What's the etiquette here??

Sober Crappy Chemis

Phew... Poop thread is back baby!

Maybe it’s not the end of the world after all....

perrito caliente

Strange sensation on the purse lips all week whenever I'm squeezing sticky fondant through the birth canal. Eventually fingered around there in the shower today and discovered what I think is a wart. Tried to pull it off, but it's a tough, sinewy thing. Should I get one of those white wart creams you apply to the head of the wart with a little brush? Don't want to be wasting my GPs tme at the moment, obviously. Or should I call them to be sure?

EmmetSpiceland

perrito caliente wrote: »

Strange sensation on the purse lips all week whenever I'm squeezing sticky fondant through the birth canal. Eventually fingered around there in the shower today and discovered what I think is a wart. Tried to pull it off, but it's a tough, sinewy thing. Should I get one of those white wart creams you apply to the head of the wart with a little brush? Don't want to be wasting my GPs tme at the moment, obviously. Or should I call them to be sure?

Sounds pretty rough, P. Wouldn’t be doing anything drastic, just yet. Is it causing you any pain or “discomfort”?

Could easily be a, harmless, “skin tag”. Have you tried to take a look at the “situation”? If you go down this route I would, most certainly, recommend the “double mirror” technique. It will provide the best view without all that, unpleasant, bending.

After you’ve gotten a good look at the thing you could then give your GP a call and describe what you saw. Maybe even take a photo that you could email on, should they require a “visual”.

Wouldn’t be looking into “attacking” it with any of those liquid wart removers, or the “freeze off” ones. In fact, you could ask your GP about the option of using something like dental floss, or fishing line, to tie around the base of the thing. This should cut off all blood supply and after a few days, maybe a week, you could just “flick” it off.

Might need the help of your partner, or trusted friend, to get a good tight knot around it though. Best of luck and stay safe.

perrito caliente

Thanks Emmet. Great advice and a few things I hadn't considered. No pain with this little bugger, but you can feel him clipping off the body of the turd as it shoots out. It's long enough that I can grab a hold of him between my thumb and index finger, but if I pull too hard my anus starts to pulse a little painfully, so I'm not sure could there be an infection. I was fingering around in there again a few minutes ago, and I can definitely feel it if I cross my legs, but I'm trying not to "go at it", as you might say.

And yes, it was one of those white 'freezing' ointments I was thinking about. You just paint a little white layer over the head of the wart, and it supposedly falls off.

Bobblehats

It’s compound W you’re thinking of. Instructions say apply liberally, but not too much where you’ve coated the entire area. Should do you right

Fireball81

One upside to COVID-19, the nations toilets get a break from what normally would be a very busy period- especially Temple Bar.

People who only drink Guinness on 17 March can kill with the noxious fumes (start of the 6 Nations is another dangerous time).

EmmetSpiceland

perrito caliente wrote: »

Thanks Emmet. Great advice and a few things I hadn't considered. No pain with this little bugger, but you can feel him clipping off the body of the turd as it shoots out. It's long enough that I can grab a hold of him between my thumb and index finger, but if I pull too hard my anus starts to pulse a little painfully, so I'm not sure could there be an infection. I was fingering around in there again a few minutes ago, and I can definitely feel it if I cross my legs, but I'm trying not to "go at it", as you might say.

And yes, it was one of those white 'freezing' ointments I was thinking about. You just paint a little white layer over the head of the wart, and it supposedly falls off.

Jeez, P, not sure I’d be putting on anything that might burn, irritate, blister, irritate or, generally, malign the “affected” area.

It’s one thing to use it on your finger but I would be, massively, averse to putting that anywhere near my hole.

Have you used this sort of “thing” before? I have, not near my ass, or genitals, for that matter. I’ll tell you, it’ll do the job but not before a lot of pain on your part, in this case your arse.

Obviously, on the ads, and on the box, it’s all a simply case of “application” and waiting but in reality there’s reapplication and pain.

At least consult with the pharmacist before you go “full steam” ahead with this. Maybe show them the photo and see what they say?

Sober Crappy Chemis

Damn, I miss the simpler times of arsing around in this type of thread

Nevin Parsnipp

After Leo's address I had to dash for the can an spool out a thin ropey line of foul smelling midden.

Nothing to do withthe address... which was excellent.....but the bag of Bombay Mix I had ingested previous was beginning to backfire.

Left a right sour mess.. so I did.......

recyclebin

How safe are the work toilets in a time like these? Can it be transferred from arse cheek to arse cheek using the toilet seat?

YFlyer

recyclebin wrote: »

How safe are the work toilets in a time like these? Can it be transferred from arse cheek to arse cheek using the toilet seat?

Hover over the bowl.

Slideways

I’m surprised and a little dismayed at the lack of communication in this thread during these trying times.

I’ve been a big fan of the scrunch method for wiping me hole. Alas, the the shït ticket situation being at a dangerous level here and mouth breathers wiping out the stock in shops I’ve had to return to the fold method once again.
It’s akin to going back driving a Ford Orion after you have been zooming around in a beemer for the last 7 months

Brendan Bendar

YFlyer wrote: »

Hover over the bowl.

Yes..fire from ‘the shotgun’ about 50degree angle, take note of the ‘power thrust‘ and expected mixture, too rich would be a problem and power should be carefully managed.

Keep all moveable surfaces well clear, eg trouser belts, waist bands, shirt tails.

So to summarize the procedure in these difficult times

1.Establish firmly and stably in the ‘ approach’ taking note of the landing area.

2. Have clear expectation of the consistency of the ‘payload ‘ expected, and manage the power to discharge safely.

3. Ensure all moveable surfaces clear and ‘stowed’.

4. Spool up the power evenly and solidly and there should be little problem.


N B.... Important to have ‘emergency procedures’ prepared in the event of ‘overshoot or severe landing area excursion’ which should be ..Quick wipe, secure all moving surfaces and get the fcuk out of trap and area as fast as possible.

Ush1

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Yes..fire from ‘the shotgun’ about 50degree angle, take note of the ‘power thrust‘ and expected mixture, too rich would be a problem and power should be carefully managed.

Keep all moveable surfaces well clear, eg trouser belts, waist bands, shirt tails.

So to summarize the procedure in these difficult times

1.Establish firmly and stably in the ‘ approach’ taking note of the landing area.

2. Have clear expectation of the consistency of the ‘payload ‘ expected, and manage the power to discharge safely.

3. Ensure all moveable surfaces clear and ‘stowed’.

4. Spool up the power evenly and solidly and there should be little problem.


N B.... Important to have ‘emergency procedures’ prepared in the event of ‘overshoot or severe landing area excursion’ which should be ..Quick wipe, secure all moving surfaces and get the fcuk out of trap and area as fast as possible.

Good advice. Extra detail to "fruitbowl" the meat and two veg. Build up of pressure can cause p*ss to gush out and soak your Penneys slacks.

EmmetSpiceland

Just how is everyone holding up during this “trying” time? I don’t think I’ve stayed in this long in my adult life. And it’s having an “effect”.

Now, I saw the panic buying coming a mile off. I’d been getting a few extra things, non-perishables, before the schools closed. Once I got “wind” they were going to close I got a few more bits in.

It’s been, what, 6 days? I’ve mostly been getting by on things like mugshots, cuppa soup, “instant” noodles, both pot and brick, and the odd freezer pizza. Probably leaning too heavily into the noodle supply.

And it shows. Hitting the jacks every second day now. Before it was twice, once in the morning and then that late night “bane” I couldn’t seem to shake. Well it’s shook now.

Every second day and it is not pleasant. No real smell, which is good, but everything else is unsettling. Heavy “loads” of thick, gloopy, muck getting squeezed out. Slow progress. Dark beige in colour, with a consistency of melted taffy.

As you can imagine, the clean up has been tough. With the paper “uncertainty” I’ve been trying to conserve. This mess isn’t helping as it tends to “spread” on exit. Once out it clings to, and “mats” the hair.

I’ve stated previously how I don’t hold with the “scrunch” wiping technique and that I am a, strict, “folder” but now I’m forced to fold, re-fold, re-fold again and, sometimes, even re-fold once more. It’s not a very pleasant experience.

I guess I could start looking into opening some of the “tinned” foods, maybe something like tomatoes? Just to add some colour, like. I’ve loads of pineapple too, would be hesitant to “over-indulge” in them since the “incident” with the pears.

Will let you know how it goes. Hope you’re all faring well out there.

JohnnyFlash

We need to talk about women and toilet roll. How in the name of sweet suffering Jesus do they use so much on a visit to the boombox? Could end up having to employ one of the scenarios below.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

We need to talk about women and toilet roll. How in the name of sweet suffering Jesus do they use so much on a visit to the boombox?

Probably down to “surface area”, J. They’d have a lot more of it than us. I mean, they’re basically working with “inverted” parabola.

An unknown philosopher once asked ‘where does the gash end and the arse begin?’.

You’d have to imagine they’re probably more thorough, and thoughtful, than we are. They’d be more concerned with a “proper” good clean than just the “3 and out” rule most lads would employ.

It would all come down to variables.

Bobblehats

Made a lodging this morning. Damn hogie wouldn’t flush and I still haven’t tackled it. Not after breakfast I thought, so the plan is at lunch ~ didn’t bother trying dress it up that’d just be an insult

Left a wad on the outer widow sill. Hope nobody finds it....

gerrybbadd

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Yes..fire from ‘the shotgun’ about 50degree angle, take note of the ‘power thrust‘ and expected mixture, too rich would be a problem and power should be carefully managed.

Keep all moveable surfaces well clear, eg trouser belts, waist bands, shirt tails.

So to summarize the procedure in these difficult times

1.Establish firmly and stably in the ‘ approach’ taking note of the landing area.

2. Have clear expectation of the consistency of the ‘payload ‘ expected, and manage the power to discharge safely.

3. Ensure all moveable surfaces clear and ‘stowed’.

4. Spool up the power evenly and solidly and there should be little problem.


N B.... Important to have ‘emergency procedures’ prepared in the event of ‘overshoot or severe landing area excursion’ which should be ..Quick wipe, secure all moving surfaces and get the fcuk out of trap and area as fast as possible.

I'm not certain on this advice B. What if one was to deploy a high speed "Depth Charge" - wouldn't there be potential for some serious splashback? All the worse then if you get a combo delivery of first liquid, followed up by something of a more solid & dense makeup. The cheeks and Biffin's Bridge would need a good sanitising after wiping down.

Brendan Bendar

Ush1 wrote: »

Good advice. Extra detail to "fruitbowl" the meat and two veg. Build up of pressure can cause p*ss to gush out and soak your Penneys slacks.

Excellent advice...would this new word ‘cocoon’ be topical for that procedure as you are perfectly correct, have had a few ’gushers ’in operating that procedure.

Another detail would be if discharging a rather tough girthy bolus from the ‘shotgun’ ,be careful of changing the ‘angle of attack’ too quick as it could inadvertently nip the cigar with messy consequences.

Many is the round that ‘went in off the crossbar’ off the waist band luckily into the pan.

Thanks for the warning to folk out there.

Fireball81

Had a messy dump this morning, doing my bit to conserve toilet paper so jumped in the shower and hosed my ring piece down - a lot easier than multiple wipes I must say.

padd b1975

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

An unknown philosopher once asked ‘where does the gash end and the arse begin?’.

It's different for every woman.

In fact the surface area of "no man's land" has been discreetly used by forensic pathologists for centuries to identify a badly decomposed body when dental records etc are unavailable.

You would be laughing if you had a bidet or one of those Japanese Toto toilets in your gaff in these days of toilet paper shortages. Builders/property developers /landlords should take note I think.

NeinNeinNein

Fireball81 wrote: »

Had a messy dump this morning, doing my bit to conserve toilet paper so jumped in the shower and hosed my ring piece down - a lot easier than multiple wipes I must say.

Did you just use water or did you go all out and apply a squirt of Timotei?

Fireball81

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Did you just use water or did you go all out and apply a squirt of Timotei?

Just water, used some fancy stuff from herself to wash my hands afterwards lol

mfceiling

https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1240615258345046017?s=19

Poor fecker.

Bullocks

mfceiling wrote: »

https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1240615258345046017?s=19

Poor fecker.

Hairy fecker I bet.
I must count how many passes it takes myself on average. Its deffo more than 3 but way less than 30.
Did anything get done about them cubicles you were not happy with or is it a case of "sure I won't smell it from my house" now!

Cartman78

Leo's speech the other night covered most of the important aspects of the current sh1tshow but there was one glaring omission.

Luckily the Dutch Prime Minister is more thorough...

"The prime minister in the Netherlands has offered reassurances amid the global coronavirus outbreak: telling citizens there is no shortage of toilet paper.

"Yes, I have enough," Mark Rutte told a shopper in an informal exchange while visiting a supermarket to show support for workers. "They have it again."

"But there's enough in the whole country for the coming ten years," he said. "We can all poop for ten years."

10 years of guaranteed pooping....possibly the best political campaign slogan ever published, blatantly ignoring the green wave and going straight for the brown vote

mfceiling

Bullocks wrote: »

Hairy fecker I bet.
I must count how many passes it takes myself on average. Its deffo more than 3 but way less than 30.
Did anything get done about them cubicles you were not happy with or is it a case of "sure I won't smell it from my house" now!

Usual cost cutting exercise. Voiced my disapproval right up to the end but nobody paid any heed. Disappointed for the poor sods who go in to bale every day and have little to no privacy.
Bad form.

Nevin Parsnipp

Think we all gettin a bit stressed about this virus situation.?

Blew out a thick plugg of acrid sh1te this morn on arrival to work...took the "S" like a sniper bullet and dissapeared without need to flush....very strange occurrence for this poster as my usual effort is a mid morn blunderbus of loose scree requiring several flushes and the use of the lavatory brush where available .

All this bad noos I guess....