What's the etiquette here??

Slideways

I’m sure some of the older folk on here can recall seeing videos of the USSR, large juggernauts hauling a enormous missle through the streets followed by 500 perfectly marching soldiers in duffel coats.

Well that’s what my colon feels like today. Haven’t schit in 4 days and I swear I can see the shape of the offending item slowly inch towards my tea towel holder. Brace yourself Slidey, this May draw blood

Class MayDresser

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

1. Check under the sink for a can of ‘Glade’.

2. Say you left the immersion on a have to slip next door to turn it off.

3. Discharge the load in your trousers and tough it out.

Thanks pal, I'd have a bit more finesse than that though.

Glade is rank.

Fireball81

VI Poo?

Am back in the office but there are only a few of us so back so the traps have been quiet. I've been able to take care of business in peace and quiet, something I really missed at home.

Went for a dip in the sea last night, very nice it was although about 10-15 minutes in there was a bit of gurgling downstairs.

Obviously no facilities so whilst still in the water dropped the budgeys and dumped straight into the water (needs must). Quick wash with my hand and moved quickly away from that portion of the water before it caught up with me.

Not something I would normally do but had no choice really, it was a actually quite pleasant. Not too many others in the water either.

Blowheads

Fireball81 wrote: »

VI Poo?

Am back in the office but there are only a few of us so back so the traps have been quiet. I've been able to take care of business in peace and quiet, something I really missed at home.

Went for a dip in the sea last night, very nice it was although about 10-15 minutes in there was a bit of gurgling downstairs.

Obviously no facilities so whilst still in the water dropped the budgeys and dumped straight into the water (needs must). Quick wash with my hand and moved quickly away from that portion of the water before it caught up with me.

Not something I would normally do but had no choice really, it was a actually quite pleasant. Not too many others in the water either.

An absolute breach of etiquette, filthy kernt. People like you have no place on a decent thread like this

Hotblack Desiato

That beach is going from Blue Flag to Brown Flag in one swift, eh, movement...

EmmetSpiceland

Blowheads wrote: »

An absolute breach of etiquette, filthy kernt. People like you have no place on a decent thread like this

Ho, steady on there, hoss.

Let’s he who has not shat out in “open waters” cast the first stone. And, before we run this guy out of town, we really should be looking for more “details”.

We should clarify exactly what he “dropped” and just how populated this area was. I mean, if he just “logged” into the water then that is far less of a “crime” than, say, if he were to have burst out “plumes” of liquid mess. A log can be avoided by a fellow swimmer but murky, cloudy, poop water, well, that’s going in mouths, up noses and into the eyes of anyone not goggled.

A couple of logs in the sea? Well, that’s just a drop in the ocean, swimmers are used to navigating unwelcome “flotsam and jetsam”. If this was liquid in liquid, that’s really only for emergencies and anyone in the “locale” should be advised to move further afield.

Dirty business but, sometimes, justifiable. Sometimes.

Hotblack Desiato

Slideways wrote: »

I’m sure some of the older folk on here can recall seeing videos of the USSR, large juggernauts hauling a enormous missle through the streets followed by 500 perfectly marching soldiers in duffel coats.

Well that’s what my colon feels like today.

Hmmm, solid or liquid fuelled?

One massive 'warhead' or multiple smaller ones?

A chemical or nerve gas payload perhaps?

I think we need to send in Hans Blix and the team of UN inspectors.

I'm not going to make the too-obvious "weapon of ass destruction" pun though.

gerrybbadd

Fireball81 wrote: »

VI Poo?

Am back in the office but there are only a few of us so back so the traps have been quiet. I've been able to take care of business in peace and quiet, something I really missed at home.

Went for a dip in the sea last night, very nice it was although about 10-15 minutes in there was a bit of gurgling downstairs.

Obviously no facilities so whilst still in the water dropped the budgeys and dumped straight into the water (needs must). Quick wash with my hand and moved quickly away from that portion of the water before it caught up with me.

Not something I would normally do but had no choice really, it was a actually quite pleasant. Not too many others in the water either.

For fúck sake. And no doubt a big **** as well while you were in there?

There's a cod someplace off the coast choking on a log as we speak

Fireball81

To clarify lads,

This was not planned, it was an emergency
The discharge was tadpole like and did not seem a lot
There was no self love, that would be inappropriate

Last time I had an dump in the sea was when I was a young lad I think, probably a similar emergency.

Brendan Bendar

Class MayDresser wrote: »

Thanks pal, I'd have a bit more finesse than that though.

Glade is rank.

No charge Cee, but in an emergency with extreme imminent disaster on top of one, it’s any port in a storm.

Had occasion to leave the lounge in a relatives house, find both shïtters blocked .

Hit the kitchen, found a big ‘Stellar’ 2.5l saucepan.

Quick drop, bend forward, and piped a steaming load into vessel in a flash.

Found a head of iceberg lettuce in the fridge ,shredded it and covered the lot with it.

Left very shortly afterwards.... ..:cool:

Class MayDresser

Serious question here lads, tell me if I'm stepping out of line amongst such learned folk.

Why is it ok to churn one out into a "Stellar" saucepan topped with lettuce to make a "Worcestershire" salad, and that lad earlier on got ran out of town for freezing his in a 3 star deep freezer?

There's not too far in the difference in my mind, trots for some misfortunate unwitting vegan versus potential pork steak mixup for a working man's dinner.

Brendan Bendar

Class MayDresser wrote: »

Serious question here lads, tell me if I'm stepping out of line amongst such learned folk.

Why is it ok to churn one out into a "Stellar" saucepan topped with lettuce to make a "Worcestershire" salad, and that lad earlier on got ran out of town for freezing his in a 3 star deep freezer?

There's not too far in the difference in my mind, trots for some misfortunate unwitting vegan versus potential pork steak mixup for a working man's dinner.

What are you on about dude.

Let’s get it out in the open.

What are you on about.

Class MayDresser

Can't put it any simpler mate, wheres the line between acceptable and unacceptable these parts?

Heave a log into a saucepan, OK.

Put a stool into a freezer, not OK.

Why is this?

Worse than Jeremy Kyle.

Bullocks

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No charge Cee, but in an emergency with extreme imminent disaster on top of one, it’s any port in a storm.

Had occasion to leave the lounge in a relatives house, find both shïtters blocked .

Hit the kitchen, found a big ‘Stellar’ 2.5l saucepan.

Quick drop, bend forward, and piped a steaming load into vessel in a flash.

Found a head of iceberg lettuce in the fridge ,shredded it and covered the lot with it.

Left very shortly afterwards.... ..:cool:

What kind of relatives have you got?
If I had one broken toilet I wouldn't entertain visitors but two and still let people into the house is asking for trouble!

EmmetSpiceland

Class MayDresser wrote: »

Serious question here lads, tell me if I'm stepping out of line amongst such learned folk.

Why is it ok to churn one out into a "Stellar" saucepan topped with lettuce to make a "Worcestershire" salad, and that lad earlier on got ran out of town for freezing his in a 3 star deep freezer?

There's not too far in the difference in my mind, trots for some misfortunate unwitting vegan versus potential pork steak mixup for a working man's dinner.

You do make some fine points, C. Fine points. I guess, and this is just my “perspective”, that the more humorous the scenario, the most “acceptable” it is.

I’ve never been one for the “revenge shítting”, myself, but tales of that nature do make me laugh.

In the example you gave the lad “dumping” into the Tupperware was in his own house and keeping it in his own freezer. The whole idea is just disgusting.

In the second example, you have a man being offered “hospitality” in another’s home but then it turns out that the house has, not one, but two broken toilets. Two.

In Ancient Greece, Zeus was, among other things, the god of “hospitality”. You didn’t take anything you couldn’t repay and you didn’t overstay your welcome. The rules applied to both guest and host. Anyone who breached the rules would be punished severely.

I don’t want to “victim blame” but you could argue that by not providing a working toilet to a treasured guest that they, then, suffered the wrath of Zeus, himself.

Maybe it was Karma. Who knows really but what goes around comes around.
Respect the rules, or it could be more than just your pots that “suffer“.

You can’t be too careful.

Brendan Bendar

Who said the dunnies were fohherking broken.

There were people cutting rope in them,ffs.

What do I do... “Hammer door, “Missus ,pot roast ready, dab your lettuce quick an let me in”

People jumping to conclusions here....jjeeeez

JohnnyFlash

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You do make some fine points, C. Fine points. I guess, and this is just my “perspective”, that the more humorous the scenario, the most “acceptable” it is.

I’ve never been one for the “revenge shítting”, myself, but tales of that nature do make me laugh.

In the example you gave the lad “dumping” into the Tupperware was in his own house and keeping it in his own freezer. The whole idea is just disgusting.

In the second example, you have a man being offered “hospitality” in another’s home but then it turns out that the house has, not one, but two broken toilets. Two.

In Ancient Greece, Zeus was, among other things, the god of “hospitality”. You didn’t take anything you couldn’t repay and you didn’t overstay your welcome. The rules applied to both guest and host. Anyone who breached the rules would be punished severely.

I don’t want to “victim blame” but you could argue that by not providing a working toilet to a treasured guest that they, then, suffered the wrath of Zeus, himself.

Maybe it was Karma. Who knows really but what goes around comes around.
Respect the rules, or it could be more than just your pots that “suffer“.

You can’t be too careful.

A revenge shíte is a completely different kettle of fish (if you'll pardon the pun) than some sort of weird fetish involving storing and cataloguing your own stools.

Even then it should only be used as a last resort. I may have told this tale before, but I was in a pub in London in the late 80's. Not the best time for an Irish lad over there, but even then you'd expect politeness from the pub owner. Yet there the cúnt was giving me abuse for being Irish, despite the fact I was drinking more than the rest of the place put together.

Anyway, enough was enough, so I headed into the shïtters, picked the middle cubicle, closed the door, lifted the lid off the cistern and placed it on the floor, got up on the toilet, dropped the trousers and undercrackers, and unloaded a length of arse eels right on top of the moving parts.

Decided I’d stay around to witness the fireworks, so had another pint and was shoving 10p coins into the fruit machine. Punter comes out of the jacks with an ashen faced look on his face, and goes up to the counter to talk to the landlord. The fat cûnt emerges from behind the bar and marches into the jacks. Few seconds delay, and then I hear him saying ‘what the cattle truck happened ere eh? For fûcks sake, some kernt is after havin’ a Turkish Delight in the fackin’ cistern’.

Finished me pint, had a good chuckle, then put on my leather jacket, and got the hell out of there. :cool:

Brendan Bendar

Spot on John...and I might have relayed this one.

Rambled into an upmarket pub SoCoDub early to take a shïte.

Porridge faced kernt with watery eyes behind the bar.

“ Where’s the shïtter horse” I said politely, as I always do

Didn’t even look up....“Customers only” says whey face.

Pause from the Bren........ KNOB.....”Right so ,stick on a pint for me”

“Downstairs bud” says cement face

Went down and noticed a delivery going in and an open door beside the traps

In ,and clouded the furniture with a spray of watery fawn coloured midden.

Covered the kip.

Buttoned up and out the delivery door happy in the knowledge that cement face would have some cleaning to do and a pint to explain.

Customer is king as Mr Quinn used to say.

Hector Savage

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No charge Cee, but in an emergency with extreme imminent disaster on top of one, it’s any port in a storm.

Had occasion to leave the lounge in a relatives house, find both shïtters blocked .

Hit the kitchen, found a big ‘Stellar’ 2.5l saucepan.

Quick drop, bend forward, and piped a steaming load into vessel in a flash.

Found a head of iceberg lettuce in the fridge ,shredded it and covered the lot with it.

Left very shortly afterwards.... ..:cool:

yeah ..... this didn't happen

NeinNeinNein

Always suspected your average swimmer is up to no good. Their horrible overheated little faces as they huff and slosh around the place, balls and bumps wrapped in sweaty nylon. A dodgy lot indeed.

Hotblack Desiato

You've never been in the scrotum-tightening (James Joyce) waters of the Irish Sea then.

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

yeah ..... this didn't happen

I can still get the bang Hecko, now it was an emergency.

NeinNeinNein

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

You've never been in the scrotum-tightening (James Joyce) waters of the Irish Sea then.

Only in a boat.

armaghlad

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Always suspected your average swimmer is up to no good. Their horrible overheated little faces as they huff and slosh around the place, balls and bumps wrapped in sweaty nylon. A dodgy lot indeed.

Up there with the cyclists

partyguinness

Shocking incidents last night and new territory. I went out for my daily run around 8.30pm. Only a flat 9k gentle run listening a podcast. Had dropped a severe load earlier in the day at work so not expecting any issues that end.

But anyway, all unremarkable and uneventful until I was about 10 mins from home on the return leg. A sharp tell tell pain hit me in my lower gut. Really sharp- had to put my hand on and grimace. Even let out a few groans.

Sheriff's badge started to bulge involuntarily. Kept running and convinced myself I'll make it home. Let out some gas which was like Russian Roulette.

Rounded a corner and the contractions around the badge became urgent and not taking ‘No’ for an answer. Thankfully nobody else out walking along this scenic country park- straight into some bushes and hid behind a sturdy oak tree and let rip- orange hued runny midden with the consistency of pancake batter. All I am thinking is ‘What the fcuk brought that on?’. Thankfully I didn’t **** on myself but I did take a hit from some stray piss down the back of my legs. I’ll take that if that is the worst outcome. Recomposed myself and back onto the path and off I continued. - nobody around so clean getaway. That I thought was the end of it…

About 300 metres from my front door there was a second wave of attack. The forces of Mordor upped the ante. I had to quicken the pace considerably and even though I could literally see my front door in the distance I honestly was not going to make it- my Garmin was going mental at this stage as my heart rate monitor was soaring- beep beep beep (gone into Threshold). Now I was on the street so no chance to duck behind bushes.

Desperately clenching the cheeks and goose stepping as quick as humanly possible I even cut through my neighbour’s front garden to get to the front door. Banged on the window for the wife to let me in…she seemed to take a fcuking eternity. Straight past her (“Need a wee” says I) out to the downstairs toilet out the back- think of that scene in American Pie. I absolutely exploded and the noise was deafening.

To say I ruined the toilet would be like saying the Titanic sprung a leak. Grand understatement. Buck shot everywhere- it even landed on the toilet seat (in other words it must have shot upward into the air and landed down on the seat…let the physics lads work on that) and some specks on my tshirt up my back. Took several flushes and there was even drips of sweat on the floor.

Feeling weak and a little sorry for myself I made my way upstairs and showered and had to lie down on the bed for 45 mins to recompose and process what had just happened. Thankfully the wife is half deaf (watches TV with subtitles at this stage) and she was none the wiser.

It is an incident that will live with me for a long time. I thought I had the running v. toilet routine down to a tee- years of practice but now I am not so sure. Leaving the house this morning I was still a little shaken truth be told. Confidence has taken a massive hit.

Brendan Bendar

Excellent reportage Pee.

Hope everything ok.

Cartman78

And that folks is why running is so good for weight loss.

Do a bit of the old tarmac pounding myself and on the morning of a race (and sometimes the night before) some primal force and function assumes command of all evacuation activity with the express and undeniable goal of making my body as light as humanly possible.

You hear a lot about a runners "high" and "endorphins" but nobody ever talks about the pre race scutters

ILikeBoats

Running does "loosen" the bowels alright

JohnnyFlash

ILikeBoats wrote: »

Running does "loosen" the bowels alright

Some of the more ‘bound up’ posters on Boards should take it up as a hobby then. Might also help to shift one or two of their chins.

partyguinness

Cartman78 wrote: »

And that folks is why running is so good for weight loss.

Do a bit of the old tarmac pounding myself and on the morning of a race (and sometimes the night before) some primal force and function assumes command of all evacuation activity with the express and undeniable goal of making my body as light as humanly possible.

You hear a lot about a runners "high" and "endorphins" but nobody ever talks about the pre race scutters

Very true. In fact the pre race scutters are a highlight and a tremendous experience- highly recommended. Nothing cleans out the system quite like it.

Miles 22-25 in the marathon (or the Deathzone as I call it) I have seen some unspeakable horrors. It's like the opening scene to Saving Private Ryan....and then some. Women dropping their shorts on the side of the road and letting loose is an image that is hard to shake....bare white arses on show.