Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

CZ 453

fr336 wrote: »

Well yes, like 10% of me is prepared and knows how normal it is and the old myth that glasses can in themselves worsen your eyesight is just that, but still..I'm such a baby (at 25 years of age) that I can't believe this has happened and even a year ago this wouldn't be happening. How self obsessed / selfish am I? :rolleyes:

Are you asking that because you think it is wrong of you to think you're above bad/poor eyesight?

CZ 453

fr336 wrote: »

Oh and last time I had a good sleep was years ago. Since I started taking things for what they were, rather than getting myself up in a heap and not getting anywhere, I have had the occasional "potentially good" sleep. But just can't find the strength and focus to make it consistent...I need to reach for junk food or whatever as an outlet. I'd also like to cry but don't want to do that either. I'm just impossible right?

Do you think there is anything off with this sentence?

fr336

shezer wrote: »

Are you asking that because you think it is wrong of you to think you're above bad/poor eyesight?

Yeah, basically. I've been lucky to get this far (25), especially considering not being kind to my body. I've wasted so many years. And I'm STILL here! Loads of people don't make it to this point or have things wrong with them, despite living healthy amazing lives. And here I am.

fr336

shezer wrote: »

Do you think there is anything off with this sentence?

What are you thinking, specifically? You don't have to put the time and patience into replying btw :P

CZ 453

fr336 wrote: »

Yeah, basically. I've been lucky to get this far (25), especially considering not being kind to my body. I've wasted so many years. And I'm STILL here! Loads of people don't make it to this point or have things wrong with them, despite living healthy amazing lives. And here I am.

fr336 wrote: »

What are you thinking, specifically? You don't have to put the time and patience into replying btw :P

Be honest here now with yourself. Do you think you were once perfect or that you want to be perfect again? Don't answer me. Just think about it. Nothing right or wrong with thinking it.

You used the words strength and focus when describing sleep. They are two words I definitely would not use for describing how to approach sleep. If someone had strength either mentally or physically they would not need sleep in most cases. What do you need to focus on for sleep...there should be little focus. You sleep because you're tired and your body or brain tell you "hey fr336, I need you to shutdown now".

fr336

I don't know..I think I'm going to sleep soon

Esel

fr336 wrote: »

So so worried and depressed tonight, worried about my eyesight is it down to anxiety or at best I've damaged my long distance vision through too much computer use etc. I don't want to go to bed because I feel so on edge and anxious in it - even my eyes feel like they're being stuck open with glue - and I'll just sit there and think sadly. On my own. With nobody who understands me in my own life or hell even online. I had my chance of that in what seems another lifetime two years ago and messed it up completely. That was even before this thing kicked off to epic proportions. I had high hopes for myself to be fair...but this is going downhill steeply now one thing after another. I can cope to a certain extent myself, I need a friend

I don't think you can damage your eyesight by using a computer. Some people need eyesight adjustment at an early age (think < 10 years old). In the end, everyone loses some accommodation (eyesight term); children, adolescents, young adults, slightly older adults, and so on. You are a young adult.

I would not think that excessive viewing of a computer monitor has damaged your eyesight. Go to Specsavers, pay for the tests (get tested for contact lenses as well). After testing, you are entitled to your prescription (so you can order spectacles/contact lenses online if you want - usually much cheaper...) or you can buy either type from the shop.

Fix your sight: either wear your glasses like a boss, or if you prefer to use contact lenses, be sure you follow the instructions closely i.e. take them out before sleeping, etc.

fr336 wrote: »

The root cause is underlying sleep issues which built up for years simply not having enough sleep.

Re sleep: no-one can 'make' themself fall asleep. Sleep comes... Counting sheep (jumping over a gate), counting down from 100, or 1000, or even simply focussing on your breathing. Diaphragm going out, think 'out' - although you are breathing in then. Diaphragm going in, think 'in' - although you are breathing out then. Turn over after a while, repeat.

We sleep more often than we think.

Real insomnia, especially early morning waking: seek medical advice.

tl/dr Turn you monitor off a while before going to bed. Do not drink coffee, or any caffeine or sugary drink within two hours of going to bed. Pack your bag and make your lunch/fill your water bottle before you go to bed.

mtl/dr Eyesight, sleep - almost everyone, earlier or later, has problems with these. Both are addressable. Address them. You can.

fr336

Many thanks Esel, do you have any specific experience with eyesight? Up to now any blurring to do with my eyesight has come and gone and I put it down to anxiety. But this long distance thing feels more permanent (though admittedly it did coincide with an even more stressful time than most)

Esel

fr336 wrote: »

Many thanks Esel, do you have any specific experience with eyesight? Up to now any blurring to do with my eyesight has come and gone and I put it down to anxiety. But this long distance thing feels more permanent (though admittedly it did coincide with an even more stressful time than most)

Just as a user! I got glasses when I realised I needed them (for reading).

I don't have any idea what might be causing the issues you are having, nor if they might be anxiety-related. Never heard of that before though.

To put your mind at rest, you should have an eye-test. The test includes an inspection of the inside of the eyes, and a glaucoma test is performed too (where they direct a puff of air at the eye, I think). So, as well as having your eyesight checked, your eye health is also checked.

Edit: I really should not have stated above that "Excessive viewing of a computer monitor has not damaged your eyesight" because I really don't know if this is true. I have edited my post above accordingly (to say "I would not think that...").

fr336

Esel wrote: »

Just as a user! I got glasses when I realised I needed them (short-sighted).

I don't have any idea what might be causing the issues you are having, nor if they might be anxiety-related. Never heard of that before though.

To put your mind at rest, you should have an eye-test. The test includes an inspection of the inside of the eyes, and a glaucoma test is performed too (where they direct a puff of air at the eye, I think). So, as well as having your eyesight checked, your eye health is also checked.

Yep going to do it in the next week or two for sure, it's just difficult to arrange stuff and get into the frame of mind cos..well..anxiety.

Thanks again

Esel

See my edits in my two posts above.

Dr.Alucard

Do ye ever feel held back sometimes?, from the person that you could be because of your anxiety? , just had an okish day today but let my anxiety hold me back, i feel kinda sad that i am denied being myself and instead have to feel anxious in what should be the prime of my life. The way i act with people ruled by anxiety, avoiding social gatherings and making excuses for not going with my class to lunch etc. having people judge me because they dont know i have anxiety problems and therefore feel uncomfortable in social situations . I hate felling like that i cant be 'normal' around people.

Dr.Alucard

shezer wrote: »

Yes...but lately I've questioned what is person I could be. Is it really what I want to be?

you come across as a nice poster shezer, especially on this thread, im sure this would be true for the outside world too should you be rid of anxiety, what would be the shezer be like if the real shezer was allowed to exist.

Roquentin

shezer wrote: »

Thanks
I'd imagine I'd be a lot more productive academically. My ability to study and sit exams wouldn't be inhibited. I suppose that's how anxiety has taken its toll.

I used to think that I wanted to be buzzing along on top of my game in all areas of my life. Now I know that the busier you are or the busier you think you want to be, then the more you miss the important things. (Example-If I was really busy working, would I get to spend as much time with the ones I love.) So thinking I wanted to achieve in work versus wanting to be a good person/boyfriend/brother/son/father/husband/cousin/uncle etc.

"When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.

I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.

When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town.

I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.

My family and I could have made an impact on our town.

Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

Rabbi Israel Salanter
Nineteenth Century Professor

fr336

Roquentin wrote: »

"When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.

I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.

When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town.

I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.

My family and I could have made an impact on our town.

Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

Rabbi Israel Salanter
Nineteenth Century Professor

Amazing quote.

CZ 453

It really is amazing that you could pull that quote out of the bag after I had wrote the above.

I still don't understand why I let my perpetual single life get me down.

I've been on more dates in the last year than I had been in my whole life but never managed to get anywhere beyond two. And one I saw a few months back told me that she didn't want to see anyone as she was doing a course abroad next year, then started parading her new boyfriend on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. Probably not thinking, she sent me a pic on Snapchat of a gift he sent her, I promptly deleted her and am leaving it at that. It just made me feel like "am I actually that bad?"

It just feels like something that I'll never get right and I know that loneliness is a big part in my depression at times.

Roquentin

shezer wrote: »

It really is amazing that you could pull that quote out of the bag after I had wrote the above.

ah well i spend most of my time alone and reading stuff.....im bit of a quote geek

CZ 453

Roquentin wrote: »

ah well i spend most of my time alone and reading stuff.....im bit of a quote geek

Fair play. That gave me a lift....or reassurance I'm on the right path.

CZ 453

Karsini wrote: »

I still don't understand why I let my perpetual single life get me down.

I've been on more dates in the last year than I had been in my whole life but never managed to get anywhere beyond two. And one I saw a few months back told me that she didn't want to see anyone as she was doing a course abroad next year, then started parading her new boyfriend on Facebook a couple of weeks ago. Probably not thinking, she sent me a pic on Snapchat of a gift he sent her, I promptly deleted her and am leaving it at that. It just made me feel like "am I actually that bad?"

It just feels like something that I'll never get right and I know that loneliness is a big part in my depression at times.

Are we hardwired to think that we need to procreate? And therefore we need to find a partner asap? But society dictates that the partner must tick a few boxes first. Those boxes are sometimes distorted.

Are you looking for the right person?

guitarzero

Karsini wrote: »

It just feels like something that I'll never get right and I know that loneliness is a big part in my depression at times.

Totally relate to this. For so many years I felt that I wouldnt be happy until I found someone. When I found someone all I generally felt was sh*t because I didnt really relate or get a long with who I was with. I still felt lonely and estranged by the whole thing. I literally 'got into character' - enthusiastic, interested, clued in, content, future plans etc. But as time passed all I felt was sickened by myself, that I had compromised so much to get a sense of justification and validation.

What I realised was that loneliness is actually something that cant just be fixed by going out with a few heads for a drink or hooking up with someone and hoping it will work out. It's almost serendipitous that I ever find someone who I just get a long with, where parts of who I am kinda come alive again. There really is no 'cure' for it and much of it seems to be chance.

Whizzzy

I'm mildly epileptic since a serious illness about 30 years ago.

After about 10 years, I was put on Epilim 200mg per day.

Had the occasional grand mal, nevertheless but, to coin a computing term, it defragmented the hard-drive. i.e. I felt fantastic after them. Total release.

Anyway, because of driving and all that (though my episodes are always nocturnal) I was gradually raised to 1000mg per day of Epilim.

I'm not sure how long I've been on this level of meds, but for the last 4 years or so, about every 4-6 weeks, I have a cyclothymia type episode. i.e. I feel on top of the world for about a week and then I crash. The crash usually begins with an aura/migraine. Then, for the next 2-3 days, I feel like putting my head in the oven. Then it wears off and I'm normal again. So, not severe, but fairly frequent.

I've been tested for BP 1 and 2 - negative. But, what I experience are undoubtedly mood swings.

I am also on a Coeliac diet and I read that it can lead to a reduction in B12 intake. (I don't eat much red meat either) So, I am taking a supplement - Sona "Stress" vitamins, which are very high in B vitamins. This has resulted in my down swings being less pronounced, I think!

So,.....

1. Anyone on Epilim and experienced mood swing/depression side effects?

2. Does my feeling that the dose I'm on now (one gram a day) is "keeping a lid on things" and thereby possibly causing this problem, which didn't exist before, chime with anyone?

3. Can mood disorder strike at any age? I had an uncle who dropped dead of a heart attack at 55. (I'm 54) He had looked awful for a few years leading up to this. Eventually, his wife had an affair and left him. There does seem to be an anxiety gene in the family. Though I don't think that he was diagnosed with BP.

My personality could best be described as "glass half-empty" in outlook. I tend to look at the world through a telescope rather than a wide-angle lens - AND the telescope is frequently pointing towards something irrelevant and insignificant. Sound familiar?

If I said I had crap self-esteem, despite reasonably success, would that ring a bell with anyone?

People looking in from the outside would say I have it taped, so WTF is wrong with me?

I am conscious that these frequent, albeit not too severe, mood swings, could develop into BP 1/2. So, should I see a third psych?

Sincere apologies for the length of the post. It's my first and I had a lot to get off my chest.

Thanks.

D.

Ps. "Anticipatory Anxiety" are my middle names. Sound familiar?

Pps. I've often thought that I might have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have the attention span of a gnat. Didn't do well at school or college, though I did ok afterwards.

Hugo Stiglitz

Dr.Alucard wrote: »

Do ye ever feel held back sometimes?, from the person that you could be because of your anxiety? , just had an okish day today but let my anxiety hold me back, i feel kinda sad that i am denied being myself and instead have to feel anxious in what should be the prime of my life. The way i act with people ruled by anxiety, avoiding social gatherings and making excuses for not going with my class to lunch etc. having people judge me because they dont know i have anxiety problems and therefore feel uncomfortable in social situations . I hate felling like that i cant be 'normal' around people.

I am of the opinion that I have let this bastard of a yoke destroy my late teens and 20s (am now 29) and I hate it for it.

Hugo Stiglitz

Karsini wrote: »

"am I actually that bad?"

You're not man.

I ask myself that question an awful lot too. I've become so negative and toxic, even in casual interactions with people. Depression has become like a stain on my personality.

fr336

I'm a nervous wreck tonight. My family have this really warm, cuddly exterior and they do so much for me on the surface. After all these years of being fooled I'm beginning to realise they use it, conciously or not, to manipulate me and make up for their shortcomings in actually giving a damn. For me, guilt is a very different thing to caring. Anyone with me?

Roquentin

guitarzero wrote: »

Totally relate to this. For so many years I felt that I wouldnt be happy until I found someone. When I found someone all I generally felt was sh*t because I didnt really relate or get a long with who I was with. I still felt lonely and estranged by the whole thing. I literally 'got into character' - enthusiastic, interested, clued in, content, future plans etc. But as time passed all I felt was sickened by myself, that I had compromised so much to get a sense of justification and validation.

What I realised was that loneliness is actually something that cant just be fixed by going out with a few heads for a drink or hooking up with someone and hoping it will work out. It's almost serendipitous that I ever find someone who I just get a long with, where parts of who I am kinda come alive again. There really is no 'cure' for it and much of it seems to be chance.

Roquentin

guitarzero wrote: »

Totally relate to this. For so many years I felt that I wouldnt be happy until I found someone. When I found someone all I generally felt was sh*t because I didnt really relate or get a long with who I was with. I still felt lonely and estranged by the whole thing. I literally 'got into character' - enthusiastic, interested, clued in, content, future plans etc. But as time passed all I felt was sickened by myself, that I had compromised so much to get a sense of justification and validation.

What I realised was that loneliness is actually something that cant just be fixed by going out with a few heads for a drink or hooking up with someone and hoping it will work out. It's almost serendipitous that I ever find someone who I just get a long with, where parts of who I am kinda come alive again. There really is no 'cure' for it and much of it seems to be chance.

i was like you man. i found that i was pretending to be happy when i wasnt. I was looking at what others had and saying when i get that i will be happy. but i never did become happy.

Now that i am alone i am happier than i ever was. im not saying you belong in the loneliness, but you have to psychoanalyze yourself and see what you enjoy. You have to look into your heart and find the happiness. it may not be the conventional living. You have to enjoy yourself, find out what that is and then everything else will fall into place

Roquentin

(not trying to be rude) the impression i get from reading a few posts on this thread is that people are trying to be like others and you are saying to yourself that when i get that i will be happy. Life is about the journey and not the destination. If one says i will be happy when i get the car, house, family, job etc, they are in effect looking at the destination. Now when they get there, they may be happy or they may not, but it is not guaranteed by any means. i firmly believe that you must go out to enjoy yourself at present, regardless of your situation and through that other facets of life(relationships, jobs etc) may become by products of this way of living, but its not certain (but what is in life)

victor frankl was a existential psychoanalyst who survived the holocaust and wrote a great book(mans search for meaning). he insinuated that it was those who found even the faintest of pleasure in being in a camp that invariably survived the longest. The book was a metaphor for life in that it is those who accept the situation for what it is and more importantly accept themselves for who they are, that go on to live not necessarily the better life in terms of materialism, but the more content life. They find pleasure in just being alive

i spend the better part of my childhood worrying about this and that and after i left college i said **** this, im not worrying any more. I dont have much in terms of money or what we call desirability, but i wake up each day with a smile on my face, thankful for being alive. To live, despite that i would be labelled a failure in the eyes of others, is much better than having no life at all

Mental Mickey

How do you be "there" for someone, while not fully understanding the whole depression thing....???

fr336

Mental Mickey wrote: »

How do you be "there" for someone, while not fully understanding the whole depression thing....???

Maybe just giving them the benefit of the doubt would do the trick rather than kicking them while they're down then occasionally saying you "don't understand" what's up with them as my family do.