Is flirting (while in a relationship) acceptable?

username123

Sorcha16 wrote: »

The immortal words spoken by aeons of woman whose husbands have been cheating on them.

Bit of a generalisation, Im sure just as many women whose husbands werent flirtatious have been cheated on!

Sorcha16

username123 wrote: »

Bit of a generalisation, Im sure just as many women whose husbands werent flirtatious have been cheated on!

I'm pretty sure any man who has been sexually or romantically involved with a woman has been flirtatious with her at some point, whether his wife is aware of it or not

The Big Red Button

Sorcha16 wrote: »

The immortal words spoken by aeons of woman whose husbands have been cheating on them. I'm not suggesting for a moment that your boyfriend has or ever will cheat on you but claiming 100% certainty in absolute terms about someone else's motives is just naive and smacks a little of immaturity.

There are those who would be of the opinion that, when women/men get jealous because of a little harmless flirting, it 'smacks of immaturity.'

I can't state with 100% certainty that he won't ever cheat on me - however it would be extremely out of character for him. Honestly it's not something that I spend a moment of my time worrying about.

Plenty of men never cheat on their partners - I'm a believer in the concept of 'innocent until proven guilty'; I trust him, and will continue to do so unless he were ever to prove that I'm wrong to do so. You might consider me immature or naive; I consider it to be the result of a happy healthy mature relationship, where we trust and respect each other.

Even if I didn't trust him, and if I did believe there was a significant risk that he might cheat on him - I would not be asking him to change his behaviour, by not flirting with other girls. Rather than trying to change him, I'd be asking myself if I really wanted to be in that relationship in the first place.

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I also disagree with your excusing your boyfriend as an 'awful flirt' because 'it's just part of who he is'. Flirting is a conscious decision made between two adults, not an involuntary bodily reflex they are both incapable of stopping.

The thing is, I know him, you don't. Yes, he does have a flirty personality, and yes it is part of who he is - and probably one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place!

And yeah of course he could turn it off if he wanted to - for example, I would hope he doesn't act like that in business meetings at work! The point is that I wouldn't want him to change, I like him as he is, and I haven't the slightest problem with him messing and flirting with other girls.

Honestly it just depends on the boundaries defined by the two people in the relationship.

coffee_cake

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure any man who has been sexually or romantically involved with a woman has been flirtatious with her at some point, whether his wife is aware of it or not

A -> B does not mean B -> A

username123

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure any man who has been sexually or romantically involved with a woman has been flirtatious with her at some point, whether his wife is aware of it or not

Yes, but because in some cases flirtation leads to cheating, it doesnt mean that that holds for all cases and Id argue that far more cases of flirtation lead to nothing than lead to cheating.

You could just as easily argue that any man who has been sexually or romantically involved with a woman has worn aftershave for her at some point, whether or not his wife is aware of it - does that mean we should all presume aftershave wearing men are cheaters?

Edit - I see bluewolf has given a far less wordy response saying the same thing!

Sorcha16

username123 wrote: »

You could just as easily argue that any man who has been sexually or romantically involved with a woman has worn aftershave for her at some point, whether or not his wife is aware of it - does that mean we should all presume aftershave wearing men are cheaters?

You're missing the point of your own principle -I'm not implying that if you flirt you're likely to cheat but that if you have cheated, you're likely to have flirted.

username123

Sorcha16 wrote: »

You're missing the point of your own principle -I'm not implying that if you flirt you're likely to cheat but that if you have cheated, you're likely to have flirted.

But you originally said that someone saying they didnt mind their partner flirting was using the immortal words of many a cheated upon woman.

Which implied that flirting meant they were more likely to cheat. I disagree with that.

Unless I am completely missing what you meant by the immortal words comment?

Sorcha16

username123 wrote: »

Unless I am completely missing what you meant by the immortal words comment?

You've interpreted it wrongly, yes. My point was made against the poster's assertion that she knew with absolute, unwavering certainty what her boyfriend's motives were, without question. "I know him soooo well and I know he would never do x,y,z"

I don't believe that kind of certainty exists, everyone likes to think they know their partner entirely until the unimaginable happens. I was using the example of a wife being cheated on to illustrate how we can be inevitably let down by people we've had utmost faith in, not to suggest that flirting leads to cheating.

I think you should be wise enough to acknowledge that you can't always anticipate what may happen, no matter how well you might know someone because at the end of the day, the only certainties in life are death and taxes

The Big Red Button

Sorcha16 wrote: »

You've interpreted it wrongly, yes. My point was made against the poster's assertion that she knew with absolute, unwavering certainty what her boyfriend's motives were, without question. "I know him soooo well and I know he would never do x,y,z"

Is that aimed at me?

chatterpillar wrote: »

I can't state with 100% certainty that he won't ever cheat on me - however it would be extremely out of character for him.

Sorcha16

Not aimed at you Chatterpillar, no. Explaining my point to another poster, if that's ok.

And again that's precisely my point, of course everyone thinks it would be 'extremely out of character' for their partner to cheat. The average person isn't exactly drawn to someone they reckon is likely to betray them so bit of a moot point there

Ilyana

I think that flirting is kind of a spectrum; IMO it ranges from paying that little bit more attention to someone else, to more or less saying you want to kiss/sleep with someone. You can only go so far on that spectrum with someone other than your OH before it stops being harmless fun and becomes unacceptable.

When I was with my last boyfriend I would never have initiated flirting with anyone else. I don't think it's right to do that. If guys came on to me I wouldn't have shot them down right away, but chatted innocently with them until I could find a way to slip the fact that I had a boyfriend into the conversation. They usually took their leave soon after; I didn't have to act like a b*tch to make it known I was unavailable.

I think my boyfriend was like that too; he wouldn't be a d*ck to a girl who came on to him but he wouldn't let things continue into dangerous territory either.

g'em

Ellsbells wrote: »

Gem I am entitled to have a view without you calling it rubbish and on top of that I do have a healthy (and happy) relationship. Because I am happy with my fella I don't need to get attention from other guys. I get enough at home.

You're seeing things that aren't there Ellsbells, I don't believe I made any comment about you or your relationship. I did disagree with you, and it's ok for me to do that, this is a discussion board. I'm delighted to hear you and your fella are happy, long may it last.

I'll explain where I'm coming from: I detest the phrase "other half", I mean absolute hate it. I was a whole person before I met him and he doesn't 'complete' some missing part of me. He's my partner, we're going through life side by side, not intrinsically entwined. He gives me more support and love, care and compassion than I ever thought possible and I, hopefully, provide the same for him, that's why we've decided to go about spending the rest of our lives together. We compliment eachother brilliantly, but that doesn't negate the appeal of having a harmless bit of flirting. I flirted before I met him, I don't switch off all my social interactions just because I'm with someone.

The act of flirting is something that I believe is as second nature to us as pooping or spitting. It's in our nature to get people on side. It's fun, it's a thrill, and we all do it every single day whether we realise it or not. That smile at the bus driver, that extra friendly hello to the guy who works in the coffee shop, providing yourself with a little light jokey entertainment with the guy from accounts to give your day a lift - it's all flirting, most of it subconscious. It doesn't mean that I want to tear my panties off and hump one of the them because I'm not satisfied at home, it means I'm exercising my human nature to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. If anything all it does is remind me how bloody lucky I am to have someone so special at home.

I do think it's entirely possible to flirt without realising it, I'd say most flirting is done on a subconsious level.

Sorcha perhaps you've had some experiences in the past that have led you to hold such extreme opinions, perhaps not. I don't agree, I think both men and women can flirt without knowing they are. Having said that I don't think all flirting is innocent, but - naive as I may be - I'm quite happy for my fiancé to have a little flirt when he goes out. Maybe I'm a fool, but I trust him

Princess Peach

g'em wrote: »

I'll explain where I'm coming from: I detest the phrase "other half", I mean absolute hate it.

I'm not the only one I cringe when I see it, and it's on every damn thread :pac:

Sorcha16

g'em wrote: »

Sorcha perhaps you've had some experiences in the past that have led you to hold such extreme opinions, perhaps not. I don't agree, I think both men and women can flirt without knowing they are. Having said that I don't think all flirting is innocent, but - naive as I may be - I'm quite happy for my fiancé to have a little flirt when he goes out. Maybe I'm a fool, but I trust him

It's not foolish to trust your partner G'em, I don't think anyone would suggest otherwise. What's foolish is to believe you're going out with someone who's too socially inept to realise when they're flirting.

Seeing as these poor guys are all so innocent and clueless, I wonder how many overweight, bald middle-aged men they've accidentally flirted with? Not too many I'd wager! And that's not being extreme, it's having a bit of cop on.

EDIT: And you're seriously deluded if you think every exchange between two people is 'all flirting, most of it subconscious' -people smile at the bus driver to be polite for goodness sake, not because there's an undercurrent of sexual chemistry between them

Mod

Right folks, we can discuss this without resorting to inflammatory language or losing the head with each other.

This is the only on thread warning you will receive. Infractions will be handed out from here on in for those unable to partake in civil discussion.

Cheers
whoops

I think the issue here is people have very different views on what flirting is. I would hazard a guess that some consider flirting to be coming onto a member of the opposite sex. I think that's different - I would call that "coming onto a member of the opposite sex"!

I have a very flirty personality, it's not something I turn on or off, it's how I am, with everyone, women and men alike. I smile a lot, I am very chatty, I am very tactile. That doesn't mean I intend on kissing/sleeping/anything with these people. I won't even let a man buy me a drink in a bar.

If I saw a fella of mine flirting with a girl at the bar and thought "he's flirting with her because he wants to fcuk her" then yeh, I'd probably be upset, but in general flirting is, in my opinion, fun and harmless.

As someone said earlier, it's part of my personality, part of me, just because I suddenly find myself in a relationship doesn't mean that part of me is going to change.

Sorcha16

Deleted User wrote: »

I have a very flirty personality, it's not something I turn on or off, it's how I am, with everyone, women and men alike. I smile a lot, I am very chatty, I am very tactile.

That's not being flirty, it's being outgoing and sociable

Sorcha16

Sorcha16 wrote: »

That's not being flirty, it's being outgoing and sociable

Like I said, people appear to have different views on what flirting actually is.

Sorcha16

Deleted User wrote: »

Like I said, people appear to have different views on what flirting actually is.

I don't think there's room for ambiguity though. The Oxford dictionary tells us that flirting is to "behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions"

In fact, since when has it ever been anything else?

Sorcha16

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I don't think there's room for ambiguity though. The Oxford dictionary tells us that flirting is to "behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions"

In fact, since when has it ever been anything else?

There can still be many levels of it, regardless of what the dictionary says.

And it's interesting that it states "witout serious intent".

Sorcha16

Deleted User wrote: »

There can still be many levels of it, regardless of what the dictionary says.
And it's interesting that it states "witout serious intent".

What's interesting is that you'll dismiss the parts you don't like and handpick the ones you do.

Sorcha16

Sorcha16 wrote: »

What's interesting is that you'll dismiss the parts you don't like and handpick the ones you do.

What did I dismiss?

The Big Red Button

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I don't think there's room for ambiguity though. The Oxford dictionary tells us that flirting is to "behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions"

In fact, since when has it ever been anything else?

I think it's quite clear from this thread that the definition of flirting is very open to interpretation. Which, as mentioned, probably explains the very different views of what's OK and what isn't!

For example, would I be OK with my boyfriend (when out on his own) approaching a female stranger at the bar, buying her a drink, touching her, 'chatting her up' in a serious way, etc? NO, I sure as hell would not, whether or not it went any further than that. I'd hate to to think of him doing something like that.

However I am absolutely OK with him making funny suggestive comments to mutual female friends in front of me, dancing with female friends in a flirty way on nights out, winking and smiling at them etc ... because everyone knows where they stand, and we all know not to take it seriously. All of that could be seen as to "behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions", couldn't it? And yet I see no harm in it.

And, like I said, everyone has different boundaries and different ideas of what's 'OK' and what isn't.

baby and crumble

Really, the thread title should be "Is flirting (while in a relationship) acceptable to you?"

chatterpillar

chatterpillar wrote: »

'chatting her up'

Couldn't for the life of me think of that term! thanks!

Yeh, chatting someone up is very different IMO.

coffee_cake

It's funny how we all have our own pet hates in terms, I know I have loads. I always thought OH meant two halves in a relationship, two halves of a new greater whole, not that you were half a person!!

Ellsbells

Moonbaby wrote: »

For me in order for it to be called flirting, there has to be an intent there.
Chatting, jokey banter etc don't come under my definition..

Exactly!!!

Neewbie_noob

Ellsbells wrote: »

I know I would hate and worry if I saw my other half flirting with someone. I think there is always an intent behind flirting as its possible to turn it on or off.

Would you think it's acceptable?

Mod Edit: Please see here for mod note.

I would consider it to be borderline cheating, as flirting is a way of telling another guy / gal you are interested in them. If you are flirting in a relationship you are either

1. Sending out signals to another guy/girl that you are interested when you aren't (which is childish mind games)
2. Actually genuinley are interested in persuing this guy / girl, in which case you shouldn't be in a relationship

I love my girlfriend

wandatowell

I faced this issue myself on Saturday night, Got chatting to a bird in a pub who is friends with a few of my friends and started to flirt with her.

TBH within minutes it felt wrong (So imho there's not one correct answer to the question, it depends on each person). I felt guilty for flirting/leading on women when the person I love was at home so I quickly made my excuses and chatted to others at the table. I wasnt rude or abrupt about I just started letting others into the conversation we were having and slowly talked to her less and less.

LeeHoffmann

I'll explain where I'm coming from: I detest the phrase "other half", I mean absolute hate it. I was a whole person before I met him and he doesn't 'complete' some missing part of me. He's my partner, we're going through life side by side, not intrinsically entwined.

:pac: I´m one of those people. When I say the OH, I don´t mean to declare to the world that I am half a person. It´s a suitably relaxed turn of phrase for me. I´d feel very stiff calling him my partner or even my husband.

As others have said, I think people interpret ´flirting´ differently. I think Ilyana´s way of seeing it (i.e. as a spectrum) is helpful. For a time, I over-thought the matter and ended up avoiding eye contact with all men I didn´t know, which is obviously ridiculous. :rolleyes: I started thinking I was ugly because I never saw any guys looking my way. When I finally lifted my eyes from the ground, I started to notice an admiring glance here and there, which, I won´t lie, did wonders for my self-confidence.

I think there is such a thing as harmless flirting. I worked as a receptionist for a while in an office in the city centre. Some couriers and maintenance guys were in the office several times a week. Some of them would flirt innocently saying things like "morning gorgeous. I missed you last week" etc. I´d laugh and smile away with them. I had a sparkler on my hand that broadcasted ´not available´, but even without it, I doubt anybody ever thought there was real intent. If I had seen the same courier out in a club one night and we were talking for a while and he kept making comments about me being good looking, then I would view that more seriously - i.e. it´s not just friendly greetings.

So yes there is a moving line between what´s just friendly light-hearted ego-stroking flirting and serious meaningful flirting. What I think is interesting is that the kind of banter and light flirtation described above would be common and generally acceptable in Irish society (I´d think), but the same behaviour in another country could be viewed completely differently because it´s not the norm. I´m living in Germany atm and I don´t think that kind of banter/flirtation would be as common here - so, if somebody flirted with me that way here, I´d probably assume a different level of intent. If I ever think there´s any ambiguity, I find a way to mention the OH in conversation.

TL, DR? :
I say OH but I´m not half a person.
Flirtatious greetings are common in Irish society so I think they´re OK.
It´s important to be aware of how your behaviour will be perceived by others.