What's the etiquette here??

Sharp MZ700

I knew I shouldn't have had those garlic mushrooms at 10 o clock last night! Herself was working late so I put in the order for a taco chips garlic mushrooms and quarter cheese salad as she was on the way home.
3.59 it hit. A woeful cramp betook me in the cot I knew it wasn't good. Straight to the porcelain pitch and surprisingly oozed out the creamiest most pleasant shiìte I've done in a week. I was bracing for the "chilli flicks" brushing the badge customary felt after taco chips but alas, no.
Delighted with life back into the cot.
3 chites later lads I'm afraid to move here as i lay here and type.

Clearly the first shìte was the leftovers from a good 2 day diet run and was bunging up the watersludge back up further! Shìtting there in the dark listening to what sounded like an otter down a waterslide I turned on the light for a look. Initially I was sorry I did as what I saw not even Munch could paint, a brownish green concoction like a vegetarian cocktail straight from the blender, only to catch myself in the mirror and gave myself the smuggest grin, pure pride in knowing I had produced that little beauty.

Karma's a bitch though, and she won't let me go yet:-(

Slideways

I know the subject of wiping has come up a number of times here before but I had a particularly messy clean up that just wasn’t giving me the clean sheet that symbolised job completion.

So in the interests of science I adopted a new stance.

Picture the scene, trousers around the knee on the left leg, raised the right leg and let them slip down to the ankle and then hoisted the foot up on to the toilet bowl.

With a slight forward lean, I’m guessing 15deg or so the tea towel holder was presented without obstruction and with a triple folded quilted bog roll I was able to get the detritus that was causing the issue with ease.

Give it a try me lads (and lassies) Feedback is always welcome


Ps: I did give the seat a little polish and removed the mark my dubarrys has left behind.

gerrybbadd

A little pro tip for those that may suffer from the occasional "wiping the tip of a marker" when applying toilet paper to the balloon knot -

Take your bunch of toilet paper, and dab it under the nearest tap so that it gets lightly wet - more moist than anything. Apply to the affected area in the usual fashion. You'll be glad you did - it'll take no more than a few wipes (rather than a whole roll), trying to dispense with "permanent marker arse"

partyguinness

Now, I am cursed with midden that can require up to 4-5 flushes which is very embarrassing in a small office environment.

The old lad is away on holiday this week so I have a free run of the cubicle. Instead of having to leave the cubicle in a somewhat presentable state I can just flush once and leave the residue. I'll come back later and flush on my next visit.

But Jaysus, to see it there 3-4 hours later stewing away and the bang off it. Totally disintegrated. The normally pristine pool looks like it has been hit with a highly toxic industrial waste spillage. All that is missing is a few thousand dead salmon and a shopping trolley floating around.

I have to be careful to leave the toilet seat down in case the door is open and one of the girls catches sight of it walking past. Leaving monster disintegrating turds festering in the toilet is not compatible with the corporate high powered image one wants to project.

Sharp MZ700

gerrybbadd wrote: »

A little pro tip for those that may suffer from the occasional "wiping the tip of a marker" when applying toilet paper to the balloon knot -

Take your bunch of toilet paper, and dab it under the nearest tap so that it gets lightly wet - more moist than anything. Apply to the affected area in the usual fashion. You'll be glad you did - it'll take no more than a few wipes (rather than a whole roll), trying to dispense with "permanent marker arse"

Good tip Gerry, just to add... Do not do this if the undercarriage is prone to the aul arsegrapes. I find the concave side of the shaving mirror handy for checking this, otherwise you'd be just as well using a sheet of 40 grit!

Slideways

gerrybbadd wrote: »

A little pro tip for those that may suffer from the occasional "wiping the tip of a marker" when applying toilet paper to the balloon knot -

Take your bunch of toilet paper, and dab it under the nearest tap so that it gets lightly wet - more moist than anything. Apply to the affected area in the usual fashion. You'll be glad you did - it'll take no more than a few wipes (rather than a whole roll), trying to dispense with "permanent marker arse"

Or just spit on it like a man. Avoid hocking a loogie on the tissue as this may exacerbate the situation

Utter Consternation

Slideways wrote: »

I know the subject of wiping has come up a number of times here before but I had a particularly messy clean up that just wasn’t giving me the clean sheet that symbolised job completion.

So in the interests of science I adopted a new stance.

Picture the scene, trousers around the knee on the left leg, raised the right leg and let them slip down to the ankle and then hoisted the foot up on to the toilet bowl.

With a slight forward lean, I’m guessing 15deg or so the tea towel holder was presented without obstruction and with a triple folded quilted bog roll I was able to get the detritus that was causing the issue with ease.

Give it a try me lads (and lassies) Feedback is always welcome


Ps: I did give the seat a little polish and removed the mark my dubarrys has left behind.

Sounds a bit complicated SW. I'd probably do my back in or knock myself unconscious.

That's never a good look.

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Sounds a bit complicated SW. I'd probably do my back in or knock myself unconscious.

That's never a good look.

No, certainly not, U.

As I’ve stated, previously, if you’re looking to get a full, and frank, polishing of the badge you have to give it the “down & under”.

This is not without its risks. You are in real danger, again, as stated previously, of “pissy hand”, “barse staining” and/or “sac smear”.

Trust me, you do not want that last one. The wrinkles of the bag make it like clearing dog “fouling” from a heavily treaded boot. Dreadful business, and not one that can be addressed with a match.

I’ve looked into the different wiping “techniques”, and while, almost, impossible to train yourself to change, you can “switch” things up when necessary.

Excellent tip re the “wetting” of the paper. Everyone should take note there, “over-wiping” can be a dangerous game.

gerrybbadd

A new product, perhaps one badly needed by some of our clientele here. Was in Dealz earlier and spotted some

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wick-VIPoo-Spray-Lemon-Single/dp/B01N42EYS7

partyguinness

I have been giving some thought to the idea of dabbing the bog roll with a little water.

While the logic and theory is sound, I do fear the practical reality can be a little disappointing.

In my experience, the wet tissue will instantly disintegrate into little small pieces of tissue on immediate contact with the sheriff's badge.

Have you ever tried wiping your ass straight out of the shower/bath without drying off? You'll be picking flecks of tissue from your arse for hours once its dried out.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

partyguinness wrote: »

I have been giving some thought to the idea of dabbing the bog roll with a little water.

While the logic and theory is sound, I do fear the practical reality can be a little disappointing.

In my experience, the wet tissue will instantly disintegrate into little small pieces of tissue on immediate contact with the sheriff's badge.

Have you ever tried wiping your ass straight out of the shower/bath without drying off? You'll be picking flecks of tissue from your arse for hours once its dried out.

Abso-feckin-lutley. First thought that came to mind for me too. Poor advice and to be honest, people just need to commit to wet wipes and get over it.

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

I have been giving some thought to the idea of dabbing the bog roll with a little water.

While the logic and theory is sound, I do fear the practical reality can be a little disappointing.

In my experience, the wet tissue will instantly disintegrate into little small pieces of tissue on immediate contact with the sheriff's badge.

Have you ever tried wiping your ass straight out of the shower/bath without drying off? You'll be picking flecks of tissue from your arse for hours once its dried out.

You are 100% correct there, P. Completely. The lower the toilet paper “quality” the worse it gets.

One way to avoid this is to employ the “tamping” method. You fold over a few sheets, get a nice flat area and, gently, let the tap run over it. Then you really just “apply” it to your hole with a number of presses. With your last “press” you start to move things in a circular movement.

Yes, you’re not going to be free of “winnets” but they can be dealt with by going back to dry papering. Given the situation, it’s the best shout you’ve got.

Utter Consternation

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You are 100% correct there, P. Completely. The lower the toilet paper “quality” the worse it gets.

One way to avoid this is to employ the “tamping” method. You fold over a few sheets, get a nice flat area and, gently, let the tap run over it. Then you really just “apply” it to your hole with a number of presses. With your last “press” you start to move things in a circular movement.

Yes, you’re not going to be free of “winnets” but they can be dealt with by going back to dry papering. Given the situation, it’s the best shout you’ve got.

So you polish with the wet toilet paper and shine with the dry?

JohnnyFlash

Lot of seriously misguided advice being dispensed here today. I’d put some of it down to maliciousness to be honest.

Dry = minimum 3-ply quality toilet paper.
Wet = wet wipes (non fragrance).

Dry, Dry, Dry, Wet, Wet, Dry, Dry.

Should return even the most sticky of situations to ‘blue flag status’.

This stuff isn’t rocket science, lads. Jesus.

EmmetSpiceland

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Abso-feckin-lutley. First thought that came to mind for me too. Poor advice and to be honest, people just need to commit to wet wipes and get over it.

Have to disagree, S. Wet wipes are terrible for the environment. Even the ones marketed as “flushable”.

If you’re willing to throw them into a bin beside a toilet, like a Greek, then I wouldn’t have any “issue” but straight flushing I’d have no truck with. None at all.

EmmetSpiceland

Utter Consternation wrote: »

So you polish with the wet toilet paper and shine with the dry?

This isn’t what you’d call “standard” procedure, we’re talking the rare occasions when things have taken a “turn” for the worse and, I can only assume, the surround “thatch” has been heavily compromised.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Have to disagree, S. Wet wipes are terrible for the environment. Even the ones marketed as “flushable”.

Emmet I don't drive a car, I don't eat meat, and I've been recycling since '06.

You'll take my wet wipes from my cold clammy hands.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Maybe I do need to be a bit more environmentally conscious after all Emmet. Apologies for speaking too soon.

I was just reading about rural parts of South America and Africa which are covered in used wet wipes. If you go fishing in the river all you'll pull out everyday is hundreds of soiled wet wipes, and they are hanging from trees, and brought by animals into their burrows. Fairly off-putting.

I'm thinking I'll by some muslin cloth and use long narrow strips. Wet the centre, and kind of pull back and forth either side of the strip until any remnants of muck and slop are gone.

EmmetSpiceland

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Emmet I don't drive a car, I don't eat meat, and I've been recycling since '06.

You'll take my wet wipes from my cold clammy hands.

Thanks for that, Dee Klein, but there isn’t some sort of “karmic offset” when it comes to the environment. Use a “designated” face cloth, only used by you, and be done with the wet wipes. They are a disgrace.

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You are 100% correct there, P. Completely. The lower the toilet paper “quality” the worse it gets.

One way to avoid this is to employ the “tamping” method. You fold over a few sheets, get a nice flat area and, gently, let the tap run over it. Then you really just “apply” it to your hole with a number of presses. With your last “press” you start to move things in a circular movement.

Yes, you’re not going to be free of “winnets” but they can be dealt with by going back to dry papering. Given the situation, it’s the best shout you’ve got.

I am loathe to spend money on something I am literally covering in midden. I might as well use a few €5.00 notes.

So as a purveyor of the lowest quality paper on the market I must expand my experiences into the more luxurious end of the supermarket shelf with your technique in mind.

Personally and without opening the tap, I favour pressing the paper against the underside of the tap. There should be just enough residual water to provide a nice controlled wet patch. Letting the tap run over it can be a bit dicey and you could be left with a wet blob of paper in your hand only fit for a school yard riot but then again I do reach for the cheapest paper. If the sink is located outside the cubicle a little more imagination and stealth is required.

Dry papering is a very important note to end on as one does not like the uncomfortable feeling of a "wetness" between the cheeks when leaving a toilet. The use of baby wipes also gives this uncomfortable feeling and one cannot discard down the toilet. The environment is getting enough of a hammering from my midden without adding wet wipes to the mix.

EmmetSpiceland

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Maybe I do need to be a bit more environmentally conscious after all Emmet. Apologies for speaking too soon.

I was just reading about rural parts of South America and Africa which are covered in used wet wipes. If you go fishing in the river all you'll pull out everyday is hundreds of soiled wet wipes, and they are hanging from trees, and brought by animals into their burrows. Fairly off-putting.

I'm thinking I'll by some muslin cloth and use long narrow strips. Wet the centre, and kind of pull back and forth either side of the strip until any remnants of muck and slop are gone.

Glad to hear it, well done.

“Flossing” with the cloth is certainly an alternative. Just requires practice to avoid “soil spreading”.

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

I am loathe to spend money on something I am literally covering in midden. I might as well use a few €5.00 notes.

So as a purveyor of the lowest quality paper on the market I must expand my experiences into the more luxurious end of the supermarket shelf with your technique in mind.

Prepare yourself for a “lecture” from Mr. J. Flash Esq.

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

This thread is lacking toilet paper reviews. Folks should endeavour to try different brands when they are restocking and report back.

Sharp MZ700

Anything to be said for refilling one of those sponge shoe shine applicators with a bit of Dettol to clean the hole? Or Oven Cleaner?
Drip free and easy apply I'm surprised someone hasn't cottoned on yet.

gerrybbadd

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

This thread is lacking toilet paper reviews. Folks should endeavour to try different brands when they are restocking and report back.

For me, there has to be a dual sidedness.

One with a texture to it, for adequate removal of debris. The other, nice, soft and smooth, for that finishing polish

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Anything to be said for refilling one of those sponge shoe shine applicators with a bit of Dettol to clean the hole?

You could carry one around in your satchel or man-bag I suppose in case of emergencies, but I feel that it wouldn't be the most enjoyable activity to be cleaning off the slime and nuggets of gunk you'd find on it afterwards.

I'd love to go at my hole with a little piece of wet sponge. Natural and soft, byt you'd be leaving soiled pieces of floating sponge everywhere you go. Still might try it.

partyguinness

It looks like the Europeans are way ahead of us on such matters.

The humble bidet. Not just for cleaning football boots as a young fella.

EmmetSpiceland

partyguinness wrote: »

It looks like the Europeans are way ahead of us on such matters.

The humble bidet. Not just for cleaning football boots as a young fella.

What’s the deal with “drying” on them, P? Is there a “communal” towel or do you just end up papering and dealing with bits?

partyguinness

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

What’s the deal with “drying” on them, P? Is there a “communal” towel or do you just end up papering and dealing with bits?

Well E, there are two scenarios:-

1. The comfort of your own home or hotel room. Home rules apply.
2. European public facilities do not tend to use towels so paper towels all the way.


As noted earlier in the thread, the Japanese have taken such matters to whole new dimension.


I do recall using a bidet in a private house in England a few years back and I used the communal towel out of spite. I really got stuck in making sure I was bone dry on exiting the bathroom.

TBH I thought that towel is probably dirtier than my ass so I was keeping a close eye out for any strange sensations over the next few days in case any infections and the like set in.

Hector Savage

These last few mornings I've been letting off some farts, no smell of the f*ckers thank god, but the noise off them!
The kind of farts that wake you up, my 3 year old is in stitches laughing, my 7 year old is embarrassed and the dog is looking
at me with that tilted head and ears up confusion.
Big BAAARRRRPPPPPPPPP ones, where the cheeks of the arse feel like the are clapping 50 times a second.

As mentioned here, never trust the arse clock either, I think I posted a few weeks ago about needing to get off the train a few stops earlier
to shotgun blast the jacks of a small cafe I (used to) frequent.

Few times this week I've felt the sheriffs badge twinge in the morning but only slightly, still would deliver a few nuggets to be safe.
Only 45 mins later in work to smash the pewter with gouts of ripe midden.
No chance of getting into an accident situation, but only cos I'd deposit some before leaving - again never trust the arse clock.