I sent my hearing aid in for repair three weeks ago.
I haven't heard anything since.
Congratulations to
Hugh Zappritti Boyden,on his new role as chairman of the Irish budgerigar association.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
Thought I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre today.
Although I'm not entirely sure it was him - he had his back to the fuscia.
Just got back from a charity football match for stroke victims. Never seen such a one sided match.
What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?
Russell.
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head?
Beatrix
What do you call a Chinese man with a fence on his head?
Ray Ling.
Burglars have broken into Everton FC's new trophy room and stolen the entire contents.
Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.
What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?
Ham'ed.
What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?
Mo' ham'ed
What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?
Mo' ham'ed alley!
What colour socks do bears wear?
- They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet
What's the difference between a carpenter & a joiner?
A joiner works with wood, a carpenter paints cars
My girlfriend left me when she discovered my Pasta fetish,
So i'm feeling Cannelloni now.
She asked me if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7 ? Because 6 7 8.
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know,
but Edward Woodward would.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
What's the first rule of Rick Astley's Fight Club?
You know the rules and so do I
(Sing in a Rick Astley voice for best effect)
Hear about the one legged girl who got a job in a brewery?
She was put in charge of the hops.
I had a job working for the Samaritans once. I tried to call in sick but they talked me out of it.
It's been months since I bought the book
"how to scam people online."
It still hasn't arrived yet.
The wi-if was down at home, so I had to talk to the missus.
Can't believe she's not working for Xtravision anymore.
I phoned the wife and said,"I've got something to tell you,but it's hard to say."
She said nervously,"Go on."
I said."Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."
This popped up on my phone. I've never heard of him, but a good giggle
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DS1HO6wMGJL8&ved=2ahUKEwje5pu755_2AhUMfMAKHcH7AdsQwqsBegQIAxAE&usg=AOvVaw3wR1LHBQFL63IS9up8WzX4
He has been going a good while now.
One of the better uk comedians that you'd see on Dave etc.
2 tickets booked for Oct 29. Belfast. 😀
now back to jokes.....
a man comes home and gives his wife a bunch of flowers
and the wife says- 'oh i suppose i'll have to spread my legs for these?'
and the man says says - 'why? have you not got a vase?'
I've deleted all my German contacts from my mobile phone.
Its now Hans free.
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's abba-riginal!
I went onto the library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
The librarian leaned forward and whispered, "they're behind you."
