What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland

fuerte1976 wrote: »

A large cup of prune juice or a basket of grapes. Mind you, you'll have period pains from the grapes and the mother load will be preceeded by even worse toxic outbursts.

Enjoy your event!

Ugh, don’t think I could “stomach” prune juice. None here anyway. Grapes are an option, I’ll get a few in.

Would raisins help? I do have a flourlike bag of bran, pretty old but do you think a couple of table spoons would have an “effect”?

wing52 wrote: »

Lie down on you're left side. Then bring the right knee up to you're chest, good and close.

Give it 45 minutes, you'll blow the trumpet plenty while this is going on.

If all is well with the sewer system, a fine "pat of perfection" should be unleashed!

Hope all goes well with the meeting.

Wait, lie down for 45 minutes?! I could do it for 3, at a push. There’s “smallies” here who won’t stand for me lying down for that long. Not in one go, at least.

Oh, and it’s not a meeting. It’s a social engagement. All day drinking. You know yourself, these types of get togethers are few and far between these days so really don’t want it “sabotaged” by my own bowels.

fuerte1976

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

If this engagement was in somebody's house I'd be holding onto it Emmet. Open the hatches in the "good" bathroom and lay the healthiest length of midden you're ever likely to lay and forget to open any windows or turn on any lights lest there be an extractor fan in situ and ruining your good work.
Vacate the Jax and cause a ruckus with the homeowner saying some sad Kant has wrecked the toilet bowl and the stench would knock a horse. Can go wrong if you open yourself to suspicion but if you play it right it makes for a great game of Spot the Phantom Shìtter.
If the event is in a public venue it's not half the fun but I find subconsciously I shìt better in third party toilets if Im hanging to to a crowdpleaser.

Even better, ask the clients at this engagement for advice and report back here 😂

EmmetSpiceland

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

If this engagement was in somebody's house I'd be holding onto it Emmet. Open the hatches in the "good" bathroom and lay the healthiest length of midden you're ever likely to lay and forget to open any windows or turn on any lights lest there be an extractor fan in situ and ruining your good work.
Vacate the Jax and cause a ruckus with the homeowner saying some sad Kant has wrecked the toilet bowl and the stench would knock a horse. Can go wrong if you open yourself to suspicion but if you play it right it makes for a great game of Spot the Phantom Shìtter.
If the event is in a public venue it's not half the fun but I find subconsciously I shìt better in third party toilets if Im hanging to to a crowdpleaser.

It’s in a home with only one toilet. There are pubs nearby so I could just leave and do my “business” in one of those but, for me, I’d just rather have it over with before I leave the house.

As I’ve stated previously, in understanding with another poster here, I don’t really “enjoy” using public facilities. I do it, when necessary, but I can’t relax and the wipe always seems to take twice as long. I did once get a “magic” in a McDonalds, even started a thread here about it, but I don’t see lightening striking twice anytime soon.

EmmetSpiceland

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Even better, ask the clients at this engagement for advice and report back here 😂

I can just see the crowd forming around the jacks as I go in and then being hoisted on shoulders as I emerge once the “deed” is done.

Roger Hassenforder

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Gasket tight as a moles eye Roger, one way street, could pipe the icing on your next Xmas cake lad, if you like a nice sepia colour, just give me four days notice and I’ll get going on the hot and spicy Bombay Mix and the orange juice and Karpackie 8:6.

I could add a few bags of Trail Mix if you like a nutty flavor.?

Sorry Brennars old sport, I'd you down as a Peig Sayers-Testudines type. Half in/half out at any one tine after years of riding the clutch.

Mibd the auld bombay mix at your age. Chili is a known irritant of the epithelium of the waiting room, its no wonder your experiencing non return valve failures.

Roger Hassenforder

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I can just see the crowd forming around the jacks as I go in and then being hoisted on shoulders as I emerge once the “deed” is done.

Like a Spartan warrior of old

I'd suggest four Weetabix and a pint of orange juice if they are handy around the gaff. Should have you emptied out in no time.

EmmetSpiceland

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Like a Spartan warrior of old

An army marches on its stomach but a warrior shíts before battle. I would, very much, like to avoid “dumping” at the event. Someone would know. And I don’t need that.

There’s also the fear of a flare up of “shy colon”, it’s not something I’d, normally, suffer but it’s a possibility.

As time ticks on I fear that “over-thinking” is getting the better of me. I might have to abscond to the toilet with some headphones and see if a guided meditation might help.

I mean, it’s worth a shot. Right?

Brendan Bendar

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Sorry Brennars old sport, I'd you down as a Peig Sayers-Testudines type. Half in/half out at any one tine after years of riding the clutch.

Mibd the auld bombay mix at your age. Chili is a known irritant of the epithelium of the waiting room, its no wonder your experiencing non return valve failures.

No worries Roger,no, fully fit, able to reach the desired N2 reading with little or no effort.

Appreciate the heads up on the Bombay Mix.......

EmmetSpiceland

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'd suggest four Weetabix and a pint of orange juice if they are handy around the gaff. Should have you emptied out in no time.

Cheers, N. Have the Weetabix alright but no “OJ”.

Will throw the, ghastly, “briquettes” into a bowl now.

Into the second half at this stage. I could possibly eek out half an hour if I need extra time but if the “deadlock” isn’t broken by then there won’t be any penalties or a replay, I’ll be out and there is no way I’ll last a whole day of drinking without bursting the “brown banks”.

EmmetSpiceland

Not sure I should have started on these Weetabix after that tin of pears. Feels like I’m “cementing” a layer on top of gurgly sludge.

Still, if it gets things out I won’t mind. Not one bit.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Dropped some length of rope this morning.

Like the SS Great Eastern laying the first transaltantic telegraph cable.


Had to pinch it off before it came out of the jacks bowl.


Feel so good after it, the arse muscle and hole area is back in fine working order.

EmmetSpiceland

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Dropped some length of rope this morning.

Like the SS Great Eastern laying the first transaltantic telegraph cable.


Had to pinch it off before it came out of the jacks bowl.


Feel so good after it, the arse muscle and hole area is back in fine working order.

Very jealous, D. Sounds like just what I need.

Had some more loud “gurgles” and slight cramping. Hoping things are “chugging” along down to the old “poop chute”.

Roger Hassenforder

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No worries Roger,no, fully fit, able to reach the desired N2 reading with little or no effort.

Appreciate the heads up on the Bombay Mix.......

Learn from others' mistakes.

I'd a nasty follow through after a particularly spicy waga mama ramen noodles. Chanced a fart. Bad move. Thankfully was back in hers in the bathroom. Had to take the liner from the pedal bin, wrap them up and tie them off, discreetly slip them into my jacket. Very frothy and greasy as i recall.

Brendan Bendar

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

Learn from others' mistakes.

I'd a nasty follow through after a particularly spicy waga mama ramen noodles. Chanced a fart. Bad move. Thankfully was back in hers in the bathroom. Had to take the liner from the pedal bin, wrap them up and tie them off, discreetly slip them into my jacket. Very frothy and greasy as i recall.

Damn white of you, in fairness, there’s many the lad would have panicked and lodged them in the depths of the ‘hot press’ only to be found when the maggots start dropping out of her flimsies.

Then deny all knowledge.

Roger Hassenforder

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Damn white of you, in fairness, there’s many the lad would have panicked and lodged them in the depths of the ‘hot press’ only to be found when the maggots start dropping out of her flimsies.

Then deny all knowledge.

I like to think I'm decent enough that way. Dont think I could "enroll' and hide one in a hotpress.
Bad form

EmmetSpiceland

Well, I’m already late. “Slopped” out there, very unpleasant and, yet, so familiar. Been there before, quite recently.

Heavy, hard, initial “load” driving out, slow and wide. Followed by pure bog water with added chunks. Lots of splash. Had to wipe my cheeks as well as the hole.

Been back twice since. Reckon I’ll chance hitting the road soon. Decided it was best to have another shower before going, just a “rinse” really.

Fairly confident I’ll be ****ting there at some point. But I do feel a bit better after passing the “impacted” logjam.

A big thank you to everyone for you’re advice and to everyone else for your thoughts and prayers.

The tinned pears really wasn’t a good idea. Always go fresh, lads. Always fresh.

Brendan Bendar

Roger Hassenforder wrote: »

I like to think I'm decent enough that way. Dont think I could "enroll' and hide one in a hotpress.
Bad form

Decent lad Roger, thanks.

Slideways

One that may not be relatedable here but got caught in a no win situation.

We have 2 way radios at work and i was in the schitter having a rather difficult time. It was like trying to pass pieces of baling twine out my arse and each one was about 3 inches long. I'd get up and no sooner was i polishing the balloon knot than id get the idea i was wasnt done and squeeze out another.

Anyway, I digress, during this time the boss calls me on the radio

'Copy Slideways, where are ya"

Not far away I tell him, be there in 5.

"I'll come to you, where abouts are ya?"

For fuchs sake.. "Eh, I'm in the workshop area, gimme 5 and I'll see you in the office"

"Nah, mate I'll come as far as you, no need to go out of your way"

It was at this moment I was passing a piece of twine that felt like it was encrusted with broken glass, the temper slipped and I announced to him and the entire site listening in that I was having a fcuking shyte and could you leave me in peace for 5 fcuking minutes.

Needless to say, its apparently against protocol to swear on the radio and there was no need to bite his head off.

I should bring the unions in...

Slideways

Slideways wrote: »

One that may not be relatedable here but got caught in a no win situation.

We have 2 way radios at work and i was in the schitter having a rather difficult time. It was like trying to pass pieces of baling twine out my arse and each one was about 3 inches long. I'd get up and no sooner was i polishing the balloon knot than id get the idea i was wasnt done and squeeze out another.

Anyway, I digress, during this time the boss calls me on the radio

'Copy Slideways, where are ya"

Not far away I tell him, be there in 5.

"I'll come to you, where abouts are ya?"

For fuchs sake.. "Eh, I'm in the workshop area, gimme 5 and I'll see you in the office"

"Nah, mate I'll come as far as you, no need to go out of your way"

It was at this moment I was passing a piece of twine that felt like it was encrusted with broken glass, the temper slipped and I announced to him and the entire site listening in that I was having a fcuking shyte and could you leave me in peace for 5 fcuking minutes.

Needless to say, its apparently against protocol to swear on the radio and there was no need to bite his head off.

I should bring the unions in...

Been in the trap at work many times when I heard the security lads radio squawking in one of the adjacent stalls. Always sympathised with them.
Been paged over the tannoy a few times myself when dropping some bombs on the range. Most annoying when absolute focus is needed for the task at hand.

Hector Savage

"a streel of loose scutther."


"plastered a wall with gouts of overripe midden."



Love it!!! , I like the "h" in the scutter ... to get the Irish accent in there!!!

Top posts lads...

I've hit the traps at work twice already this morning. Had a big bag of "fancy crisps" last night and they are not agreeing with me today. Horrendous watery scutter, my guts feel like a toothpaste tube squashed in a vice. It'll be a long time before I have crisps again lads, this is woeful.

I've hit the traps at work twice already this morning. Had a big bag of "fancy crisps" last night and they are not agreeing with me today. Horrendous watery scutter, my guts feel like a toothpaste tube squashed in a vice. It'll be a long time before I have crisps again lads, this is woeful.

JohnnyFlash

I was at one of those music festivals over the weekend. Those portaloos are grim enough, and i has to visit them 6 times over the weekend, which is about 5 times too much. Drank a shocking amount of warm Guinness from the can, loads of kebabs and curries, and even tried a few ‘dabs’ of that mdma stuff. Very ‘grouty’ shïte this morning, which had a very yellow hue to it. I’ll spare you the details of the smell as this is a family website.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I was at one of those music festivals over the weekend. Those portaloos are grim enough, and i has to visit them 6 times over the weekend, which is about 5 times too much. Drank a shocking amount of warm Guinness from the can, loads of kebabs and curries, and even tried a few ‘dabs’ of that mdma stuff. Very ‘grouty’ shïte this morning, which had a very yellow hue to it. I’ll spare you the details of the smell as this is a family website.

Good man JF, so far it's all been impeccably clean family friendly descriptions anyway, we wouldn't want the standards to slip.

Brendan Bendar

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I was at one of those music festivals over the weekend. Those portaloos are grim enough, and i has to visit them 6 times over the weekend, which is about 5 times too much. Drank a shocking amount of warm Guinness from the can, loads of kebabs and curries, and even tried a few ‘dabs’ of that mdma stuff. Very ‘grouty’ shïte this morning, which had a very yellow hue to it. I’ll spare you the details of the smell as this is a family website.

Let me tell you sommit,John, any stool who drinks warm Guinness from the can deserves all h/she gets.

Here’s my advice, boil wash your set of mustard comfort fits and when all the dried in drittle, specks of spangle, ground in arse oil and bag brie has been ‘dissipated’ take two tablespoons of the ‘soup’ and it should perk you up.

You should be able to spool out a thick porridgey discharge like kinda sour milk after an hour or two.

Should clean you out.

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Let me tell you sommit,John, any stool who drinks warm Guinness from the can deserves all h/she gets.

Here’s my advice, boil wash your set of mustard comfort fits and when all the dried in drittle, specks of spangle, ground in arse oil and bag brie has been ‘dissipated’ take two tablespoons of the ‘soup’ and it should perk you up.

You should be able to spool out a thick porridgey discharge like kinda sour milk after an hour or two.

Should clean you out.

I’ll be passing on that advice, Brendan. What else is a beer monster meant to drink at a festival? Warm stout is better than warm lager which gives you terrible gas and leads to PH 2 poos the next day. I stuck to 8 cans a day and topped up by buyjng pints of ale at 6 eurons a pop from the bar. Few toots from the old ‘nosebag’ and a couple of pinky fingers into the mdma bag kept me ticking over until 5 in the morning each day.

Hector Savage

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’ll be passing on that advice, Brendan. What else is a beer monster meant to drink at a festival? Warm stout is better than warm lager which gives you terrible gas and leads to PH 2 poos the next day. I stuck to 8 cans a day and topped up by buyjng pints of ale at 6 eurons a pop from the bar. Few toots from the old ‘nosebag’ and a couple of pinky fingers into the mdma bag kept me ticking over until 5 in the morning each day.

Jaysus Johnny if you don't mind me sayin' for a man your age that sounds like a lot of old stress on the system.

Homelander

Went into the jacks at work yesterday to discover a sight that would turn a butchers stomach.

An unflushed atrocity of faecal deposit that appeared to hit every note on the bristol stool chart complete with a smattering of blood to top it off, a bit like strawberry syrup poured over poorly served chocolate ice cream.

Not only was it completely filling the bowl in its unflushed state - there was no evidence whatsoever of toilet paper having been employed to address the situation.

Backed out of there pronto and exited sharply, decided to use the 'customer' bathrooms instead.

Some people are just filthy beyond words.

Homelander

Homelander wrote: »

Went into the jacks at work yesterday to discover a sight that would turn a butchers stomach.

An unflushed atrocity of faecal deposit that appeared to hit every note on the bristol stool chart complete with a smattering of blood to top it off, a bit like strawberry syrup poured over poorly served chocolate ice cream.

Not only was it completely filling the bowl in its unflushed state - there was no evidence whatsoever of toilet paper having been employed to address the situation.

Backed out of there pronto and exited sharply, decided to use the 'customer' bathrooms instead.

Some people are just filthy beyond words.

By the sound of it they went straight to the A&e as soon as they finished!