The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

everlast75

I adopted a dog off the local blacksmith..
Only thing was..

As soon as i brought it home it made a bolt for the back door..

everlast75

Scientists have grown vocal chords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

waynescales1

How do undertakers like to relax after a long day's work?













They go out for a few biers.

Feisar

Man goes into the doctor and says his arse is sore. Doctor asks him exactly. Yer man says around the entrance. Doc retorts, well if you keep calling it the entrance it's going to be sore!

iamstop

I've been breeding racing geese for a while now.

Lemme know if you wanna take a quick gander.

blade1

waynescales1 wrote: »

How do undertakers like to relax after a long day's work?













They go out for a few biers.

I thought it was going to be .... they have a few stiff ones.

whiskeyman

waynescales1 wrote: »

How do undertakers like to relax after a long day's work?



They go out for a few biers.

They never drink too much though in case in affects their next days work.




They can't afford to lose the plot.

whiskeyman

whiskeyman wrote: »

They never drink too much though in case in affects their next days work.




They can't afford to lose the plot.

There would be grave consequences if they did that!

tayto lover

Deleted User wrote: »

There would be grave consequences if they did that!

And stiff fines.

M.T. Cranium

everlast75 wrote: »

I adopted a dog off the local blacksmith..
Only thing was..

As soon as i brought it home it made a bolt for the back door..

That's nuts. :pac:

FrancieBrady

everlast75 wrote: »

I adopted a dog off the local blacksmith..
Only thing was..

As soon as i brought it home it made a bolt for the back door..

You're lucky, I had one of those too and it made a spring for my b*lls.

fryup

Here's an oldie....

Paddy Irishman was once asked what he thought of the Renault 5

..."i think they're innocent as well" was his reply

RobMc59

I never realised Mugabee was from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards...

fryup

Here's two courtesy of Junior Soprano....

A man comes home and gives his wife a bunch of flowers

the wife says "i suppose i'll have to spread my legs for this?"

the man says "why have you not got a vase?"

---

What did the blindman say when he passed the fish stall at his local market??

"good morning ladies"

Capt'n Midnight

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

fryup

^^^^^^^^^^^^

wah?

upupup

11 sodium atoms,Hey Jude.

MY BAD

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^

wah?

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!

q2ice

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^

wah?

Na is the chemical symbol for Sodium

RobMc59

One gold atom get off my cloud

everlast75

Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?

A: None

M.T. Cranium

Potassium had a brief relationship with Uranium, but walked out, saying, "It's nothing but U, U, U all the time, I can't take it. I'm moving in with Oxygen, he's easy to bond with."

Uranium watched them leave and said, "That's 0 K."

whiskeyman

M.T. Cranium wrote: »

Potassium had a brief relationship with Uranium, but walked out, saying, "It's nothing but U, U, U all the time, I can't take it. I'm moving in with Oxygen, he's easy to bond with."

Uranium watched them leave and said, "That's 0 K."

You're really in your element!

FrancieBrady

whiskeyman wrote: »

You're really in your element!

Periodically he is.

RobMc59

Just had a garda knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

Capt'n Midnight

Most of the attractive, single women I meet are divorced.

From reality.

Capt'n Midnight

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again."

"No thanks," I replied, "I'm full."

everlast75

I have a box set of 90s US sitcom videos in my wardrobe and a stack of music magazines under my bed. My dad always told me..


'Keep your Friends close; keep your NMEs closer'

Capt'n Midnight

I've lost loads of weight just by wearing bread on my head.




It's a loaf hat diet.

Capt'n Midnight

Before proposing to my girlfriend, I asked her dad for permission.

"Sir, I want to marry your daughter."

"Can you support a family?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. There's nine of us."