The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Hagar7

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! ! Dead Penguins - I never knew this.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: scroll down "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, . I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! Oh quit whining I fell for it, too

"This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The teller kindly handed £3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill."

everlast75

DID YOU KNOW...

David Bowie bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas.

Not any old pom pom, though -

A proper pom pom.

Heighway61

The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella, but hesitated.

Heighway61

I have two boys, 5 & 6. I'm terrible with names.

TheBody

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.

waynescales1

Heighway61 wrote: »

I have two boys, 5 & 6. I'm terrible with names.

Capt'n Midnight

My wife’s recently left me because of my overbearing insecurity issues.


No, wait!




She’s back.





She just went to the kitchen to get a cup of tea.

New Home

She might go out to buy cigarettes, soon. But don't worry...

castletownman

My neighbour told me I am a bit of a looker.

Well "peeping Tom" was the actual phrase she used, but I know what she meant.

Allinall

Deleted User wrote: »

"This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The teller kindly handed £3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill."

I was at an ATM the other night, and a little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Witchie

Did you hear about the kinky woodworm?

He ate the drawers of the dresser.

M.T. Cranium

I went to the Bill Gates mansion and broke all the windows.

How does that make you feel, big guy?

everlast75

It is the anniversary of the death of the creator of "the Heimlich maneuver", Henry Heimlich.

Sorry to bring it up, but it's what he would have wanted..

Hagar7

donegaLroad wrote: »

Irish man decides to visit Romania, and on his first evening there he meets a nice looking girl in the local. After a couple of hours and a few drinks, he asks her does she want to spend the night with him in his hotel room for €200.

She agrees and goes back to the hotel, they do the business and he gives her €200.

They agree to meet again the following night at the bar, and the same arrangement, back to the hotel and stay the night with him for €200.

And again, they meet on the 3rd night, back to the hotel, have a bit of a ride, €200.

As they are lying there in the bed, she asks him where in Ireland he is from, to which he replies Donegal..

'oh..' she says 'thats funny, I have a sister living there..'

'I know..' he said 'before I came over she gave me €600 and asked me to give it to you'

What a stupid idiot,if he used his loaf he should have offered her a Euro,600 rides,superb,

frag420

Hagar7 wrote: »

What a stupid idiot,if he used his loaf he should have offered her a Euro,600 rides,superb,

He’s from Donegal, not Cavan!!

tayto lover

frag420 wrote: »

He’s from Donegal, not Cavan!!

How was copper wire invented?

Two Cavan lads fighting over a penny.

( A Cavan lad told me that joke )

Capt'n Midnight

Microsoft have released a festive advent calendar this Christmas.

No chocolates. Just a load of updates every time you open windows.

RobMc59

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

upupup

RobMc59 wrote: »

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

It failed because he left his sister Dia drive it.

blade1

RobMc59 wrote: »

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

Time for him to really cash in and re-release his song "Road to Hell"

Capt'n Midnight

RobMc59 wrote: »

If you thought 2020 couldn't get any worse,

Chris Rea's car failed it's NCT..

In reality

https://twitter.com/mrnickharvey/status/1340339236558520320?s=19

Nodster

Nothing but repeats on RTE
Just watched Dublin win the All Ireland again

The Princess Bride

Yesterday I visited The National Helium museum.
Had a fantastic time, I really can't speak highly enough about the place.

RobMc59

I can't wait for tier 6 when they tell us we can't even look out of the window..

Capt'n Midnight

Only 371 more days til Christmas folks..

everlast75

The inventor of the snooze button has died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

I went to the paint shop to get thinner,


It didn't work!

Capt'n Midnight

My pet goldfish has epilepsy

He seems to get better when I put him back in his bowl, though.

joeguevara

Some stretch in the evenings lads.