The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight

Experience what 10 years of marriage feels like by telling a deaf person about your day as they scroll through facebook on their phone.

everlast75

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea, one called Justin, the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed-up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large and mysterious cod appeared and said "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
Justin set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gates
memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's
me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!" Christian
replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy, and
I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back " No, I'm
not.That was the old me. I've changed, I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again
Christian."

fryup

for the week that's in it....

Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint

---

Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled Paddy says
“Why would i be needin two empty glasses?”

---

Mary says to Paddy if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”

“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.

“What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.

“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

Suckit

Keith Richards once got a tortoise for his birthday:
He asked. "How old will it get."
They told him. "About 300 years."
He said. "Now you see why I'm against it, you get attached to such an animal and then it dies."

fryup

for the week that's in it...

*this is a long one mind but worth it...

Paddy had a aptitude test for a major blue chip computer company.

The examiner took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of Paddy.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while Paddy took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the examiner .

The examiner looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said Paddy with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

The examiner handed the paper back to Paddy and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while Paddy scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The examiner looked at the drawings and said “But that is not ninety-nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said Paddy, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The examiner was now losing his patience so he decided to give Paddy one more chance, he handed the paper back to Paddy and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time Paddy suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the examiner.

The examiner looked at the drawings and said angrily “But that is not 100!!”

“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said Paddy with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100 :P

fryup

***NEWSFLASH***

The Irish Secret Service were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take "Vladimir Putin out"

So far…. news reports say …… he’s been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!

rizzodun

Irishman, Englishman & Scotsman are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "As there's three of you, I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity, England only for the English."
Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Double the height, and fill it up with water."

M.T. Cranium

I was going to the Procrastination Seminar, but I thought, "this can wait."

So I thought about going to the Pessimism Seminar, but I thought, "what's the use? they can't help me."

Finally, I considered the Obsessive Compulsive Seminar, but they always used to have that on Fridays, and I can't handle the change to Mondays.

fryup

for the day that's in it....

Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel urinal, still deep in conversation.

But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.

“I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark.

“Wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said.

“I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.”

Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin.

It was a good six months later before he ran intoMick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

“You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only” said Paddy.

Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.

Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.

Once more they lined up at the stainless steel urinal and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?”

“No wonder you got it at half price,” Mick laughed. “Sure that’s my old one!”:p

patmac

Paddy walks into a doctor and drops his trousers, exposing his extremely large penis and asks:’can you give me something for this?’ .
The doctor beckons him over to the window and says ‘do you see that silver Mercedes over there?, ‘yes’ says Paddy,
‘I will give you that for it’ says the doctor.

Capt'n Midnight

Polish Countdown:

"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."

Suckit

^^^^^

I spent far too long looking at that before realising it's the gameshow..

fryup

i don't get it?

The TV gameshow Countdown, make a word by choosing random letters.
The joke is that Polish has few vowels.

I hired a handyman to do some work for me, I gave him a list and when I got home I found that he had done only items 1,3,5 on the list.

He was an odd job man!

fryup

for the week that's in it....

Paddy lost his eye in an accident and couldn’t afford the price of a glass eye.

So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Mick came over and forced him to go out.

“There’s a dance over at the club,” he said.
“So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?”
“All right,” said Paddy, “but if anybody makes fun of my eye I’m leaving.”

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage.

And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

“She’s worse off than me,” Paddy thought. “The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl.

Would you care to dance? he asked.

Would I?!” she exclaimed.

“why you hunchback bitch!” Paddy retorted

Capt'n Midnight

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i's

CYCLOPS [​puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn't it

Suckit

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

With the rise in covid cases

Germans have taken to putting their towels on hospiteal beds

joeguevara

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Polish Countdown:

"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."
"Consonant please."

Was watching Rachel reilly on countdown the other night and got aroused. Happy enough with seven letters.

fryup

for the week that's in it....

the usual pair Paddy & Mick are looking through a catalogue

Paddy says:

Begob! would you look at the women in this they're gorgeous and their prices are reasonable to!

Mick agrees with Paddy and says

"Right i’m ordering one right now!"

A few weeks later Paddy says to Mick

"Has your woman showed up yet?"

“No” says Mick

"But it shouldn’t be long now her clothes arrived yesterday"

M.T. Cranium

Deleted User wrote: »

I hired a handyman to do some work for me, I gave him a list and when I got home I found that he had done only items 1,3,5 on the list.

He was an odd job man!

Did you get even yet?

M.T. Cranium

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Did you get even yet?

Maybe in a couple of days.

everlast75

Michael returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, he went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, he was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Michael, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen here Michael, I'm not being awkward... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

fryup

for the week that's in it...

our friend Paddy walked into a doctor’s office with two burnt ears.

The doctor asked him

What happened to your ears?

Paddy replied:

"I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear"

Still not satisfied, the doctor asked

Well, what happened to the other ear?

"The feker called again!!"

silliussoddius

Apparently a film was made about constipation, it just hasn't come out yet.

Suckit

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting off from the women's tee.
The ladies were not rushing and definitely were taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. She then whacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it ahead another few feet.
She looked back at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those fuking lessons I took over the winter really didn't help."
One of the men responded, "Well, there you have it. You should probably have taken golf lessons instead!"

RobMc59

My wife asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I'm not supposed to pick two of them..

everlast75

My wife just texted me “Lasagne at 6 o’clock” so I immediately looked behind me.

coolhull

Guy walking on a beach in Clifden
(on the far west coast of Ireland) when he kicks a bottle, he bends down and picks it up and brushes some of the dirt off so he could read the label, when suddenly a genie comes out of the bottle, "thank you for releasing me” said the genie “I'll grant you one wish" the guy thinks for a minute and says
"I've always wanted to visit my family in Boston in America but as I'm scared of flying and get Terrible seasickness what's the chance of building a bridge from Clifden to Boston?"
The Genie scratches his head and says "You're not asking much are you, it's 3,000 miles across the Atlantic isn't there something easier you could ask for?"
The guy thinks for a moment then says " well I'm a 44yr old bachelor and I've never been out with a woman in my life because I don't understand them, could my wish be that I could understand women?"
The genie said
"would you like lights on the bridge?