my greatest flaw I replied "I'm too honest"

The interviewer exclaimed "surely that's not a flaw"

to which I replied "how the fcuk would you know ya dopey looking prick".

chewed · 02-12-2016 10:04AM

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fúck off.

Stigura · 02-12-2016 11:26AM

At Sunday church the local Priest explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Then, Fred Riley, who owns several car dealerships in Dublin, stands up and proclaims: " If the Holy Father stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children! "

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Biern, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, " If our Father will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children! "

More sighs and loud applause.

Mary O' Brian, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, " If the Priest stays, I will give him free sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. O' Brian, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Mary's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his face in the palm of his hand and shaking his head, while his wife replies:

" Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him'."

eamonnq · 02-12-2016 01:28PM

Stigura wrote: »

At Sunday church the local Priest explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Then, Fred Riley, who owns several car dealerships in Dublin, stands up and proclaims: " If the Holy Father stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children! "

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Biern, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands up and says, " If our Father will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children! "

More sighs and loud applause.

Mary O' Brian, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, " If the Priest stays, I will give him free sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. O' Brian, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Mary's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his face in the palm of his hand and shaking his head, while his wife replies:

" Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f**k him'."

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

Cortina_MK_IV · 02-12-2016 01:33PM

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

It's called Catholicism.

Michael D Not Higgins · 02-12-2016 01:43PM

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

"Alright Len, how's the son?"

Mr. CooL ICE · 02-12-2016 02:26PM

I suspect...

eisenberg1 · 02-12-2016 02:50PM

Cortina_MK_IV wrote: »

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

It's called Catholicism.

Nah, can't be catholic. It doesn't sound like the priest tried to cover it up.

Stigura · 02-12-2016 02:57PM

eamonnq wrote: »

A priest with children ??!! What sorcery is this??

Damn. That's a bloody good point, actually. It was originally " Vicar ". I thought I'd just change it to priest because they're the more common butt.

I'm actually completely void of religion. So it never even crossed my mind that a priest wouldn't have a wife and kids.

Sorry about that. I can't be arsed to edit it now though :P

Cortina_MK_IV · 02-12-2016 03:31PM

Stigura wrote: »

Damn. That's a bloody good point, actually. It was originally " Vicar ". I thought I'd just change it to priest because they're the more common butt.

I'm actually completely void of religion. So it never even crossed my mind that a priest wouldn't have a wife and kids.

Sorry about that. I can't be arsed to edit it now though :P

Maybe not a wife but kids probably. I'd say there were many mixed race kids in Africa or The Philippines fathered by a priest that took his missionary position a bit too literally.

The flying mouse · 04-12-2016 05:38AM

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died...I'm married to his feckin widow!".

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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