The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

[Restaurant]

'Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?'

Yes please.

'THIS TOWN (AHH AHHHH) IS COMIN' LIKE A GHOST TOWN'

frag420 wrote: »

witch --- rich.

I'm not a grammar Nazi, I'm alt-write...

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

Although I laugh slightly louder.

Bob Monkhouse: "They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now!"

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

Went into Waterstones and asked the lady for a book about Turtles.
"Hardback?" she said
I was like "yeah with little heads"

Scientists have discovered Dolphins make similar noises to other marine mammals.

So their calls may be recorded for training porpoises.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to swear."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with Sh*t and you say something with twat."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,
he replies, "Aw, sh*t, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,
with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your hairy twat it won't be Cheerios!"

GBX wrote: »

I got into the attic today to get the Christmas decorations and found a present from last year I forgot to give my nephew ...


He would have really loved that puppy.

I got a puppy for my son for Christmas this year but the fecker went and died on me.






Now what do I do with a puppy?

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house.

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!te"

A friend of mine sent me a picture today of a bunch of nerdy tech guys wearings pink t-shirts with "The Future is Female" written on them.

The caption underneath was "Cu Cuck Clan."

LMAO!!:D:D