Deal Breaker in a Relationship

mood

Orim wrote: »

Is it too cliche that my dealbreaker would be someone having dealbreakers going into the realtionship?

It just smacks of an inability to compromise and deal with situations as they are. It's all well and good having preferences/ideals (which seems to be what most people are describing as opposed to full on dealbreakers) but if I'm going to go out with someone then I think they have to be able to realise that life isn't perfect and sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation.

I agree that some deal breakers people have stated are OTT. However, some are important and relevant. I would only have a few deal breakers ie not wanting someone abusive etc. I won't be compromising on that. Also, I want to get married and have kids so someone who doesn't believe in marriage and hates kids is a no no. It would be very naive of me to think I could 'deal' with these situations are they arise.

Northclare

That might work for grown up people like you and I but there's a kind of lack of maturity in people with overly inflated egos and MTV reality TV lifestyles :S

mood

Northclare wrote: »

That might work for grown up people like you and I but there's a kind of lack of maturity in people with overly inflated egos and MTV reality TV lifestyles :S

Maybe some of the poster here are young and not very mature but I would be very surprised if any of them had a MTV reality TV lifestyles. I they are ordinary people just like you or me.

Orim

mood wrote: »

I agree that some deal breakers people have stated are OTT. However, some are important and relevant. I would only have a few deal breakers ie not wanting someone abusive etc. I won't be compromising on that. Also, I want to get married and have kids so someone who doesn't believe in marriage and hates kids is a no no. It would be very naive of me to think I could 'deal' with these situations are they arise.

Very true, I guess I didn't consider the really serious stuff. I guess it's just from reading the thread I saw a lot of really minor things and that's where my thought process was.

Considering that then I guess physical or mental abuse would be my dealbreaker. But that's when in a realtionship. Going into the realtionship I'd doubt I'd know about it so it wouldn't really be a consideration going into things.

It's an ability to compromise. Even with the kids thing, for example, I don't want kids but I wouldn't rule someone out that did. I just see it as something that has to be dealt with within the realtionship. Obviously it's a serious considerration so would have to be dealt with before it gets too serious but it should still be given a shot.

I think I'm rambling nonsensically now so I'm going to stop

Northclare

Well maybe not MTV but their totally different to the generation of being in your 20s during the 90s

Orim

Northclare wrote: »

Well maybe not MTV but their totally different to the generation of being in your 20s during the 90s

Hey, that's my generation you're giving out about then :mad:

Reku

Sauve wrote: »

This is a very tough one. I have to say I'd be wary getting into a relationship with someone who had serious mental issues. I wouldn't completely rule it out though, as each situation is different and everybody handles their issues differently.
I suppose I'd weigh up the situation on its' own merits, though I know I'd find it difficult to be a crutch for somebody. It might sound selfish, but I know what it's like to be around someone who went through an extended rough patch, and as much as I was supportive and helped all I could, it totally drained me and by the end of it I was no use to them or to myself. If you care about someone, it's all too easy to take their problems on as your own.

Then again, if you're in a relationship, you have to take the rough with the smooth, so like I said, it's a tough one!!

And yet people are usually horrified that I decided to stop dating, this is precisely why, you're stuck with either dragging them down with you or you're actively keeping them out, lying when the ask how you are or what you're thinking, in which case why are you even in a relationship?

One of life's little paradoxes; were I to date it'd have to be someone with a good heart, and yet who would understand that I don't want them sharing my pain.

mood

Orim wrote: »

Very true, I guess I didn't consider the really serious stuff. I guess it's just from reading the thread I saw a lot of really minor things and that's where my thought process was.

Considering that then I guess physical or mental abuse would be my dealbreaker. But that's when in a realtionship. Going into the realtionship I'd doubt I'd know about it so it wouldn't really be a consideration going into things.

It's an ability to compromise. Even with the kids thing, for example, I don't want kids but I wouldn't rule someone out that did. I just see it as something that has to be dealt with within the realtionship. Obviously it's a serious considerration so would have to be dealt with before it gets too serious but it should still be given a shot.

I think I'm rambling nonsensically now so I'm going to stop

A relationship it doomed from the start if one person wants kids and the other doesn't (assuming the relationship is to get serious). Why enter into such a relationship?

starlit

@ Mood, I suppose what you are saying which I think if it boils down to wanting different things in life and different interests/likes/tastes even lifestyle it can be a bit of a deal breaker.

Different interests, likes and tastes can be overcome if a couple shares similar or the same tastes/likes/interests as well not just having different ones though it makes each other interesting when there is a combination of that. Opposites can attract but sometimes that can be a deal breaker in itself. Though not saying that the whole yin/yang thing doesn't work like in terms of personalities it can work out for the better like for a couple.

Clicking and gelling well with the person is one thing but all the other stuff comes as part of the package too so one or two things on different interests/likes/tastes is nothing but liking and taking an interest in a lot of different things or mostly different things then its likely not to work out if they don't have something in common.

Rossin

i think what mood is saying is not wanting/wanting kids is on a whole other level to having different interests/likes/tastes!

starlit

Rossin wrote: »

i think what mood is saying is not wanting/wanting kids is on a whole other level to having different interests/likes/tastes!

I know that but what mood is focusing on people 'wanting different things' is a conflict of interest for both parties not just the whole likes/interests/tastes kind of things as that can be over come. The whole 'wanting different things' cannot be overcome meaning a conflict of interest and not wanting to share the same view/interest.

mood

Rossin wrote: »

i think what mood is saying is not wanting/wanting kids is on a whole other level to having different interests/likes/tastes!

Yes. It's a deal breaker for me. It is not something a couple can compromise on.

Orim

mood wrote: »

Yes. It's a deal breaker for me. It is not something a couple can compromise on.

It's something I may be able to compromise on personnally. The right person, the right connection, maybe.

As I say it's something that would need to be looked at early on before things got too serious.

Honey-ec

Orim wrote: »

It's something I may be able to compromise on personnally. The right person, the right connection, maybe.

You won't, believe me. Even if one or both parties think it's something they can compromise on, it will rear its ugly head again eventually. I married a man who swore blind he was happy to forego having kids, even though he'd always assumed he would have them. 3.5 years later, to no-one's surprise but mine apparently, he decided that he did want kids after all, and we split because of it.

Kids are the one, major deal-breaker in a relationship. There *is* no compromise to be had there. You can't have half a child.

mood

Orim wrote: »

It's something I may be able to compromise on personnally. The right person, the right connection, maybe.

As I say it's something that would need to be looked at early on before things got too serious.

I suppose I would think of compromising as meeting someone half way rather than one person going along with what the other wants or doesn't want. Considering it is something I personally won't compromise on it is a definite deal breaker.

Orim

Compromise is definetely the wrong word but I think maybe I could do it. But I fully admit that I'm still relatively young and have been told more than once that my mind will change once I hit 30.

mood

Orim wrote: »

Compromise is definetely the wrong word but I think maybe I could do it. But I fully admit that I'm still relatively young and have been told more than once that my mind will change once I hit 30.

As you get older you KNOW if something is deal breaker rather than a perference.

Daveysil15

CastorTroy wrote: »

I'm also not a fan of women constantly chewing gum. It just looks really bad, in my opinion. Especially when they make it really obvious and are chewing like a horse.

Well at least her breath will be fresh. I'd take a gum chewer over a smoker any day.

Hazys

No1 Dealbreaker - Racism

I think thats probably the only thing i couldnt get over. I think anybody who is racist is a very ignorant person with personal issues and i think that level of ignorance and cruelty would clash with me on so many other topics and aspects in life.

A religious person i could get over, if they understood I'm not religious and i dont want to be pushed to change my beliefs.

A smoker i could get over if i really liked her.

etc.

But a racist is a disgusting person to me, it would never work.

Rossin

well i would've thought racism was a given! or any sort of monster for that matter

CastorTroy

As well as being cruel to animals. I know some people don't like animals for whatever reason but someone who didn't have a problem with dogs being tied to train tracks or something as evil.

ViveLaVie

Stinginess.

One of my friends is really stingy and it makes planning trips a nightmare. She's pulled out at the last minute loads of times and often just refuses point blank to go places that cost money. Now this girl has a well-paying job and literally no expenses as she lives at home and doesn't pay rent. She has huge savings in the bank. What's the point in having money if you won't spend it!?

I couldn't date someone who was stingy. I would hate to have to sit in home all the time cos he refused to spend any money. Memories are more valuable to me than a big fat wallet.

That said, I wouldn't have a problem dating someone who genuinely couldn't afford to do things, I just don't like when people whinge about being broke when they're not.

Also, elitism of any kind really infuriates me.

cantdecide

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Stinginess...Memories are more valuable to me than a big fat wallet.

Or any size wallet! Couldn't agree more.

The way some people scrounge borders mental illness, IMO. I've had times in my life where I've had pretty respectable bank balances and other times, not so. I've learned that unless you're doing VERY well, there's little you can do to hold onto it.

The Cool

As opposed to a lot of people on here, a guy with no religion or who was against it would be a dealbreaker for me. Don't get me wrong I'm no bible basher, don't even know when I was last at church other than funerals - last summer maybe?? but I do have my beliefs etc and I do want to get married in a church and I do want my kids to be christened. Somebody who hated the idea of all that just wouldn't work as a life partner for me.

Also, he has to want to get married and have kids.

Other than that, I think compromise is the one trait that I'd need to be there. He's gotta have the cop to know that it's not all him, that I get to have a say as well (and on the flip side, to stand his ground and not let me take over,though I don't think I'd do that really). Just consideration for what I would want in whatever situation. I think that every problem that you can have in a relationship can be dealt with fairly and happily if you have that.

Daveysil15

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Ambition...haha - I´d never look for this in a partner. People with no ambition are extremely rare. Too much ambition would be instakill for me.

I agree. Ambition seems to be a big deal for the ladies. If everyone was ambitious there'd be nobody to the low-paying jobs.

Pembily wrote: »

The main one for me is ambition, without that it's a huge NO for me!? Fake ambition is worse :mad:

What the hell is fake ambition?

Rossin

ambition doesnt bother me either way, some people are just happy and content with what they have and there's nothing wrong with that imo as long as theyre happy

Blowfish

Daveysil15 wrote: »

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Ambition...haha - I´d never look for this in a partner. People with no ambition are extremely rare. Too much ambition would be instakill for me.

I agree. Ambition seems to be a big deal for the ladies. If everyone was ambitious there'd be nobody to the low-paying jobs.

When people mention ambition, they don't necessarily mean solely career ambition. I think it's more a reference to a 'lust for life' in that they want to constantly keep learning, keep finding new interests and keep trying to improve at whatever they do in order to become the best person they possibly could be.

Blisterman

Yeah that exactly what I meant in my original post. I know too many people just willing to coast their way aimlessly through life, with no real passion for anything.

Pembily

Daveysil15 wrote: »

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

Ambition...haha - I´d never look for this in a partner. People with no ambition are extremely rare. Too much ambition would be instakill for me.

I agree. Ambition seems to be a big deal for the ladies. If everyone was ambitious there'd be nobody to the low-paying jobs.

Pembily wrote: »

The main one for me is ambition, without that it's a huge NO for me!? Fake ambition is worse :mad:

What the hell is fake ambition?

When the hell did I write that??

I don't mean career ambition, I mean ambition in general. Doing stuff rather than sitting at home watching tv. Getting out there and doing stuff.

Fake ambition IMO is where someone tells you they want to do stuff but never do anything about it...

username123

A guy who was mad into any kind of tribal sport like rugby, soccer or GAA, something that there are tee shirts and songs for. Nothing wrong with it, just wouldnt interest me, the drinking culture that goes with it would also turn me off. (watching not playing one of those sports)
The notion that a match is more important than life events like someones wedding or a childs birthday or a holiday or weekend away just baffles me and I wouldnt be bothered with someone with that view.

Someone who views the local pub as an extension of their sitting room, somewhere to go alone and just chat to the 'lads' over a few pints, a few times a week or a place to drop into for no reason and just drink. Anyone who drank excessively though whether it be in the pub or at home.

Obviously racism, bigotry of any sort really, sexism, homophobia etc....

Someone who wasnt that intelligent. I need to be able to have intellectual conversations with my life partner.

Stinginess.

Any kind of aggressive or angry tendencies (I mean the type who'd pick a fight in a pub or with a stranger).