Question for the boys - to pay or not to pay?

py2006

DamoKen wrote: »

Experienced that once or twice in my dating days (thankfully long over!!!). Actually went on a date one night where as she neared the end of each glass I'd get an expectant look and a wiggle of the glass. By the fourth or fifth wiggle where she hadn't moved from her seat the thoughts of a second date were gone. Final straw was the one time she did leave her seat to go to the bathroom I received another wiggle of the glass and a drinks order change, despite her having to walk by the bar to the toilets. Waited til she came back, made my excuses and left. Meanness is the biggest turnoff.

A mate of mine was on a date. He went up and bought a round and then went up for a second round which he wasn't too bothered about. When it came to the third round he took his time to see what would happen. She neither budged nor offered. So eventually went up for the third and REALLY took his time on it. She was long finished hers and he had half left. She kept glancing at her glass during conversation to drop hints. He pretended he didn't notice. At this stage he was seriously pissed off and had completely lost interest in her.

The best part was he went up to the bar for a fourth drink but only bought himself one.

Pinkmoon19

I have to admit some of you are painting bad pictures of women who expect to be wined and dined, with the glass wiggling etc. I've often bought a round or 2 on a first date and I have no problem doing it. However, I find it really endearing when a guy treats me without being all showy about it. At the end of the day a huge element of a first date is to impress. I was very impressed by my date last night, I thought he was a proper gent. Having said that I will definitely be offering to pay a portion on our next date, I was going to anyway, but after reading these responses there is no way I wouldn't! I think because I'm a naturally very generous person I value that in another person, and it's important to me that my date is generous towards me, especially on the first couple. I guess it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. Thanks again for all your responses. It's definitely made me have a think.

py2006

I find myself in an interesting scenario on a couple of occasions. I have a really good female friend who I often go for drinks with or bites to eat or both. :P

We are just friends. We usually split the bill but on occasion depending on finances etc I will pay or she will pay. In fact, she often insists on pay for all as I have done favours for her or whatever.

Interestingly, when she pays, I get dodgy looks from waiting staff and bar staff and even people around us. Not always, but on occasion.

py2006

wolfen wrote: »

I have to admit some of you are painting bad pictures of women who expect to be wined and dined, with the glass wiggling etc. I've often bought a round or 2 on a first date and I have no problem doing it. However, I find it really endearing when a guy treats me without being all showy about it. At the end of the day a huge element of a first date is to impress. I was very impressed by my date last night, I thought he was a proper gent. Having said that I will definitely be offering to pay a portion on our next date, I was going to anyway, but after reading these responses there is no way I wouldn't! I think because I'm a naturally very generous person I value that in another person, and it's important to me that my date is generous towards me, especially on the first couple. I guess it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. Thanks again for all your responses. It's definitely made me have a think.

Ah we are all bitter and twisted here in tGC, don't mind us! You seem nice and genuine and any guy would pick up on that and know he isn't being used when he buys some drinks.

Knex*

wolfen wrote: »

I have to admit some of you are painting bad pictures of women who expect to be wined and dined, with the glass wiggling etc. I've often bought a round or 2 on a first date and I have no problem doing it. However, I find it really endearing when a guy treats me without being all showy about it. At the end of the day a huge element of a first date is to impress. I was very impressed by my date last night, I thought he was a proper gent. Having said that I will definitely be offering to pay a portion on our next date, I was going to anyway, but after reading these responses there is no way I wouldn't! I think because I'm a naturally very generous person I value that in another person, and it's important to me that my date is generous towards me, especially on the first couple. I guess it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. Thanks again for all your responses. It's definitely made me have a think.

It really is just the mannerisms involved, rather than the actually written outcome, with regards to who pays what etc.

You already seem conscious about it, so I really wouldn't worry!

Best of luck on that 2nd date

LordNorbury

I was on a date a few years ago, when I was new at dating/internet dating, etc, (before I could see them coming!), and went on a date with this girl, we were going for a few drinks. I got the first round in and the second, then the third, and it started dawning on me that this girl had no intention of paying for anything on our date, but as I was new to the scene, I just kept ordering...

After this had gone on for a few hours, she started smirking at me with a silly drunken head on her, and telling me about the date she has arranged with another guy for the following night, then her night out the night after that with "my girlies", and than another date the night after that with some other guy! It was then that I realised that I was this girls latest victim.

DamoKen

wolfen wrote: »

I have to admit some of you are painting bad pictures of women who expect to be wined and dined, with the glass wiggling etc. I've often bought a round or 2 on a first date and I have no problem doing it. However, I find it really endearing when a guy treats me without being all showy about it. At the end of the day a huge element of a first date is to impress. I was very impressed by my date last night, I thought he was a proper gent. Having said that I will definitely be offering to pay a portion on our next date, I was going to anyway, but after reading these responses there is no way I wouldn't! I think because I'm a naturally very generous person I value that in another person, and it's important to me that my date is generous towards me, especially on the first couple. I guess it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. Thanks again for all your responses. It's definitely made me have a think.

Sorry wasn't the intention. As I said only experienced this once or twice (and that one was by far the worst). On almost every date I ever went on would normally be the complete opposite where I'd have to insist if I wanted to treat her (picture Mrs Doyle and her mate from Father Ted in the tea shop ).

Think main thing to bear in mind OP is stinginess like your ex displayed is a massive turn off to both genders but would generally be the exception, not the rule.

We all like to treat someone we like, it's when as you experienced yourself your generousity is being taken advantage of that it gets old very fast.

Sounds like you've met a good guy anyway, and he's met a nice girl by the sounds of it so best of luck!

LordNorbury

wolfen wrote: »

I have to admit some of you are painting bad pictures of women who expect to be wined and dined, with the glass wiggling etc. I've often bought a round or 2 on a first date and I have no problem doing it. However, I find it really endearing when a guy treats me without being all showy about it. At the end of the day a huge element of a first date is to impress. I was very impressed by my date last night, I thought he was a proper gent. Having said that I will definitely be offering to pay a portion on our next date, I was going to anyway, but after reading these responses there is no way I wouldn't! I think because I'm a naturally very generous person I value that in another person, and it's important to me that my date is generous towards me, especially on the first couple. I guess it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. Thanks again for all your responses. It's definitely made me have a think.

To be honest, most women are not mean or scabby when it comes to these things, you sound like you have the ideal attitude for winning this guy over I have to say!

Knex*

LordNorbury wrote: »

To be honest, most women are not mean or scabby when it comes to these things, you sound like you have the ideal attitude for winning this guy over I have to say!

Yeah, this. Only a minority, for sure.

GERALD GIRAFFE

Silly humans! Too many words!!

If I like you; I will pay for the shurbs and tops of trees. If I don't like you; I will not be with you. If you are thankful for shrubs and tops of tree; I would like you to nudge my neck with your head.

py2006

GERALD GIRAFFE wrote: »

If I like you; I will pay for the shurbs and tops of trees. If I don't like you; I will not be with you. If you are thankful for shrubs and tops of tree; I would like you to nudge my neck with your head.

You're doing what now with who?

Pawwed Rig

py2006 wrote: »

You're doing what now with who?

He is going around the site pretending to be a giraffe for some reason. Bless him

czechlin

Another woman here.

If he asked me out for a drink/coffee and insists on paying I let him (as long as it's not expensive) but will always thank him (it's polite anyway). If we're getting more rounds I always get the next, if we end up going for dinner we share the bill, cinema - if he gets tickets I get the snacks etc. I'm happy to pay my share, I'm happy to treat people if I can afford it and if he wants to treat me and I like him I let him. I don't go on dates to be wined and dined for free.

Although it explains the few weird situations on dates when the guys were pointing it out that I should get the next round when bringing the first drinks to the table. Which I found weird because I already offered to pay and I was going to but the next round anyway. I hate talking about money but I actually had to explain to one of them that I've no problem paying for myself or buying every second round etc. because it got really annoying and I wasn't sure what was going on. Turned out he had some bad experience rather than being stingy.

riveratom

LordNorbury wrote: »

After this had gone on for a few hours, she started smirking at me with a silly drunken head on her, and telling me about the date she has arranged with another guy for the following night, then her night out the night after that with "my girlies", and than another date the night after that with some other guy! It was then that I realised that I was this girls latest victim.

I hope you made your excuses and left at around about that stage - I know I would have.

Henry9

LordNorbury wrote: »

I was on a date a few years ago, when I was new at dating/internet dating, etc, (before I could see them coming!), and went on a date with this girl, we were going for a few drinks. I got the first round in and the second, then the third, and it started dawning on me that this girl had no intention of paying for anything on our date, but as I was new to the scene, I just kept ordering...

After this had gone on for a few hours, she started smirking at me with a silly drunken head on her, and telling me about the date she has arranged with another guy for the following night, then her night out the night after that with "my girlies", and than another date the night after that with some other guy! It was then that I realised that I was this girls latest victim.

Only because there's enough idiots out there who think they have to be a 'proper gentleman' whatever that is. But it usually seems to involve spending money.

As for the rummaging, pretending to offer... GTFO.

It's gas how many women get 'old fashioned' when it comes to putting their hands in their pocket. Given that these traditions probably arose from women having no income and being 'kept', hence the man having to show he was solvent, you'd think your typical 21st century feminist would be up in arms about 'gender stereotypes'.

LordNorbury

riveratom wrote: »

I hope you made your excuses and left at around about that stage - I know I would have.

I timed a visit to the jacks just before another round was due and went to the jacks and then when I came back from the jacks, walked straight out the pub door and didn't even look back, deleted her number as I walked up the street, and that was the last thought I gave her!

LordNorbury

Henry9 wrote: »

Only because there's enough idiots out there who think they have to be a 'proper gentleman' whatever that is. But it usually seems to involve spending money.

As for the rummaging, pretending to offer... GTFO.

It's gas how many women get 'old fashioned' when it comes to putting their hands in their pocket. Given that these traditions probably arose from women having no income and being 'kept', hence the man having to show he was solvent, you'd think your typical 21st century feminist would be up in arms about 'gender stereotypes'.

In fairness, it is a tricky situation for us guys because there is a very fine line between appearing to be mean, while trying to safeguard yourself from a gold digger on a date. Say I interjected after round 1 and suggested she get round 2 if she hasn't offered. I immediately appear to possibly be a miserable fúck who is afraid to lose a fiver on a round. Most women are not like this, they play fair, even if there is no chemistry but there is decent chat and banter, they understand that drinking is an expensive auld business and that they can get a round in just like the guy. Sadly, and it tends to be the better looking women in my experience, you do get a few gold digger princesses with notions of entitlement in their head.

Henry9

wolfen wrote: »

I have to admit some of you are painting bad pictures of women who expect to be wined and dined, with the glass wiggling etc. I've often bought a round or 2 on a first date and I have no problem doing it. However, I find it really endearing when a guy treats me without being all showy about it. At the end of the day a huge element of a first date is to impress. I was very impressed by my date last night, I thought he was a proper gent. Having said that I will definitely be offering to pay a portion on our next date, I was going to anyway, but after reading these responses there is no way I wouldn't! I think because I'm a naturally very generous person I value that in another person, and it's important to me that my date is generous towards me, especially on the first couple. I guess it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. Thanks again for all your responses. It's definitely made me have a think.

That's too funny. Let's hope you never go on a date with anyone who plays the same game or you'll both starve to death.

Chance The Rapper

My system was basically:

If it goes well pay and tell her she can pay for the second date.

If it doesn't go well, split the bill

riveratom

LordNorbury wrote: »

I timed a visit to the jacks just before another round was due and went to the jacks and then when I came back from the jacks, walked straight out the pub door and didn't even look back, deleted her number as I walked up the street, and that was the last thought I gave her!

Excellent my good man. Couldn't have nailed it better. Did she text you wondering where you went?!

LordNorbury

riveratom wrote: »

Excellent my good man. Couldn't have nailed it better. Did she text you wondering where you went?!

Nope, she probably saw me walking out the door, she was the kind of clown who would have had no hesitation going up to the next guy she saw and fluttering her eyelashes at him and getting more drinks off him. I just chalked it up to experience, she might have gotten a few drinks out of me but I left the pub thinking she was an absolute and total cúnt. If I was her, I'd rather have spent the 30 quid and made a better impression of myself.

Pawwed Rig

LordNorbury wrote: »

But if you ask a girl out for dinner, are you not meant to bringing her out?!? I mean you can't be turning around at the end of the meal and saying, "right love I need 55 quid off ya for that"??? It is nice for a girl to offer, but I think if you ask a girl out for a dinner date, there is an implied thing there that you are treating her to dinner.

Well I wouldn't have taken a girl out for dinner on a first date. First date for me was always coffee as it gives you a chance to chat without the beer taking over. Also you aren't stuck there for hours if things don't go well like you might be in a restaurant for example. So by the time we went for dinner it would be at least a second date by whiclh time we both agreed to meet up again so it wouldn't be me asking her out as such.

OP just bear in mind it is not all about him impressing you. He is sizing you up at the same time as you are him and often the small gestures speak volumes. For example when I hold a door open for someone a thank you is nice. It shows the person appreciates small things.

Other big nonos for me were designer bags. If she had one then I'm not interested :pac:

Sibhsoo

Too many men focus on impressing women, just assume you're the sh1t and focus on whether the women you meet impress you.

MagicMarker

I'd always offer to pay but I wouldn't be impressed if there was no offer on their part to split the bill. The more they insist the more respect I have for them.

I think I've been lucky though, they nearly always insist that they pay their share, to the point where they won't take no for an answer.

GERALD GIRAFFE

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

He is going around the site pretending to be a giraffe for some reason. Bless him

You sound like the kids in school. "You're not a giraffe Gerry!"

"You only think you're a Giraffe Gerry; you're crazy!!!"

"Ger-ry Ger-ry Ger-ry thinks-he's a Gir-affe;
Ger-ry Ger-ry Ger-ry - let's all point and laugh!!!"

OK Pawwed Rig you got me!! You got me good!! It's me! Plain old Gerald McDermott. I am human, just like you.

You know my keeper once told me that no matter what anybody says; no matter what people think about you; the way you eat, the shrubs the grass: the way people look at you as if you're crazy - none of it matters! Lifes too short; you can be ANYTHING you want if you try hard enough!! And when people scoff at you; and point: it's probably because they are envious of the fact that you are being yourself. Your true self.

I am completely comfortable in my coat!

I think it was Katy Perry who once said:

I came from a lot of intolerance and prejudice, which aren't necessarily healthy to evolve as a human.

Sir_Name

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Well I wouldn't have taken a girl out for dinner on a first date. First date for me was always coffee as it gives you a chance to chat without the beer taking over. Also you aren't stuck there for hours if things don't go well like you might be in a restaurant for example. So by the time we went for dinner it would be at least a second date by whiclh time we both agreed to meet up again so it wouldn't be me asking her out as such.

OP just bear in mind it is not all about him impressing you. He is sizing you up at the same time as you are him and often the small gestures speak volumes. For example when I hold a door open for someone a thank you is nice. It shows the person appreciates small things.

Other big nonos for me were designer bags. If she had one then I'm not interested :pac:

Manners goes a loooooong way! In my experience most first dates have been dinner, and the guy has paid. I would always offer to split and in most cases if we've gone for a drink after I will buy the next few rounds as a thank you.
I prefer to pay my own way and I think it's a nice gesture to return the favour when you have been treated to dinner!

That said I find it mind boggling you wouldn't be interested in a girl if she had a designer bag. I have a few, nothing extortionate but I've bought them for myself as a treat at one time or another and find it odd that you wouldn't date a girl with one.

Pawwed Rig

Deanov wrote: »

That said I find it mind boggling you wouldn't be interested in a girl if she had a designer bag. I have a few, nothing extortionate but I've bought them for myself as a treat at one time or another and find it odd that you wouldn't date a girl with one.

Well I was being slightly tongue in cheek but where someone has a handbag for which they paid €600-700 we are unlikely to have too much in common.

Knex*

Deanov wrote: »

Manners goes a loooooong way! In my experience most first dates have been dinner, and the guy has paid. I would always offer to split and in most cases if we've gone for a drink after I will buy the next few rounds as a thank you.
I prefer to pay my own way and I think it's a nice gesture to return the favour when you have been treated to dinner!

That said I find it mind boggling you wouldn't be interested in a girl if she had a designer bag. I have a few, nothing extortionate but I've bought them for myself as a treat at one time or another and find it odd that you wouldn't date a girl with one.

As for the designer bag, I don't think that would ever bother me. Although I know some who will only ever wear one, as if anything less is beneath her, and that type of attitude would. But really, I can only see it being an issue for me, if she opened by going, "And look at my designer bag".

JeffKenna

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Well I was being slightly tongue in cheek but where someone has a handbag for which they paid €600-700 we are unlikely to have too much in common.

Wow...I wouldn't even be able to tell if a bag was designer or not!

I would never go for dinner on a first date, I just think straight away it adds pressure and creates the 'oh I'll pay half/no no I'll pay' Mrs Doyle scenario. Why anyone would deliberately do something on a first date that creates that kind of awkwardness is beyond me.

Unfortunately there are some girls who are just out to completely take what they can get. It's sad really but in my experience best to keep away from them. I'll never forget on a second date with a girl she told me how all her friends try to get guys to bend down and tie their shoe laces, just to see if they'll do it. And they were in there 30's...on the 3rd date with this girl I brought her for dinner, after dessert she went to the bathroom for 9 minutes, I timed it. No queues btw. At least we avoided the paying argument but it clicked fairly fast with me that like her friends she wasn't all that nice of a person!

LordNorbury

My "designer handbag" thing is texting at the dinner table, only happened to me once, but it's a complete complete deal breaker. Pick your nose if you wish, fart and let the whole restaurant hear it, but don't start start texting your mate in the middle of dinner.