DEPRESSION SUPPORT- Anonymous posting is possible, see note in post #1.

A cow called Daisy

The list idea works well. Don't set yourself to ambitious a target so that when you get more done than you planned you will feel even better. Rome wasn't built in a day.

whelan2

A cow called Daisy wrote: »

The list idea works well. Don't set yourself to ambitious a target so that when you get more done than you planned you will feel even better. Rome wasn't built in a day.

also on my list is a fun thing, like bring kids somewhere or go for a meal, some thing to look forward to . The other one i do too is write down who i owe what to, what i can afford to pay towards it each month and strike it off when paid;)

Base price

A cow called Daisy wrote: »

The list idea works well. Don't set yourself to ambitious a target so that when you get more done than you planned you will feel even better. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Agree with you on that Daisy. Take one step at a time. Keep It Simple, Stupid - KISS principle.

mike hilux

Hello

I went to the contractor and told him the master plan. He said he would be at the maize anyway so throw out 3 bags to the acre and he will cut it the middle of October. He has often cut it then for other farmers so no big deal.

I can't remember how it came out but he was talking about how great the uncle was and the great farmer he was and I left it all out about the money he owed to everyone and how I had been trying to clear it and I could tell he was honestly surprised.

On the way home I took some above mentioned advice and called to the mothers. We see each other fairly often but I don't really confide in her any more. Really just go through the motions of being civil. But we used be good friends years ago and I do miss it.

I told her I was coming back from the contractor and how we agreed on a plan of attack. Then I basically dropped it how I set him straight about the uncle and how I was sick of everyone telling me about this golden handshake I got.

I realise she is her brother and all but I thought she would understand where I was coming from. That was my first mistake. I got given out to for airing the dirty laundry in public and blackening the uncles name. I said how hard I was finding it day to day and how my motivation was gone and that I realise that I had let the farm go. "well if you got up earlier and stopped disappearing during the day. It's your own doing" I know this already and suppose I was just looking for sympathy.

I ended up saying that I was far from happy with the situation and if I had it back. The day she rang me to come home and that the uncle was sick. Had I known what was ahead I would have tied the passport and phone to a stone and dropped it in the sea. "oh your still playing that tune are you. Do you not know any other songs".

I don't know. She is my mother and I would do mountjoy if someone looked at her wrong. When the father left she always made sure I wanted for nothing. I know it's hard on her too because she lost her brother and they were close. What I don't know is how I've been held accountable for my uncles actions.

When he was alive I often begged her and
faught with her to find out if I was getting the farm because he wouldn't tell me and I was pumping in all my savings and also wasn't getting a wage. Isaid I wasn't doing it just to line my cousins pockets. I always said that I didn't mind about not getting it so long as I wasn't being made a fool of.

Since his passing. Whenever I give out the answer has been "sure didn't you get it off him. You thought you would never get your hands on it for long enough and your still complaining."

I don't know. I can't seem to win. I suppose that maybe I didn't make myself clear at the times I should have. Tell me from the outside looking in. do I sound like a spoiled brat just throwing the toys out of the cot.

eric prydz

mike hilux wrote: »

Hello Eric

Thank you for the reply. It's a role reversal now because I don't know what to say really. You did something I'll never do because you went to the source of the aggravation and laid it down at their door for them so just fair play sir.

You say that you are trying to block it out but I wasn't able to. It would always creep in from the sides and I would shake it off and suppress it but in the end it might be a very simple thing would go wrong and I would LOSE IT. I've broken more windows in the tractor and pitch fork handled that you would never believe.

I think you do need to put it out there to someone be it here or a friend or a councillor. That was the biggest thing I was told here and as blue said above I intend to bring it further.

Start off small with the jist of it even. No one knows who you really are on this. I don't know can I say this but even if you were to change to another account under a different name and post it and then you could keep this account and know one would know.

It's not about how it's said. Forget about proper English and all that as it's not important. That first tread turned into more of a moaning session for me but it was in the wrong section. Like looking for sweets in a hardware store. But this is the right section. This will be the right section tor you too.

There is no pressure from me Eric and for
my first post it took ages to get it down and I nearly deleted it several times. But for all it took. The payback has been tenfold. It felt so nice and good to be listened to after so long. I could never put it into words

I say do it Eric

Hello again Mike
Im only able to give a bare outline of my story because the time isn't right for me and im just not able to type it out but it involves my father dieing years ago and me never really getting over it and not going to conciling at the time because I was too angry/depressed and full of denial over his death and copeing with starting out farming on my own at 17.
Il type more on this again but now im just not able to..

mike hilux wrote: »

Ok I'm on board with you.

I'm going to do this weekend if thats ok.
TONIGHT call over to the contractor and explain how I've left so much slide and enquire as to if I spread 2 bags of cut sward on the silage ground on Sunday will it be fit to cut and will he be willing to cut maybe the 3rd week of September.

SATURDAY I'm helping to set up the field with the people for the local agricultural show which is coming up soon and I'll call into an older neighbor of mine that also suffers from depression.

SUNDAY spread the fertilizer that I'm telling the contractor about this evening and probably end up back at the show grounds to help finish for the week.

Well Mike I hope that your contractor was agreeable to your plans but I think that your being far too hard on yourself regarding letting things slide ,look at all you have achieved this past week alone and all the work you've done the last few years
Fair play to you for helping out for the local show and for thinking of your neighbours but I really think that you need some time for yourself and do something to treat yourself and forget all about the farm once in all while
Reagarding the fertiliser why don't you spread it on Monday and spend Sunday doing something that you want to do that's non farming related
I only work on Sundays doing only whats necessary

mike hilux

Monday I'm doing a herd test with a different elderly neighbor. He buys a few cattle off me every year just for grazing. He is sound. When he bought the animals he brought over a bottle of pour on for them when I was loading them. Enough for 40 animals then told me it would only go out of date with his small number and told me to keep it.

Eric I'm very sorry for your loss. That's a very young age to loose your father. Farm or no farm. I was 26 when I took over and thought I was young. I can't imagine how hard that was for you.

Did you ever go for any counselling after that. From my own experience. When I was 15 my best friend did away with himself. He rang me that night and I was getting ready to go to bed for school the next day and cut the call short and said I'd be talking to him then. A few hours later the mother woke me to say that the guards were at the door looking for me.

The school tried to get me to talk to someone but I just closed off. I was very lucky because I was getting maths grinds at the time and the tutor really got me through it. To be honest until now I never really thought of that as counselling but I suppose that's exactly what it was.

You have done great tonight sir by putting so much on the table. It's not easy I know. This is the start of the road out of the shadows and it will rise to meet you. If it's ok with you sir I'm traveling this road too so we might as well keep each other company.

I have the hight of respect for you to do so much at such a young age. I found a few great sayings. One of them "I shall not measure myself by another man's yardstick. Instead I shall be the yardstick that other men measure themselves by"

eric prydz

Yes Mike It was hard on me at the time and I struggled at times and only got by by watching the neighbours to see what they were doing because I was too proud at times to ask them for advice

Just from reading your above post regarding the silage I find it very strange that he cant come and do the work when you want it done despite getting a months notice,you are paying the bills Mike so he should do it when and how you want it done

Mike it is your farm and you pay all the bills including the debt your uncle left behind he left it too you not your mother so she should have no say in what way your farm is run but I believe that you should maintain your personal relationship with your mother just leave her out of the running of your farm

mike hilux

About the silage I wanted to make sure that he would still be working at that time if the year as I didn't realise he had maize anyway. So he said their was no rush in me getting him if I didn't want. He just said that I still had options and if I wanted the quantity then throw out the extra fertilizer and give it more time. He told me that now with the rain that there is good growth but I still had to allow time for the nitrogen to be utilized. He was very good in fairness.

I don't know what to do about the mother but I'm not going into it further tonight as it's late and I'm afraid I'll regret saying it in the morning.

jt65

Hi Mike

Since you started posting here I have followed your story and read your other thread also

I have refrained from posting mainly 'cos I wouldn't feel qualified and I've been told on more than 1 occasion that I'm better off dealing with animals than with people ... on hindsight I suppose it's true


I think you made great progress in the last few days But the one bit of unqualified advise I would give is don't try to go toe to toe with your mum, by all means keep in touch and visit but maybe plan ahead a few topics for conversation

you have a friend in the elderly neighbour & the contractor seems a sound bloke as well, you're involved in your local show, & i'm sure you could seek out a few pals

any how GTG

good luck Mike, and keep the chin up

"Don't worry about the future,
Don't worry about the past
The future will soon be presence
The Presence will soon be past
The Presence is all thou has"

whelan2

eric prydz wrote: »

Yes Mike It was hard on me at the time and I struggled at times and only got by by watching the neighbours to see what they were doing because I was too proud at times to ask them for advice

Just from reading your above post regarding the silage I find it very strange that he cant come and do the work when you want it done despite getting a months notice,you are paying the bills Mike so he should do it when and how you want it done

Mike it is your farm and you pay all the bills including the debt your uncle left behind he left it too you not your mother so she should have no say in what way your farm is run but I believe that you should maintain your personal relationship with your mother just leave her out of the running of your farm

not being smart here but are you and mike in our time zone? What are ye doing on line in the middle of the night?

mike hilux

I have trouble sleeping anyway but the milk lorry pulled into the yard and I woke up. While I was awake and out of bed I went and washed the tank for the morning and just checked this out of curiosity (I was fairly steamed over what happened at the mothers). Granted it did stretch out very late. I felt it today. Eric did very well though didn't he.

whelan2

mike hilux wrote: »

I have trouble sleeping anyway but the milk lorry pulled into the yard and I woke up. While I was awake and out of bed I went and washed the tank for the morning and just checked this out of curiosity. Granted it did stretch out very late. I felt it today. Eric did very well though didn't he.

sleep is so important, ok when kids where young i went around on auto pilot but after a while lack of sleep causes other problems. To get asleep my mind needs to be clear of crap, i have a notebook beside my bed and i write things in it. Then they are not on my mind, when i read back on it in the morning it looks stupid but they are not in my head. Milkman comes here around 4am, i always hear him but i just turn over and go back asleep. Its a long long day from 3.30am to try and function properly

lakill Farm

Look I do fall out with my mother also. They think they are always right. I went and put my foot in it 3 weeks ago. Long story short but since ploughing championship in Athy in 2011 she has had cancer. I was in the Hereford tent, ill never forget the call from the sister. anyway 2 rounds of chemo since (the last finished about 8 weeks ago) and a big enough operation

She didn't give up smoking - we had on going fights

she then gave them up and after operation went back on them - I told her she was a selfish cow after all the care the nurses & doctors gave her and they could have treated someone else - another fight

Gave them up again last year and onto e-cig and well that's cooled that one

then I said about them changing a bedroom into a dinning room. I disagree as the extra spare bedroom is handy. I told them when the time comes to mam needing palliative care I wount be on call as im not sleeping on the 3 piece - I got the door

anyway I just called over the following week and I got the dirty look but we are still talking. She might not like the direct root but no point beating around the bush with important things

In otherwords. If your doing it right or not once your happy who the feck else should you worry about

mike hilux wrote: »

Hello

I went to the contractor and told him the master plan. He said he would be at the maize anyway so throw out 3 bags to the acre and he will cut it the middle of October. He has often cut it then for other farmers so no big deal.

I can't remember how it came out but he was talking about how great the uncle was and the great farmer he was and I left it all out about the money he owed to everyone and how I had been trying to clear it and I could tell he was honestly surprised.

On the way home I took some above mentioned advice and called to the mothers. We see each other fairly often but I don't really confide in her any more. Really just go through the motions of being civil. But we used be good friends years ago and I do miss it.

I told her I was coming back from the contractor and how we agreed on a plan of attack. Then I basically dropped it how I set him straight about the uncle and how I was sick of everyone telling me about this golden handshake I got.

I realise she is her brother and all but I thought she would understand where I was coming from. That was my first mistake. I got given out to for airing the dirty laundry in public and blackening the uncles name. I said how hard I was finding it day to day and how my motivation was gone and that I realise that I had let the farm go. "well if you got up earlier and stopped disappearing during the day. It's your own doing" I know this already and suppose I was just looking for sympathy.

I ended up saying that I was far from happy with the situation and if I had it back. The day she rang me to come home and that the uncle was sick. Had I known what was ahead I would have tied the passport and phone to a stone and dropped it in the sea. "oh your still playing that tune are you. Do you not know any other songs".

I don't know. She is my mother and I would do mountjoy if someone looked at her wrong. When the father left she always made sure I wanted for nothing. I know it's hard on her too because she lost her brother and they were close. What I don't know is how I've been held accountable for my uncles actions.

When he was alive I often begged her and
faught with her to find out if I was getting the farm because he wouldn't tell me and I was pumping in all my savings and also wasn't getting a wage. Isaid I wasn't doing it just to line my cousins pockets. I always said that I didn't mind about not getting it so long as I wasn't being made a fool of.

Since his passing. Whenever I give out the answer has been "sure didn't you get it off him. You thought you would never get your hands on it for long enough and your still complaining."

I don't know. I can't seem to win. I suppose that maybe I didn't make myself clear at the times I should have. Tell me from the outside looking in. do I sound like a spoiled brat just throwing the toys out of the cot.

mike hilux

It's true. Sure when I think about it clearly. The mother and me have been fighting and falling out since I could talk back. Good luck with your mother lackill. I realise my worries are small compared.

lakill Farm

mike hilux wrote: »

It's true. Sure when I think about it clearly. The mother and me have been fighting and falling out since I could talk back. Good luck with your mother lackill. I realise my worries are small compared.

not at all. Just realise she is your mother and well if she thinks she is right or you think she is right, the rest is just a farm of land.

don't be like so many other irish families and fall out over land

also well done on the last few days. I personally think your making great progress.

Timmaay

mike hilux wrote: »

I don't know. I can't seem to win. I suppose that maybe I didn't make myself clear at the times I should have. Tell me from the outside looking in. do I sound like a spoiled brat just throwing the toys out of the cot.

Mike, Your most certainly not throwing the toys out of the cot, however, and maybe I'm being very harsh here now, but in one sense, you do just have to accept that the world is how it is, people can be irrational for no apparent reason what so ever, and it can be very hard to change that. Can you even win at the end of all of this? Everything with your uncle is in the utter past now, maybe you got to accept that and move on. One of my favourite film speech that has definitely helped me in rough times before is this:

whelan2

mike hilux wrote: »

Monday I'm doing a herd test with a different elderly neighbor. He buys a few cattle off me every year just for grazing. He is sound. When he bought the animals he brought over a bottle of pour on for them when I was loading them. Enough for 40 animals then told me it would only go out of date with his small number and told me to keep it.

Eric I'm very sorry for your loss. That's a very young age to loose your father. Farm or no farm. I was 26 when I took over and thought I was young. I can't imagine how hard that was for you.

Did you ever go for any counselling after that. From my own experience. When I was 15 my best friend did away with himself. He rang me that night and I was getting ready to go to bed for school the next day and cut the call short and said I'd be talking to him then. A few hours later the mother woke me to say that the guards were at the door looking for me.

The school tried to get me to talk to someone but I just closed off. I was very lucky because I was getting maths grinds at the time and the tutor really got me through it. To be honest until now I never really thought of that as counselling but I suppose that's exactly what it was.

You have done great tonight sir by putting so much on the table. It's not easy I know. This is the start of the road out of the shadows and it will rise to meet you. If it's ok with you sir I'm traveling this road too so we might as well keep each other company.

I have the hight of respect for you to do so much at such a young age. I found a few great sayings. One of them "I shall not measure myself by another man's yardstick. Instead I shall be the yardstick that other men measure themselves by"

hows things?

mike hilux

Yea their grand. How about yourself. This
agri show is after taking over somewhat. Awful amount of chiefs around. But a few sound lads also.

Nothing really to report so I suppose it's a welcome break from my endless ranting. I'll let everyone involved take a breather before I have the next tantrum. God knows you and everyone has earned it.

PatrickJoseph

Anyone feeling down should definitely talk to the Samaritans, they are absolutely brilliant. Pieta House also offer counselling completely free if you have one near you or look up their website.

GrandSoftDay

I had this post typed out a few times in the past but I deleted it, I am a fairly regular poster on here and one or two on here might know me personally but I'd rather opinions here than the anonomus depression forum. I have been fairly down and out in myself since last Christmas due to family issues and to put the icing on the cake lost my mother fairly tragically a few months back. Both of my parents are alcoholics and they have been seperated since I was fairly young but there was a lot of agro between them. I never really got on too well with my mother due to the circumstances they seperated over but at the same time I hadn't given up hope that she would rise out of the drinking. My father who liked a sup beforehand would go on benders whereas my mother couldn't seem to stop but since she died I have hardly seen him. I'm on the points of taking over the farm and 12 months ago I would have been over joyed at the thought of all the inprovements I could make around the place but at the moment all I can think about is what tomorrow will bring. I'm constantly worried about my father and my sister who is out of the country. We have more cattle lost in the 8 months so far this year than the 8 years previous I would say, some down to me and a few unnatural things you would never expect to happen. To be honest the way I am at the moment I'm afraid of my sh1t what tomorrow will bring, everything I have put my hand to lately has gone wrong and I am not eating or sleeping properly and leaving jobs on the long finger that should be done. It's not for a lack of interest they are not being done but because I feel like crap most of the time and I have been avoiding conversations with neighbours and friends because I find it really awkward at the moment. I have talked to a few close friends and my girlfriend espically about how I feel so I'm not bottling it up by any means, it's the auld fella that's really getting to me, I might as well be trying to talk to a brick wall as trying to talk sense to him. I'm fairly young all the time and never really let the stuff that happened when I was younger get me down but this year has been the straw that broke the camels back for me. I know this post is a bit all over the place but I have so much floating around my head at the moment it's hard to put it in order. If you want to know the specifics of anything don't be afraid to ask me, I'm not embarrassed by it and I have only given a rough jist of things because I'd be typing all night if I was going to go into detail. I'm going to go to the doctor in the morning anyway to see what he says and see if he can give me something to help me sleep for a start even though I'm not too hopeful it will make too much of a difference until I the auld lad cops on a bit. I'd be happy if it was things on the farm I was worrying about and bit the family to be honest , I have spent the better years of my youth trying to mind them from themselves really and it's backfiring on me.

Kovu

I've sat here for half an hour, typing and retyping and trying to formulate a reply that can even begin to show my respect for each and every one of you for sharing your stories with us. Because we all get down and we can all put on a happy cheery face for so long while hiding behind it, something akin to the comedy and tragedy masks at the theatre. And it can be ridiculously difficult to break the mold and speak about it.
The worst thing is often what we all do and I know I am very guilty of it, is to tuck it all away in a box in the back of my mind, and then every so often that box goes BOOM and spills open and everything goes arseways and it feels like you're drowning in a sea of confusion, anger and misery.

But to get it out is a huge step forward, it is words written down that you can see and address. Not just mull over them but actually see them. I know if I started my story here I would probably need chapters and scheduled tea breaks to keep us all awake, so perhaps that's for another time.
Small steps, as mentioned above. Even just closing my eyes for a minute and breathing in and out to just 'stop' and calm myself and get back into feeling like I am in control of my life, is a big help to me.

Anyway, it's late and I am prattling on, but I know how some of you are feeling and if you ever want to talk, or just want a decent conversation (ha) then feel free to pm me. I can't promise magic or a cure or anything but I can lend an ear to rant into.

Taltos

Best of luck tomorrow GrandSoftDay - hope your GP is able to help you, if not though go see someone else, maybe a break from the farm and family would do you good, just something to lift you out of whats going on there for a while.

Will keep my fingers crossed for you.

David_Selam

I know depression can feel like a hopeless situation, but can be treated and managed. I have my own experiences of it. You need to talk about it and seek help. Also try and change your lifestyle. Eat a healthy diet, exercise daily, meditate daily, get involved in community work, exercise your brain daily by reading good books, and always be learning new things like studying a subject or playing guitar. Your not alone. You have to stand up and fight for yourself, nobody else will.

A cow called Daisy

G.S.D., have typed and deleted a response to your post and none of them seemed to convey both my sympathy for what you have gone and are going through and also my admiration for the way you're gong to do something about it. I am a able to make suggestions to people as to wbat they should do but am unable to do anything myself other than post on here.

Good luck with your doc and ihope he is of some help.


.Kovu., I may just take you up on that if I could get my head in order.

BuilderPlumber

I know a person who says they suffer from depression and need advice on how to best deal with the person. The kinder i am to this person, the more horrible this person treats me and puts all the blame on me. The person appears paranoid and seems to see the worst in everyone and every situation. i can't seem to get through to the person at all that i am a friend. What should i do? Thanks.

moy83

I'm sorry to hear you lost your mother GSD . Fair play for writing out your thoughts and I hope it will help clear your head .

jt65

Hi GSD, sorry to hear about your problems and your recent loss,

yes I'm sure we have all gone through stages where we think every thing we leave a hand on is wrong , but I think you are on the right tracks

I,ve sent you a pm and the person mentioned may or may not be of benefit, but worth keeping in mind.

Good luck

Tokyo

BuilderPlumber wrote: »

I know a person who says they suffer from depression and need advice on how to best deal with the person. The kinder i am to this person, the more horrible this person treats me and puts all the blame on me. The person appears paranoid and seems to see the worst in everyone and every situation. i can't seem to get through to the person at all that i am a friend. What should i do? Thanks.

To be honest, this person needs professional help - more help than you can give them. And the only way that is going to happen is if they realise themselves that they need help, and take the steps towards getting it. Not you, me or anyone else will be able to push them into it if they don't want to be helped. Being kind to this person is great and all, but sometimes the truth can hurt a little. Have you tried telling this person how their attitudes are affecting the people around them? And asked them if they had considered getting help with it?

mike hilux

Hello grand soft day

Firstly well done on your post. It's hard putting it all out there but it will help you straighten out your thought. It did for me. Great people on here so your in good hands.

When I went to my doctor he first told me that I wasn't depressed as I was able to sleep and then said I was probably suffering from anxiety. Not to be abrupt but it sounds to me that one condition is spilling out and causing the other in your case. My anxiety was crippling and often ended with me thinking my heart was going to burst while I would sweat and shake out.

What I have found since my first post is there are all these jobs that need doing and I just wasn't doing them because when I'd start them I only saw a mountain but when I think about it. Sure what's a mountain but a series of smaller hills. Pick one job and do it as best you can when your finished stand back and look at it and take pride in a job well done. And then that's one less thing to worry about.

With your father. I imagine he is taking it hard with your mothers passing also which you have my deepest sympathies about. would you be able to bring him out the yard to do a few jobs like fencing or hanging gates. It may be good for both of you. A bit of company and then both see what you have done at the end of the day.

You have come on here and addressed your troubles and well done for that but your father may be in denial so it might be good for someone to take charge for him. I'm helping set up an agri show this week and it feels good just being part of something more than my own troubles.

All the best and keep posting

Mike.

whelan2

mike_ie wrote: »

To be honest, this person needs professional help - more help than you can give them. And the only way that is going to happen is if they realise themselves that they need help, and take the steps towards getting it. Not you, me or anyone else will be able to push them into it if they don't want to be helped. Being kind to this person is great and all, but sometimes the truth can hurt a little. Have you tried telling this person how their attitudes are affecting the people around them? And asked them if they had considered getting help with it?

i would send them a text and say i am there for them if they need me but i feel that they need to talk to someone.