The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7 · 22-06-2016 05:45PM

I love hiding my wife's inhaler so that the next door neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear my wife shouting "give it to me,please.."

chewed · 23-06-2016 09:24AM

There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken.

It's motherfúcking good.

Curly Judge · 23-06-2016 12:24PM

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.

"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the Voice..

"I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ...."

Capt'n Midnight · 23-06-2016 06:24PM

They laughed at me when I sad I was going to be a comedian.

They're not laughing now,

bonzodog2 · 23-06-2016 07:51PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

They laughed at me when I sad I was going to be a comedian.

They're not laughing now,

They laughed at Nitrous Oxide too

Bigus · 23-06-2016 10:25PM

bonzodog2 wrote: »

They laughed at Nitrous Oxide too

That's gas

Dick phelan · 24-06-2016 12:42AM

I don't no how offensive we can be but Why are people from New York the fastest readers in the world?

They go through hundreds of stories in seconds

Dick phelan · 24-06-2016 12:43AM

A genie once asked me which i'd rather to have a really long memory or penis, i forget which one i picked.

Miss Demeanour · 24-06-2016 10:47PM

A man who usually masturbates several times a day suddenly loses interest and decides to visit his gp.....

"Doc", he begins"I've not been feeling myself lately..........."

coolhull · 24-06-2016 11:20PM

Two couples go on holidays. After a week they are really bored. The men reckon that maybe if they changed partners, it might spice their sex lives up a bit. Their wives agree, so all four of them decide to give it a try........
Next morning at breakfast, one fella says, ''I'm really glad that we tried that experiment. Wow, it was a totally exhilarating night. Hey, come on, lets go up to the other room and see how the girls got on.........''

Capt'n Midnight · 25-06-2016 02:59PM

Bigus wrote: »

That's gas

Just say NO!

N2O

Microdot · 25-06-2016 10:04PM

A small boy ran down the street in search of a policeman. Eventually finding one, he begged: ‘Please
come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!’
The officer accompanied him back to the bar, where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight.
‘OK, son,’ said the cop, ‘which one is your father?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the boy. ‘That’s what they’re fighting about!’

Microdot · 25-06-2016 10:05PM

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," he answered..

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes it does," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"Only if I take two," he replied.

Microdot · 25-06-2016 10:09PM

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

The front office has a clerk who inputs computerized data records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was a shocker.... "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. That was when the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stupidly stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building but I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment. While suspended some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but only momentarily. As I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried but could not escape its path and was killed by that chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the waiting room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He stared at him and said, "I doubt that your last day could in any way rival that of the two fellows arriving here just before you."

"Oh I don't know...." replied the handsome young man... "Just picture this......I'm buck naked hiding in this large, heavy cedar chest......"

Stigura · 25-06-2016 11:56PM

I was in england, yesterday. Home of the Brexit vote. Whilst there, I visited a supermarket.

At the check out there was a young, Polish couple in front of me. As the cashier finished scanning their shopping, she asked them; " Would you like some help with packing your bags? "

I thought; " Fcuk me! They're not hanging about! ".

Curly Judge · 26-06-2016 12:02PM

I was questioning children in my Sunday school class,
to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOK'N' DEAD

suave.4u · 26-06-2016 06:44PM

Microdot wrote: »

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

The front office has a clerk who inputs computerized data records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was a shocker.... "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. That was when the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stupidly stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building but I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment. While suspended some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but only momentarily. As I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried but could not escape its path and was killed by that chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the waiting room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He stared at him and said, "I doubt that your last day could in any way rival that of the two fellows arriving here just before you."

"Oh I don't know...." replied the handsome young man... "Just picture this......I'm buck naked hiding in this large, heavy cedar chest......"

This joke reminded me of an another one:

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender,

"I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just
about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front
door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from
the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And
where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is
broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right
on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Curly Judge · 26-06-2016 07:24PM

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Comer1 · 26-06-2016 08:30PM

A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."

Hagar7 · 26-06-2016 11:29PM

An English guy,Scottish guy,Welsh guy and Norn Irish guy went into a bar for a drink,they had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go home.

ohmslaw · 28-06-2016 02:22PM

Pity about England being eliminated from the Euros last night - it was the first time that they disgraced themselves on the European stage since ... eh, last Thursday!

MonkieSocks · 28-06-2016 02:58PM

What have Leave/Remain* voters got in common with the England football team?

They both can't put a cross into a box properly.

gramar · 28-06-2016 07:11PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

What have Leave/Remain* voters got in common with the England football team?

They both can't put a cross into a box properly.

They voters mightn't have gotten the cross in the right box but the English footballers didn't get any crosses into the box at all.

dilallio · 30-06-2016 03:52PM

Bobby Charlton was asked how the 1966 England team would fare against the current Icelandic team.
"We'd beat them one nil" he replied.
"Only one nil?" asks the reporter.
"Well" says Bobby, "We're all in our 70s now"

Realt Dearg Sec · 30-06-2016 04:41PM

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

MonkieSocks · 02-07-2016 07:53PM

How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

"Pan'tene".

Microdot · 03-07-2016 05:00PM

A married man's prayer:

"Dear God, You gave me childhood, you took it away.
You gave me youth, you took it away.
You gave me a wife. It’s been years now. Just reminding You."

Slattsy · 04-07-2016 07:24PM

I was on the train home from work this evening and this sexy Thai lady sits down directly across me.

I kept thinking to myself:
"Please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner!"

But she did.

Curly Judge · 04-07-2016 08:22PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

glynf · 06-07-2016 09:46AM

Monica Lewinski has an interview coming up and goes to get her clothes dry cleaned. She asks the elderly clerk if he can have the clothes ready by tomorrow.
Being hard of hearing, he raises his hand to his ear to ask, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's just mustard."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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