SUPPORT for victims of sexual assault thread - mod warning post #1

Lola18

I think the reason so many people keep quiet about sexual abuse and rape is because of fear. Being afraid of how people will react to you and whether they will believe you! I tried open up to my mum 4 years ago not long after an incident I had and she couldn't believe me I still don't think she believes me! It's makes it so hard to deal with when someone close to you won't listen!

edellc

Lola18 wrote: »

I think the reason so many people keep quiet about sexual abuse and rape is because of fear. Being afraid of how people will react to you and whether they will believe you! I tried open up to my mum 4 years ago not long after an incident I had and she couldn't believe me I still don't think she believes me! It's makes it so hard to deal with when someone close to you won't listen!

Very true Lola18 but there is always and ear here, hope your doing okay x

statina

First time to write in the Ladies Lounge, long time lurker! I just want to say this thread has moved me to tears on more than one occasion. For those who have shared their stories, you are all incredibly strong and amazing. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you and i am so desperately sorry that you have had to go through this.

I dont have any stories personally but I have very close friends who have been sexually assaulted. They told me about it when it happened and we talked about it then. However the attack would have taken place about 10 years ago and im ashamed to say i have never brought up the conversation in the passin years as in my naiveity, they seem fine. However from reading the stories this may not be the case and i need to check that my friends are ok.

thanks again to everyone for sharing their stories and for anyone trying to derail the thread-fcuk off!!

Moomoo1

miec wrote: »

After an incident about two years later I knew I had to report my half brother to the social services. I did it knowing I would lose my entire family. That is the reality that faces many, many people who do this. It is why so many people who are abused by family members don't report things and don't rock the boat and play the let's pretend to play happy families. The horror of the situation is too much and my God the loneliness can be crippling.

I know from an outside perspective it is very hard to understand why people are friendly / loving to their abusers, IMHO its because they are in denial but also because in a weird way they love that person.

Why do you think that they effectively chose your half-brother over you in this? Is it only because you rocked the boat, or was it for other reasons (he was male/older/etc)? Do you think they believed you?

From their point of view it would have been just as easy to ostracise him as you...

finally regarding having nobody to talk to about what happened to you: are there no victim groups in Ireland for this? I don't mean counselling, but other people like you who you could get in touch with?

sambuka41

Moomoo1 wrote: »

From their point of view it would have been just as easy to ostracise him as you...

I don't think anything is as black and white as that. There are loads of reasons why people will side with the abuser, its very complicated.

miec

Why do you think that they effectively chose your half-brother over you in this? Is it only because you rocked the boat, or was it for other reasons (he was male/older/etc)? Do you think they believed you?

Yes they believed me but at the same time they did not want to believe me, why would they? It is far more comfortable to deny something than to face up to it. I don't believe it had anything to do with him being older / male. It has to do with wanting to deny it, pretend it never happened.

From their point of view it would have been just as easy to ostracise him as you...

If they ostracise him then they have to accept / acknowledge what he did, some families do side with the victim others respond like mine.

finally regarding having nobody to talk to about what happened to you: are there no victim groups in Ireland for this? I don't mean counselling, but other people like you who you could get in touch with?

Not that I know of except for an online discussion board with One in Four.

boomkatalog

It might be a good idea to post details for organisations that can be contacted for support in this thread, maybe in the opening post?

Kimia

It's funny. Someone mentioned above about how it's only after reading this thread that you realize Hey, I was assaulted. I never considered myself a victim but I too have had dubious experiences over the years, and just thought that they were my fault and kind of forgot about them, or I suppose what I really did was channel them into other unhealthy behaviour.

When I was young my father was an alcoholic who would come home locked and scare us all. I was a bright enough young kid and would have read lots of books, a lot of them probably in hindsight a bit too grown up for me. I remember being terrified of my father. He came home so many times in a drunken state, and would then tell me how he loved me and how I was his beautiful little girl etc, and it creeped me out. He never did anything but I was so scared of him and how he was when he was drunk. Add this to my hyperactive imagination and I would be frozen with fear and would try to hide whenever I heard him come in. Isn't that awful. I have a relationship with him now and he doesn't know any of this. I feel bad like I'm belittling or demeaning someone who was abused when they were young but that's how I felt.

When I was a teenager I was friendly with this guy. He was sensitive and thoughtful and we were very close. I always knew he kind of fancied me but took no notice and never gave him any sign that I liked him. One day we were joking around and I don't know how it happened but he pinned me down on my stomach and stuck his fingers inside me. It was so sore and I was screaming at him to stop. I don't know what possessed him to this day, I really don't. I feel so ashamed too about it, like I shouldn't have screamed (how uncool of me).

I had some questionable experiences with other men over the years. I've definitely had the crotch and ass grabbing. I had a ons with someone who slapped me across the face, how humiliating.

I'm so glad this thread is here. What horrifies me is that out of what, almost 500 posts, where maybe 75% of them have been someone posting their experience of sexual assault - how many of them have a) been reported and b) been convicted?

I'm not passing judgement on anyone who hasn't reported an assault, god no. What I mean to point out is how f*cked up the view is on sexual assault that we don't even consider reporting most incidents because we're either ashamed or not even sure anyone would believe us etc. It has to change.

Moomoo1

miec wrote: »

Yes they believed me but at the same time they did not want to believe me, why would they? It is far more comfortable to deny something than to face up to it. I don't believe it had anything to do with him being older / male. It has to do with wanting to deny it, pretend it never happened.

If they ostracise him then they have to accept / acknowledge what he did, some families do side with the victim others respond like mine.

I kinda see what you mean. I am just trying to understand how people like that can live with themselves, but I guess denial is more powerful than I can imagine.

Kimia wrote: »

I'm so glad this thread is here. What horrifies me is that out of what, almost 500 posts, where maybe 75% of them have been someone posting their experience of sexual assault - how many of them have a) been reported and b) been convicted?

think the only time the garda were brought up in this topic was when they actually charged someone for resisting too hard.

Morag

boomkatalog wrote: »

It might be a good idea to post details for organisations that can be contacted for support in this thread, maybe in the opening post?

It's already been done but I'll do it again.

http://www.rcni.ie/rape-crisis-centres.aspx

There are 17 rape crises centres, all of which are part of the rape crises network.

1800 77 88 88

fits

Thanks to those who posted on this thread. It has been a real eye-opener for me. I really had no idea.

hugs to you all x

lazygal

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/may/09/victims-sex-gangs-complacency-ethnicity

Interesting piece on the recent grooming trials in the UK. The comments on the article make for interesting reading.

Jenneke87

In my country(NL) there was a huge uproar yesterday about a rape-video uploaded on youtube with the headline:rape=super funny(no joke) It featured a young girl being attack and raped by serval men,which was then posted online. Now the guys are caught but within hours, tweets appeared that the girl was a stuck up bitch and that they "would make her like it next time"

Imagine the horror of being raped, having your ordeal posted online as if it were a funny thing and then hear that so many people say that it is your fault and recieving threaths of it happening again. I hope this girl over here recieves all the support she needs and that the attitude towards rape doesn't only need to change in Ireland, but all over the world. Urgently...

Fluorescence

Jenneke87 wrote: »

In my country(NL) there was a huge uproar yesterday about a rape-video uploaded on youtube with the headline:rape=super funny(no joke) It featured a young girl being attack and raped by serval men,which was then posted online. Now the guys are caught but within hours, tweets appeared that the girl was a stuck up bitch and that they "would make her like it next time"

Imagine the horror of being raped, having your ordeal posted online as if it were a funny thing and then hear that so many people say that it is your fault and recieving threaths of it happening again. I hope this girl over here recieves all the support she needs and that the attitude towards rape doesn't only need to change in Ireland, but all over the world. Urgently...

I hope to god she's a technophobe with no internet connection :eek:. How horrific!

Some people out there are such sickos though. The internet anonymity makes the scum crawl out of the woodwork. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would A) Watch this video and then Post afterwards about how justified it is and C) Share it with friends on twitter/facebook instead of going to burn their eyes out.

Just goes to show how much of a prevalent problem victim blaming still is in civilized society

Contessa Raven

Jenneke87 wrote: »

In my country(NL) there was a huge uproar yesterday about a rape-video uploaded on youtube with the headline:rape=super funny(no joke) It featured a young girl being attack and raped by serval men,which was then posted online. Now the guys are caught but within hours, tweets appeared that the girl was a stuck up bitch and that they "would make her like it next time"

Imagine the horror of being raped, having your ordeal posted online as if it were a funny thing and then hear that so many people say that it is your fault and recieving threaths of it happening again. I hope this girl over here recieves all the support she needs and that the attitude towards rape doesn't only need to change in Ireland, but all over the world. Urgently...

I feel physically sick after reading that. There aren't enough words to convey how repulsive and disgusting it is. It's horrific to go through something like that and even worse that people would make it into some sick joke. My blood is boiling. :mad: That poor woman.

midlandsmissus

Im having a terrible day today. I just feel like I dont want to live in this life where I've been raped. I have no peace.

midlandsmissus

I just feel like what is the point of me being here. Why was I supposed to go through this. What the hell is the point of it all? If there is a hell this has to be one.

Fluorescence

Midlandmissus, how is your plan going to set up a new support organisation? Perhaps your purpose is to help others deal with these things.

I hope you find peace.

krankykitty

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I just feel like what is the point of me being here. Why was I supposed to go through this. What the hell is the point of it all? If there is a hell this has to be one.

I'm so sorry midlandsmissus for what you're going through. It feels like hell right now but you are a survivor and it won't always feel like today. Have you someone there who can support you wherever you are today?

You mentioned about the point of you being here. I only know you from posting here but please believe me, your postings here and your idea for the support organization have helped others more than you know.

It's so unfair this happened to you. I'm thinking of you and hoping you'll feel a bit better soon.

fataltragedy

Do you know, I read in full up to page 13 of this thread and I had to stop there - so sickened was I by some of the comments made, and insinuations towards women who say they were assaulted or raped or whatever!

Sometimes opinions are best kept to oneself; or when dissecting delicate topics, maybe stop and think for a moment before racing on ahead with your own thoughts that might not be based on fact but merely the way YOU see the world. Y'know the saying 'walk in my shoes before you judge my life' well maybe on something like rape or sexual assault if you DONT have experience with it, or are close to someone who has been in one of these situations, then you should cop on a little.

Rape is terrifying. Rape is invasive. It breaks hearts, and ruins lives. It closes people off to intimacy, and makes them fear sex - or being close to people physically. It can make people want to 'please' anyone who comes into their lives regardless of their own sanity, or emotional acceptances, or physical pleasures. It can leave someone afraid to go out at night, to talk to strangers of the opposite sex, OR to even say anything about the damn rape in the first place lest they be judged / not believed / told not to be so dramatic - and from a lot of what I read in the early pages of this thread, I wouldn't freaking blame anyone going by some of you lots responses to the topic!!!

Genuinely sickened.

LittleBook

fataltragedy wrote: »

Do you know, I read in full up to page 13 of this thread and I had to stop there - so sickened was I by some of the comments made, and insinuations towards women who say they were assaulted or raped or whatever!

This worries me.

The spirit of the thread changed completely from @ page 16 or 18 when the mods made it clear that this was no longer a thread for a "debate" about rape (can't believe I had to type that phrase :rolleyes:) but a support thread for victims of sexual assault.

After that (apart from a few ignorant exceptions) there is an astonishing outpouring and sharing of experiences and a wealth of support and understanding that I (personally) have never seen on a public message board.

I'd hate to think that people (particularly those who have been the victim of a sexual assault) would read the the title of the thread, read the first few pages and then give up. I suspect they might.

I wouldn't blame them, it's fúcking tough reading in the beginning of the thread, but the latter pages are completely different.

Morag

But it is an example why people don't talk about their experiences, which unfortunately re enforces the idea that it's rare that sexual assault happens or that it doesn't/hasn't happen to the women in their lives.

Dortilolma

@fataltragedy - I felt the same way when I first read this thread. Eventually I had to stop - I did then go on to read some of the more recent posts but the earlier pages are a pretty depressing read.

Unfortunately a lot of the misunderstandings about sexual assault seem to be pervasive in the culture, part of me is even willing to except that some assailants (in certain circumstances) don't even realise what they have done.

There have been some good campaigns to counteract these misunderstandings, such as the one in the UK mentioned in the earlier pages, and the one in Vancouver. These campaigns shift the responsibility of the crime onto the perpetrators, as opposed to focusing on the victim (telling them to 'keep safe'). This is a step forward and hopefully will eventually sink into the cultural consciousness letting people realise that no matter no matter what the victim's state at the time of the assault they cannot be blamed for what happened.

Sexual assault is one of the hardest crimes to prove, but proving it is not the victims responsibility - that is for the DPP and Gardai to do, the victim just needs to report it.
The victim simply needs to focus on recovery by speaking to a counsellor and surrounding themselves with in a supportive environment.

fataltragedy

After posting the above, I did take a little break from the thread and then returned later to read the rest of it, and was muchly relieved to se that the tone really did change for the most part - and actual sharing/support was advised, encouraged and given to anyone posting their story and seeking relief in the process.

Narrow-minded people just terrify me sometimes, especially when they don't realise the power of words and how damaging they can be to people

eviltwin

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I just feel like what is the point of me being here. Why was I supposed to go through this. What the hell is the point of it all? If there is a hell this has to be one.

There is no reason why you and all of the others had to go through this, there sometimes is no "bigger picture" out there, its just bloody bad luck that you were unlucky enough to be the target of an absolute scumbag who thought it was okay to violate you. :mad:

But there is a strength in there that is clear to see from your posts, this horrible thing has damaged you but it hasn't broken you, the person that was you before is still there. He didn't take away that, none of them can.

I remember for years after I was abused I felt cheated, like the person I could have been was destroyed. A few years ago when my attacker died and I realised I would never get justice I had a watershed moment. I suddenly realised that all these years he still had me because I was letting him hold me back, I was letting him prevent me from being who I could be. I've started getting my life back, just being kind to myself really and doing things for me and I feel stronger for it.

I'll never go back to being that carefree girl again, I feel afraid a lot, I really don't trust men anymore and deep down am quietly terrified of them but I am making a new life for myself and finding qualities in me that I never really knew I had and probably would never have found had I not gone through this.

I know its all waffle and its going to take more than a few words on an internet forum to help you feel even a tiny bit better but we are all rooting for you and here for you xx Stay strong xxx

LegacyUser

I have read the entire thread, I have cried, I have vomited, I have started shaking uncontrollably, I have decided to share some of my story.

I was first abused as a toddler, age 2, by a man in his twenties that my grandmother had kindly taken in to her home as his own mother had kicked him out. He abused me every time I visited her home. My mother arrived to collect me one day and I had obviously had enough and told her straight out, at only 3 years of age, that I was not coming back to this house and she couldn’t make me.

However she did make me. She dropped me off every weekend and left me in that house with that man and her own two brothers who were also abusing me. In my head at that time I hadn’t connected what my uncles were doing with what this other man was doing. My uncles loved me, he didn’t.

Eventually he moved on but my uncles continued abusing me, in their home, in my home, in the car, in the cinema, while babysitting me, while I was in bed sick with flu, sick with sunstroke. Did I say anything? No, sure they were family, they loved me didn’t they? They loved me so much they told my mother I was a little flirt, I was going to get myself in trouble with boys when I got older, she really needed to do something about me and stop me making a holy show of her and the family, I was asking for trouble, she agreed with them and beat me black and blue on a regular basis. I wasn’t even 10 years old.

The last time either of them touched me I was about 16 but the damage had been done at that stage. I became promiscuous, I drank alcohol, I was depressed, suicidal. Because it was my fault wasn’t it? They were right all along weren’t they? My mother accused me of all sorts, my father never got involved.

Time marched on, I went to college, I finished college, I got a job which I loved. I was assaulted at work, on a building site, in an empty block of apartments. I thought I was going to die. I managed to get my hand into my pocket and dial the last number on my phone which happened to be my boss who was elsewhere on the site. I screamed and shouted and roared like a woman possessed. He found me, he ran up 6 flights of stairs with other men from the job, the guy assaulting me managed to get away. I was mortified, I was bleeding and bruised and so embarrassed and wouldn’t let anyone ring the police. It had been pointed out to me on numerous occasions by certain people that a building site full of men was no place for a woman. Maybe I had been flirting, asking for it? My boss brought me to the hospital and he cried the whole way there and back. He never could look me in the eye after that.

I feel like I have a tattoo on my forehead “I’m weak, abuse me” but I know that’s not the case. I’m still here; I’m stronger than I ever knew.

Ambersky

Thank you so much for having the courage to put up that post StrongNow.
I would like to say a couple of things if you dont mind.
First your ending was fantastic

I’m still here; I’m stronger than I ever knew.

You probably already are doing this, but I hope you remember and manage to keep that phrase in your mind when you are feeling less confident or at times when you are upset, like a mantra over and over.
Unfortunately your story, the story of being abused very young and havng that abuse continued in childhood, teen years and early 20s, is somewhat familiar.
Other than the conclusion that you are stronger than you ever knew I would like to caution, if I may, against some other conclusions people outside the situation sometimes make. You touched on the "she is flirtatous and trouble" accusation. In the hopes that it helps you feel not alone I would like to say that I have heard that accusation has been said often to child survivors. It sounds like you have copped that this is used as a way of blaming the victim and taking the attention off the people making the accusation.
The thing I wish for you is that you can now claim your genuine womanly sexy flirtatious self, knowing that maybe you are good and sexy and that that is yours, to have and to hold and to show when and where you want.
I say this because I know survivors can sometimes find that hard and get it all confused because of what happened to them, but it is your entitlement and maybe you already claim it for yourself, if not I hope in time you and all the others will.
The other conclusion from such stories I would like to mention is the way people sometimes look at a womans sexual history of abuse and think it must be the womans fault for it to happen so often in so many different situations.
Im mentioning this Strongnow because you posed the question about it being your fault and about being on a building site which of course like any other human being male or female you were entitled to be on without being raped.
Sometimes there are good intentions in such questioning to empower the woman to take responsibility for her life and to realise she "creates her own reality" and therefore created and can uncreate the rapes.
I hate that phrase "we create our own reality" precisely because of its implication in situations such as yours. I think the more useful empowering phrase would be
I can influence and often change my own reality.
I think influence is the better word here than create which puts an incorrect emphasis and responsibility on survivors.
I believe rapes happen to childen in situations of vulnerability and opportunity. Those factors are outside the control of the child but unfortunately vunerable children and vulnerable young adults especially are raped when the abuser who is just in the situation where they get the opportunity or when the abuser creates situations and opportunities where they will be with vulnerable people. It is always the rapists fault.
Adults are suppose to protect childen and when they fail to do so you have to try to grow up and learn to love and protect your own inner child who is still wounded. You have to as an adult learn to love and cherish and protect your inner child, give her the opportunities and protection she didnt get. Talk to her listen to her allow her a freak out an acting out every now and again and understand and love her afterwards. Then watch her grow and blossom.
With much Love and heartfelt wishes for the future.

cloud493

There is a point to this. It does get better after it happens. Midlandmissus especially, everyone else, it gets better, it has to. The night is darkest just before the dawn.

I believe rapes happen to childen in situations of vulnerability and opportunity. Those factors are outside the control of the child but unfortunately vunerable children and vulnerable young adults especially are raped when the abuser who is just in the situation where they get the opportunity or when the abuser creates situations and opportunities where they will be with vulnerable people. It is always the rapists fault.

This is absolutely right, to someone whose... you know. Had it happen far too many times. My dad got away with it, himself, and letting his mates... do it, cos I wanted to trust him so badly, and I wanted him to be there for me, so badly, I thought It was my fault, I just had to endure it, till he began caring. But he never did, still doesn't. Same in boarding school, it happened, because
I was so vulnerable, after so many bad things had happened, and again, I blamed myself. And I still do, even though its their fault, not mine.

Its never the victims fault. And it will get better.

LegacyUser

*Trigger warning*

I ran away from another intimate situation again today/last night with a really sweet guy who has liked me for a while. While I have had a relationship after the assault, the assault itself played a big part in our sex lives/intimacy. I found myself disconnected from sex and wanting him to just "use me to please himself and get it over with". I loved him and fancied him but the negativity of my feelings in intimate situations made life difficult and complicated. Maybe we weren't compatible but I know that some of my behaviour during our time together was self destructive.

I'm sick of feeling weird and not being able to just go with my feelings and enjoy intimacy with another person. I feel awful for rejecting the guy last night/this morning but I felt physically sick when it came to physical closeness. Maybe I just wasn't attracted to him enough or maybe I'm just dysfunctional I just don't know anymore.

miec

Unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about, I have pushed away men for most of my adult life and I find it a deeply frustrating aspect of myself but I know that we have the right to a loving relationship too and I am determined to get it back but I am discovering through counselling that the only way to embrace intimacy (in all its forms) is 1) to accept yourself and 2) be open which means being vulnerable and right now that is my sticking point, I feel afraid if I am vulnerable. Are you getting any help / counselling? I don't think you can get through all the stuff alone.