The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

My Uncle Charlie was jailed for his beliefs.
He believed the night watchman was sleeping.



Walking into a lawyer’s office, a man asked what the rates were.

“Fifty dollars for three questions,” the lawyer stated.

“Isn’t that awfully expensive?” the man asked.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied. “And what’s your third question?”







Lou sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale."

"What's your story?" Lou asks.

The dog says, "I discovered I had this gift when I was just a pup. The CIA signed me up, and soon I was jetting around the world, sitting at the feet of spies and world leaders, gathering important information and sending it back home. When I tired of that lifestyle, I joined the FBI, where I helped catch drug lords and gunrunners. I was wounded in the line of duty, received some medals, and now a movie is being made of my life."

"How much do you want for the dog?" Lou asks the owner.

"Ten dollars," says the owner.

Lou is incredulous. "Why on earth would you sell that remarkable dog for so little?"

"I'm sick of all the lies"



The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall,
He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative. "The pharmacist yells "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!




How do you confuse a librarian?

Ask them if they have any books on shelves.








What is the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

The first is an animal the second is ........















.......a geordie stuck in a lift!

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of iPhones, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "HIPSTERS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the iPhones he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't hipsters."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a checked shirt, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. Hipsters are in season because they are overpopulating. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and iPhones spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the iPhones. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - iPhone geeks. Each of them wearing the oldest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought hipsters were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



A paper bag goes to the doctors because he's all itchy and has an embarassing little rash. The doctor gives him an examination and tells him he's got VD. The paper bag starts sobbing and says "But I've only ever slept with 1 other bag in my life!" The doctor replies "Well, she must have been a carrier!





My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success.
My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.

Q: What do you call Israeli twins?
A: Jewplicates.



I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is




The Government has uncovered a plot that terrorists are putting bombs in tins of alphabet spaghetti. If one goes off it could spell disaster.




A man has been shot with a starting pistol in Belfast.
Police believe it was a race related incident.

Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!





The wife has just got back from the doctors.. She's been fed up and tired for some time. Apparently she has got an "iron deficiency". Well that's her christmas present sorted.....



What do you call a servant in Egypt?

A pyramaid!




"Here's a picture of me with the band REM. That's me in the corner"





Had to break up with my cross eyed girlfriend last night, I think she was seeing other people



never give your seat up for a lady ....... thats how i lost my job as a bus driver



What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Assoication.



My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work. If anything its made him more sluggish.

Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint and a sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"


"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"


"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals in cages ?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.
"But what the hell would they want with a plasterer?"