What's the etiquette here??

gerrybbadd

I made the rookie mistake last night of partaking in embibing upon the "Devil's Lettuce".

I had made up a dough to form pizza bases, simple fare really, yeast, flour, water, olive oil, garlic granules, basil and some nice maple syrup.

The hunger of a thousand came down upon me of a sudden, so i crafted 2 perfectly round pizzas, one topped with italian sausage (made this myself too) and the other with a simple sun dried tomato. This feed (shared with my better half) was not enough, so a festival of crisps, chocolate and sweets was launched into as well.

The results this morning - explosive cow pats. I had to "attend" to business quite rapidly when I arose, going to the jacks under the stairs. Herself wasn't as impressed as I was with the fent, wondering aloud why "that animal" wouldn't lay out a bit of spray to assist in the clearing of said fent. Working away from home upstairs, I could only let a little chuckle out as I heard the extractor fan coming on, and being left for the better part of 2 hours.

Hector Savage

Great to catch up on the thread !

gerrybbadd

Things haven't improved much here today. Just out after the last bout of dropping off Petrol Station deli counter gravy. Herself just asked me "did that wan burn the hair off your hole?"

Nevin Parsnipp

gerrybbadd wrote: »

Things haven't improved much here today. Just out after the last bout of dropping off Petrol Station deli counter gravy. Herself just asked me "did that wan burn the hair off your hole?"

Classy lady you got there Ger...congrats.

Hinting for a bang of the auld sh1te tamper ...if you ask this poster ?

EmmetSpiceland

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Classy lady you got there Ger...congrats.

Hinting for a bang of the auld sh1te tamper ...if you ask this poster ?

Are you talking “pegging” here, N? Wouldn’t be something I’d be into myself, but whatever floats your “boat”.

Hector Savage

Pringles crisps wouldn't be my favourite crisp, but unfortunately in Spain like many things you can't get a decent pack of crisps.
I had a whole can of pringles the other night with a few bottles of Guinness, one thing about pringles they must be the most addictive crisps out there, even if definitely not the tastiest - I'm convinced they put heroin in them or something ...

Anyway gave me terrible constipation and played havoc with my belly, drinking cups of coffee didn't help much, could only strain out a few pebbles, thankfully today things have returned to somewhat normal, but I would expect that combo to give the scutthers to be honest...

Hector Savage

... Jaysus lads I'd murder for a decent pint of Guinness and a pack of O Donnells Cheese & Onion ....

Stuck in this 3rd world sh1thole for now tho ...

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Are you talking “pegging” here, N? Wouldn’t be something I’d be into myself, but whatever floats your “boat”.

Was out with a few lads from the office before the lock down after completing some ‘important company business’.

Many pints were taken and a rather heavy set tug boat strode across the bar floor.

One of the lads eyed her up and said, “I’d take a good pegging from that auld bewer, get her cannons deep in me hoop,so I would’.

Collapsed in a heap under the bar stool shortly afterwards.

JohnnyFlash

Not sure this is actually a Top Tip. Editorial standards could be dropping at Viz HQ.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Not sure this is actually a Top Tip. Editorial standards could be dropping at Viz HQ.

You can speed up that “process” if you keep a small bucket of fine sand, or talc, in the bathroom. Once the “evacuation” is complete you simply scoop up a handful of the sand and, gently, “tamp” it up against the hole area.

This will dry out any of the “mess” so much so that when you’re finished reading whatever “periodical” you may have been perusing you can just brush off the dirty sand and all you’re left with is a clean, dry, hole. Some don’t feel the hand is a good idea for this part of the task so may employ a goose wing, or another form of “duster”. It’s really up to you.

It should be said that both time and care are required with this “method” of clean up. A rushed job can lead to, major discomfort, ring sting, ire, sandy sac and, of course, “red eye”.

But a patient “practitioner”, with a steady hand, can yield quite breathtaking results. Most impressive.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You can speed up that “process” if you keep a small bucket of fine sand, or talc, in the bathroom. Once the “evacuation” is complete you simply scoop up a handful of the sand and, gently, “tamp” it up against the hole area.

This will dry out any of the “mess” so much so that when you’re finished reading whatever “periodical” you may have been perusing you can just brush off the dirty sand and all you’re left with is a clean, dry, hole. Some don’t feel the hand is a good idea for this part of the task so may employ a goose wing, or another form of “duster”. It’s really up to you.

It should be said that both time and care are required with this “method” of clean up. A rushed job can lead to, major discomfort, ring sting, ire, sandy sac and, of course, “red eye”.

But a patient “practitioner”, with a steady hand, can yield quite breathtaking results. Most impressive.

Cleared a fairly serious nest of arse spiders 🕷 in the shower this am.

Bit of a build up.... secret is let the fcukers soften up and give em a good ‘sawing’ with the left paw.

Smooth as a baby’s cheek after the process.

I’d never apply rough emollient near the muzzle.

Sensitive aireeea as they say in Kerry.

Brendan Bendar

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You can speed up that “process” if you keep a small bucket of fine sand, or talc, in the bathroom. Once the “evacuation” is complete you simply scoop up a handful of the sand and, gently, “tamp” it up against the hole area.

This will dry out any of the “mess” so much so that when you’re finished reading whatever “periodical” you may have been perusing you can just brush off the dirty sand and all you’re left with is a clean, dry, hole. Some don’t feel the hand is a good idea for this part of the task so may employ a goose wing, or another form of “duster”. It’s really up to you.

It should be said that both time and care are required with this “method” of clean up. A rushed job can lead to, major discomfort, ring sting, ire, sandy sac and, of course, “red eye”.

But a patient “practitioner”, with a steady hand, can yield quite breathtaking results. Most impressive.

Cleared a fairly serious nest of arse spiders 🕷 in the shower this am.

Bit of a build up.... secret is let the fcukers soften up and give em a good ‘sawing’ with the left paw.

Smooth as a baby’s cheek after the process.

I’d never apply rough abrasive ‘emollient’ near the muzzle.

Sensitive aireeea as they say in Kerry.

Rodney Bathgate

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Cleared a fairly serious nest of arse spiders 🕷 in the shower this am.

Bit of a build up.... secret is let the fcukers soften up and give em a good ‘sawing’ with the left paw.

Smooth as a baby’s cheek after the process.

I’d never apply rough abrasive ‘emollient’ near the muzzle.

Sensitive aireeea as they say in Kerry.

Can someone translate this please? Are we talking chudnuts or something entirely different?

Brendan Bendar

Rodney Bathgate wrote: »

Can someone translate this please? Are we talking chudnuts or something entirely different?

If you can’t understand that post, you have no place on this thread.

Sayin it as it is, dude, real as it gets.

Rodney Bathgate

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

If you can’t understand that post, you have no place on this thread.

Sayin it as it is, dude, real as it gets.

Harsh. I’m clearly not as experienced with dealing with dangleberries as you are, I assume that’s what you mean by nest of arse spiders?

JohnnyFlash

Rodney Bathgate wrote: »

Harsh. I’m clearly not as experienced with dealing with dangleberries as you are, I assume that’s what you mean by nest of arse spiders?

Learn the lingo, dude.

Brendan Bendar

Rodney Bathgate wrote: »

Harsh. I’m clearly not as experienced with dealing with dangleberries as you are, I assume that’s what you mean by nest of arse spiders?

Tagnuts,Winnits, daggins, ring raisins, clumpers,medals, call ‘em what you like, dude.

Rodney Bathgate

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Learn the lingo, dude.

Thanks JF.

Voodoomelon

Had a monstrous feeding of smoked salmon and brown bread yesterday, absolutely phenomenal. Not so phenomenal was being rudely awakened at 3.30am with horrendous stomach cramps and tremendous "heat" down below. As i've mentioned before, bread does not agree with me in the slightest, yet I get away with the wholewheat 90% of the time. Not this time.

I quickly penguin shuffled into the bathroom, keeping my eyes nearly completely closed as one does at 3.30am to minimise a full awakening. I plonked on the seat and released the bomb doors, but nothing happened! Then i could feel the "pressure" below dramatically start to rise!

How can one release and then all you feel is massive pressure?! Building, building, still nothing! Then BOOM! It was like pouring thick gravy straight into the bowl from a height. No splash back, just completely smooth stream of unmentionable substance. And it stopped as quickly as it started, like turning off a tap. Minimal wiping, a baffling experience all things considered.

Hector Savage

This morning even before having my coffee there was serious rumblings down south, lucky I'm still working from home and wasn't on the metro, shuffled on in and opened the hatch, jaysus like machine gunning into a muddy quarry.

Must have deposited a kilo and a half of yobble.

Large pizza and 6 cans of Estrella Galicia last night probably had something to do with it.

Aglomerado

Water main has burst here, I'm working from home and I hope that my pipes and cistern are full in the morning, if I've to drop a log without sluicing it away I will have to burn the house down or throw the toilet out the window. Bucket out the back for rain water overnight. Nice mellow yellow wee wee building up in the bowl.

Brendan Bendar

The auld plastic bag is your man in those situations.

Position the bucket, line her with the plastic bag and blow the midden in at good manifold pressure.

Gets the ‘matter’ down to the bottom as much as possible.

Disposal is matter for yourself,but bung her into a litter bin is an option, although not reccomended by this poster.

Plenty of skips around .

Hector Savage

Aglomerado wrote: »

Water main has burst here, I'm working from home and I hope that my pipes and cistern are full in the morning, if I've to drop a log without sluicing it away I will have to burn the house down or throw the toilet out the window. Bucket out the back for rain water overnight. Nice mellow yellow wee wee building up in the bowl.

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The auld plastic bag is your man in those situations.

Position the bucket, line her with the plastic bag and blow the midden in at good manifold pressure.

Gets the ‘matter’ down to the bottom as much as possible.

Disposal is matter for yourself,but bung her into a litter bin is an option, although not reccomended by this poster.

Plenty of skips around .

I find the oul ****ting in a tupperware, stick the tupper in the freezer, and then cart the tupperware into work to dump it down the kitchen sink is a good method


Or approx 1L of water poured into the bowl from a height - removes anything.


Myself woke up this morning ~6AM with a heavy feeling on the sheriffs badge, could only squeeze out a few pebbles - most annoying.

FF to 10AM after coffee and was goosestepping into the jacks, lovely satisfying explosion of midden - the furking stink tho, would knock out a Mumbai sewage worker ....

Brendan Bendar

Hector Savage wrote: »

I find the oul ****ting in a tupperware, stick the tupper in the freezer, and then cart the tupperware into work to dump it down the kitchen sink is a good method


Or approx 1L of water poured into the bowl from a height - removes anything.


Myself woke up this morning ~6AM with a heavy feeling on the sheriffs badge, could only squeeze out a few pebbles - most annoying.

FF to 10AM after coffee and was goosestepping into the jacks, lovely satisfying explosion of midden - the furking stink tho, would knock out a Mumbai sewage worker ....

Hmmm Tupperware tends to have a small footprint and can lead to overcarry of the target, especially if there is what they refer to as ‘ground effect’ in the aviation sector. A compressed effect,especially near a fixed surface which could influence the landing profile of a dump especially a thin scutthery one, evacuated with force.

Quite unlikely, but like in all serious and academic threads of high scholarly repute,needs to be given proper serious attention by suitably trained and qualified personnel.

Aglomerado

Water back this morning so I didn't have to resort to Tupperware or plastic bags . Just as well, as the matinee performance had an encore 2 hours later. I'm no stranger to going alfresco either, but my garden's overlooked and I might have to walk about 500m to find a quiet spot, stepping on ducks all the way there...:D

Nevin Parsnipp

Rodney Bathgate wrote: »

Thanks JF.

Don't pay much attention to these scrotes Rodders...your contributions to this here forum much appreciated ...

JohnnyFlash

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Don't pay much attention to these scrotes Rodders...your contributions to this here forum much appreciated ...

I’m the GOAT around here, pal. Might be time to lay off the turps and go to bed btw. You’re making a show of yourself.

EmmetSpiceland

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Don't pay much attention to these scrotes Rodders...your contributions to this here forum much appreciated ...

All “contributions” are, indeed, welcome and appreciated, N, but it’s a bit much when said contributor “attacks” this very thread at every opportunity. Across the site.

I mean, referring to this, highly informative, thread on, both, toilet etiquette and experience as “the scat thead” is a serious denigration. All while trying to post in it themselves.

It’s low. This thread has helped people, brought them together, in highs and lows. It has created some, true, “community” spirit. A real rarity on this site.

Obviously, I can’t condone “attacks” on any poster but, I have to say, you reap what you sow. I’m just saying, compadre. You know yourself.

Class MayDresser

Lads, caught in a bad way.
Drinking Smirnoff and Pimms here next door(neighbour got a promotion), and I'm bustin for a number 2. Suffice to say, if I throw a discharge in the downstairs lavatory(this is the clientele we're dealing with here), I'll empty the place out.
Yet, if I go upstairs I'm sure la Matronne will follow me up to show me her Blahniks. And she has a wide neck.

Suggestions?

Brendan Bendar

Class MayDresser wrote: »

Lads, caught in a bad way.
Drinking Smirnoff and Pimms here next door(neighbour got a promotion), and I'm bustin for a number 2. Suffice to say, if I throw a discharge in the downstairs lavatory(this is the clientele we're dealing with here), I'll empty the place out.
Yet, if I go upstairs I'm sure la Matronne will follow me up to show me her Blahniks. And she has a wide neck.

Suggestions?

1. Check under the sink for a can of ‘Glade’.

2. Say you left the immersion on a have to slip next door to turn it off.

3. Discharge the load in your trousers and tough it out.