Is flirting (while in a relationship) acceptable?

Ellsbells

I know I would hate and worry if I saw my other half flirting with someone. I think there is always an intent behind flirting as its possible to turn it on or off.

Would you think it's acceptable?

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The Big Red Button

I've no problem with it myself.

My boyfriend is a an awful flirt, it's just part of who he is, it doesn't bother me in the slightest becauseI know there's no intent behind it, whatsoever.

I don't know, maybe it would bother me if I thought he was doing it sneakily, without me knowing. But sure he'll happily do it right in front of me, so the way I see it, what's there to worry about? I actually find it quite funny! He doesn't take it seriously, and neither do I, and neither do the girls (or guys!) that he's flirting with, so I don't see any harm in it at all.

I don't think I flirt as much as he does, but again, he trusts me and wouldn't be bothered by it if I did.

It just depends on the people and situation involved, though. If I wasn't comfortable and felt he was going overboard with it, I would tell him that, and I'd expect him to respect this and take it into consideration.

Stench Blossoms

I don't think it's acceptable especially if the partner of the flirter doesn't know it's going on.

I'd hate to think some girl was getting all big headed because an OH of mine was flirting with them.

Some people say it's harmless. But what if the person they are flirting with doesn't know the flirter is in a relationship? I think that that's quite mean because it could be seen as leading them on.

ElleEm

Same as Chatterpillar.
My boyfriend is super flirty- he just loves people! I have no issues with it at all, as I know it's all done in fun. I trust him completely and have no concerns about him being unfaithful. It's not like he only flirts with hot youngones though, he flirts with grannies and everything. The oul ones are mad for him!

ElleEm

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I don't think it's acceptable especially if the partner of the flirter doesn't know it's going on.

I'd hate to think some girl was getting all big headed because an OH of mine was flirting with them.

Some people say it's harmless. But what if the person they are flirting with doesn't know the flirter is in a relationship? I think that that's quite mean because it could be seen as leading them on.

What does that matter? If someone made a pass at my guy, (and they have in the past), he simply says he is in a relationship. Although he mentions me within minutes of meeting ANYONE so it would be hard for them not to know he is in relationship. It's all playful fun, that's all.

RacoonQueen

ElleEm wrote: »

What does that matter? If someone made a pass at my guy, (and they have in the past), he simply says he is in a relationship. Although he mentions me within minutes of meeting ANYONE so it would be hard for them not to know he is in relationship. It's all playful fun, that's all.

Except for the person who is being flirted with and thinks they might have a chance with someone(you know making a move and then being rejected), or, knows someone is in a relationship and feels guilty because they know that person has a partner and might be looking to cheat on them?

Can see where stench blossoms is coming from there.

Stench Blossoms

ElleEm wrote: »

What does that matter? If someone made a pass at my guy, (and they have in the past), he simply says he is in a relationship. Although he mentions me within minutes of meeting ANYONE so it would be hard for them not to know he is in relationship. It's all playful fun, that's all.

But what if he didn't mention that he was in a relationship and he started flirting with someone? Or if someone started flirting with him and he failed to mention you? Do you not think that that is leading someone on?

If he always mentions the relationship then that's fair enough. But I'm talking about people who don't mention the fact they are in a relationship.

ElleEm

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Except for the person who is being flirted with and thinks they might have a chance with someone(you know making a move and then being rejected), or, knows someone is in a relationship and feels guilty because they know that person has a partner and might be looking to cheat on them?

Can see where stench blossoms is coming from there.

Yeah, I suppose you're right. Maybe in my situation, I know my boyfriend is very upfront about being in a relationship, so I don't believe girls are being led on. Although even knowing he is in a relationship has not stopped some girls from trying it on :eek:

I flirt too, but again, it's all in fun. If I got the sense that the guy I was flirting with thought something might happen, I would ALWAYS mention my boyfriend.

SCOOP 64

It doesn't matter with most blokes if you mention your boyfriend on not,if they think they see the green light for go,
could be awkward for you.

nig1

nig1 wrote: »

It doesn't matter with most blokes if you mention your boyfriend on not,if they think they see the green light for go,
could be awkward for you.

Can you explain your post a bit better?

Stench Blossoms

nig1 wrote: »

It doesn't matter with most blokes if you mention your boyfriend on not,if they think they see the green light for go,
could be awkward for you.

That seems like a bit a generalization of men to me. Not all men are like that.

Princess Peach

The issue for me is I don't actually know what flirting is :pac: I have been told I'm a flirt, but it's the only way I know how to be! I'm just friendly and funny. If a guy comes up to me in a bar, I will chat away no problem. More than likely be wants to take it a bit further, but I don't want to say I can't talk to you I have a boyfriend! Someone explain to me please the difference between chatting and chatting up :pac:

My boyfriend is pretty much the same. I've seen him online and in person tell female friends they are gorgeous, no issue with it cause they are! If I found out he was chatting to a stranger, I would have no issue, I know he has no intent. If he did cross whatever line exists between flirty and chatty it would most likely be because it was funny to!

username123

Theres a big difference between serious flirting, ie, coming onto someone, and having bags of charm - ie, the grannies are mad for him.

The grannies are mad for my husband, women love him, he is cheeky and complimentary and a bit of fun with them. He tones it down the closer to his own age the woman gets!! But he is not coming onto anyone. He is only being charming.

Women do come onto him sometimes but he just tells them he is married.

I wouldnt be happy if I heard he was actually coming onto someone but he can charm the ladies to his hearts content as far as Im concerned.

SCOOP 64

Just the flirting with someone else, but saying i have a boyfriend ,would leave me thinking how much do you care about him to be flirting with me, maybe its just a echo trip, you could have a nice conversation with people with out flirting.

SarahBeep!

In my opinion, doing anything ou wouldn't want your OH to find out about would be cheating.
If your partner is ok with you flirting then go for it, if not, have some respect and don't do something you know would upset them.

g'em

Ellsbells wrote: »

I think there is always an intent behind flirting as its possible to turn it on or off.

Rubbish, it's entirely possible to flirt for the craic of it Flirting is perfectky acceptable for people in a healthy relationship, it's a gentle ego-stroke and as long as it's taken at face value and not used as a means to substitute the relationship itself then there's no harm in it at all.

My partner flirts and doesn't realise it with girls and I think it's quite fun to watch, where's the harm in seeing him enjoy the attention? He's going to be going home with me at the end of the night regardless.

baby and crumble

I've spoken about myself and my gf's stance on flirting before on here. I am horrifically flirty. I will flirt with everyone, regardless of gender and age (without being illegal of course!!!) because it's fun. All my family are the same, I was out with my Dad, 2 brothers and my sister-in-law and at one point we were ALL flirting with the same waitress. I met my sister-in-laws eye and she just alughed. I will admit sometimes it slightly backfires because I flirt a lot but am rubbish at discerning when other people are flirting with me. So I inadvertantly have led other people on and then my gf has to step in and do damage control.

In general though, myself and my gf agree that flirting is fine so long as it's not done with intent to score, and that it's not blatantly done in front of the other- as in when it's just the 2 of us, flirting with the waitress is not ok. (Although we have been known to team up and double flirt, which is highly amusing and often gets us bigger deserts. HUZZAH!) But at a party it's fine, so long as it's not done with major intent. Flirting to get better seats, faster service at the bar, no problem. In fact we applaud each other for it. :P

My absolute favourite thing to do is to flirt with straight women in their 40's and 50's, especially if they know I'm gay. They're up for a laugh and get a real kick out of doing something so 'naughty' as flirting with a woman. Everyone knows the score and it's fun.

Ellsbells

Gem I am entitled to have a view without you calling it rubbish and on top of that I do have a healthy (and happy) relationship. Because I am happy with my fella I don't need to get attention from other guys. I get enough at home.

I don't understand the phrase 'to flirt without intent' - why would you flirt so?? Flirting is always with the intention of having someone like you more or for them to think you like them.

daenerysstormborn3

My boyfriend is a really friendly person. He's always smiling so he looks very approachable. He doesn't necessarily flirt with other ladies, he's just very friendly, although I'd say his friendliness is probably perceived as flirting by other ladies.

When we first got together it did bother me, I won't lie. He'd go up to the bar to get us a drink and he'd spend 10 minutes chatting to the barmaid and she'd be lapping it up. I realised very quickly though that he just saw it as harmless banter and there was nothing behind it. He's with me, he goes home with me etc. so there's no hassle there.

There have been a few times where I've had to kind of give him a dose of cop on when he didn't realise he was leading someone on. One time in particular we were in a bar having some drinks and we got chatting to a bloke down from Belfast for the weekend, who was on his own. I had to go around the corner to the shop for phone credit or something. I was gone about 20 minutes and while I was gone the 2 lads went out to the smoking area. When I came back they had spent the time I was gone chatting to 2 ladies. My boyfriend didn't cop that it looked to the ladies like they had paired up for the night. When I approached them, one of the ladies got a bit shirty with me, like I was on her territory. I introduced myself as my bf's girlfriend and she was so embarrassed that she made her friend leave with her straight away, full of apologies. My boyfriend thought that she must have seen us together earlier in the night and was just harmlessly chatting. He didn't see how it looked to the lady at all.

My boyfriend is friends with all but one of his exes so I think that helps with any jealousy or insecurities. What I mean is, if I have no problem with him being friends with ladies he once slept with, then it would be kind of silly to get worked up over a bit of chat and banter.

I would be quite flirtatious myself but I'm a guarded person so I wouldn't get approached as much as my bf. When I am approached by fellas, who I know are looking for more than a friendly chat, I tend to head them off early on by mentioning I have a boyfriend. I had an awful experience in a pub a couple of years ago with a guy who went ape **** when, after chatting for about 15 minutes, I mentioned I had a boyfriend, and he just went ballistic, threw a drink over me, told me I shouldn't be out without my boyfriend etc. He had to be dragged out by bouncers, kicking and screaming. Gave me a fright so I'm a lot more careful since that.

CarMe

Friendly is one thing, and of course is absolutely acceptable but flirting?
No sorry it's totally disrespectful to your other half, I don't believe men are really stupid enough to just "not realise they're leading someone on"! I know a few guys who do this around their girlfriend and full blown cheat behind their backs.
I know it's the cool response to say oh it doesn't bother me Im totally secure but being secure isn't the point, to me it's downright rude and disrespectful.

daenerysstormborn3

CarMe wrote: »

Friendly is one thing, and of course is absolutely acceptable but flirting?
No sorry it's totally disrespectful to your other half, I don't believe men are really stupid enough to just "not realise they're leading someone on"! I know a few guys who do this around their girlfriend and full blown cheat behind their backs.
I know it's the cool response to say oh it doesn't bother me Im totally secure but being secure isn't the point, to me it's downright rude and disrespectful.

Presume this is aimed at my post.

I could care less about the "cool" response. I don't judge people who are not comfortable with their OH flirting with others so I expect not to be judged in return.

You don't know my boyfriend or my relationship so comparing it to the "few guys" you know who do this and cheat is extremely foolish. And my boyfriend isn't "stupid" for being unaware of whatever effect he may have on the people he speaks to. He's not stupid at all. He has more close female friends than close male friends (although his 2 best friends are male) and he gets on well with women and that's great for him. I'd be worn out wondering about all his exchanges!

Threads like this always seem to descend into this argument that some people are only saying certain things to be cool. Every relationship is different, that's how the world goes round. Every couple have their own lines that can't be crossed, that's what makes every relationship different.

You say for you it's "rude and disrespectful" and that's fair enough but I don't look at it like that at all.

Stheno

I don't mind it to be honest, the OH has a lot of female friends and they would flirt with each other.

baby and crumble

Ellsbells wrote: »

I don't understand the phrase 'to flirt without intent' - why would you flirt so?? Flirting is always with the intention of having someone like you more or for them to think you like them.

Not for me. I guess it boils down to how you perceive something. I don't flirt to make people like me. I don't flirt to make people think I like them. I flirt because I enjoy having fun with people, and I enjoy chatting and being a bit charming, or at least trying to. When I say 'with intent' I mean with intent to score the other person, or get a number or whatever. If anyone asks me for my number or gives me theirs I will say thanks, I'm in a relationship, so if you'd like to meet up as friends then great.

I don't take much terribly seriously, and flirting is the same. If I actually fancy someone, properly, I can't actually flirt. I just moon at them from far away and make really stupid comments if I actually get to talk to them. It took me ages to actually flirt properly with my gf before we got together, so she knows only too well what I'm like. It's when I get shy around someone she has to worry!

CarMe

pixiebean22 wrote: »

Presume this is aimed at my post.

I could care less about the "cool" response. I don't judge people who are not comfortable with their OH flirting with others so I expect not to be judged in return.

You don't know my boyfriend or my relationship so comparing it to the "few guys" you know who do this and cheat is extremely foolish. And my boyfriend isn't "stupid" for being unaware of whatever effect he may have on the people he speaks to. He's not stupid at all.

Threads like this always seem to descend into this argument that some people are only saying certain things to be cool. Every relationship is different, that's how the world goes round. Every couple have their own lines that can't be crossed, that's what makes every relationship different.

You say for you it's "rude and disrespectful" and that's fair enough but I don't look at it like that at all.

Wow I think you need to calm down
I never mentioned or quoted any other post I simply gave my opinion, same as everyone else :O

daenerysstormborn3

CarMe wrote: »

Wow I think you need to calm down
I never mentioned or quoted any other post I simply gave my opinion, same as everyone else :O

:pac: okay then. Aside from the fact that you directly quoted something I said. Moving on.

CarMe

pixiebean22 wrote: »

:pac: okay then. Aside from the fact that you directly quoted something I said. Moving on.

Didn't even realise I did-still don't to be honest but it's probably something that others from your viewpoint have stated too so was nothing personal!

Sorcha16

I'm probably gonna get roasted for all of this but screw it, here goes..

chatterpillar wrote: »

My boyfriend is a an awful flirt, it's just part of who he is, it doesn't bother me in the slightest becauseI know there's no intent behind it, whatsoever.

The immortal words spoken by aeons of woman whose husbands have been cheating on them. I'm not suggesting for a moment that your boyfriend has or ever will cheat on you but claiming 100% certainty in absolute terms about someone else's motives is just naive and smacks a little of immaturity.

People do unpredictable things all the time and you can never 'know' what's hypothetically around the corner. Marriages have collapsed after 40 years because someone did something they would Never Ever do.

I also disagree with your excusing your boyfriend as an 'awful flirt' because 'it's just part of who he is'. Flirting is a conscious decision made between two adults, not an involuntary bodily reflex they are both incapable of stopping.

g'em wrote: »

My partner flirts and doesn't realise it with girls

Sorry but this above all else p1sses me right off -unless men are still brain-dead grunting neanderthals (which they are not) they are bloody well aware when they are having a little flirty exchange with the opposite sex.

This 'I don't even know I'm doing it' nonsense is just peddled to soften the impact to a potentially irate partner and excuse the behaviour by claiming diminished responsibility. It also gives them free reign to carry on because, well, they aren't even aware of it, right? Clever all round really!

I'd have much more respect for a man who straight-up admits 'Yes, I was purposely flirting because even though I love you, I'm still human and enjoy a little frivolous interaction with the opposite sex' instead of lying like a school-boy with such little self-awareness that he hasn't a clue what he's even doing half the time!

TL/DR? Men, man up+tell the truth and women, quit falling for clichéd crap

username123

Ellsbells wrote: »

I don't understand the phrase 'to flirt without intent' - why would you flirt so?? Flirting is always with the intention of having someone like you more or for them to think you like them.

And do you think there is something wrong with enjoying a bit of flattery or attention?

I would think to 'flirt without intent' means to just have a bit of craic, a bit of fun, give and get a bit of attention - but no intent to take it any further than that.

Princess Peach

I can't answer on this flirting with intent thing until someone genuinely explains to me what flirting is, I'm not even joking!

I have lost touch with 2 male friends, as they became romantically interested in me. One told a friend he liked me and thinks I like him back cause I always talk to him on nights out and online and I am pretty flirty. I though in both instances we were just friends and I was being as friendly with them as with female friends, no more or less and I wasn't ever talking about anything inappropriate.

When I found out they fancied me I kinda just cut contact cause I didn't know how to behave with them, as I was just being myself. No intent in that and I couldn't have consciously stopped myself unless I knew what I was doing that counted as flirting! It's just the way I talk to people!

For me in order for it to be called flirting, there has to be an intent there.
Chatting, jokey banter etc don't come under my definition.
You know your own partner, you know where their line is.
I wouldn't tolerate flirting for any reason.

Emeraldy Pebbles

I'd be a bit bothered about it. Would love to say I'd be cool with it but I can't. I don't know if I'm flirty myself, as I can't observe my own behaviour without bias.