Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

Killer_banana

chinacup wrote: »

I can relate to that up and run - in need of a fresh start feeling. I have yet to find out whether it is an instinct you should follow or ignore.

Thing is I just had a fresh start a few months ago. Moved to York and am happy here. Still adjusting but I did move to a different country and a city where I knew no-one. Been feeling off and dizzy since. Maybe whatever I had/have just made me a little crazy.

Hugo Stiglitz

Work **** has me down and anxious. Man I wish things would change soon.

Have my clinic on Thursday too. As per usual I doubt I'll be able to tell how I truly am when there.

How was the weekend for y'all?

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Clinic? Is that Counselling Hugo? How are you finding the tasks in the new role?

Sertraline is working away for me. Had a family emergency again this weekend and I found myself calm enough for it.

Hope everything is ok there now Shezer.

It's a clinic where I meet with my psychiatrist. I do it every few months.

fiftythree

first just want to genuinely thank all of you
for this thread. have just joined boards after reading a few of the threads on this topic.
you sound like lovely people . can totally relate to handbag about the lack of sleep...
I haven't read the whole thread, it is very long, but hugo sounds like a lovely guy and good luck next Thursday hugo.
hope the session goes well.
kronsington you sound like you are going through an awful time,
many others I would like to comment on and say thanks for sharing but hopefully
I will stay on here and get a chance.
I have quite the pattern, off and on line, of getting to know people up to a point
but then getting, I don't know, maybe scared of getting to know people too well.
that's why I decided to post online.
you guys seem like a lovely collection of people, really understanding and
I hugely admire what you're doing.
trying to get on with life and enjoy it despite your barins sometimes telling you
to retreat back into negativity etc.
suppose I have posted here eventually because I feel I am at a bit of a crossroads.
can relate to most if not all in this thread. feelings of depression, anxiety,self doubt.
it has always been there. to a greater or lesser extent.
the greater would be not even interecting with another human for years, 3 years was my "record" I think,
ok, apart from going to the the shop etc, I cut off meaningful human interaction completely.
other times I can be carefree, happy go lucky guy everyone wants to be around.
ok im not going to go on longer this is already long, but I just had a particularly rough year or two and to let you know you guys helped me through, whether you liked it or not!
sometimes just reading posts and feeling some kind of
thing in common saved me.
so thanks guys!i would love to post here regularly if that is ok.
bit shy though so could take me a while.

alaskayoung

fiftythree wrote: »

first just want to genuinely thank all of you
for this thread. have just joined boards after reading a few of the threads on this topic.
you sound like lovely people . can totally relate to handbag about the lack of sleep...
I haven't read the whole thread, it is very long, but hugo sounds like a lovely guy and good luck next Thursday hugo.
hope the session goes well.
kronsington you sound like you are going through an awful time,
many others I would like to comment on and say thanks for sharing but hopefully
I will stay on here and get a chance.
I have quite the pattern, off and on line, of getting to know people up to a point
but then getting, I don't know, maybe scared of getting to know people too well.
that's why I decided to post online.
you guys seem like a lovely collection of people, really understanding and
I hugely admire what you're doing.
trying to get on with life and enjoy it despite your barins sometimes telling you
to retreat back into negativity etc.
suppose I have posted here eventually because I feel I am at a bit of a crossroads.
can relate to most if not all in this thread. feelings of depression, anxiety,self doubt.
it has always been there. to a greater or lesser extent.
the greater would be not even interecting with another human for years, 3 years was my "record" I think,
ok, apart from going to the the shop etc, I cut off meaningful human interaction completely.
other times I can be carefree, happy go lucky guy everyone wants to be around.
ok im not going to go on longer this is already long, but I just had a particularly rough year or two and to let you know you guys helped me through, whether you liked it or not!
sometimes just reading posts and feeling some kind of
thing in common saved me.
so thanks guys!i would love to post here regularly if that is ok.
bit shy though so could take me a while.

Welcome, fiftythree! When you look around, it can feel like you are so alone in going through things like this, it can be such a relief to be able to relate to what others are saying. Hope you're doing okay!

Don't be shy, we're all mad here

stinkle

HI fiftythree I totally know what you mean about being scared to know people too well. I often get this feeling of not belonging and have had experiences where I've been excluded/bullied so I think that's shaped how I act a bit.

Bleh, am not great today, BUT due to being more mindful and just aware of things I know to go easy on myself cos a) I have a cold and toothache b) hormones and c) there's been a lot of socialising lately among my family and friends and I know that not feeling great is par for the course of late nights etc and just accept where I am today.

I'm moving abroad in a couple of weeks now. I was doing ok up until today but am getting very scared and emotional now. I'm a bit dramatic/sentimental and am thinking stuff like "this is my last time doing ___" or "last chance to do ___". Is this normal feelings for anyone who's moved away? Doesnt have to be folk who've moved far, I'm mostly sad that I'm leaving my nice home - I've spent so much time here and it's a happy safe place that I'll miss. These last weeks of not being in work have been great as I've been able to chill and suit myself with lots of things.

These next few weeks are full of obligations - nice ones like meeting up with friends. Also stuff like packing etc is a stress. But I'm getting there. Today I did manage to start serious packing and it helps cos there's too much stuff!

Had a cry mid-type there. gonna go out for fresh air which I wasnt up to before posting. Thanks for reading.

fiftythree

thanks alaskayoung, yes it is nice to know it's fairly normal to not be coping well with things.
sometimes looking around the world it seems that everyone is doing fine and all is well with them.
Makes me feel really abnormal and that I have failed in the opportunity that is life that was given to me.
but everyone has troubles and a lot of the time they just don't show it in public.
i'm a bit mad too most of the time so i have come to the right place!

really hope your move goes well stinkle.
let us know how you get on and though it can be stressful try to look on it as a fun new period of change in your life.
I have moved around a lot, never went far, always lived in Ireland and the UK.
Yes I often do think that this could be my last chance.But then I remember back to the last time i thought it
was my last chance and it turns out i was wrong!
I'm also packing today, I am extremely worked up and anxious about it, moving I mean.
I leave tomorrow. Starting(Restarting) a new course. I had started it before and was loving it
and doing well, meeting new nice people, gradually felt I was rejoining the world again.
A few things went wrong and I became unable to function at all.
Think I had some kind of a breakdown, Im not sure.
Basically I just let everything pile up. Stopped going to my course, let rent, bills, loan payments build up.
I had to stop interacting with people completely, I'd be sweating buckets and shaking any time I got near a human.
Got into a very low period that has lasted a long time.
Pretty much lost touch with everyone I knew except some family.
Tried going to doctors and counsellors, I think I didn't approach it in the right way but I wasn't thinking straight.
Kept thinking in such a short term way, like I need to get better and my life sorted out NOW and not over a long period.
Didn't really benefit from the counselling and I kept having weird side effects with medication and having to switch
so I just thought this will take ages, months,years,and I'll probably feel better normally by then.

Anyway, sorry about the long post again.
Better get back to packing and thinking about rejoining the world again.
Excited and nervous as hell about it, simultaneously. Like what if I can't cope again.
Hope you are all doing ok today.
Thanks for reading my rant!
53

stinkle

Hope your packing goes well!!! I think its the type of activity that's always stressful, even going on hols nowadays, between weight restrictions and not being able to bring liquids etc its got a lot of negativity associated with it before you even begin!

Good luck with the move, and remember that you arent the only one struggling. It's so easy to let stuff pile up-if I didnt have certain people in my life I'd be much worse than I am I'd say. That's why moving alone for a bit fills me with dread. Will I cope? What if I have a negative experience? What if I need to talk to somone but time difference/busyness/my own pride stops me?

Thanks for the support too. I went out for some air and that was good to not be cooped up inside. then I got email from old job - grrr but I just had to review some stuff I was working on jointly and my contribution was stupid things like correcting typos, nothing too taxing. Am in a good mood now it's done as it means closure with that too, yay. I did get stuck in a loop there of thinking about some of the negativity associated with that job, but just got on with reading what I had to read.

This general anxious feeling has stayed all day. I'm gonna book yoga tomorrow now that I'm able to do that again. It's a great help. Earlier today though the thought of booking a class filled me with dread - almost like another obligation.

fiftythree

That's a good idea stinkle, I'm going out for a walk after posting this to get some fresh air.
Lot of stuff here in my place I have to dump/throw out tonight too before I move tomorrow so I will do that on the way.
Those negative thoughts will creep in alright, the what ifs, what if things don't go well. I get plagued by those thoughts.
Can you actively try to just push the negative thoughts away when they happen?
And focus on the potentially brilliant and life changing aspects of a move.
New people, new experiences, maybe even getting to know yourself better.
Even overcoming the worry of it and having decided initially to change your life is pretty brave and positive I think.
I'm lucky in that I don't have far to go, few hours on a bus or train, and I don't have a lot of stuff to move.
Different story if flights and time difference is involved. Takes lots more planning.
But you seem to be preparing well in advance so sounds good.
Those people who care and that you can rely on are still there, that hasn't changed.
May be slightly more awkward with the distance but they will still be behind you and supporting you.
Time difference and distance can be worked around, would you maybe book a flight back for sometime a few months down the line
or even arrange for some people you know to go visit you so you have a definite time you know you will be reunited?
Ok I am off for that walk now before it gets dark, get some air and clear my head some.

fr336

I feel so ill from anxiety. Exhausted yet not able to sleep. Can't think straight. It's all consuming and so I can't even use anything for escapism. I think the shallow breathing is the root to most of it..ok maybe root is the wrong word, but basically deep breaths act as some sort of relief for a millisecond or so.

I know I can turn this around quickly though...or do I. Scary times

As for my family, they've made themselves disownable after this Good riddance..I'll remember every detail regarding their activity at this time when I'm rich and famous Of course when the boot is on the other foot it'll be all stations calling, end of the world stuff. Utter ****bags.

You can probably tell I'm a bit of a fighter.

alaskayoung

Missed school again today because of this ****. I really really hope that going back wasn't a huge mistake. I can already see the same patterns forming. If I waste my parents money I'm going to feel so incredibly guilty. My doctor recommended at the start of the year to take the year out and try to get better. At the time I thought she was insane but now I'm starting to wonder.. Feel so helpless

Sitting in bed basically all day, as pathetic as it sounds, so decided to go for a walk to clear my head. Even though it's what most people recommend, it nearly always brings on major anxiety for me these days. I don't think being alone with my thoughts and no distractions for that long is a good idea anymore. Nearly had another panic attack in the same place as last time. Just walking past there brings on horrible memories, I think I'll avoid it from now on.

Regret not being honest with my parents from the beginning so much. There is so much going on and they have no idea. As far as they know I'm just a moody teenager, not that that's untrue. I have no idea how I'd even begin to tell them. I've let it go too far, all the secrets would break their hearts. I really wish I could start the medication the doctor prescribed me but there is no way I can while my parents are in the dark. I really think it'd help. I was hoping everything would just go away but it's just getting worse and worse. There are moments when I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't even feel like the primary force in control of my own head anymore.

Starting therapy this week so hopefully finally talking to someone properly will help. I just don't know anymore.
Sorry for all the negativity, I know many people have it way worse than me. It helps typing it out though, clears my head. Hope everyone's okay.

Roquentin

Call Me Jimmy

I went for therapy as a teenager and made a mistake of not putting complete faith it. Just try keeping in mind that it is possible that you could completely overcome this problem and lead a full healthy life. The thing about it is some patterns inside yourself have to be tweaked and it's not necessarily comfortable or easy to accept. If you had a half decent childhood think about the way you effortlessly approached the world and that that is possible as an adult, a deep immersion in life and relationships again.

Just keep it in mind. It's not a passive exercise. The more you do with an honest effort and attitude the more you'll be free. Think of coming out the other side of this and walking into freedom.

Don't mean to be preachy but I was basically writing to my younger self, I hope it goes well for you.

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Savage palpitations. Coffee and tea are suspects. Gives me a sick, pit of my stomach anxiety feeling.

Hope it passes soon Shezer.

CZ 453

Thanks Hugo. You'd never run down to MacDonalds there and Get me a large chocolate milkshake??? :P

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Thanks Hugo. You'd never run down to MacDonalds there and Get me a large chocolate milkshake??? :P

I don't think they do milkshakes at this hour alas!

fiftythree

They're wise words from call me jimmy. Getting things straight does require a lot of input from yourself no matter how much help you get.
I'm going to attempt tomorrow to get back into the world again, been over a year and a half now since i retreated into a bad state.
I have to move. Been various different places over the last while. None of them very stable so that's why I moved a lot.
Went for a walk this evening after I packed up most of my stuff, which was very little.
Kept flipping between two states, one of panic, fear and worry that I would fail again.
Felt it hard to breathe and had a feeling of paranoia
The other state was approaching happiness and anticipation. Looking forward to the process of starting digging out of this hole.
Had a bag of chips on a bench and watched pigeons walk about for a while and that amused me.
I'm not too bad now, going to relax and have a beer or two and watch the internet for a while. Not been sleeping til all hours of late.
Hopefully I'll be able to get up and out tomorrow and start patching the old life up.
The alternative isn't any good. Easy to fall back into disconnect and reclusive ways but I'll regret it in the long run.
Hope you're all doing ok out there, best of luck to you all.

handbagmad

shezer wrote: »

Thanks Hugo. You'd never run down to MacDonalds there and Get me a large chocolate milkshake??? :P

Damn you friend, I know want a choco milkshake, or fudge sundae!
:-)

fiftythree

handbagmad wrote: »

Damn you friend, I know want a choco milkshake, or fudge sundae!
:-)

Do they still do the double quarter pounders with cheese?

CZ 453

handbagmad wrote: »

Damn you friend, I know want a choco milkshake, or fudge sundae!
:-)

Chocolate Sundae? Yes please handbagmad.

handbagmad

fiftythree wrote: »

Do they still do the double quarter pounders with cheese?

Ah God... *drools.,.. I don't know but id eat that now,

fiftythree

I suspect shezer is an advertising rep for mc d's. He's got us all craving now. thanks shezer.

fiftythree

shezer wrote: »

In recent times,since I started the sertraline, I have been finding myself make a lot of late evening visits to the local Mac Ds for ice cream and tea. Apologies for the temptation. I didn't get my fix tonight.

It isnn't the temptation I am concerned about it's the lack of a local mcdonalds within which to give in to it.
Have to find a new place to stay starting to look tomorrow so I must have a late night takeaway or 24 hr shop nearby.
Hope that sertraline works out for you, are you long on it?
I have gone through a few of them, a/d's, but am on nothing at the moment. Not sure if I am better or worse off. Thinking of trying meds again.
Great help you were, thanks! I am always up late and keep forgetting to ensure there is a late night shop or eatery within walking distance so that just bubbled up to the top of my criteria list.

fiftythree

shezer wrote: »

In recent times,since I started the sertraline, I have been finding myself make a lot of late evening visits to the local Mac Ds for ice cream and tea. Apologies for the temptation. I didn't get my fix tonight.

It isn't the temptation I am concerned about it's the lack of a local mcdonalds within which to give in to it.
Have to find a new place to stay starting to look tomorrow so I must have a late night takeaway or 24 hr shop nearby.
Hope that sertraline works out for you, are you long on it?
I have gone through a few of them, a/d's, but am on nothing at the moment. Not sure if I am better or worse off. Thinking of trying meds again.
Great help you were, thanks! I am always up late and keep forgetting to ensure there is a late night shop or eatery within walking distance so that just bubbled up to the top of my criteria list.

Esel

handbagmad wrote: »

Damn you friend, I know want a choco milkshake, or fudge sundae!
:-)

Delayed gratification is good for character-building e.g. I will give myself that reward later.

Dislocation of expectation, otoh... While being able to overcome this is a great trait to have, it takes a lot more willpower. You expect something at some particular point, and have been gearing yourself to get to that point. When you get there, however, the 'thing' is not there. You realise that it has moved, and summoning your internal reserves to keep going to the new target is very hard. If giving up at this point is possible, a lot of people do give up. Getting back up and struggling on (when you feel totally exhausted and had paced yourself to do all that was required) is what you have to do.

Example: My car runs out of fuel in a very dry, remote, unpopulated area. I have not seen another car or dwelling all day. A sign says "Petrol/diesel 15 miles ahead". I get my empty fuel can and start walking, pacing myself for that distance. When I finally get around the last bend, the station is closed and obviously abandoned. Wtf?

However, I see an obviously newer sign that says "New station, open 24 hours, 5 miles ahead". Do I give up at that point and hope that help will somehow appear, or do I steel myself and keep going even though I feel totally fcuked? It is a life-changing question.

Expect gratification, but always be prepared for it to be delayed just a little bit more.

tl/dr Get back up; keep moving forward. The reward is ahead. You just have to keep going.

mtl/dr Life is hard. If milkshakes and sundaes are off the menu now, they will be available later.

Killer_banana

I was meant to have my first counseling appointment today but I worked 10 and a half hours yesterday and first counsellor meetings (at least in my experience) are quite instense and just don't feel up to it. Have rebooked (only available slot is close to the end of next month) so back to waiting. I really wouldn't be able to handle today though, I'm exhausted and have a close shift at work today. Seeing GP either tomorrow or Thursday though so that's something. The counseling place does a drop in service so if I have major crash I can always attend that.

fr336

Esel wrote: »

Delayed gratification is good for character-building e.g. I will give myself that reward later.

Dislocation of expectation, otoh... While being able to overcome this is a great trait to have, it takes a lot more willpower. You expect something at some particular point, and have been gearing yourself to get to that point. When you get there, however, the 'thing' is not there. You realise that it has moved, and summoning your internal reserves to keep going to the new target is very hard. If giving up at this point is possible, a lot of people do give up. Getting back up and struggling on (when you feel totally exhausted and had paced yourself to do all that was required) is what you have to do.

Example: My car runs out of fuel in a very dry, remote, unpopulated area. I have not seen another car or dwelling all day. A sign says "Petrol/diesel 15 miles ahead". I get my empty fuel can and start walking, pacing myself for that distance. When I finally get around the last bend, the station is closed and obviously abandoned. Wtf?

However, I see an obviously newer sign that says "New station, open 24 hours, 5 miles ahead". Do I give up at that point and hope that help will somehow appear, or do I steel myself and keep going even though I feel totally fcuked? It is a life-changing question.

Expect gratification, but always be prepared for it to be delayed just a little bit more.

tl/dr Get back up; keep moving forward. The reward is ahead. You just have to keep going.

mtl/dr Life is hard. If milkshakes and sundaes are off the menu now, they will be available later.

This is my favourite post on Boards.

stinkle

ah thats good they have a drop in and you have your gps appointment too. I agree that it can be intense the first time, maybe wise of you to put it off till your in better frame of mind.

Stupid warm night made it hard to sleep, i was tired but found it hard to dose off. Headcold is a nuisance too! I got up and cleared out more stuff today so that's a good feeling. I'll do more later, meeting some lovely friends for tea soon. It feels good to have done something, and I am more active in the morning.

Stupid old job are still hassling me over the project - im actually really annoyed now as lots of y contributuion is being undermined. I spent loads of time writing for this and one of the bullies has cut my work and then tried to talk down to me as to why that was done. My blood pressure was going up I can tell you. I hate confrontation, but I did manage to write a stern email pointing out that I know my work inside out and my contribution needs to be included. This is someone who works on something totally different telling me how to do my job. Very annoying but I'm proud I'm not taking any crap. Rant over!

cloud493

I keep feeling like I'm gonna faint, I'm very weak today, dont know why.

kronsington

cloud493 wrote: »

I keep feeling like I'm gonna faint, I'm very weak today, dont know why.

I have this every now and again... Real light headedness, dizziness... Not so bad recently... I also have this thing where I sometimes lose all train of thought of something I was about to do or say, or had just done or said.. In fact, right now, my brain was two steps ahead if that last sentence and now I forget my next point.. Trying to control a racing mind appears to take a lot of work and patience.