Having the door held open and other gestures

Emeraldy Pebbles

bluewolf wrote: »

Because a few rude women is a slight on the rest of us, apparently

A few is apparently the majority also. I learned something new about myself every day here from helpful menfolk swooping in to tell us what's what!

BBDBB

all menfolk? or just a few?

jaffacakesyum

Stheno wrote: »

My OH does it out of habit to be honest, it's how he was brought up

And I have to admit I like it, I do think it's chivalrous without being controlling and I find it a nice gesture on his part.

Fair enough if you like it, each to their own.

I have to say I find the idea of chivalry dated and patronising. It's "good sexism" to a lot of women. They don't mind being treated differently "as a lady" when it benefits them, but don't want to be treated differently when it doesn't benefit them.

jaffacakesyum

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

There's first I have and still would do, when I perceive the road to be dangerous, and am close to whoever I'm walking with. Regardless of gender. I would rather put myself in the hazardous position than leave them in it.
The others, I don't do.

No, and yes, I would, and have done, but only if it were to make things easier for them.

That's fair enough. I would imagine you'd be in the minority. I doubt many guys on a night out with the lads down the local would pull out a chair or their mate or help out on his coat :pac:

Tombo2001

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

A few is apparently the majority also. I learned something new about myself every day here from helpful menfolk swooping in to tell us what's what!

I was talking about my experience in general, I didn't say that you yourself had done this Emeraldy Pebbles.

If a woman complains about sexism in the work place, is the appropriate response from a man to be "well i don't do it, don't know what you're complaining to me for'......

As for the swooping in comment......well ya know....... it was a conversation I had an opinion on, and I expressed it.

Emeraldy Pebbles

BBDBB wrote: »

all menfolk? or just a few?

However many have swooped in. You're welcome to go back and count.

Emeraldy Pebbles

Tombo2001 wrote: »

I was talking about my experience in general, I didn't say that you yourself had done this Emeraldy Pebbles.

If a woman complains about sexism in the work place, is the appropriate response from a man to be "well i don't do it, don't know what you're complaining to me for'......

As for the swooping in comment......well ya know....... it was a conversation I had an opinion on, and I expressed it.

You also told the forum you were "sad" to bring this news...

BBDBB

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

However many have swooped in. You're welcome to go back and count.

I dont think I'll bother counting the swooping statements or even the sweeping statements, they dont appear confined to one gender it seems.

Emeraldy Pebbles

BBDBB wrote: »

I dont think I'll bother counting the swooping statements or even the sweeping statements, they dont appear confined to one gender it seems.

Good for you.

BBDBB

not really, not good for anyone particularly

YellowFeather

I love where I work. Everybody is very polite and, even though there are five companies in the one building, we always hold doors / lifts for each other. In addition, we always smile and say hi (at the very least). I don't understand how somebody could take offense at a door being held open for them!

Galwayguy35

Bannasidhe wrote: »

I even do that when I pull in/stop to let cars come down narrow roads when an obstruction is on their side - I know they can't hear me but would a little nod or raise of the finger to thank the person who had right of way but stopped to let them go through be too much effort?

I agree, a very nice lady who had right of way stopped and let me out today, otherwise I would have been waiting for ages.

It's basic manners to show appreciation to someone who obliges another road user.

wendydoll

I love chivalry. I, I think, like most women don't even expect it anymore. However if I do come across it, I always say thanks. It takes little effort to say thank you and it acknowledges the gesture.

There's not need to get your knickers in a twist, the guy isn't going to be thinking "I'm doing this because you are the weaker sex" if you accept the offer of doors being held etc. However you get snotty about it he'll think "what a b!tch you were"

Madam_X

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

You also told the forum you were "sad" to bring this news...

My understanding of it was he was just acknowledging it's a negative thing to be saying about women in a women's forum.

Foxhound38

anncoates wrote: »

OP sounds like a bit of a tall tale. Did a colleague really say that about gender roles?

I hold the door open for anybody in work. It's a matter of manners as mist people have said.

Women are more likely not to say thanks I think - women and men that don't are in a minority of course - but I assume sometimes it's because they think you're doing it with a agenda.

No tell-taling here - it was as strange a situation to be in as it seems like to read. Now in fairness, I hold the door open for people literally all the time - it's second nature by now. I also help people with with heavy stuff when the need arises. These two times where only two times there was a problem - for the most part, people where either indifferent or mannerly, both of which I'm OK with as these two gestures are pretty much automatic reactions anyway

Foxhound38

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

A few is apparently the majority also. I learned something new about myself every day here from helpful menfolk swooping in to tell us what's what!

Oh, that wasn't my intention with this thread at all - as I said, I've literally only ever had two bad experiences amongst countless ones that went off without incident. Just wanted to start a discussion over whether it was viewed as patronizing or whatever, not blame womankind for the rudeness of 2 individuals or attempt to tell anyone what's what

Whatsernamex33

The amount of times I've held the door open for someone or let them go in ahead of me, not a word of thanks. Impoliteness is a huge issue for me, and sadly enough it's mostly women who never say their thanks. Why do I bother? :rolleyes:

LeeHoffmann

I hold doors open for everybody. It´s just good manners IMO. With men there´s often a weird awkward moment where I´m waiting for them to pass through the door only to find they´re standing behind me waiting for me to do the same. I´m holding the door for you man and it´s more difficult for us to swap door-holding duties than for you to just walk through! :pac:

Anyway, I like good manners but if anybody insists on being mannerly only towards one category of people (e.g. only holding doors for women/black people/gay people) rather than towards people in general, I find that incredibly irritating and . Now of course if a man holds a door open for me, I smile and thank him like a normal human being

Tmeos

I must say I am often that lone woman with a buggy and loads of bags and I love manners in men and women, chivalry is really appealing to me though I would identify as a femenist.

I think there is a massive difference in doing things from instinct/manners and a kind of 'I walk on the outside of the road because you're a lady and I need to tell you about it' contrived type of gentlemanliness

The first will make me melt, the latter just leaves me cold.

Reesy

Das Kitty wrote: »

A guy ordering my meal for me, like picked it out from the menu without asking what I'd like and told the waiter, "The lady will have..." I was quite young so I didn't argue, but if it happened now I'd finish the sentence with "her coat."

That's not chivalrous, it's just patronising, controlling ****e like the woman who tells her husband what to wear.

When we order wine, my wife often does the tasting just to break the stereotype.

Morag

Princess Peach wrote: »

When my boyfriend did the walking on the outside of the pavement thing at first I thought it was really silly, because nothing was going to happen to me on the pavement! But I did also think it was very sweet. It had never happened to me before, nice to see others on the thread have experienced it. Didn't know it was a thing

This done to keep you safe, in case you get splashed or wobble of the path cos your wearing heels, it's one of those little things. It's nice, esp if your dressed in formal attire.

Morag

Tmeos wrote: »

I think there is a massive difference in doing things from instinct/manners and a kind of 'I walk on the outside of the road because you're a lady and I need to tell you about it' contrived type of gentlemanliness

The first will make me melt, the latter just leaves me cold.

If it's a person's manners and they want to treat me like a lady, it would be churlish of me to be rude about it.

Big difference between that which is about respect and someone doing stuff to try be a dick and make out I am lesser.

Ellsbells

I hold the door for people and I can't resist, if they don't say thanks, saying 'thank you for letting me hold the door for you'... I secretly hope they may feel some shame then for their bad manners.

Tmeos

Ellsbells wrote: »

I hold the door for people and I can't resist, if they don't say thanks, saying 'thank you for letting me hold the door for you'... I secretly hope they may feel some shame then for their bad manners.

On this though I'd be tempted I actually think this type of sarky comment is a lot more bad mannered than someine just not saying thank you. You don't know what's going on with people that they might be off in a world of their own.

Ironically acting as the manners police is the height of rudeness, just be gracious and let it go.

Momento Mori

I find it worse when you hold the door open for someone and they don't even acknowledge you or say an easy "thank you".

Princess Peach

If people don't say thank you after a kind gesture, that's their issue and their bad manners.

Isn't having a narky response just bringing yourself down to their level? It does annoy me sometimes when they are rude, but I still hold myself to my standards.

IvyTheTerrible

Princess Peach wrote: »

If people don't say thank you after a kind gesture, that's their issue and their bad manners.

Isn't having a narky response just bringing yourself down to their level? It does annoy me sometimes when they are rude, but I still hold myself to my standards.

I agree. I'm not going to add to the balance of bad manners just because of someone else.

LeeHoffmann

someone doing stuff to try be a dick and make out I am lesser.

does this actually happen though? I don´t think anyone holds doors open for women with the conscious intention of proving that women are lesser. There are easier ways to be a dick than resorting to such subtle and easily misunderstood tactics

Ellsbells

Who said it was in a narky manner?

If you dont have the manners to thank someone for opening a door for you then dont take the gesture.. There is no excuse for bad manners.

Ella

Ellsbells wrote: »

Who said it was in a narky manner?

If you dont have the manners to thank someone for opening a door for you then dont take the gesture.. There is no excuse for bad manners.

If you comment on them not thanking you then you are the one with bad manners in my opinion. They didnt ask you to hold it open.