The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

MonkieSocks

glynf wrote: »

Monica Lewinski has an interview coming up and goes to get her clothes dry cleaned. She asks the elderly clerk if he can have the clothes ready by tomorrow.
Being hard of hearing, he raises his hand to his ear to ask, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's just mustard."

Or Cock a Leaky Soup

Birneybau

Very sad news: The chap who invented predictive text has passed away.

His funfair is next monkey.

-Bloke on Twitter

09_09_09

I still remember my grandad's words just before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey..how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"

09_09_09

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman. "Just follow me". He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

​

09_09_09

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.

The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."

Microdot

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said ‘I need you to trace someone for me’

Microdot

What's a scouser and a crab got in common?

Both got shell suits and pinch like ****.

pablo128

How do you know Batman is from Liverpool?

Because he can't go into town without Robbin.

Microdot

My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.....

.... they're at the door now......

....and they're off !!

Microdot

The jumper I got last week kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Microdot

Wife: "Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?"
Husband: "First make it. We will name it later."

Microdot

One by one, all the senior members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the chairman's office until only Ted, the junior
member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the other ten directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Ted,

looked him squarely in the eye,

and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere,” insisted Ted.


Satisfied the chairman said … "Good. Then would you please fire her."

Microdot

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is going on in
Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above
their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

chewed

I've watched the Euros football round at my hairdressers.

The games are OK, but the highlights are better.

gramar

A fella asked me the other day about the tea market in Ireland, he wanted to know if any brand had the Lyon's share.

DundalkDuffman

Carnacalla wrote: »

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

To save you the bother, it translates to 'I think not'.

It's lost on me too!!!!!

As has already been posted,

Ni Ceapaim translates as I dont think so,

Ni Ceapaim is pronounced Knee Cap-(h)im.

Best if you pronounce it in a northern ireland accent.

Another one for a nordie accent,
2 Ducks flying over Belfast, the first one says Quack, the second one says I'm going as quack as I can!

Capt'n Midnight

Words can't express how much I hate World Emoji Day.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Words can't express how much I hate World Emoji Day.

:eek:

fryup

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Words can't express how much I hate World Emoji Day.

explain joke

JCX BXC

fryup wrote: »

explain joke

Emojis are designed to explain things that cannot be expressed by words.

Duiske

fryup wrote: »

explain joke

Ok, here goes...:o:o:pac::D

iLikeWaffles

:D

Bigus

A priest was walking through a graveyard when he heard unconsolable crying and yelping from a man banging he is fist off a gravestone ,

As the priest got closer he could here the cries of

" why did you have to die, why did You have to die , why couldn't it be someone else instead of you "

The priest approached the desperate man and tried to offer some consolation ,

Is your wife ? Inquired the priest of the man .





No says he, no , it was her first husband .

Comer1

I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy crouched down by a gravestone

"Morning," I said

"No" he replied, "just having a sh*t"

gramar

There are 3 ways to get into an argument with a woman:

1. Say yes.
2. Say no.
3. Say nothing.

chewed

I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly?"

"Never". I answered. "I always do it gently."

Your Face

Heard this in New York years ago.

A Jew, a Puerto Rican and a Russian walk into an Italian bar:
The bartender says 'Get the fxxk out'

Microdot

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

Microdot

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Microdot

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”