Is it okay for your partner to masturbate to porn to sleep?

The Corinthian

syklops wrote: »

They tick 9 out of ten possible boxes, the one they no longer tick is the bedroom department. So what do you do?

Don't get married too quickly would be one idea; difficult for mid to late thirtysomethings who have just met and are on an accelerated plan to tie the knot and fertilize one of the three remaining viable eggs left, but them's the risks.

Seriously though, one observation I'd make of the many "my husband/wife has no sex drive" threads I've seen here over the years is that a common claim that they thought that "things would get better after marriage", although they never really explain why they believed this to be a possibility.

So while such problems cannot be foreseen and only appear long after one is in a legally binding relationship, I suspect many can be and be addressed, were it not for our capacity for self deception and fear of addressing the topic of sex in relationships in the first place.

One eyed Jack

The Corinthian wrote: »

Well, let's just look at the situation described by the OP. Her partner masturbates not for reasons of fantasy fulfillment or pleasure, but to exploit some of the effects of the male refractory period to induce sleep. Pornography appears to be used as an aid to induce orgasm. The process is masturbation because he has no willing sex partner. That it occurs in front of her is because they sleep together and presumably go to bed together at the same time. Going to another room to masturbate before going to bed would likely defeat the purpose of encouraging sleep as the effects don't last very long.

Those are the facts we know. If this process disturbs or 'offends' her then the following possible options are open:

1. He goes to bed before her and masturbates / sleeps first.
2. They sleep in separate bedrooms.
3. He uses his 'imagination' rather than pornography.
4. She agrees to 'help' him every evening.
5. He stops and takes sleeping pills.

Options 1 and 2 are likely to disrupt the relationship. Option 3 may not be an option and ultimately how much better is it that he imagines other women and masturbates next to her? Option 4 is an unfair imposition on the OP and the final option is frankly grounds for a breakup; any partner who would rather you take drugs than be 'offended' is a partner best left. So overall, maybe a compromise position of some sort of mix of the third and forth options might be best.

My own feeling is that, to begin with, the OP's partner has a deeper issue if he needs to do this every night; either he has sleep issues that need medical investigation or in reality the problem is more to do with the two of them having sex drives that are incompatible - and if the latter, that's going to be a much bigger problem down the road.

And the OP also has some self image issues if it bothers her. I'd say the same of a man who feels uncomfortable with his partner looking at pictures of male porn actors. It doesn't lessen their discomfort, but it ultimately the issue is with their own self image and so people using terms like 'disrespectful' simply serves to rationalize and hide the root problem.

All entirely logical conclusions of course, but you're taking no account of the fact that no human being is entirely logical, hell even Vulcans weren't entirely logical, they suppressed their emotions, and they are an entirely fictional species.

There simply isn't enough context in the opening post to form any kind of conclusive analysis, let alone an analysis that's so completely devoid of any account that human beings are essentially driven by emotion more than they are logic, and emotions are entirely irrational by their very nature.

I think it's unfair to anyone to dismiss their concerns as simply that they're 'offended' by the person they love cracking one off beside them, whether they're using porn or not to achieve the end result, or to say that kind of behaviour isn't disrespectful straight out. The OP is bothered by it, and that can't simply be dismissed.

If the chap is just cracking one off to porn beside her and she's unwilling to say anything to him about it, then the issue there is poor communication in the relationship, and not simply that they are just sexually incompatible. There's a reason he can't sleep, and that's a more important concern IMO than what he does to get himself off to sleep. That's what's already causing issues in their relationship, and cracking one off in bed beside the OP to get off to sleep is a symptom of an underlying cause that the OP should actually be concerned with.


This is the real issue here -

yougoodthing wrote: »

My partner and I are together a good few years and enjoy a good sex life. However to get him to sleep at night he often turns on pornographic material or even just erotic/sexy pictures of girls posing to 'get him off'. I don't say anything about it as it doesn't really get to me until last night... Would be interested to hear views on this.

Poor communication. That needs to be sorted first, otheerwise her boyfriend is just gonna keep tugging the stones out of himself to porn, oblivious to the fact that his girlfriend actually does have a problem with it.

syklops

Medusa22 wrote: »

If you are happy with your sex life and he doesn't watch porn non-stop then I wouldn't worry OP but it is your relationship after all.

TBH I would worry. The boyfriend isnt fulfilled. That could be changed very easily by the OP. But she doesn't.

One eyed Jack

syklops wrote: »

TBH I would worry. The boyfriend isnt fulfilled. That could be changed very easily by the OP. But she doesn't.

There's nothing to suggest though that the boyfriend isn't fulfilled sexually, could be just a functional motivation as The Corinthian says to get to sleep and have no correlation with their sex life whatsoever?

Certainly cheaper than sleeping pills, but obviously costing something in terms of their relationship if the OP isn't willing to make her concerns known, and the boyfriend can hardly be blamed then either in that case if he isn't aware of the issues it's causing for his girlfriend.

The Corinthian

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I think it's unfair to anyone to dismiss their concerns as simply that they're 'offended' by the person they love cracking one off beside them, whether they're using porn or not to achieve the end result, or to say that kind of behaviour isn't disrespectful straight out. The OP is bothered by it, and that can't simply be dismissed.

I think you misunderstood; I didn't dismiss it, I went further and said it was likely a harmful reaction, and those who validate it are the ones who cause even greater harm as they effectively dismiss the need to examine why they are 'offended'.

If someone is 'offended', that does not mean they have valid reason to be so, regardless of whatever the prevailing PC fashion this week is. There are reasons for why and sometimes those reasons are what form the core problem and not the 'offence' itself. Validating blindly the taking offence alone as legitimate is an excellent way to avoid ever examining what the problem may be, and thus the most harmful action of all.

There's a reason he can't sleep, and that's a more important concern IMO than what he does to get himself off to sleep.

I did suggest that, you know. I was quite clear that there were various possibilities. Hardly my fault other posters latched onto only one of them.

Poor communication.

Like duh. Name a single relationship issue where poor communication isn't one of the core reasons. Although, encouraging the OP not to examine why she feels offended (in fairness I don't think she actually ever used the term) is probably a a pretty daft way to deal with the issue.

Mr Freeze

MrVestek wrote: »

Also hearing the big fake screams of 'pleasure' coming from these yolks really turns me the **** off.

Well you have to turn the sound way down!

Shanotheslayer

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

So you've been having sex with him since you were about thirteen? You mentioned being 24/25 on another thread.

Christ, I didn't need to think of two children fcuking.

Chloris wrote: »

What the hell is wrong with that?! I think it's class.

You must be from the Tallaght part in Cork

One eyed Jack

The Corinthian wrote: »

I think you misunderstood; I didn't dismiss it, I went further and said it was likely a harmful reaction, and those who validate it are the ones who cause even greater harm as they effectively dismiss the need to examine why they are 'offended'.

If someone is 'offended', that does not mean they have valid reason to be so, regardless of whatever the prevailing PC fashion this week is. There are reasons for why and sometimes those reasons are what form the core problem and not the 'offence' itself. Validating blindly the taking offence alone as legitimate is an excellent way to avoid ever examining what the problem may be, and thus the most harmful action of all.

...


Like duh. Name a single relationship issue where poor communication isn't one of the core reasons. Although, encouraging the OP not to examine why she feels offended (in fairness I don't think she actually ever used the term) is probably a a pretty daft way to deal with the issue.

Well in fairness, I only used the term "offended" because I was taking it directly from your post -

The Corinthian wrote: »

Those are the facts we know. If this process disturbs or 'offends' her then the following possible options are open:

I think you nailed it though (pardon the pun), with this bit -

The Corinthian wrote: »

And the OP also has some self image issues if it bothers her. I'd say the same of a man who feels uncomfortable with his partner looking at pictures of male porn actors. It doesn't lessen their discomfort, but it ultimately the issue is with their own self image and so people using terms like 'disrespectful' simply serves to rationalize and hide the root problem.

But yeah, I don't think the term "disrespectful" was meant to rationalise and hide the root of the problem, but simply from that posters perspective (and one I have to admit I'd share myself) - it's a bit shít that the guy feels a need to crack one off to porn by himself and his girlfriend in the bed beside him.

I have to be honest I'd feel a bit put out by that too if I was being left out of the loop and I'd say something. The OP is unwilling to do that though. The issue of what he's getting off to and the insecurity issues it's causing for the OP is just a lead on from her unwillingness to ask her boyfriend "hey what's up with that like?".

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Wtf? So now when a guy relieves himself it means he isn't fulfilled? Aww here! I don't think this is true at all. I think you absolutely can have a fulfilled sex life and still be allowed to masturbate. Should not be a big deal unless he's choosing to do it rather than have sex.

syklops

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Wtf? So now when a guy relieves himself it means he isn't fulfilled? Aww here! I don't think this is true at all. I think you absolutely can have a fulfilled sex life and still be allowed to masturbate. Should not be a big deal unless he's choosing to do it rather than have sex.

This isnt a quick one while he is in work. He is in bed, next to his partner who could easily participate but doesn't.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

syklops wrote: »

This isnt a quick one while he is in work. He is in bed, next to his partner who could easily participate but doesn't.

Sometimes you might not be in the mood? Like for example - he might be more of a night time person whereas she could be good to go in the morning. She could have had a super long day in work and barely have enough energy to get her pjs on for bed and he could be ready to run a marathon. In that case, wanna knock one out? Go for it! Sex is only good if both people are into it. You can tell if someone isn't feeling it and in that situation you'd be better off knocking one out yourself it'd be more enjoyable.

walkingshadow

syklops wrote: »

This isnt a quick one while he is in work. He is in bed, next to his partner who could easily participate but doesn't.

Women on the internet are usually hotter than real women

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

walkingshadow wrote: »

Women on the internet are usually hotter than real women

I know yeah :cool:

syklops

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Sometimes you might not be in the mood? Like for example - he might be more of a night time person whereas she could be good to go in the morning. She could have had a super long day in work and barely have enough energy to get her pjs on for bed and he could be ready to run a marathon. In that case, wanna knock one out? Go for it! Sex is only good if both people are into it. You can tell if someone isn't feeling it and in that situation you'd be better off knocking one out yourself it'd be more enjoyable.

These are all good reasons for her not to participate of a particular day, but the OP said her boyfriend does it every single night and apparently she never joins in. Thats the worrying part.

fergus1001

LexieOnRale wrote:

I know yeah

It's kinda like the father ted thing of imagination V's reality

Lau2976

syklops wrote: »

These are all good reasons for her not to participate of a particular day, but the OP said her boyfriend does it every single night and apparently she never joins in. Thats the worrying part.

But she said they have a healthy sex life. That suggests that they have sex and then he whacks one out.

Cold War Kid

The Corinthian wrote: »

Well, let's just look at the situation described by the OP. Her partner masturbates not for reasons of fantasy fulfillment or pleasure, but to exploit some of the effects of the male refractory period to induce sleep. Pornography appears to be used as an aid to induce orgasm. The process is masturbation because he has no willing sex partner. That it occurs in front of her is because they sleep together and presumably go to bed together at the same time. Going to another room to masturbate before going to bed would likely defeat the purpose of encouraging sleep as the effects don't last very long.

Those are the facts we know. If this process disturbs or 'offends' her then the following possible options are open:

1. He goes to bed before her and masturbates / sleeps first.
2. They sleep in separate bedrooms.
3. He uses his 'imagination' rather than pornography.
4. She agrees to 'help' him every evening.
5. He stops and takes sleeping pills.

Options 1 and 2 are likely to disrupt the relationship. Option 3 may not be an option and ultimately how much better is it that he imagines other women and masturbates next to her? Option 4 is an unfair imposition on the OP and the final option is frankly grounds for a breakup; any partner who would rather you take drugs than be 'offended' is a partner best left. So overall, maybe a compromise position of some sort of mix of the third and forth options might be best.

My own feeling is that, to begin with, the OP's partner has a deeper issue if he needs to do this every night; either he has sleep issues that need medical investigation or in reality the problem is more to do with the two of them having sex drives that are incompatible - and if the latter, that's going to be a much bigger problem down the road.

Yeah, fair points - can't disagree with them.

And the OP also has some self image issues if it bothers her. I'd say the same of a man who feels uncomfortable with his partner looking at pictures of male porn actors. It doesn't lessen their discomfort, but it ultimately the issue is with their own self image and so people using terms like 'disrespectful' simply serves to rationalize and hide the root problem.

Here's where I'd disagree: she's obviously not too sure about it, hence asking for people's opinions (strange choice of forum to ask on but so be it :pac:). There's no proof she has self image issues - people are only empathising. Sometimes there's a bit of a jaded, cynical outlook in relation to sex - and not everyone buys it; it doesn't make their view any less valid.
I'm not even referring to the images that he masturbates to - of course they're gonna be of sexy women; I'm simply referring to him tugging away while she's lying in the bed next to him. It wouldn't feel the greatest tbh - for a man or a woman. That said, if she isn't in the mood and he needs sexual release, then what alternative is there. I would agree she needs to communicate with him more though, and if there's something up with their sexual compatibility, then this needs to be faced up to also.

Chloris wrote: »

I think that's what it comes down to, sexual compromise. If you're not comfortable doing something your partner likes or vice versa, and you don't bend even a small bit, that's a recipe for sexually frustrated pent-up resentment.

Yeh! Do stuff you're not comfortable with...

Cold War Kid

Gongoozler wrote: »

Not terribly healthy if you can't just say straight out what you want to do, and have to 'trick' her into it.

"Trick" is probably the wrong word to use - think he means he turns her on when she's initially not in the humour, to the point of gagging for it. Seems healthy IMO.

Medusa22 wrote: »

If you are happy with your sex life and he doesn't watch porn non-stop then I wouldn't worry OP but it is your relationship after all. Of course he looks at attractive women when he watches porn, it doesn't mean that he wants to run off with them. I don't see why he'd want to look at ugly women tbh

Think the OP is referring more to him fapping away while next to her in the bed, rather than the fact he watches porn and the porn features hot women.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I don't know, I'd worry if he was watching porn with vulgar looking creatures in it. I'd worry about his taste in women and feel he was into uglies? What's that called?? Pig sex?? Something like that anyway, it's a fetish. No harm having a man who can appreciate a good looking woman, as long as he knows he isn't going to do any better than you

Cold War Kid

LexieOnRale wrote: »

No harm having a man who can appreciate a good looking woman

Again, I don't think anyone sees a problem with him viewing porn featuring hot women. And really, I don't know how anyone could have been interpreted as saying it would be preferable if he watched porn featuring "ugly" women?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

It was my understanding the OP felt inferior as the women were hot

Chloris

Cold War Kid wrote:

Yeh! Do stuff you're not comfortable with...

Definitely. The couples I most respect are all in their fifties and are still uncontrollable around each other. The whole "we're married so we don't have sex" thing is farcical. Explains the enormous divorce rate.

The Corinthian wrote:

The net result of which is that the problem persists, is never addressed and typically gets worse over time. Then one day the one with the higher sex drive ends up posting here how he or she is in a relationship where their spouse hasn't had sex with them in a year and they're thinking of having an affair.

I reckon there's always a midpoint or compromise, but if not, then it's probably an incompatibility. But incompatibility stems from an unwillingness to compromise. I think the less open-minded a person is, the harder a time they'll have finding someone.

nathang20

I'm sorry, but if your partner is **** to porn or imagination, regardless... its a horrendous situation to be in...

Cold War Kid

Chloris wrote: »

Definitely. The couples I most respect are all in their fifties and are still uncontrollable around each other. The whole "we're married so we don't have sex" thing is farcical.

Not sure how that relates in any way to feeling forced into doing stuff you don't want to do. If anything, it seems like they just do what they're happy doing.

I definitely don't think men or women should feel compelled to do stuff they're not comfortable doing - bizarre suggestion IMO.

The Corinthian

One eyed Jack wrote: »

But yeah, I don't think the term "disrespectful" was meant to rationalise and hide the root of the problem, but simply from that posters perspective (and one I have to admit I'd share myself) - it's a bit shít that the guy feels a need to crack one off to porn by himself and his girlfriend in the bed beside him.

I'd take "a bit shìt" to mean unfortunate or regrettable, which I agree with. However, I wasn't criticizing such a view, I was criticizing the use of terms such as "disrespectful" which means something quite different.

I have to be honest I'd feel a bit put out by that too if I was being left out of the loop and I'd say something. The OP is unwilling to do that though.

In fairness this is a new development for her. It only recently bothered her, so she's not yet had a chance to do so.

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Here's where I'd disagree: she's obviously not too sure about it, hence asking for people's opinions (strange choice of forum to ask on but so be it :pac:).

She's actually pretty sure she's bothered by it, what she's not sure about is whether she she should be.

There's no proof she has self image issues - people are only empathising.

Well if there are no self image issues there, if she does not have any problem with her boyfriend looking at images of other women, would you care to suggest what is bothering her?

I think it's probably perfectly natural to have such reactions. Were your partner to go to dinner with an ex, who of us would not have a little twinge of jealousy, despite knowing that there is nothing to worrying about this.

But the 'empathy' that was shown in this case does more harm than good. It validated her fears and basically told her that he was "disrespectful" - he should not be doing this. Full stop. Forget that there may be more to it.

She's better off without that kind of moronic "empathy".

Sometimes there's a bit of a jaded, cynical outlook in relation to sex - and not everyone buys it; it doesn't make their view any less valid.

Neither does it make their views valid. There appears to be a lot of confusion nowadays about this. Everyone is entitled to their views and to express them, true, but this does not imply that those views are not a pile of excrement.

Yeh! Do stuff you're not comfortable with...

Well if you don't to some degree in any relationship, and I don't simply mean sexually, I suggest you stay single.

Cold War Kid wrote: »

I definitely don't think men or women should feel compelled to do stuff they're not comfortable doing - bizarre suggestion IMO.

I don't really fancy taking the bins out, should I stop?

The problem with a simplistic cliche like one should no feel compelled to do stuff they're not comfortable doing is that without defining what is reasonably so, it can mean doing nothing that puts you out at all would qualify. Your way or the highway.

Sounds like a justification for selfishness in relationships. Good luck with that.

silverfeather

The Corinthian wrote: »

I don't really fancy taking the bins out, should I stop?


Sounds like a justification for selfishness in relationships. Good luck with that.

Well it depends how badly will it damage you?
There are degrees of discomfort and emotional distress. Empathy is good way of gauging where someone's true boundary is.

Should is a useless word sometimes. Sexuality can be innate. Doesn't matter what you think your mate should compromise on. They have an innate nature. It's why you look for compatibility.

Which side of the spectrum is compromise to be had? Does he stop? Does she accept it? Does he do it Tuesdays and not Saturday?

All of these compromises will make both of them unhappy.

Sexuality is something we keep hidden. I find it hard to ask men etc ...are you into this or that etc. It's tough to talk about.

The Corinthian

silverfeather wrote: »

Well it depends how badly will it damage you?
There are degrees of discomfort and emotional distress.

Sure. Where exactly is that mentioned in the "should not feel compelled to do stuff they're not comfortable doing" advice?

Empathy is good way of gauging where someone's true boundary is.

Says who?

Should is a useless word sometimes. Sexuality can be innate. Doesn't matter what you think your mate should compromise on.

Then don't tell them they should never compromise, because that is what such a phrase implies.

All of these compromises will make both of them unhappy.

OK. Stay single.

Sexuality is something we keep hidden. I find it hard to ask men etc ...are you into this or that etc. It's tough to talk about.

Don't speak for others please.

silverfeather

The Corinthian wrote: »

Sure. Where exactly is that mentioned in the "should not feel compelled to do stuff they're not comfortable doing" advice?

Says who?

Then don't tell them they should never compromise, because that is what such a phrase implies.

OK. Stay single.

Don't speak for others please.

I was explicitly speaking about myself in that last sentence which I why I stated clearly 'I find it hard to ask men....'

It does not follow by understanding your partners innate nature you will be single.

I did not state the phrase 'they should never compromise' therefore I did not imply that. Which is what the phrase 'Then don't tell them they should never compromise' implies I did actually say.

I say. Sometimes you say. Then I say again.

The Corinthian

silverfeather wrote: »

I was explicitly speaking about myself in that last sentence which I why I stated clearly 'I find it hard to ask men....'

"Sexuality is something we keep hidden" - use the royal 'we' often?

It does not follow by understanding your partners innate nature you will be single.

No, but it will follow that if you are never wiling to compromise on anything that you'll end up single.

I did not state the phrase 'they should never compromise' therefore I did not imply that. Which is what the phrase 'Then don't tell them they should never compromise' implies I did actually say.

I didn't say you stated that, but "don't do anything that you're uncomfortable with" implicitly does imply it.

silverfeather

Zuspruch wrote: »

The idea that you should never do something that makes you uncomfortable is ridiculous. Adhering to such a rule will likely lead to a miserable existence and possibly even depression in my opinion. We are supposed to feel uncomfortable at times. Challenging your comfort zone allows you to grow as a person and to find fulfillment.

Hi corinthian. :P