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Coming out or not when I'm visiting apartments

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  • 03-03-2013 2:53am
    #1
    deuve82
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭


    (still improving my english, sorry for my mistakes!)

    So, this is my current situation: I'm looking for a room in a shared apartment. Three weeks ago I found the perfect one: city centre, affordable, renovated and big. I did the first visit only with the landlord and everything was fine, but I asked him to come back again to meet with my future flatmates. I visited them the next morning and we had a really nice chat, almost an hour, about our ways of sharing and all the usual stuff. All was perfect and it looked that I was inside. I was absolutely happy. Being polite, I decided to text them afterwards: "Thanks again for your time, you're so nice! One last thing: as I already said, I prefer to be honest, so I think I should say to you that I'm gay. I hope it won't be a problem. See you soon!". And their answer, about 20min later: "To be honest, it could be a problem".

    I'm still shocked. This is the hugest discrimination thing that I've had in the last 4 years and the first and the only one here in Dublin. I still don't know so much about how the things are working here, so I'd like to have your opinions. Should I say that I'm gay when I'm visiting an apartment? Or should I run the risk and go inside an apartment without saying a word about my business?

    Thanks, guys!


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    #2
    jaffacakesyum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 ✭✭✭jaffacakesyum


    Jesus, that's fúcking shocking :mad: :( Needless to say, I'd stay far away from that apartment again. I wouldn't have thought you'd have to say that when you're viewing apartments but it just goes to show you should, in my opinion. The risk you run is if you say nothing and then later realise they are homophobic you have to live there for another 6 months or a year, whatever the lease is, and either have to hide yourself completely or potentially deal with abuse from bein gay.


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    #3
    jaffacakesyum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 ✭✭✭jaffacakesyum


    Also it might be worth telling the landlord? Not in a "running to tell my mammy so she can set them straight" kind of way, but just so he/she's aware of what the roommates in that apartment are like.


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    #4
    oisindoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 899 ✭✭✭oisindoyle


    Your sexuality is YOUR business no one elses.
    If you go to an apartment and you like it go for it ,move in .Over time you can IF YOU WISH tell people you are gay,but it's no ones business.
    I fail to see why you txtd those people to tell them you were gay.Would a "straight" person do the same and say "oh by the way I'm straight"?
    I think not.........


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    #5
    Walker77
    Closed Accounts Posts: 93 ✭✭Walker77


    deuve82 wrote: »
    (still improving my english, sorry for my mistakes!)

    So, this is my current situation: I'm looking for a room in a shared apartment. Three weeks ago I found the perfect one: city centre, affordable, renovated and big. I did the first visit only with the landlord and everything was fine, but I asked him to come back again to meet with my future flatmates. I visited them the next morning and we had a really nice chat, almost an hour, about our ways of sharing and all the usual stuff. All was perfect and it looked that I was inside. I was absolutely happy. Being polite, I decided to text them afterwards: "Thanks again for your time, you're so nice! One last thing: as I already said, I prefer to be honest, so I think I should say to you that I'm gay. I hope it won't be a problem. See you soon!". And their answer, about 20min later: "To be honest, it could be a problem".

    I'm still shocked. This is the hugest discrimination thing that I've had in the last 4 years and the first and the only one here in Dublin. I still don't know so much about how the things are working here, so I'd like to have your opinions. Should I say that I'm gay when I'm visiting an apartment? Or should I run the risk and go inside an apartment without saying a word about my business?

    Thanks, guys!

    I think you were way too nice to tell them this. I rented in the past and told no one my story. I'd say in my case some people may have worked it out. Come and live with me!!!!!! only kidding good luck with finding a place.


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    #6
    jaffacakesyum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 ✭✭✭jaffacakesyum


    oisindoyle wrote: »
    Your sexuality is YOUR business no one elses.
    If you go to an apartment and you like it go for it ,move in .Over time you can IF YOU WISH tell people you are gay,but it's no ones business.
    I fail to see why you txtd those people to tell them you were gay.Would a "straight" person do the same and say "oh by the way I'm straight"?
    I think not.........

    Unfortunately, a person shouldn't HAVE to inform others they are gay; it's their own business, no one elses. But if the OP hadn't said anything in the situation above and thought the roommates seemed sound, loved the apartment, moved in and then down the line brought a fella home or a boyfriend, things could get nasty for the OP.

    It could be anything from the roommates simply ignoring it, whle secretly not being happy with a homosexual living with them, to personal and physical abuse. It's not something anyone wants to put up with in their own living space.


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    #7
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    To be honest, and i dont know if ye only want pro homosexual views here, but I can see and understand if someone doesnt want homosexual activities going on under the same roof as them. I wouldnt want it in the house im living in, i wouldnt be comfortable with that situation. I think thats fair. And you made the right choice telling them before you moved in.


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    #8
    The Big Red Button
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,390 ✭✭✭The Big Red Button


    tunedout wrote: »
    To be honest, and i dont know if ye only want pro homosexual views here, but I can see and understand if someone doesnt want homosexual activities going on under the same roof as them. I wouldnt want it in the house im living in, i wouldnt be comfortable with that situation. I think thats fair. And you made the right choice telling them before you moved in.

    Errm ... if you're not involved in whatever sexual activities are going on, and if they don't affect you in any way, then why the hell does it matter to you what your housemates do in their own rooms?! Even if it is 'under the same roof', it's none of your concern!

    And I'm not 'pro homosexual' (whatever that means), but I am in favour of equality.


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    #9
    Awake&Unafraid
    Registered Users Posts: 96 ✭✭Awake&Unafraid


    tunedout wrote: »
    To be honest, and i dont know if ye only want pro homosexual views here, but I can see and understand if someone doesnt want homosexual activities going on under the same roof as them. I wouldnt want it in the house im living in, i wouldnt be comfortable with that situation. I think thats fair. And you made the right choice telling them before you moved in.
    You would be ok with heterosexual activities going on though? I'm assuming you would or else you would have said sexual activities in general. Then how on earth is that in any way fair at all?


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    #10
    oisindoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 899 ✭✭✭oisindoyle


    jaffacakesyum wrote: »
    Unfortunately, a person shouldn't HAVE to inform others they are gay; it's their own business, no one elses. But if the OP hadn't said anything in the situation above and thought the roommates seemed sound, loved the apartment, moved in and then down the line brought a fella home or a boyfriend, things could get nasty for the OP. .
    Nasty ? Like what ??? Thnik you are a bit extreme in your thoughts
    jaffacakesyum wrote: »
    It could be anything from the roommates simply ignoring it, whle secretly not being happy with a homosexual living with them,.
    Well that's THEIR problem and ignorance
    jaffacakesyum wrote: »
    to personal and physical abuse.

    Oh for Gods sake ,,!!!!


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    #11
    oisindoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 899 ✭✭✭oisindoyle


    tunedout wrote: »
    To be honest, and i dont know if ye only want pro homosexual views here, but I can see and understand if someone doesnt want homosexual activities going on under the same roof as them. I wouldnt want it in the house im living in, i wouldnt be comfortable with that situation. I think thats fair. And you made the right choice telling them before you moved in.


    Congratulations.
    Nice to see homophobia is alive and well


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    #12
    BuffyBot
    Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭BuffyBot


    Oh for Gods sake ,,!!!!

    It's rare, but hardly unknown, so I'm not sure why you're shouting the poster down. You simply never know how someone might react, no matter how normal they might seem up until then.


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    #13
    jaffacakesyum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 ✭✭✭jaffacakesyum


    oisindoyle wrote: »
    Nasty ? Like what ??? Thnik you are a bit extreme in your thoughts


    Well that's THEIR problem and ignorance



    Oh for Gods sake ,,!!!!

    Yes it is THEIR problem and THEIR ignorance. But it becomes YOUR problem if you're living under the same roof as them. That's fine if you have no problem living with homophobes; I would.

    And just lovely that you deny the possibility that anyone in the world gets personal or physical abuse because of their sexuality. If someone is clearly homophobic and doesn't want homosexuals living in the same roof as them, you can be damn sure over the years you live there that you are going to receive some sort of personal psychological abuse. Maybe you're more tough skinned than me, but I wouldn't like to be felt inferior to my own roommates because they're not comfortable with homosexuality. I've had plenty of personal abuse shouted at me, mostly in other countries as I'm not 100% out here and amn't involved in PDA here. I've never been physically assaulted for my sexuality but I have a gay mate who was attacked in city centre because of it. So it does happen.

    And point to me exactly where I said this WOULD definitely happen. I gave a range of possibilities from the slightly inconvenient to the extreme.


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    #14
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    Fluffy Bunny Rabid wrote: »

    Errm ... if you're not involved in whatever sexual activities are going on, and if they don't affect you in any way, then why the hell does it matter to you what your housemates do in their own rooms?! Even if it is 'under the same roof', it's none of your concern!

    And I'm not 'pro homosexual' (whatever that means), but I am in favour of equality.
    Is anybody here not willing to see someone elses point of view? For example, i wouldnt be comfortable sitting in the sitting room if two lads are holding hands or whatever. Also i dont want to hear homosexual noises in my house. I dont think theres anthing wrong with that.


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    #15
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    Awake&Unafraid wrote: »
    You would be ok with heterosexual activities going on though? I'm assuming you would or else you would have said sexual activities in general. Then how on earth is that in any way fair at all?
    I would be ok with heterosexual activities yes. I am heyerosexual myself. I also wouldn't have a problem if a house load of gays didn't want a steaight person staying in their house. And i would be understanding if they didnt want normal sex in their house that is fine. Does it only work one way here? I think you should respect other peoples preferences. Their house is their home and they dont want that space invaded by something their not comfortable with.


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    #16
    oisindoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 899 ✭✭✭oisindoyle


    tunedout wrote: »
    I would be ok with heterosexual activities yes. I am heyerosexual myself. I also wouldn't have a problem if a house load of gays didn't want a steaight person staying in their house. And i would be understanding if they didnt want normal sex in their house that is fine. Does it only work one way here? I think you should respect other peoples preferences. Their house is their home and they dont want that space invaded by something their not comfortable with.

    "normal sex" ?? ffs
    "I think you should respect other peoples preferences"

    Your homophobia is blinding us.


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    #17
    Lingua Franca
    Registered Users Posts: 2,800 ✭✭✭Lingua Franca


    tunedout wrote: »
    Also i dont want to hear homosexual noises in my house.



    :confused:


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    #18
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,982 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    tunedout wrote: »
    Is anybody here not willing to see someone elses point of view? For example, i wouldnt be comfortable sitting in the sitting room if two lads are holding hands or whatever. Also i dont want to hear homosexual noises in my house. I dont think theres anthing wrong with that.

    Whats a homosexual noise?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #19
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    Ok well its clear people here are blind to other peoples preferences here.I fully agree with the house for refusing if thats not what they wanted or they were not comfortable with that sort of thing.


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    #20
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    mango salsa wrote: »

    Whats a homosexual noise?
    Two lads groaning while riding each other. Thats a homosexual noise.


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    #21
    Lingua Franca
    Registered Users Posts: 2,800 ✭✭✭Lingua Franca


    Ah, you only want to hear lads groaning when they're riding women. Fair enough.


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    #22
    oisindoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 899 ✭✭✭oisindoyle


    tunedout wrote: »
    Ok well its clear people here are blind to other peoples preferences here.I fully agree with the house for refusing if thats not what they wanted or they were not comfortable with that sort of thing.

    But we can all SEE your blatant homophobia and homophobic comments


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    #23
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    If a house of gay people only want a gay tenant then im very sure everyone would be fine with that. But if a house of straight people dont want a gay person then thats discrimination. The logic is flawed.

    Gays are just as just as discrimimative as straight people.


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    #24
    Cavehill Red
    Registered Users Posts: 6,109 ✭✭✭Cavehill Red


    In an attempt to bridge the two forms of opinion expressed so far, let me offer 2c.
    This is the LGBT board. Obviously the vast majority posting here will be homosexual, and hence of the opinion that it is discriminatory for anyone not to wish to live with someone who is homosexual in their home.
    Society at large is not majority homosexual however. In fact, it is approximately 97% heterosexual, at least in Ireland. Much of that society is conservative, or religious, or both. I suspect the OP might get a more representative opinion of Irish society outside the LGBT forum. I'm not suggesting it would be necessarily less tolerant, but I suspect it might be. Plenty of people are happy for homosexual people to exist and to be happy and treated equally, without necessarily wishing to be exposed to homosexuality daily in their home.
    Personally, I wouldn't want to live anywhere I wasn't wanted, and I would feel dishonest in deliberately concealing anything this significant from those I lived with.


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    #25
    paulmorro
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭paulmorro


    tunedout wrote: »
    Ok well its clear people here are blind to other peoples preferences here.I fully agree with the house for refusing if thats not what they wanted or they were not comfortable with that sort of thing.
    Luckily equality legislation doesn't agree with you!


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    #26
    BuffyBot
    Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭BuffyBot


    tunedout wrote: »
    If a house of gay people only want a gay tenant then im very sure everyone would be fine with that. But if a house of straight people dont want a gay person then thats discrimination. The logic is flawed.

    Gays are just as just as discrimimative as straight people.

    Well, to be fair, who'd want to live with...HETEROSEXUAL NOISES!!!


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    #27
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    oisindoyle wrote: »

    But we can all SEE your blatant homophobia and homophobic comments
    How am I homophobic? I suppose the people in the house are homophobic too are they? Is not wanting to live with a gay person homophobic? If it is then,yes, I'm a homophobe.

    I dont want to live with old pensioners either, or live with a family. Does that make me an oapaphobic? Or a familyphobic.

    Ye'r all paranoid that yer being discriminated against, but yer not. People just want to live with whats most comfortable for them.


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    #28
    Cavehill Red
    Registered Users Posts: 6,109 ✭✭✭Cavehill Red


    paulmorro wrote: »
    Luckily equality legislation doesn't agree with you!

    I don't think the Equal Status Acts extend to enforcing flatmates upon people, though I stand to be corrected on that if someone cares to cite the relevant legislation.


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    #29
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    paulmorro wrote: »
    Luckily equality legislation doesn't agree with you!

    I would be surprised and disappointed if that is true


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    #30
    tunedout
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 448 ✭✭tunedout


    What I would really love to see is how many of you would honestly agree, and be comfortable with living with a traveller. I know I wouldnt, because I wouldnt be comfortable with that. But i suppose most people here would have no problem with that because they would "never" discriminate anyone based on that ground etc etc yada yada

    Too righteous, is what it is here.


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    #31
    oisindoyle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 899 ✭✭✭oisindoyle


    Cavehill Red wrote: »
    In an attempt to bridge the two forms of opinion expressed so far, let me offer 2c.
    This is the LGBT board. Obviously the vast majority posting here will be homosexual, and hence of the opinion that it is discriminatory for anyone not to wish to live with someone who is homosexual in their home..
    Well you don't have to be a "homosexual" to recognise homophobia or homophobic comments.
    Cavehill Red wrote: »
    Society at large is not majority homosexual however. In fact, it is approximately 97% heterosexual, at least in Ireland. Much of that society is conservative, or religious, or both...

    Really ? You think that .Many many opinion polls would disagree.
    Cavehill Red wrote: »
    I suspect the OP might get a more representative opinion of Irish society outside the LGBT forum. I'm not suggesting it would be necessarily less tolerant, but I suspect it might be....

    See above ,,,,,homophobia is homophobia .Saying the OP would get a more "representative opinion" of irish society outside the LGBT is quite insulting ,to LGBT people.

    Cavehill Red wrote: »
    Plenty of people are happy for homosexual people to exist and to be happy and treated equally, without necessarily wishing to be exposed to homosexuality daily in their home.
    .

    What a contradiction in terms


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