Things you have done, that made you wish the ground could immediately swallow you up.

BUBBLES1978 · 09-11-2016 04:34PM

have said love you alot when i should be saying goodbye on the phone to clients....shudder:D:D:D:D

Rubberlegs · 09-11-2016 07:37PM

Years ago I met a fella I knew at a bike show and we were chatting away. Sadly he had been involved in a crash on his bike sometime before and his pillion passenger had been killed. He asked me had I never taken up riding a bike myself and without thinking I said " Jesus no, I'd probably kill someone ". I never wanted the ground to swallow me as much as that time

leahyl · 09-11-2016 07:50PM

Not me, but my mother was talking to a neighbour some years back whose brother had been killed in a workplace accident (he was decapitated, awful) and the lady was saying how good a person he was etc. And my mum said (obviously without even thinking, she's not evil) "I know, a good head on his shoulders" - cue my mum realising what she said and freezing on the spot, she was talking to her on the street and it was dark but she said that the lady looked a little shocked alright.....my mum came home and let out the biggest roar, she was so enbarrassed! We couldn't stop talking about it for weeks afterwards.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 09-11-2016 08:04PM

Hammer89 wrote: »

I'm in the smoking area of a nightclub and I get chatting to this stunner. I'd be doing her an injustice if I rated her out of 10. So, we're getting along really well and she's laughing at every joke I make, which is always a good sign. We're getting along so well that we're chain smoking, because we need an excuse to stay chatting, right. I'm not sure how it happened, but we both confide in each other that we have daddy issues. 'It's not the common ground I was searching for, but I'll take it,' I thought. But sooner or later her wanker mates come and rob her from me, taking her back inside. She didn't seem to resist, which puzzled me because I thought she was happy enough in my company. I light another smoke and think about her. 'Did I read the signs wrong?' I thought. 'No. I couldn't have. She wants me - she's waiting for me to make the move'. I genuinely liked the girl, inside and out, because obviously I know her really well.

So, I go back inside and beginning scanning the entire club, like Arnie in the first Terminator. No luck. I check the dancefloor, every inch of the bar and the entire upstairs section. Had I a few more drinks in me I might've ventured into the woman's toilets and started knocking on cubicle doors. It's also quite late in the night. 'F*ck,' I say to myself. 'Maybe she's gone, and maybe that's why her friends came and got her.' I'm a beaten man, but I'm already over her so I go back out to the smoking area and hope to find another lovely. It's what she would've wanted.

I see my mate, Wayne, in the smoking area, slurring words into the receiver of his iPhone. I scan the smoking area for lovelies and it's Target Located, lads. It's her, the Anne Frank of this nightclub, and she's on her own again. I approach her. 'I've been looking everywhere for you,' I tell her. She's a bit unimpressed. 'Why is that?' she asks. Here we go. Daddy issues or not, I'm about to express my true feelings incase I never get the chance. 'Because I fancy the hole off you, I respond. In my mind - a very drunken mind - that sounds romantic and endearing. But she's a bit awkward now, and not in a flattered, 'you're sweet' kind of way, but a disgusted, 'go away you big rapist' kind of way.

But she's sweet and instead of telling me she's not interested, she grabs my mate and introduces him to me as her boyfriend. I want to bust her and say, 'No actually that's Wayne and he doesn't have a girlfriend' but I don't. The message was loud and clear and I sheepishly went back inside, tail between my legs when just moments earlier I was certain it'd be between her legs.

Bitch.

I don't know why I found this so funny but today I went to have my eyelashes done, and I had to lay there with my eyes shut for 2 hours. I'm quite fidgety and for some reason this post came into my head, and I was laughing but trying to stop myself, scolding myself for laughing like a loon at nothing in the middle of a treatment, in the dead silence. Then I remembered you're the poster who posted about his experience with the "lady" in Toronto which made me actually burst out laughing even more, my eyes started to sting and I had to get off the bed at that stage. Wcause I just had the giggles. I'm sure the girl wanted to knock me out, but I suppose hysterically laughing at absolutely nothing is sort of embarrassing.

HS3 · 09-11-2016 08:38PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know why I found this so funny but today I went to have my eyelashes done, and I had to lay there with my eyes shut for 2 hours. I'm quite fidgety and for some reason this post came into my head, and I was laughing but trying to stop myself, scolding myself for laughing like a loon at nothing in the middle of a treatment, in the dead silence. Then I remembered you're the poster who posted about his experience with the "lady" in Toronto which made me actually burst out laughing even more, my eyes started to sting and I had to get off the bed at that stage. Wcause I just had the giggles. I'm sure the girl wanted to knock me out, but I suppose hysterically laughing at absolutely nothing is sort of embarrassing.

Stalker alert :eek:

:pac:

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 09-11-2016 08:42PM

leahyl wrote: »

Not me, but my mother was talking to a neighbour some years back whose brother had been killed in a workplace accident (he was decapitated, awful) and the lady was saying how good a person he was etc. And my mum said (obviously without even thinking, she's not evil) "I know, a good head on his shoulders" - cue my mum realising what she said and freezing on the spot, she was talking to her on the street and it was dark but she said that the lady looked a little shocked alright.....my mum came home and let out the biggest roar, she was so enbarrassed! We couldn't stop talking about it for weeks afterwards.

When I was a small child we were going on a family holiday, staying with friends of my grandmothers. The wife in the couple had had both her legs amputated at the knee and was in a wheelchair. Whole way down my mam was drilling us "Look, she had an operation and she hasn't her legs any more. Don't be asking questions, don't be staring, don't for fcuks sake be pointing, just don't talk about legs" (my sister in particular was terrible for that, one time our tall, bald landlord called in and was on the couch and my mam lifted my sister not realising it'd be the first time she saw the top of his head, had to leg it down the hall with sister yelling "HE HAS NO HAIR! THAT MAN HAS NO HAIR ON HIS HEAD!" and trying to get out of her arms to have another look).

Anyways, that was grand, message received, kept to taking sneaky glances, remembered our Ps and Qs. The woman had a blanket over her legs anyway so she just looked like a normal wheelchair user. Parents go out for a walk on the beach, arrive back, the woman asks my mam how it was

"Oh it was lovely but I'm wrecked, sure he has the legs nearly walked off me!"

Wouldn't have been so bad except my sister saw this as all very unjust and started giving out to her "We're not supposed to talk about the legs! You said not to because May doesn't have any legs!"

So basically a pretty bad parenting backfire, my poor mam still cringes telling the story

Ken. · 09-11-2016 08:44PM

Lexie, Hammer has been in contact and says to pass this along to you.

HS3 · 09-11-2016 09:01PM

ken wrote: »

Lexie, Hammer has been in contact and says to pass this along to you.

:pac:

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 09-11-2016 09:05PM

ken wrote: »

Lexie, Hammer has been in contact and says to pass this along to you.

major bill · 09-11-2016 09:44PM

In a nightclub chatting away to a girl for ages, all going well I am thinking ''play it cool trigg, I am in here'' she fancied a few shots, I says yea il have one what ya having? buy the shots, first one down the hatch, 2nd one goes down but goes down the wrong way, I'm trying me hardest to keep it in but its a battle that I eventually lose and with a couple of seconds before I could move I end up spitting it out all over her face!!

Went home alone!!

the14thwarrior · 09-11-2016 10:22PM

My brother bought a new scooter, little red thing, his pride and joy. he gave us all a go on it, around the back garden. This was years ago, when you saved for weeks and weeks etc. i got on, accelerated too fast, couldn't stop and went straight into the back wall. silence all way around.

he was speechless. so was I. i kept apologising. bros and sisters giving out ****. i wanted to die.

i ended up breaking a wrist but didn't tell him for days afterwards. he was sound about it, but i could tell at the time he was nearly crying. god, i re-live that moment and cringe.

09-11-2016 10:56PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know why I found this so funny but today I went to have my eyelashes done, and I had to lay there with my eyes shut for 2 hours. I'm quite fidgety and for some reason this post came into my head, and I was laughing but trying to stop myself, scolding myself for laughing like a loon at nothing in the middle of a treatment, in the dead silence. Then I remembered you're the poster who posted about his experience with the "lady" in Toronto which made me actually burst out laughing even more, my eyes started to sting and I had to get off the bed at that stage. Wcause I just had the giggles. I'm sure the girl wanted to knock me out, but I suppose hysterically laughing at absolutely nothing is sort of embarrassing.

What were ya getting done that took two hours???!!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 09-11-2016 11:22PM

bubblypop wrote: »

What were ya getting done that took two hours???!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtvLnszwjDM&sns=em

09-11-2016 11:28PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtvLnszwjDM&sns=em

Fab!
PM me where & how much will ya??

Hammer89 · 09-11-2016 11:42PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I don't know why I found this so funny but today I went to have my eyelashes done, and I had to lay there with my eyes shut for 2 hours. I'm quite fidgety and for some reason this post came into my head, and I was laughing but trying to stop myself, scolding myself for laughing like a loon at nothing in the middle of a treatment, in the dead silence. Then I remembered you're the poster who posted about his experience with the "lady" in Toronto which made me actually burst out laughing even more, my eyes started to sting and I had to get off the bed at that stage. Wcause I just had the giggles. I'm sure the girl wanted to knock me out, but I suppose hysterically laughing at absolutely nothing is sort of embarrassing.

I'm glad you find my love life so funny

QuantumP · 10-11-2016 12:02AM

On my way home after a long and tiring day at work, swimming through the crowds of people in Victoria Station. When I finally get to the top of the queue for the tube I'm trying to touch in but my oyster card isn't working. I can feel the swell of pressure and impatience from behind me but I had just topped up the card that morning. So I try again...and again... and again... nothing. I glanced over my shoulder and half waved my card/lanyard saying "Don't know what's wrong with it, I topped up this morning". Someone shouts up "I THINK THAT'S YOUR OFFICE CARD MATE". Ah yes. So it is. I look back and half smile in embarrassment only to be greeted by the death stare of about 20 angry Londoners. It probably only took 5 seconds to find my actual oyster but it was the longest 5 seconds of my life.

:silly:

LynnGrace · 10-11-2016 12:33AM

Straylight wrote: »

Shortly before I got married one of my parents' closest friends died. The funeral was the week before the wedding and after the mass I was speaking to the widow. She mentioned how her husband was being buried in the suit he'd bought for my wedding. Now to this day I have no idea what I was actually trying to say in response to that, but what I actually said was "Well at least he got some use out of it".

Excruciating but brilliant

!

forgodssake · 10-11-2016 12:34AM

I work in a shop nd often mishear customers requests shall we say !! anyway once this little old man came in and says(I thought ) to me "do ye sell Durex at all ? " Out from behind the counter I pops and brings him over to the "health Nd beauty" section and pointed in the general direction of the condoms.
Served a few more customers and then on arrives the little old man in fits laughing . I'm feeling awkward at this point and am like "are you ok sir "
I am he says but twas FUREX I was after for descaling the kettle . Do he have it ????

THE SHAME

madmaggie · 10-11-2016 01:12AM

Some years back, I was transferred to a new area in work. I started slagging my previous co-worker, a right oul wagon. I was talking to her sister, much younger, different surname.

Zaph · 10-11-2016 01:31AM

madmaggie wrote: »

Some years back, I was transferred to a new area in work. I started slagging my previous co-worker, a right oul wagon. I was talking to her sister, much younger, different surname.

Similar happened me when I started slagging off a manager in a place I worked to what I quickly discovered was his son. Alcohol and 18 year old me weren't a great combination.

retro:electro · 10-11-2016 02:08AM

Is this thread old? I remember reading most of these before..

Edups · 10-11-2016 02:16AM

anna080 wrote: »

Is this thread old? I remember reading most of these before..

It's 2 days old.

_Whimsical_ · 10-11-2016 02:25AM

Predictive text disaster so at least I wasn't there to witness it firsthand.
Slightly reluctant to give specifics as I know a few people have heard of it and would surely recognize me.

I made an acquaintance through a common interest/work-ish thing,I didn't know her well at all. We were following an important email thread online over a day or two checking in and out. She added a long and detailed post that nailed the issue and when I saw it I fired off a hurried congrats via text, "saw your post online, it was AMAZING!"

Didn't hear anything back and after a few hours I checked my phone. Turned out what I'd actually said was "saw your pussy online, it was AMAZING".

I sent off an explanation and profuse apology and she replied the next day making no reference to the text or my apology!

Still cringe so hard when I think of it. If she'd at least laughed it off, even said "ok", I wouldn't be left feeling like she assumes I'm some weirdo perv .

05eaftqbrs9jlh · 10-11-2016 02:48AM

BorneTobyWilde wrote:

Few days later while walking by I saw him in driveway I commented loudly to him '' Retard '' in a way to acknowledge his new driveway

Signed off an application for a job in a special school with "Kindest Retards".

Needless to say, I didn't get interviewed.

M94 · 10-11-2016 02:51AM

Good evening.

Good, how are you?

me_right_one · 10-11-2016 02:53AM

M94 wrote: »

Good evening.

Good, how are you?

If thats what makes you want to be swallowed up, I'd love to be living your life! Some of the things on here arent even mention-worthy.

05eaftqbrs9jlh · 10-11-2016 03:02AM

My boyfriend handed his cousin his phone back in the late 2000-teens to look something up, and he stumbled upon the last few photos, which were my boobs, so he quickly MMS'd them to himself or whatever you did back then to send pictures.

But ten minutes later I borrowed his phone for something and I saw the MMS with my boobs in it. I deleted it... So at least I'm not being slut-shamed now, but I narrowly avoided it. You can never delete a glance though, and I always feel that cousin is staring.

v.e.r.b.a.l · 10-11-2016 10:56AM

Last Hallowe'en, myself and my girlfriend decided to watch a classic horror film, The Shining. We watch it on my laptop connected up to the TV.

It was pretty late though, and we'd had too much wine, so we both conked halfway through the film. Woke up on the couch, bleary, closed the laptop shut and went to bed.

Was in work the next day and had to take some photos and edit them on the same laptop.
"How did they come out?" my boss asked.
"Hang, on. I'll just pop them up on the laptop here" I replied.

I opened the laptop screen which had on the screen, a freeze-frame of the moment in The Shining where we had stopped watching the night before, which happened to be a close-up of a really old, wrinkly lady fully naked in a bathtub.

Thanks be to Jehovah, he wasn't looking over my shoulder. I just shut the screen immediately and stuttered something about it not working. I was either bright red or white as a sheet. I got away with it, but I don't know HOW I could have explained that one!!!

snowbabe · 10-11-2016 03:00PM

Just remembered another one ,as a newly flustered mother,trying to juggle a baby and breast feeding and cleaning the house and dinner and work etc was always on the look out for easy dinners .The local butchers had started doing those chicken breasts stuffed with stuffing or other nice things ,just pop them in the oven with a few spuds and dinner done ,those kinda ones.Anyway ,one day popped into butchers with baby stradled on my hip looking down at the chicken ,I say " can I have two of those lovely chicken breasts please" ,just at that second I felt a chill ,as my firstborn had just pulled down the zip on my track suit to expose two giant lactating breasts trying to escape out of my hugely unflattering maternity bra !! I nearly died on the spot ,butcher just laughed and said "same" , after that I took the time to put a t-shirt on under too! Needless to say even to this day I get a big wave off the butcher even though I always sense a slight smirk

must remind my now teenager of this ,mind you they put everything on display anyway !

retro:electro · 10-11-2016 03:16PM

At my boyfriend's niece's communion. I was eating lasagne and was helping myself to some other salady bits when his mother asked "what do you think of the lasagne Anna", que me saying "only okay like, a bit on the dry side. What caterers did ye get. Not great are they? Salad is a bit shyte too". Que a shocked look on her face and my alarm bells immediately ringing. There were no caterers, she had made it all herself.
"Only joking" I said, "haha, got ya.....".. while walking slowly away backwards

Things you have done, that made you wish the ground could immediately swallow you up.

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