Being approached in the pub when you don't want to be

kylith

Morag wrote: »

Why should we have to go to a gay bar?

Because we should only be in public if we're actively looking for male attention. If we're in a relationship, gay, or just not looking at the moment we should hide away so that men can be sure that the only women they'll come across are actively seeking male companionship and therefore they won't have to develop rudimentary social skills such as knowing when to leave someone alone.

meeeeh

Now to be fair it is a "public" house, so if you hate to be approached there then maybe you shouldn't go to a pub. People are not mind readers to know that somebody has a boyfriend/girlfriend, doesn't want to talk to anybody else or whatever. The problem is when they won't take a hint that they are not welcome.

iwantmydinner

meeeeh wrote: »

Now to be fair it is a "public" house, so if you hate to be approached there then maybe you shouldn't go to a pub. People are not mind readers to know that somebody has a boyfriend/girlfriend, doesn't want to talk to anybody else or whatever. The problem is when they won't take a hint that they are not welcome.

These are the cases that this thread is discussing!

meeeeh

Realy? Because this very much sounds to me as talking about everybody.

kylith wrote: »

Because we should only be in public if we're actively looking for male attention. If we're in a relationship, gay, or just not looking at the moment we should hide away so that men can be sure that the only women they'll come across are actively seeking male companionship and therefore they won't have to develop rudimentary social skills such as knowing when to leave someone alone.

And btw idiot approaching you will be annoying in any circumstances, weather you are looking for someone or not. So I don't know why then it has to apply only to the situations when you are having private conversation with someone.

iwantmydinner

meeeeh wrote: »

Realy? Because this very much sounds to me as talking about everybody.

Eh, I'm open to correction, but I'm fairly certain that was sarcastic...

meeeeh

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Eh, I'm open to correction, but I'm fairly certain that was sarcastic...

Oh thank you, I really didn't understand that.

Oh and that was sarcasm too. Just to be sure.

kylith

meeeeh wrote: »

Realy? Because this very much sounds to me as talking about everybody.

You'll notice that that's me being sarky to Listermint who seems to think that if we don't want male attention we should go to gay bars. The only possible reason I can think of for someone to suggest that is what I posted; that he doesn't want to have to learn the difference between someone who is open to advances and someone who isn't.

iwantmydinner

meeeeh wrote: »

Oh thank you, I really didn't understand that.

Oh and that was sarcasm too. Just to be sure.

Ok, now I'm just confused.

old hippy

listermint wrote: »

I suppose if you are just out looking to catch up and have a drink with a friend, choose the venue correctly. Maybe a gay bar ? stress free ?

My problem with this suggestion would be why on earth can't women drink where they want without fear of unwanted attention?

meeeeh

kylith wrote: »

You'll notice that that's me being sarky to Listermint who seems to think that if we don't want male attention we should go to gay bars. The only possible reason I can think of for someone to suggest that is what I posted; that he doesn't want to have to learn the difference between someone who is open to advances and someone who isn't.

I know that and it's ridiculous expectation.

My point though is that it doesn't really matter if you are 'looking' or not, people should take a hint when you are not interested. What OP explained is not annoying because it was done while they had private conversation but because it was annoying anyway.

But I am glad that people still approach others in the pub even though they sometimes interrupt private conversation. It's what they do later that matters.

old hippy

kylith wrote: »

Really? I always thought it was very much people's Local. This is a few years back though, so maybe it's changed.

Grogan's. Ah, that takes me back. I remember 20 years ago being approached by a drunk/merry but not annoying lady. I was a bit drunk/merry myself, so I didn't mind the attention. Ended up being an enjoyable night.

Amirani

Faith wrote: »

I've point blank told guys that I'm in a long term relationship and they either don't believe me, or say I obviously need someone better :mad:.

If a guy is chatting up your friend and you try to get rid of him, often enough guys get aggressive and insulting to the 'cockblocking' girl.

For what it's worth too, it's not just Irish men who do this. It's men from all over the world.

I've been out with female friends of mine when similar has happened to them. Them saying "you could do so much better" is a really insulting thing to say to someone in my opinion, yet some people seem to think they're giving a compliment.

The cockblocking accusations are common also, and also very annoying (Yeah, you're going to improve your chances by having a go at the person's mate ). I don't know why some people can't just accept no for an answer. I've been in a couple of situations where myself or another in a group has had to intervene to tell someone to get lost.

cantdecide

If your politeness and patience with an unwelcome interloper is at an end and it becomes appropriate to tell them get lost, just tell them get lost and let them think what they want of you. If they continue to bug you, call a bouncer.

Everyone will be approached by someone in some setting whether male or female, gay or straight, sober or drunk whereby they won't take a hint and fcuk off. This can happen any of us any time we walk outside the door. I don't think there are many ways of playing it other than the ones that have been mentioned already.

bur

Thinly veiled - 'i'm so hot i can't go anywhere without being hit on' - thread.

Wibbs

bur, if that's your quality of input to this thread, don't post in it again. Next time it'll be a ban.

Meangadh

bur wrote: »

Thinly veiled - 'i'm so hot i can't go anywhere without being hit on' - thread.

I don't like using this guy but: :rolleyes:

You know that's not what this thread is about.

pharmaton

listermint wrote: »

I suppose if you are just out looking to catch up and have a drink with a friend, choose the venue correctly. Maybe a gay bar ? stress free ?

if they don't mind other women hitting on them I suppose (although then it might be "why can't I go to a gay bar without getting hit on by gay women" thread.)

Morag

Are you kidding me, there are issues when straight women go to a gay bar to not be bothered by men. They do get hassled and get asked why are they there.

I should be able to go out to a pub and spend time with friends with out arseholes interupting me.

Shane732

Could the two of you have sat at a table?

What type of pub was it?

How about ... guys who do this just stop acting like assholes instead of everyone telling women to hide away or go to tables or gay bars or the rest of it
Jaysus

pharmaton

solution. now to put out an apb.

rainbowtrout

Shane732 wrote: »

Could the two of you have sat at a table?

Why should they have to?
It's all very well some guy coming over to a couple of women trying to initiate conversation etc, but if they are not engaging with him, he should take the hint and leave them alone, particularly when, in my experience it starts off polite, where I will answer whatever question I'm asked but then turn back to my conversation with my friend, and they will persist to the point where you have to tell them to leave you alone or fcuk off if the harassment gets really bad and then you are likely to get a tirade of abuse of the type 'you think your better than me you fat/ugly/lesbian/bitch'* *delete as appropriate or insert other random insult.

If I want to stand at a bar with my friends I should be able to, and if a guy comes over and is told 'not interested' he should leave us alone. We shouldn't have to hide in a corner just because we're not out on the pull.

pharmaton

I find shaving your head works quite effectively, combined with a multitude of piercings a bullring and some fcuk off facial tattoos.

cantdecide

bluewolf wrote: »

How about ... guys who do this just stop acting like assholes instead of everyone telling women to hide away or go to tables or gay bars or the rest of it
Jaysus

Right, we'll go ahead with that so.

Lucyfur

Edit;

Warning for Pharmaton removed as I posted in haste

pharmaton

true, it's what I did and it works very well. I generally don't get approached by strangers at all.

pharmaton

I'm actually serious.

jill_valentine

It happens a lot and it is very frustrating. I have to confess, there have been occasions when I haven't had the energy to run the "I was only being nice to you bitch" gauntlet, so the odd time, I've made excuses and just left or moved.

A Brad Maddox Guy

I'm a guy who's not great at reading people. Sometimes I've thought a girl was interested when she was just being friendly and vice versa. Granted I'm not exactly the type you're all discussing since I don't get hammered and pester random girls on nights out. But the point is we're not all great and picking up on hints. So my suggestion would be if the guy is polite be polite back (I know most are saying you do this anyway) then if he isn't picking up hints be more blunt, tell them they're a nice guy but you're not interested and you'd appreciate if they'd leave you alone/with your friends. If they react badly and think you're a stuck up bitch then so what, chances are they're actually a dickhead so their opinion of you shouldn't affect you in the slightest. That's how I would look at it if the roles were reversed anyway.

hatrickpatrick

To play devil's advocate here, one problem is that sometimes the "hints" are practically non existent, and then you also have complete eejits like a good friend of mine who play by the old fashioned "pretend to have no interest in a guy I like so he'll chase me" cliche. She's made very obvious "I'm not interested" signals to guys she likes and then afterwards dejectedly talked to me about how they've lost interest and were did it all go wrong...

The truth is that for various reasons a lot of Irish people have pretty bad social skills, whether that means being able to see the signs that someone isn't interested or making it obvious that you're not interested, it's something I've found a lot of Irish people find awkward. Then add to this that guys see all that "the rules" garbage which implies that women who reject you secretly want you to keep trying, and you have a recipe for complete disaster. This is something which pervades all of Irish society, not just hooking up, and I only realised how backwards it was after spending some time abroad and then having some American friends tell me they found "the Irish mating dance" to be the most bizarre thing they'd ever experienced, after living here a few months (couple of guys, couple of girls, they all found it weird)

No idea what the solution is but it's definitely a wider societal issue than just the scenario of unwanted attention in the pub, it's a general awkwardness which seems to come with the territory.

I met an Austrian girl in a club a few months ago and it was only after she kissed me that she realised I hadn't been drinking at all, she had been living here for three months and said I was the first Irish guy who'd ever had a proper chat with her in a club without having to be completely plastered flrst to work up the nerve - if that is indeed where we're at as a country, it's kinda sad.