When will Father Ted quotes die?

PistolsAtDawn

whisky_galore wrote: »

Dermot Morgan had done a Fr Trendy character years before (a parody of young priests, Fr Brian D'arcy in particular) so making fun of the church was not new.

By the 90's the cracks were definitely showing in the RCC.

Also the swallowing of one whole carton of crushed glass must be taken into account!!!

maudgonner

tommy_tucker wrote: »

Your getting two episodes mixed up there, dreamy sleepy nighty snoozy snooze was the over 75's soccer match. Toilet duck was the drink that brought on all the symptoms of death without actually being dead.

You're right Tommy, of course.

And do you know what I say to people who point out my Father Ted errors? I say: 'Feck Off, Cup!'

Dr Crayfish

syklops wrote: »

It was the first mainstream suggestion that the church was not actually as great as it was made out to be. If you were a 10 year old around 1995, and you got sent to mass every Sunday, and got 5 hours of religious eduction during the week in school, and you could never say anything bad about the Parish Priest, then Fr Ted was like a breath of fresh air. Thats why it is so highly revered.

I don't know, I was 15 in '95 and hadn't been to mass since my conformation. Our teachers tended to just ramble on about everything in Religion class, without ever talking about Jesus or the Bible. My parents/school weren't religious at all though, wasn't it like that in most of Dublin? Can't speak about the rest of Ireland, although I did meet a girl from Cavan recently who's mother goes on anti-abortion marches ffs.

GLaDOS

A sure-fire way of getting a thread full of Father Ted quotes is to say something even slightly negative about the show.

syklops

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I don't know, I was 15 in '95 and hadn't been to mass since my conformation. Our teachers tended to just ramble on about everything in Religion class, without ever talking about Jesus or the Bible. My parents/school weren't religious at all though, wasn't it like that in most of Dublin? Can't speak about the rest of Ireland, although I did meet a girl from Cavan recently who's mother goes on anti-abortion marches ffs.

By the time I was 15 Id stopped going to Mass too, but at 10 when Fr Ted came out it was the first act of religious rebellion people my age could engage in. That was my point.

The Backwards Man

It's really really stupid

I didn't get where I am today by quoting old sitcoms

Flippyfloppy

The Backwards Man wrote: »

It's really really stupid

I didn't get where I am today by quoting old sitcoms

Ah go wan...I put cocaine in them!

Billy86

The only one that winds me up is people slapping "Ted" at the end of a sentence to try and make it funny, when the sentence isn't even remotely funny. It's kind of Ireland's answer to confusing a 'wacky' t-shirt for a personality.

maudgonner

Billy86 wrote: »

The only one that winds me up is people slapping "Ted" at the end of a sentence to try and make it funny, when the sentence isn't even remotely funny. It's kind of Ireland's answer to confusing a 'wacky' t-shirt for a personality, Ted.

Come on, you were asking for that :pac:

Arghus

"The explosion blew a lump out of his head in the shape of Connaught."

Or

"And when the beast yawns he sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a bunch of hens around the bottom of a barrel."

Or even still

"There was something about me having to pay more if his image was ever used on stamps...and you have to say great sense of humour... oh little sheep face...."

I'm totally a okay with people loving, quoting and savouring Father Ted for a long, long time yet.

Arghus

Mrs. Doyle: Do you like pheasant?
Ted: Pheasant! I love pheasant!!
Mrs. Doyle: Good... because the thing you'll be eating loves pheasant too.

B.A._Baracus

Crazy to think the show is that old at this point.
Only my two cents but give it ten years and the next generation will be saying father Ted who?

eamonnq

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Crazy to think the show is that old at this point.
Only my two cents but give it ten years and the next generation will be saying father Ted who?

Crilly

B.A._Baracus

eamonnq wrote: »

Crilly

Ten years not ten minutes :pac:

Summer wind

Do you remember that fella that was so good at fashion that they had to shoot him?

LunarSea

Sam Kade wrote: »

I could never figure out the fascination with it, sure it was foolish and a laugh but it's well past its sell by date.

It absolutely ripped the Catholic church to shreds when they were still largely untouchable.

A lot of the stuff was a bit fantastical, but for a lot of Irish people it was also a bizarrely accurate portrayal of growing up in small town Catholic Ireland.

ahlookit

The Backwards Man wrote: »

I didn't get where I am today by quoting old sitcoms

Super!

Arghus

Summer wind wrote: »

Do you remember that fella that was so good at fashion that they had to shoot him?

We were just talking about America. Kurt Cobain, he was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. How'd he manage to survive that?

ahlookit

He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily ...... with sheep

Stojkovic

OP ya big dirty hairy Japanese Bastard !!!!

Stojkovic

OP ya big dirty hairy Japanese Bastard !!!!

TerrorFirmer

iDave wrote: »

If you ever say that to me again I'll put your head through the wall

I had opened this thread with some sympathy to the OP but once I read that reply I just burst out laughing, the context is just too perfect.

It's less about the quote and more about picking the right time it seems!

dodzy

Some right crackers here .................




Announcer on Televison: And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.



Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!



Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.



Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?



Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there



Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.



Dougal: Those women were in the nip!



Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks



Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?



Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?



Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.



Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.



Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!



Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?



Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!



Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!



Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!



Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!



Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!



Jack: I love my brick!



Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!



Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!



Jack: A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS!



Jack: I'm a happy camper!



Mrs. Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.



Mrs. Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.



Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!



Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!



Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!



Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!



Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...



Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'



Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!



Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.



Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.



Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink?



Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!



Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.



Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.



Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.



Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.



Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?



Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!



Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.



Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.



Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.



Mary: (to John) You've a face like a pair o' tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us!



Ted: What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.



Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!



Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?



Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?



Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.



Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....



Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !



John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.



Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.



Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.



Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!



Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father



Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!



Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.



Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.



Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops!
(pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.



Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.



Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.



Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)



Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...



Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)

whisky_galore

LunarSea wrote: »

It absolutely ripped the Catholic church to shreds when they were still largely untouchable.

A lot of the stuff was a bit fantastical, but for a lot of Irish people it was also a bizarrely accurate portrayal of growing up in small town Catholic Ireland.

It was only in the 1990's (when Ted hit our screens) that the RCC's dirty linen was hung out for all to see with hard-hitting news reports and documentaries.

A few satirical Ted quotes hint at the revelations going on at the time.

ahlookit

whisky_galore wrote: »

A few satirical Ted quotes hint at the revelations going on at the time.

and of course the very subtle video of the bishop on holidays with his mrs and the son.

whisky_galore

ahlookit wrote: »

and of course the very subtle video of the bishop on holidays with his mrs and the son.

Anyone around at the time will know who that alludes to...

ahlookit

whisky_galore wrote: »

Anyone around at the time will know who that alludes to...

I dont know who they were eamonn for with that video

ohnonotgmail

ahlookit wrote: »

I dont know who they were eamonn for with that video

well they had to be careful about what they alluded to in case he sued.

Arghus

"Here he is risen from the dead, like that fella... E.T."

Burst out laughing when I read that one. What a genius line.

Thanks to the thread I've become reacquainted with some absolute comedy gold from the show.

whisky_galore

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

well they had to be careful about what they alluded to in case he sued.

Cleary-ly...as long as no names were mentioned and it's not like either of them didn't do the nasty.