The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg off.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him thank you, thank you for saving my life.

I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it.

The guy thinks for a minute and says, Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?

Capt'n Midnight

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminium Man.


My superpower would be foiling crime.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub.

She calls the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

Are you the Manager she asks? softly stroking his face now with both hands.

Actually, no he replies.

Can you get him for me I need to speak to him? she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair.

I'm afraid I can't breathe the barman replied, clearly aroused.

Is there anything I can do he asks?

Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues to seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

She slowly continues.

Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

byrner88

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

IITYWYBMAD

A reporter is walking through a park in Manchester, when he sees a dog running towards 2 young boys. The dog is barking and snarling, and makes a jump for one of the lads, catching him on his arm and locking his teeth in place. The lads friend turns around, grabs a branch and manages to slip it inside the dogs collar. A bit of twisting and turning and the dogs neck breaks, releasing the animals grip on the child's arm.

The reporter runs over to them, and tells the young lad it's one of the bravest things he's ever seen. He asks the lad if he could write a few words to reflect the situation, and pulls out a pen and paper.

He begins to write "A young Manchester City fan today saved his young friend from the clutches of a wild animal..." The young lad stops him, and says "I don't support Man City.."

The reporter begins again "A young Manchester Utd fan today saved his young friend from the clutches of a wild animal..." The young lad stops him, and says "I don't support Man Utd either.." Who do you support? asks the reporter. Liverpool, says the young lad.

The reporter begins again "A scouse bast*rd today killed a treasured family pet..."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

Doc,he said, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody is under it.

I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.

Top, under, top, under the man said.

You gotta help me, I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for two years, said the shrink.

Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

How much do you charge?

A hundred dollars per visit.

I'll sleep on it, said the man.

Six months later the psychiatrist met the man on the street.

Why didn't you ever come to see me again he asked?

For a hundred buck's a visit?

A bartender cured me for ten dollars.

Is that so how asked the psychiatrist?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.

Try_harder

True or false?

Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?

frag420

Try_harder wrote: »

True or false?

Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?

True or false?

You must Try harder?

Try_harder

frag420 wrote: »

True or false?

You must Try harder?

Reeves and Mortimer. Kerry Cat-Owner - I chuckled

pleas advice

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TIME-TRAVELER WITH A DOG?

Emmersonn

pleas advice wrote: »

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TIME-TRAVELER WITH A DOG?

Spot


Time Traveling Dog ? - YouTube

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A guy goes to a night club the bouncer stops him and says to him no tie, no entry.

He walks back to his car to find a tie.

As he's rummaging around were he comes accross a pair of jump leads.

So he puts them around his neck like a tie.

He goes back and says to the bouncer and asks will this do?

I'll let you in says the bouncer but don't start anything.

Capt'n Midnight

Happy Christmas everyone \o/

Capt'n Midnight

pleas advice wrote: »

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TIME-TRAVELER WITH A DOG?

Who would have a K-9 ?

M.T. Cranium

I don't know what you call them, but they travel at arf the speed of light.

Perhaps "sir" would be a wise choice?

M.T. Cranium

What do you call a time traveller with an owl?

Doctor Hoot.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mexican magician was doing a magic trick.

He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mexican magician was doing a magic trick.

He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds.

Everyone could tell we were nuts.

Hagar7

A boy asks his dad where does poo come from, his dad replies 'well son,food is passed down the oesophagus by persistalsis,it then enters the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal.
This in turn extracts the protein before waste products enter the colon.
Water is absorbed before it enters the rectrum to emerge as poo.'

'Blimey dad,well where does Tigger come from then?'

Capt'n Midnight

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan.


What do you call a Mexican who's had his vehicle stolen?

Carlos.

Carry

Donald Trump enters a room and heads straight to the counter.

"A burger with fries and a cola light", he says to the woman behind the counter.

She shakes her head and says: "Sorry, Mr President, but this a library."

Trump hesitates and mutters after a minute: "Yeah, I understand, sorry about that."

Then he leans into the woman and whispers: "A burger with fries and a cola light."

Carry

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump: "Sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

byrner88

I bought my Mrs a new coat the other day.

I said ''here love try this on''.

She says ''its perfect''.

I reply ''oh look your knickers are coming down'.

She looks down and says ''No they're not''.

I said ''Well the ****ing coats going back then''.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

She asks her mother, where do babies come from

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his pe*is in to mommy's vag*na.

That's how you get a baby, honey.

The daughter seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's pen*s in your mouth.

What do you get when you do that asks the daughter?

Her mother replies Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Hagar7

I just sold my homing pigeon on EBAY for the 35th time in 2 weeks,I'm making a fortune so I am.

SimonTemplar

A guy went to prison. During his first night, he heard people shouting different numbers, and after each one, the whole place burst into laughter.

He asked his cellmate what was happening. He said that everyone has heard every joke so many times at this stage that they've assigned a number to each joke as a shorthand. He encouraged the new guy to try it out.

So the new guy shouted "23" but there was complete silence. He asked his cellmate what went wrong, and his cellmate replied "ah you didn't tell it right".

M.T. Cranium

What happened to the guy who shouted out 69?

Think I can guess.

Ipso

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan.


What do you call a Mexican who's had his vehicle stolen?

Carlos.

What sou you call a Mexican male stripper?
Senor Willy

pleas advice

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

What happened to the guy who shouted out 69? ...

(why is it so hard to find a good tumbleweed gif?)

pleas advice

i went searching for a punchline and found a joke so bad i had to post it instead...


Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.