It's damn rude to ask, damn rude

mattjack

Chinasea wrote: »

Was in a local restaurant with aging visiting country aunt - we are friendly with the owner; he has been in Ireland for over 30 years.

When he came to our table in his usual friendly manner I introduced him to said aunt who rudely and bluntly asked him where he was from? engaging no further then this. I told her off after but alas it fell on clueless deaf auld ears. You just don't ask but there is no getting through to this type of set in their ways Irish person.

this aunt of yours....does she like rice..?

KINGVictor

I think I understand where the OP is coming from, but speaking for me, I love it when when people show an interest in where I am from...no matter the motive behind the question.

I love explaining to people that I come from a lovely country that I am so so proud of. Usually, most of them are initially flaggerbasted at my pride but I am always happy to give details a lot of them had no clue about and in a lot of cases it ends up well.

I really would prefer someone asking me where I am from rather than being frontally racist by calling me names or being violent.

sollar

Mike 1972 wrote: »

Bit of an awkward moment recently when a friend of my housemate here in Belfast on hearing my (Southern) Accent recently asked me if I was a foreigner. Seemingly in his somewhat intoxicated state he got it into his head that I might be from Poland or somewhere

Could also have been a unionist being a complete prick. As technically you are from a foreign country.

Chinasea

Chinasea wrote: »

Do you think if you were in America (and as an example) you spoke with a slight broken English accent, and, after over 30 years living in the country you would get auld American dare I say 'white' aging Aunt's etc., on a regular basis asking abruptly "WHERE are you from"??

I don't think so.

Why does your un-ageing self keep referring to your Aunt as ageing ?
Does your aunt work in immigration?:pac:

CaliforniaDream

southsiderosie wrote: »

It may come across as interest to you, but as many other people have noted on this thread (including others who live abroad), at times it comes across as clearly hostile, rude or badgering, depending on the context.

It's nice that you've generally had a good experience living abroad, but not everyone else has (or at least not 100% of the time).

Show me one person on this thread who has been offended by this question.
And I don't mean someone saying 'I know someone who is from X and gets annoyed'.
Everyone here who has the question asked directly to them has no problem with it. It seems you're trying to create hostility where there is none.

At what point in time is it deemed acceptable to ask someone? Should we never ask in case it offends? If you've known someone for a year is it ok then? But is it rude to know them for a year and never ask them about their background?

You're coming across as borderline desperate in your arguments trying to create scenarios where people should be offended. In reality, people simply are not offended by the question.

My aunt moved abroad years ago. Still has a thick Irish accent. She has two children both born in the country she moved to. The father is from that country.
So children are born in X country to father from X country with Irish mother. When they speak in English they have an Irish twang. They always get asked where they are from. Both say they are X-Irish. Where's the problem?

Edit - when replying I had you confused with another poster for the majority of my reply. Please don't take this aimed directly at you. Apologies.

mickoneill30

Chinasea wrote: »

Was in a local restaurant with aging visiting country aunt - we are friendly with the owner; he has been in Ireland for over 30 years.

When he came to our table in his usual friendly manner I introduced him to said aunt who rudely and bluntly asked him where he was from? engaging no further then this. I told her off after but alas it fell on clueless deaf auld ears. You just don't ask but there is no getting through to this type of set in their ways Irish person.

That's the rude bit. Damn rude.

vicecreamsundae

I know the OPs post sounds sounds like he overreacted. Though I can understand he was embarrassed because the guy had been there 30 years, and by asking "where are you from?", based, we can assume from the post, on the fact that he was non-white or something, it could have come off as a bit ignorant.

I went out with a guy for years who was mixed race, though his father was irish and he was born in ireland etc. He would get frustrated when people would ask him out of the blue where he was from (and not ask me where i'm from, because I'm white). And when he said "Ireland", it was always followed with "But where are you from originally?"
Sure, some people are genuinely interested in cultures blah blah blah. I still think it's rude -it's just a bit like "ooh, this one looks a bit exotic and interesting, i'll make it my business to find out where they're from originally!".

certainly it's not always rude, and as you get to know someone it becomes totally appropriate to ask more questions like that, or have it arise naturally, but yeah strangers blurting it out in the first minute of meeting you? Rude.
If you're doing the rounds of asking everyone in a little group where they are from, fine..but singling out someone who's not white to ask where they are from? To me you're pointing out you don't think they belong. Especially in this day and age when lots of people who aren't white ARE irish born and bred. that's my take on it anyway.

Sir Oxman

I'd ask going by accent only - that includes the workman in my house at the moment (who's Latvian btw and was delighted to tell me about his hometown)

jester77

Very strange thread. I'm over 10 years living abroad and often get asked where I am from. Might have been offended a few times when people asked if I was English but I never once thought it was rude

Riskymove

I am not surprised to see this kind of idea in the OP as the term 'racism' is being thrown around with ever increasing ease these days

OP, perhaps your aunt is racist, perhaps she is not, maybe she came across as rude and unwelcoming to the Guy....but it is not racist to ask someone where they are from...regardless of where they are actually from...

it is not racist to be rude or offhand to someone from a different race

it can be racist however, to be rude or offhand to some one because they were of a different race

Is the ham green too?

Being Irish abroad I get worried if Im not asked where Im from!! Sparks paranoia that Im losing my accent/irishness/becoming one of them!

W.Shakes-Beer

OP, it would have been hilarious if your aunt turned to you, and gave you a head-loaf.

Sonnenblumen

Chinasea wrote: »

Was in a local restaurant with aging visiting country aunt - we are friendly with the owner; he has been in Ireland for over 30 years.

When he came to our table in his usual friendly manner I introduced him to said aunt who rudely and bluntly asked him where he was from? engaging no further then this. I told her off after but alas it fell on clueless deaf auld ears. You just don't ask but there is no getting through to this type of set in their ways Irish person.

OP, I think you have left out some important bits. BTW, where are you from?

El Horseboxo

I'm constantly asked where I'm from and it's based on my skin color as my accent only has a slight foreign twang due to speaking Spanish still. Never once been offended by any question bout where I'm from or my race. Of course the questions can be asked in different contexts but that's usually determined by what follows said questions. If you get offended by being asked where you're from you need to stop being such a sensitive fúck.

bastados

Dear God we're all going to end up as dumb as the americans

iregk

Chinasea wrote: »

Why do you need to know?

After 30 years in "your country" - longer than the man had lived in his country of birth surely you can see that it must be a tad insensitive, intrusive, dissmissive.

God dam you need to take that extra large dildo out of your ass and loosen up. I work in Dublin and get asked every now and again where I'm from. I guess I'm not allowed get annoyed though as I'm Irish?

IvyTheTerrible

As a foreigner where I live, I'm regularly asked where I'm from, either when they hear my accent or see my name written down. It doesn't bother me because it is clearly being asked just from a sense of curiosity and not xenophobia. And people are usually delighted when they hear I'm from Ireland, and go into detail about holidays they've had there, or about how they would like to visit.

I think the OP was over-reacting, tbh.

gosuckonalemon

Chinasea wrote: »

Was in a local restaurant with aging visiting country aunt - we are friendly with the owner; he has been in Ireland for over 30 years.

When he came to our table in his usual friendly manner I introduced him to said aunt who rudely and bluntly asked him where he was from? engaging no further then this. I told her off after but alas it fell on clueless deaf auld ears. You just don't ask but there is no getting through to this type of set in their ways Irish person.

You are dead right for scolding your aunt. What a filthy, disgusting racist she is. Did you call the cops?

pickarooney

southsiderosie wrote: »

I think the thing that gets annoying is when people try to challenge where you say you are from. I have a very obvious American accent, but I'm not white, and that seems to cause a lot of confusion, particularly in Ireland. I've been asked "But where are you REALLY from?" more times than I care to count. I find it to be a bit curious that so many people in Europe seem unable to fathom that there are non-white Americans roaming around, particularly given who our president is, but oh well.

I think that's because most Americans in Ireland say they're really from Tipperary.

wild_cat

I've been asked this a thousand times when abroad. Doesn't bother me.

I will give you an example though that I thought was a bit rough...

In 5th class in primary school. We had some missionaries in our parish for a two week long mass every night fest where they would tell us stories of what they seen on their travels. I'm an atheist and pretty sure I was one back then to but these guys were genuinely interesting. Anyways...

One of them came up to the school to meet us all and tell us a few stores. My best friend was Korean by birth and was adopted by an Irish man and an English woman.

The priest asked her "When did your family come to Ireland?".....

She replied with "Well my Dad is from up the road and my Mum is from England".....

She didn't mention she was adopted to the priest and he nearly died with embarrassment. Now that was wrong. Asking someone what country they are from out of curiosity is not. Your aunt didn't follow up by saying something horribly racist when she found out which country he was from.

I have an awful habit of asking bouncers where they are from. If they are Lithuanian/polish I will speak to them in the bit of Lithuanian/polish I have and ask them if I'm saying it right. They usually tell me how to pronounce the words properly and have a good laugh about it. No offence intended.

(We've had some Lithuanian and polish students living with us over the years)

I'm pretty sure I'd get my answer fairly fast from those lads if I was annoying them.

I also ask taxi drivers where they are from and if they like living in Ireland. What was their country life like compared to here etc and I haven't offended any body yet.

Irish people in general are just interested in this kind of thing for some reason and will reply with "oh my friend travelled there and said it was beautiful or I read about such and such a place etc".

pickarooney

So what social faux pas do other nationalities commit too soon after introductions?
"What do you do?" is a bit of a sickener for a lot of people I imagine.

emmabee

My mate did something similar when she met my pal at my party. My friend is from Africa, but it has to be said: somehow he has adopted an accent which can only be described as that of someone from say, Atlanta. He said to her "Hi, nice to meet you" and she immediately goes "Eh where are you from!!!?" I was mort. Bad enough he was the only non-white person there but she puts him on the spot like that??? Rude aint the word!

wild_cat

pickarooney wrote: »

So what social faux pas do other nationalities commit too soon after introductions?
"What do you do?" is a bit of a sickener for a lot of people I imagine.

I was at a wedding recently where a rather rude business man married to a relation asked us that question.

As soon as he heard he went "oh" turned away from us. Relating back to whats being discussed in the "new dole cutting" thread. We're qualified we just work crap jobs cause there's nothing else going.

I've since given him the nickname of Napoleon from Animal farm as he's huge and only interested in feathering his own nest.

Rantan

My sis spent some time travelling in India a few years ago - she told a story about when she was travelling on a really packed train in some remote part how some of the natives sitting beside her started to stroke her blonde hair - initially she was freaked out but they meant no harm - she learned they were just fascinated by the colour of her hair and skin tone and thought she was beautiful because she was so different to them(they had never seen a westerner apparently) my point is - they did something we perceive as really offensive but they meant no harm and in the end my sis appreciated the experience. Being curious about where someone is from is not a crime imo, judging someone on the basis of their nationality on the other hand is a different story....

Eve_Dublin

IzzyWizzy wrote: »

That's still the simple '100% foreigner living in another country' scenario, though. What if your parents were Irish and you were born and brought up in Spain and went to Ireland for college? Would you say you were Spanish? If you were born in Korea and adopted by your parents as a baby, would you say you were Korean?

To ask someone where they're from if they're obviously foreign is the most common conversation starter in every country I've ever visited or lived in. I get asked virtually every day here by the locals. Not just Ireland. It all depends on the intent of the asker.

SunnyLucy

Sure I ask that question any time I meet someone new, regardless of their nationality, Irish included. It's just a conversation starter, better than going "Some weather we're having isn't it".
Unless the aunt asked in a particularly rude tone then i don't think she did anything wrong.

southsiderosie

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

To ask someone where they're from if they're obviously foreign is the most common conversation starter in every country I've ever visited or lived in. I get asked virtually every day here by the locals. Not just Ireland. It all depends on the intent of the asker.

I agree that "where are you from" is both common and generally innocuous, but where it becomes more problematic/annoying is when you respond with "Irish" or "American" or whatever, and then get asked "But where are you really from" because your physical appearance doesn't meet with that person's expectations of what someone from Ireland or the US is supposed to look like. That's what I think starts to drive some people batty.

SunnyLucy

southsiderosie wrote: »

I agree that "where are you from" is both common and generally innocuous, but where it becomes more problematic/annoying is when you respond with "Irish" or "American" or whatever, and then get asked "But where are you really from" because your physical appearance doesn't meet with that person's expectations of what someone from Ireland or the US is supposed to look like. That's what I think starts to drive some people batty.

I'd say its just bad phrasing of the question they want to ask, I can't even come up with the proper way of asking myself right now, but they probably mean from where are your roots or what is your family history that would see you born in Ireland for example but with a physical appearance that is not typically Irish. It can come across as ignorant and prying but I would imagine, in most cases, it is just basic curiosity.

newballsplease

so................................................................................................................................Where was he from?

Eve_Dublin

southsiderosie wrote: »

I agree that "where are you from" is both common and generally innocuous, but where it becomes more problematic/annoying is when you respond with "Irish" or "American" or whatever, and then get asked "But where are you really from" because your physical appearance doesn't meet with that person's expectations of what someone from Ireland or the US is supposed to look like. That's what I think starts to drive some people batty.

I can imagine it does from what you're saying (your personal situation) but geenrally if someone hears a hint of a foreign accent, it's just curiosity...posters here are making out like the question is simply a rude question everytime, which to me is just ridiculous. It's more than likely an ice breaker.

Still, asking a non-white woman with an American accent where she's REALLY from is just incredibly ignorant...are the Irish really the worse for that? Cringy McCringerson ahoy!

Hmm. I don't know if you notice this, Southsiderosie, as an outsider and having travelled around a fair bit...would you say the Irish ask more personal questions generally than other nationalities you've come across? I always find myself in situation being the one that keeps the conversation going by being the question-asker but it's only out of politeness (and a cultural fear of silences).

This is personally what I've found and I feel very nosy as it's rarely a two way thing, particularly at the initial stages. Happened last night...out with my boyfriend and his Spanish friend and I was asking the friend all the qesutions and after about 2 hours, he finally asked me how long I've been here. I feel that way a fair bit....