I've just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon though I expect it'll come back to bite me.
I got a universal remote control, and I thought to myself "This changes everything."
How do you find out how heavy a chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weight now.
I’ve just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman.
He was wearing a cat flap.
If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.
Why doesn't Ray Charles see his friends?
Because he is married.
And the best car of 2021 as voted for by readers of Woman magazine is...
A blue one.
I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent.
I went onto the library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
The librarian leaned forward and whispered, "they're behind you."
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's abba-riginal!
I've deleted all my German contacts from my mobile phone.
Its now Hans free.
now back to jokes.....
a man comes home and gives his wife a bunch of flowers
and the wife says- 'oh i suppose i'll have to spread my legs for these?'
and the man says says - 'why? have you not got a vase?'
2 tickets booked for Oct 29. Belfast. 😀
He has been going a good while now.
One of the better uk comedians that you'd see on Dave etc.
This popped up on my phone. I've never heard of him, but a good giggle
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DS1HO6wMGJL8&ved=2ahUKEwje5pu755_2AhUMfMAKHcH7AdsQwqsBegQIAxAE&usg=AOvVaw3wR1LHBQFL63IS9up8WzX4
I phoned the wife and said,"I've got something to tell you,but it's hard to say."
She said nervously,"Go on."
I said."Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."
The wi-if was down at home, so I had to talk to the missus.
Can't believe she's not working for Xtravision anymore.
It's been months since I bought the book
"how to scam people online."
It still hasn't arrived yet.
I had a job working for the Samaritans once. I tried to call in sick but they talked me out of it.
Hear about the one legged girl who got a job in a brewery?
She was put in charge of the hops.
What's the first rule of Rick Astley's Fight Club?
You know the rules and so do I
(Sing in a Rick Astley voice for best effect)
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know,
but Edward Woodward would.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7 ? Because 6 7 8.
She asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
My girlfriend left me when she discovered my Pasta fetish,
So i'm feeling Cannelloni now.
What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?
A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars
What colour socks do bears wear?
- They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet
What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?
Ham'ed.
What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?
Mo' ham'ed
What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?
Mo' ham'ed alley!
Burglars have broken into Everton FC's new trophy room and stolen the entire contents.
Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.
