DEPRESSION SUPPORT- Anonymous posting is possible, see note in post #1.

CJA James

Dear Mike,
You have been through a lot and its good that you wrote about your experience and sense of loss. As you say you did what was right and now burdened with debt and alone. I do not farm and would not go near a family farm as too much politics. You are great and you will be ok, you need to focus on a life outside the farm, its not easy and you obviously well able and a good worker as your ability to clear your borrowings amazing, you have a lot to offer, maybe take in a young fella, free food and board to help on the farm to free up your time. I know if my son could find a place like yours it would be good for him, I think we Irish do not venture outside whats deemed to be normal. Woofers come and stay and help out but to me an Irish lad much better. Im not having a good time with my young fella, he is also lost and needs to find his place in life, you have a farm, a home and why not lease or rent it and move away again if you want to. Nothing is impossible. Never forget you can make changes, don't go down the road of pills etc, you GP at least did you that favour, talk to someone, thats your best bet and you obviouly a very bright young man with loads of ability. My own family have not been kind to me as I also live at home, its a lonely place to me, me against them, only reson they watching the family home and I must pay the price for living nearby and being the only carer. I get totally pissed off with it and I now have no siblings for that reason alone, they are all friends, I never fell out with them, I just get used to do the **** work and they can also threat me like **** and its not nice being on the outside all the time especially after doing nothing wrong. You need to live your own life and if it means leaving the farm then do so. Life is way to short Regards

CJA James

mike hilux wrote: »

Hello

Iv been reading through this post and basically wanted to put my story out there and get some opinions.

I took over the farm in the last few years from my bachelor uncle. I'm 1 of 4 nephew. The uncle never bothered with the nephews but was spoiled by his mother and sisters (being the only boy) but he was a fair man to work but he never improved the farm and ran it into high depths.

He was tough always. A real manly man and often gave me grief about my father leaving when I was young but I'd tell him that it was easy say that to me because he was scared of the other nephews fathers. His best taunts being"breeding beats feeding" and "it's easy to see why my mother left my father" I quote these so ye know it wasn't a tickling contest we fell out over.

Anyway I was always around the farm but just lifting and sweeping and chasing. No work that had any responsibility or anything and basically my mother always said not to mind him. So I went to ag college and quickly realised that farming isn't all about cleaning out calf houses so I was lost at sea. Couldn't even drive a tractor. Only knew what weeds were from all the summers out pulling them.

I went traveling after college and worked on farms around the world. Dairy in nz. Cattle ranch in USA. Got about 4 years of this done then the phone call. The uncle was on the way out. Come home for calving. I returned ASAP and it was madness. I fought with him daily over stuff like him hiding the tractor keys and I'd buy stuff for the farm and he would return it and say he never saw it.

Long story short he passed after about a year and all the family turned on me saying I put him in the grave because I wouldn't give him peace. I said to them that they weren't there and how I was the one that spent the year putting him in and out if bed each night while being told how I had left the farm go. Well I ended up with the farm while they all got money out of it. There was no money to speak of so I took on a depth of just over 100k. Iv managed to clear it after 4 years of hard graft and kept the land.

That's the back story. My problem now is that when I sit back and take stock of my situation I'm left asking why. Why did I bother.we don't speak but I see the cousins off living life going on holidays. Getting married and all that. And I'm here on the farm. I drove everyone away. I'm effectively broke financialy. I barely speak to my mother. Girlfriend left because of the hours I work. I find that the local farmers laugh at me because I'm the same age as most of their sons after a few drinks the louder of them love saying what they heard their fathers say the night before to their mother's over the dinner table.

That's my full story up to present day. My problem is that since I slowed down on the farm and started thinking iv come to really wonder where I'm going in life. Iv come to hate the farm. I'm tired of going around on my own. I find I just want to stop worrying. My ex told me I was very social and that she used to worry about me a lot because I spent so much time alone.

Iv become so lazy and I just do the bare minimum these days. I let things slide so much that sometimes it scares me. I'm so angry at the world and can go from a fit if rage to total submission crying my eyes out and then back to rage again all while just feeding a calf. The doctor told me that I'm not depressed but should seek counciling but I don't think I can let it all out face to face with someone yet hence this essay which I apologise about the length but in all honesty it does feel good to put it out there.

I suppose in a sentence. I hate my life and all about it. Am I lazy and just need to get a grip or is it something more. I need ideas or options. I'm glad to answer most questions and for more info it's all up on another tread under my name about combining sucklers and dairy.

Thanks for listening. I have no idea if I'm in the correct section or thus site so I apologise if I'm wrong

Mike

Dear Mike,
You have been through a lot and its good that you wrote about your experience and sense of loss. As you say you did what was right and now burdened with debt and alone. I do not farm and would not go near a family farm as too much politics. You are great and you will be ok, you need to focus on a life outside the farm, its not easy and you obviously well able and a good worker as your ability to clear your borrowings amazing, you have a lot to offer, maybe take in a young fella, free food and board to help on the farm to free up your time. I know if my son could find a place like yours it would be good for him, I think we Irish do not venture outside whats deemed to be normal. Woofers come and stay and help out but to me an Irish lad much better. Im not having a good time with my young fella, he is also lost and needs to find his place in life, you have a farm, a home and why not lease or rent it and move away again if you want to. Nothing is impossible. Never forget you can make changes, don't go down the road of pills etc, you GP at least did you that favour, talk to someone, thats your best bet and you obviouly a very bright young man with loads of ability. My own family have not been kind to me as I also live at home, its a lonely place to me, me against them, only reson they watching the family home and I must pay the price for living nearby and being the only carer. I get totally pissed off with it and I now have no siblings for that reason alone, they are all friends, I never fell out with them, I just get used to do the **** work and they can also threat me like **** and its not nice being on the outside all the time especially after doing nothing wrong. You need to live your own life and if it means leaving the farm then do so. Life is way to short Regards

Brown Podzol

This is a little poem I have pined to the office wall. Have to visit it sometimes. Richard Burton recites a good version on u tube.

http://youtu.be/GmHl0ZhhZLc


Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

einn32

Nice poem. I have positive sayings up on my office wall and the Seven habits of highly effective people. I often go back over them.

mike hilux

That's a lovely poem. I have one that I often repeat to myself but I don't remember the author. Is only a few lines.

"life is mostly fraught and bubble
But two things stand in stone.
Kindness in another's trouble
And courage in your own."

agriman27

A young lad the same age as myself committed suicide this week, just a few miles away, he was in the year ahead of me a school. I still can't believe it because he was the type of fella I used to envy at school ,great craic loads of friends and really outgoing personality RIP

tanko

Not far from me too, very sad event.

grazeaway

Now that we are coming up to the new year I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be honest.

Been a real slog and especially over last few weeks. Have been looking forward the Xmas as a chance to relax and try to recharge, have been running on empty for a while now but am completely exhausted today mentally and physically just can't seem to get out of the chair, need to go up to yard and clean down the passages but struggling at the mo. Will be ok just need a bit of jump start.

Working off farm for busy company so that takes up most of my day but still need to do a few bits when I get home and usually flat out over the weekends. TBH no way I could it with out the folks. Built a new house and have been trying to get it finished over the last 2 years, Sunday is really the only day I can work on it fully so it's slow going. Still loads to do but getting there bit by bit.

My wife and I have been trying for a child for a few years now and we seem further away now then ever. Been down the IVF route a few times and still no joy. She has had 2 more miscarriages this year and it's really getting her down. Well me too but I have try to keep it together for both our sakes. The toil of the meds and hormone treatments has really taken it out of her so we feel we have to stop. I was looking through the accounts the other days and the amount we have spent over the last while stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't really give a s**t about the money but it still drove home to me what we are willing to do yet seem to be getting no where, works out at a years wages.

We were going to spend christmas with our family's but to be honest we would rather not have to listen to them going on about their kids. Was looking after my niece a few weeks ago and watching the OH playing with her was fairly tough so I when out into the wood shed and broke blocks for about an hour.

Ah kettle boiled....... Nothing like a cuppa tea and a few chocolate biscuits to get me going again, now to find the wellies.

Reggie.

grazeaway wrote: »

Now that we are coming up to the new year I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be honest.

Been a real slog and especially over last few weeks. Have been looking forward the Xmas as a chance to relax and try to recharge, have been running on empty for a while now but am completely exhausted today mentally and physically just can't seem to get out of the chair, need to go up to yard and clean down the passages but struggling at the mo. Will be ok just need a bit of jump start.

Working off farm for busy company so that takes up most of my day but still need to do a few bits when I get home and usually flat out over the weekends. TBH no way I could it with out the folks. Built a new house and have been trying to get it finished over the last 2 years, Sunday is really the only day I can work on it fully so it's slow going. Still loads to do but getting there bit by bit.

My wife and I have been trying for a child for a few years now and we seem further away now then ever. Been down the IVF route a few times and still no joy. She has had 2 more miscarriages this year and it's really getting her down. Well me too but I have try to keep it together for both our sakes. The toil of the meds and hormone treatments has really taken it out of her so we feel we have to stop. I was looking through the accounts the other days and the amount we have spent over the last while stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't really give a s**t about the money but it still drove home to me what we are willing to do yet seem to be getting no where, works out at a years wages.

We were going to spend christmas with our family's but to be honest we would rather not have to listen to them going on about their kids. Was looking after my niece a few weeks ago and watching the OH playing with her was fairly tough so I when out into the wood shed and broke blocks for about an hour.

Ah kettle boiled....... Nothing like a cuppa tea and a few chocolate biscuits to get me going again, now to find the wellies.

Fair play graze. Head up and hope you have a few great relaxing days over the holidays

whelan2

grazeaway wrote: »

Now that we are coming up to the new year I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be honest.

Been a real slog and especially over last few weeks. Have been looking forward the Xmas as a chance to relax and try to recharge, have been running on empty for a while now but am completely exhausted today mentally and physically just can't seem to get out of the chair, need to go up to yard and clean down the passages but struggling at the mo. Will be ok just need a bit of jump start.

Working off farm for busy company so that takes up most of my day but still need to do a few bits when I get home and usually flat out over the weekends. TBH no way I could it with out the folks. Built a new house and have been trying to get it finished over the last 2 years, Sunday is really the only day I can work on it fully so it's slow going. Still loads to do but getting there bit by bit.

My wife and I have been trying for a child for a few years now and we seem further away now then ever. Been down the IVF route a few times and still no joy. She has had 2 more miscarriages this year and it's really getting her down. Well me too but I have try to keep it together for both our sakes. The toil of the meds and hormone treatments has really taken it out of her so we feel we have to stop. I was looking through the accounts the other days and the amount we have spent over the last while stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't really give a s**t about the money but it still drove home to me what we are willing to do yet seem to be getting no where, works out at a years wages.

We were going to spend christmas with our family's but to be honest we would rather not have to listen to them going on about their kids. Was looking after my niece a few weeks ago and watching the OH playing with her was fairly tough so I when out into the wood shed and broke blocks for about an hour.

Ah kettle boiled....... Nothing like a cuppa tea and a few chocolate biscuits to get me going again, now to find the wellies.

any chance you could get away for a break from everything for a couple of days over the christmas?

grazeaway

whelan2 wrote: »

any chance you could get away for a break from everything for a couple of days over the christmas?

Not a hope I'm afraid, we were on Hols at the end of the summer but both got food poisoning so no desire to go away and no days left till next year.

Early night I think, need to catch on on sle

mayota

grazeaway wrote: »

Now that we are coming up to the new year I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be honest.

Been a real slog and especially over last few weeks. Have been looking forward the Xmas as a chance to relax and try to recharge, have been running on empty for a while now but am completely exhausted today mentally and physically just can't seem to get out of the chair, need to go up to yard and clean down the passages but struggling at the mo. Will be ok just need a bit of jump start.

Working off farm for busy company so that takes up most of my day but still need to do a few bits when I get home and usually flat out over the weekends. TBH no way I could it with out the folks. Built a new house and have been trying to get it finished over the last 2 years, Sunday is really the only day I can work on it fully so it's slow going. Still loads to do but getting there bit by bit.

My wife and I have been trying for a child for a few years now and we seem further away now then ever. Been down the IVF route a few times and still no joy. She has had 2 more miscarriages this year and it's really getting her down. Well me too but I have try to keep it together for both our sakes. The toil of the meds and hormone treatments has really taken it out of her so we feel we have to stop. I was looking through the accounts the other days and the amount we have spent over the last while stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't really give a s**t about the money but it still drove home to me what we are willing to do yet seem to be getting no where, works out at a years wages.

We were going to spend christmas with our family's but to be honest we would rather not have to listen to them going on about their kids. Was looking after my niece a few weeks ago and watching the OH playing with her was fairly tough so I when out into the wood shed and broke blocks for about an hour.

Ah kettle boiled....... Nothing like a cuppa tea and a few chocolate biscuits to get me going again, now to find the wellies.

Hope 2015 works out well for ye.

TomOnBoard

mayota wrote: »

Hope 2015 works out well for ye.

+1

Unfortunately, hoping on its own may not be enough. You've clearly got a good insight into the stuff that's going on in your life, and from the sound of it, you're operating under terrible strain and pressure. Your wife is also clearly under pressure and having to deal with the fall-out from the meds and hormones.

I don't know if I would be able to cope with all that you've got on your plate. I would strongly recommend that you/ye talk to someone, even of only so that ye each fully understand the other one's stresses. If you had a friend that you could talk to, that would also be very helpful. I know my GP has been brilliant for me- really helped me when I felt I couldn't cope.

I'm not trying to make things more difficult for you, but I believe that you need to talk this stuff out so that it doesn't grow into you. You need to take care of yourself, so that you will be there for your wife as well.

All this stress is also likely to be hugely detrimental to your relationship, and that needs to be protected also. An earlier poster recommended taking a break and I know that you feel that would be difficult for ye. The trouble is that if ye are both operating on near empty, and don't get a chance to just simply breathe, away from the stressful environment, ye will find it hard to know how ye can support each other through all this. Even a 'date night/weekend' doing stuff that ye enjoyed before all this might help.

I wish ye both well, and hope that ye will get through this even stronger than ye were before. But take as much help as you need to make that happen.

grazeaway

TomOnBoard wrote: »

+1

Unfortunately, hoping on its own may not be enough. You've clearly got a good insight into the stuff that's going on in your life, and from the sound of it, you're operating under terrible strain and pressure. Your wife is also clearly under pressure and having to deal with the fall-out from the meds and hormones.

I don't know if I would be able to cope with all that you've got on your plate. I would strongly recommend that you/ye talk to someone, even of only so that ye each fully understand the other one's stresses. If you had a friend that you could talk to, that would also be very helpful. I know my GP has been brilliant for me- really helped me when I felt I couldn't cope.

I'm not trying to make things more difficult for you, but I believe that you need to talk this stuff out so that it doesn't grow into you. You need to take care of yourself, so that you will be there for your wife as well.

All this stress is also likely to be hugely detrimental to your relationship, and that needs to be protected also. An earlier poster recommended taking a break and I know that you feel that would be difficult for ye. The trouble is that if ye are both operating on near empty, and don't get a chance to just simply breathe, away from the stressful environment, ye will find it hard to know how ye can support each other through all this. Even a 'date night/weekend' doing stuff that ye enjoyed before all this might help.

I wish ye both well, and hope that ye will get through this even stronger than ye were before. But take as much help as you need to make that happen.

I suppose that was why I was looking forward to Xmas as it would be slight break for me at least she is working over Christmas so I'm going to see if I can ship her off for a weekend break with her sister in the new year.

Having some "me" time defo helps but it also gives me too much time to think. Her gp has been great for her as there is only so much I can do.

eric prydz

grazeaway wrote: »

Now that we are coming up to the new year I'll be glad to see the back of 2014 to be honest.

Been a real slog and especially over last few weeks. Have been looking forward the Xmas as a chance to relax and try to recharge, have been running on empty for a while now but am completely exhausted today mentally and physically just can't seem to get out of the chair, need to go up to yard and clean down the passages but struggling at the mo. Will be ok just need a bit of jump start.

Working off farm for busy company so that takes up most of my day but still need to do a few bits when I get home and usually flat out over the weekends. TBH no way I could it with out the folks. Built a new house and have been trying to get it finished over the last 2 years, Sunday is really the only day I can work on it fully so it's slow going. Still loads to do but getting there bit by bit.

My wife and I have been trying for a child for a few years now and we seem further away now then ever. Been down the IVF route a few times and still no joy. She has had 2 more miscarriages this year and it's really getting her down. Well me too but I have try to keep it together for both our sakes. The toil of the meds and hormone treatments has really taken it out of her so we feel we have to stop. I was looking through the accounts the other days and the amount we have spent over the last while stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't really give a s**t about the money but it still drove home to me what we are willing to do yet seem to be getting no where, works out at a years wages.

We were going to spend christmas with our family's but to be honest we would rather not have to listen to them going on about their kids. Was looking after my niece a few weeks ago and watching the OH playing with her was fairly tough so I when out into the wood shed and broke blocks for about an hour.

Ah kettle boiled....... Nothing like a cuppa tea and a few chocolate biscuits to get me going again, now to find the wellies.

Keep on trucking grazeaway and hopefully yourself and your wife had a good Christmas.
How did Christmas go for everyone else?
Happy new year everyone.

LegacyUser

Finding things very difficult these past few days. Had a little happiness in life before Christmas which has now gone. No stranger to the black dog they call depression. Fair able for it most times but I'm struggling today. Safe to say I feel quite lost now. I am sure tomorrow will be better but today is hard.

Base price

Willothewisp wrote: »

Finding things very difficult these past few days. Had a little happiness in life before Christmas which has now gone. No stranger to the black dog they call depression. Fair able for it most times but I'm struggling today. Safe to say I feel quite lost now. I am sure tomorrow will be better but today is hard.

Is there anyone that you can talk to, a friend or family member.
I find that talking to one particular friend helps me through my low times. It feels like once I voice and share my thoughts the weight lifts and I can view things in a more positive way.

whelan2

reilig wrote: »

This is a thread that I have been asked to start on the Farming and Forestry forum as it is something which seems to affect rural dwellers more than anyone. Suicide rates among Farmers are pretty high.

This is a thread which will offer people some information and resources to help with depression.

Please feel free to add sensible stuff to the thread. Depression is a pretty taboo subject, but at the end of the day, the only way to beat it is to talk about it.

Here are some links and resources:

Samaritans 1850 60 90 90

Aware

Mental Health Ireland

Console - 1800 247 247

Just a note for anyone who feels depressed, it might seem dark now but there is help.
Please read the stickys here and here if you haven't already or speak to a medical professional

there are some numbers here that are pretty helpful, look after yourself

LegacyUser

Thank you both. It helped a lot to get that thought out of my head. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, it helped that what I wrote last night was read. The helplines are not for me, I might explore some type of therapy this year if my mood does not get better.

whelan2

Willothewisp wrote: »

Thank you both. It helped a lot to get that thought out of my head. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, it helped that what I wrote last night was read. The helplines are not for me, I might explore some type of therapy this year if my mood does not get better.

go to your doctor-or a doctor-, just to talk to some one else is brilliant. Its a big weight off your mind.

Base price

Willothewisp you have taken a huge step by sharing your thoughts with us here and that is a very positive step.
Are you sleeping and eating properly?

LegacyUser

I had poor experience with doctors in the past most offering drugs as an answer. I think that masks the problem, my thinking. I need to change my mindset. But I probably have to see a GP to get a referral about doing that. My sleep is haywire, work is not getting done. The work doesn't concern me yet. Eating is alright, diet needs a change for the better.

Base price

If you can make an appointment and talk with a GP in your area/locallity.
It does not have to be with your regular GP.
Do you keep cattle, cows, horses, sheep, pigs, poultry, tillage etc?
Tell us a bit about your farming background without revealing location and details, if you don't mind.

whelan2

Willothewisp wrote: »

I had poor experience with doctors in the past most offering drugs as an answer. I think that masks the problem, my thinking. I need to change my mindset. But I probably have to see a GP to get a referral about doing that. My sleep is haywire, work is not getting done. The work doesn't concern me yet. Eating is alright, diet needs a change for the better.

i had the chat with doctor, he gave me a script, he said use it if you feel you need it otherwise put it in the press, i put it in the press, knew it was there if i needed it , didnt use it. the comfort of having it there was enough

LegacyUser

I will not make appointment with my own GP no, other circumstances prevent that. There are others I can go to. I am doing the essential farm work, I am a drystock farmer and enjoy working with my animals and caring for them properly. It is strange I would get help for them quicker than for me. Maintenance and work like that is not moving at all. Goes back to my mindset that often stops me doing things that should be done, that builds up work but the days are getting longer so it is not a massive roadblock just now. I am as isolated as a lot of farmers, does not help but it is a part of the job you take the good with the bad or you do something else. Social things, personal relations are a problem, that is the thinking again. I don't feel great but I feel a world apart from yesterday.

whelan2

go to another doctor so, one off... if family are annoying you try and move outside the box, theres a big world out there that doesnt revolve around them

Taltos

In terms of the isolation, please remember you have this forum, many of the posters here will or may have faced many of the issues and challenges you are. Call on their experience and if you need to vent use this place.
BUT as Whelan rightly pointed out if you can't talk to your GP, find another or even another, sometimes it takes some searching to find the right professional to help you but it's definitely worth it, even if at first you get some duds...

LegacyUser

I won't be entertaining any scripts, personal thing with me I have been there before and resented it, it's not my answer. I have some idea on what might be a solution, something I want to try at least. That will probably need a referral by GP to someone who is trained in that and that's ok. The isolation is not really farming related, it is more personal. But this forum is invaluable for people to come talk who maybe have nowhere else, it really is. I believe that I have to get my thoughts right first or I will just repeat the same learned bad habits and get the same bad results.

blue5000

Christmas can be a stressful time for some people, families cooped up, cabin fever, drinking too much etc. Have a look on notice board in your GP's waiting room, they often have phone numbers of counsellors or therapists there. Talk to someone, the black dog is no fun.

Timmaay

whelan2 wrote: »

go to another doctor so, one off... if family are annoying you try and move outside the box, theres a big world out there that doesnt revolve around them

Some of the stories I've heard about doctors and nurses who are extremely ignorant about mental health are scary, definitely go to a different doctor, there are plenty of alternative treatments which do not involve medication, things like CBT etc can be very effective at helping people regain control. The support lines that Whelan quoted above like Aware/Samaritans should be able to put you in contact with more appropriate medical care if you are not happy with yourown GP.

Keep us up to date here also please!