Having the door held open and other gestures

leahyl

Malari wrote: »

I don't know if it's lately, because I'm sure people have been saying this kind of thing for generations! There are always rude, ungracious people I guess.

The thing that's struck me recently is when I, alone, am walking towards a group of people on the footpath (often but not exclusively teenagers and college students :pac:) they won't single out to let me pass. They'll insist on staying 3 or 4 abreast and make me walk on the road to pass them. I feel that's so rude. If I'm in the bigger party I'll always make way for a solitary person coming towards me. Is this unusual?

I completely agree Malari! It's so rude when people won't move out of your way and let you pass and you have to walk on the road instead - it's just plain ignorant and seems to be a big problem nowadays. I also hate when people just stand on a really narrow footpath and have a conversation completely blocking the walkway - again just ignorance and complete indifference to everybody else who needs to pass. I actually make a point of saying "excuse me" in a really loud voice so that they have to move. I just can't stand on a footpath having a conversation - I am always conscious that I am in peoples way:o

jaffacakesyum

As has already been said by many, holding doors, helping lift heavy objects etc is just good manners and something I would always do regardless of the gender or age of the person. If a man did these things I would be very grateful and thank him.

However, if a guy insisted on walking on the road side of a pavement for "my safety" or pulled a chair out for me, didn't like me drinking beer etc I would find that very patronising, sexist and just plain stupid.

Manners are manners and people should do these things regardless of gender. A question for the men : would you pull a chair out for a man or help a man put on his coat?

BBDBB

is now a good time to tell you I keep my sword arm free just in case some scoundrel impunes your honour with an off colour remark?

Emeraldy Pebbles

beks101 wrote: »

That's how the argument goes anyway. Personally I just don't get it. I've just never felt patronised or disrespected or belittled or any range of negative emotions when someone makes a small but pleasant gesture towards me such as holding open a door or helping out with luggage or something.

That's fine, but I don't get someone making a big deal of doing those things JUST because I'm a woman. If it doesn't make you uncomfortable, cool, but a guy who does that IS being patronising to the female gender. He doesn't not consider the sexes equal.

Kerplunk124

I hold open the door for guys as well as girls so i dont get what ****e she's sproutin

glagirl

I think people in general have lost their manners. Men are men and wemon are wemon(im not saying that we are not equal) but why cant a man be a gentleman and open a door etc anymore without having to think before hand is this a good idea and will i get shot down. Ye can open a door for me any day...wish there were more gentle men around. Yesterday i was shopping and a woman was searching in her bag for a euro for the trolly, (she was trying to mind 3 children) so i said do you want a euro. She replied "yea" so i handed her a euro. She took it and walked away. No Thanks or anything......dont want a star but thanks would have being nice.

Thoie

I'm female, and today I had the door held for me by 3 or 4 people, and I also held the door for 3 or 4 other people. I asked another woman if she'd like a hand carrying something. Two men stood back and let me go through a door in front of them, and I also stood back and let other people (men and women) through a door in front of me.

I'm perfectly comfortable with people holding doors, standing up when I arrive at the table, doing all the polite things, and I say thank you in appreciation.

The only one I don't particularly like is when shorter people try to help me on with my coat. It generally involves trying to bend my spine backwards so that they can reach, and my spine just isn't built that way, and I get flustered and awkward. I still say thanks, even though I dread it.

glagirl

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

That's fine, but I don't get someone making a big deal of doing those things JUST because I'm a woman. If it doesn't make you uncomfortable, cool, but a guy who does that IS being patronising to the female gender. He doesn't not consider the sexes equal.

Rubbish. My OH of ten years alway opens doors form me and is a true gentleman and in everyway sees me as equal. He in no way thinks men are better than wemon or the other way around. It is just manners

Hitchens

I would always hold the door open for my wife when she's bringing in a bag of coal.

Stheno

shalalala wrote: »

Also I know a few old school men that always walk on the road side of the pavement. Now that is cute!

My Oh always does this, now he is fifty next year, but I smiled at the description

He has a weird habit of always wanting to kiss at the door when we get home too!

Star Lord

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

However, if a guy insisted on walking on the road side of a pavement for "my safety" or pulled a chair out for me, didn't like me drinking beer etc I would find that very patronising, sexist and just plain stupid.

There's first I have and still would do, when I perceive the road to be dangerous, and am close to whoever I'm walking with. Regardless of gender. I would rather put myself in the hazardous position than leave them in it.
The others, I don't do.

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

A question for the men : would you pull a chair out for a man or help a man put on his coat?

No, and yes, I would, and have done, but only if it were to make things easier for them.

Emeraldy Pebbles

Kerplunk124 wrote: »

I hold open the door for guys as well as girls so i dont get what ****e she's sproutin

If this is directed at me, I also do this.

glagirl wrote: »

Rubbish. My OH of ten years alway opens doors form me and is a true gentleman and in everyway sees me as equal. He in no way thinks men are better than wemon or the other way around. It is just manners

It's not rubbish. If it's just manners, then do it for both genders! Hold the door open for him sometime! If that seems weird to him, then he doesn't see you as equal.

Stheno

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

However, if a guy insisted on walking on the road side of a pavement for "my safety"

My OH does it out of habit to be honest, it's how he was brought up

And I have to admit I like it, I do think it's chivalrous without being controlling and I find it a nice gesture on his part.

glagirl

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

If this is directed at me, I also do this.



It's not rubbish. If it's just manners, then do it for both genders! Hold the door open for him sometime! If that seems weird to him, then he doesn't see you as equal.

Yes he does see me as equal just different,,and i am. I'm a woman(an yea im equal) And in his eyes it is what gentlemen do.

GRMA

GRMA wrote: »

I know you're joking but on a serious note, thats not funny at all. I've seen a guy nearly killed by a girl doing that, as it was he was permanently scarred and lost tons of blood.

For some reason glassing someone seems to have a degree of acceptability about that response, more acceptable than it should be, someone wouldn't joke about pulling out a knife and stabbing someone over ordering drinks when there is next to no difference between the two acts.

Nothing good ever started with "I know you're joking but...."

You're right, using the pulling a knife analogy would have been funnier.

anncoates

OP sounds like a bit of a tall tale. Did a colleague really say that about gender roles?

I hold the door open for anybody in work. It's a matter of manners as mist people have said.

Women are more likely not to say thanks I think - women and men that don't are in a minority of course - but I assume sometimes it's because they think you're doing it with a agenda.

SPQRI

I don't do it anymore purely because of women passing me without
uttering a word of thanks or acknowledgment.
I'm not looking for a medal but you are being polite regardless of gender.
Ye are ye're own worst enemy!

Emeraldy Pebbles

glagirl wrote: »

Yes he does see me as equal just different

So different that you can't open a door?

Emeraldy Pebbles

SPQRI wrote: »

Ye are ye're own worst enemy!

Who's "ye"?

Gypsy Roman

Nothing worse then doing something nice and not even getting so much as a thanks,letting people out in their car and they dont even wave is a pet hate of mine,is a wave of the hand or flash of the lights to much to ask.

Madam_X

anncoates wrote: »

OP sounds like a bit of a tall tale. Did a colleague really say that about gender roles?.

was thinking the same myself.

SPQRI wrote: »

I don't do it anymore purely because of women passing me without
uttering a word of thanks or acknowledgment.
I'm not looking for a medal but you are being polite regardless of gender.
Ye are ye're own worst enemy!

Meh, I agree women are less likely to acknowledge a goodwill gesture - I particularly notice it when driving and e.g. giving someone leeway at a junction, but I wouldn't refuse to do it for any woman on that basis. Bit silly to assume all women will behave the same!

Star Lord

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

So different that you can't open a door?

^ This kind of argument is what irks me about these things. Opening a door for someone is not saying that they are incapable of doing so. It is merely doing it so that they do not have to. I would tend to hold doors open for my lady, for friends both male and female, for co-workers male and female, and for strangers of both genders too.
I do not do so because they can't, I do it because I can, and because it makes life more convenient for them, and because it is polite to do so.
Whenever anyone holds a door open for me, I always thank them too.

Princess Peach

When my boyfriend did the walking on the outside of the pavement thing at first I thought it was really silly, because nothing was going to happen to me on the pavement! But I did also think it was very sweet. It had never happened to me before, nice to see others on the thread have experienced it. Didn't know it was a thing

I would never ever say "You're welcome" sarcastically to someone. If they are rude to you that's their problem. I'll still hold my manners. Sometimes I wish I could say it, but just wouldn't!

I totally have to agree with Beks101, Canadians are uber polite. Very rarely do I not get a thank you, or a person holding the door or wanting to help you out!

I don't think men doing these gestures is sexist, more of a custom really. Something you were brought up to do.

Tombo2001

As a man who was a stay-at-home dad for quite a while, I have fairly strong views on this one.

Women are absolutely brutal for the specific act of not holding doors open. They just dont do it*.

As someone who spent quite a lot of time pushing a pram around, there were many many times where I was flabbergasted at women walking into a shop in front of me and letting the door slam behind them into the pram. Not on purpose obviously, but nonetheless doing it.

And at a time when yes, I really would appreciate if you would hold that door open. Men did it, women didnt.

Sorry to announce this sad news on the Ladies Lounge.

(*by and large, very few exceptions, in my experience).

Tombo2001

Gypsy Roman wrote: »

Nothing worse then doing something nice and not even getting so much as a thanks,letting people out in their car and they dont even wave is a pet hate of mine,is a wave of the hand or flash of the lights to much to ask.

On that specific one: I know where you are coming from, but if you are the one letting them out, then you are stationary, while they are driving and they need to keep watching the road.......its an excuse in some cases, but you should be able to wave after.

Hitchens

Gypsy Roman wrote: »

Nothing worse then doing something nice and not even getting so much as a thanks,letting people out in their car and they dont even wave is a pet hate of mine,is a wave of the hand or flash of the lights to much to ask.

So true, and flashing seems to become almost nonexistent in winter!

MajorMax

I don't hold open doors because they're ladies, I hold open doors because I'm a gentleman.

Emeraldy Pebbles

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

^ This kind of argument is what irks me about these things. Opening a door for someone is not saying that they are incapable of doing so. It is merely doing it so that they do not have to. I would tend to hold doors open for my lady, for friends both male and female, for co-workers male and female, and for strangers of both genders too.

You do it for both sexes. That's grand. So do I. Just doing it for women, as some men do, is different. I find it patronising and it makes me uncomfortable, always has done, when a man says "ladies first" or whatever. Apparently this makes me neurotic or something.

Emeraldy Pebbles

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Sorry to announce this sad news on the Ladies Lounge.

Why is it "sad news"?

coffee_cake

Emeraldy Pebbles wrote: »

Why is it "sad news"?

Because a few rude women is a slight on the rest of us, apparently