Dumb/Great Facebook Status {merge} [No Names]

falan

This comes under the "great" status updates...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if ...we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday and sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. No NO you really do have enough clothes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Ciderswigger

TL : DR
Can that even fit in a status update?!

RichieC

falan wrote: »

Man rules

I think that was a cover story on Nuts Magazine...

cyrusdvirus

I declare this thread over

But seriously i feel a bit lost knowing Steve jobs isn't with us anymore.........no one can walk in his shoes. I feel like I need to walk the holy mile or something.

This is from some idiot from these shores living in the States.

vangoz

Heres two I took screen shots of..... its the same person!!!

az2wp0sye65487

RichieC wrote: »

I think that was a cover story on Nuts Magazine...

In 2002

Musiconomist

vangoz wrote: »

Heres two I took screen shots of..... its the same person!!!

What exactly does ;( mean? An unhappy wink?

Chairman Meow

SheFiend wrote: »

I came straight to Boards having seen this load of plop.

"GET YOUR TISSUES OUT THIS IS SO SAD ... I was walking around in a supermarket when i saw a cashier hand this little boy his money back, the boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'' The little boy turned to the old woman next to him, ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' She replied, ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. 'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.' I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.' His eyes were so sad while saying this, 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'' My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said, 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.' Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.' 'I love my mommy and I wish she didn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.' Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!'' OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said, 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!' Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!'' 'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'' 'My mommy loves white roses.' A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine, and in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him. Now you have 2 choices: (1) Copy & Paste this on your wall (2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart"

Eh.... ???

This ****ing garbage, its turning facebook into forwarded emails circa 2001.
Hower it does work astoundingly well as a twat indicator.

mehfesto

Your tax money at work, people.



Subsequent updates included how much extra dole she's getting for 'college', and a picture with her bf which she 'isn't living with' (to get extra dole, again).
:mad:

Alpish

Not a status update really, but I had a 'friend' who made a page for her two year old son. Constantly updated statuses, added pictures, and liked things on her page from the son's FB page.

Promptly deleted

ColeTrain

mehfesto wrote: »

Your tax money at work, people.



Subsequent updates included how much extra dole she's getting for 'college', and a picture with her bf which she 'isn't living with' (to get extra dole, again).
:mad:

Ever think of reporting her? She can't have any complaints if she's putting it up on Facebook. Might teach her a valuable lesson.

mehfesto

ColeTrain wrote: »

Ever think of reporting her? She can't have any complaints if she's putting it up on Facebook. Might teach her a valuable lesson.

I have. I probably will by Monday too.
It's been pretty in your face too - and the posting up of 'new buys' for the bf are starting to grate...

Cunning Stunt

Just got invited to a deceased relatives anniversary mass - the family set up an event page on facebook. Can't help thinking there's just something wrong about that...

Fishooks12

Not a status but one of those stupid focking 'like' groups, it's a dinger though:

SAD STORII
a boi nd his gf waz havn a piknik on d hill nd d boii put a engagmnt riing n d gurlz glass
d gurl drnk heer drnk buhh den she chokd
~d gurl waz ded </333~
d boii wer so sad dat he trii 2 brin her bk 2 loiife bt he used all hiz breth nd he waz ded
den d hill colapzd nd der bodyz waz neva found
~LOIK IF U CRYD~ </3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Professey Chin

Fishooks12 wrote: »

Not a status but one of those stupid focking 'like' groups, it's a dinger though:

SAD STORII
a boi nd his gf waz havn a piknik on d hill nd d boii put a engagmnt riing n d gurlz glass
d gurl drnk heer drnk buhh den she chokd
~d gurl waz ded </333~
d boii wer so sad dat he trii 2 brin her bk 2 loiife bt he used all hiz breth nd he waz ded
den d hill colapzd nd der bodyz waz neva found
~LOIK IF U CRYD~ </3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kill it with fire!!!

mccarte2

Fishooks12 wrote: »

Not a status but one of those stupid focking 'like' groups, it's a dinger though:

SAD STORII
a boi nd his gf waz havn a piknik on d hill nd d boii put a engagmnt riing n d gurlz glass
d gurl drnk heer drnk buhh den she chokd
~d gurl waz ded </333~
d boii wer so sad dat he trii 2 brin her bk 2 loiife bt he used all hiz breth nd he waz ded
den d hill colapzd nd der bodyz waz neva found
~LOIK IF U CRYD~ </3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That just broke Google Translate

risteard7

Facebook is for people who crave attention."going on hols 2moro"
"dont feel to well"etc.Then people reply get well soon hun.Then they are happy they got their attention they were looking for.Facebook is for sad sad people

XxMCRxBabyxX

Fishooks12 wrote: »

Not a status but one of those stupid focking 'like' groups, it's a dinger though:

SAD STORII
a boi nd his gf waz havn a piknik on d hill nd d boii put a engagmnt riing n d gurlz glass
d gurl drnk heer drnk buhh den she chokd
~d gurl waz ded </333~
d boii wer so sad dat he trii 2 brin her bk 2 loiife bt he used all hiz breth nd he waz ded
den d hill colapzd nd der bodyz waz neva found
~LOIK IF U CRYD~ </3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm nearly sure that those are taking the piss of the people who actually talk lyk dah

Professey Chin

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I'm nearly sure that those are taking the piss of the people who actually talk lyk dah

The fact theres any possibility at all its genuine shows its a problem that must be exterminated

languagenerd

Fishooks12 wrote: »

Not a status but one of those stupid focking 'like' groups, it's a dinger though:

SAD STORII
a boi nd his gf waz havn a piknik on d hill nd d boii put a engagmnt riing n d gurlz glass
d gurl drnk heer drnk buhh den she chokd
~d gurl waz ded </333~
d boii wer so sad dat he trii 2 brin her bk 2 loiife bt he used all hiz breth nd he waz ded
den d hill colapzd nd der bodyz waz neva found
~LOIK IF U CRYD~ </3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Even if it is a piss-take, I'm sure there are people who like it cause it's such a heart-warming story.:rolleyes: I read a similar one a while ago, where a girl goes to get a heart-transplant and when she wakes up, she find out it was her boyfriend's heart "cause I told you it was yours". :rolleyes:

I fear for humanity....

Canard

They're only jokes guys, calm down! :pac:

Can't believe I just read this on facebook

JESUS DERS SUM AMOUNT OF NOSEY LIL CúNTS ON DIS.. U DELETE SUM1 SO DEY GET DER FRIENDS T ADD YE FOR A FúCKIN NOSE ON UR PAGE.. WUDN MIND I DNT EVEN TLK CHA IF I SEEN YA AROUND Y WUD I TLK CHA ON DIS..IF U WANNA KNO ATAN JUS MAIL ME AN ASK ME YEAH.. AN DEN YA HAV UR LANDLORD TXTN YE BOUT DE RENT SAYIN U CAN AFFORD TO GO OUT HAHA COS PPL ARE STALKIN ME PAGE OUVIT N TELLIN UR LANLDORD YA GO OU ON D WEEKENDS HAHA SUM AMOUNT OF PPL B GETTIN DELETED OFF DIS NOW... NOSEY BASTARDS HOPE YIS ALL SEE DIS ASWEL...! Dats me rant over now for today i hope no1 else pisses me off!!!

languagenerd

Deleted User wrote: »

Can't believe I just read this on facebook

Can't believe I just read this on facebook


Quote:
JESUS DERS SUM AMOUNT OF NOSEY LIL CúNTS ON DIS.. U DELETE SUM1 SO DEY GET DER FRIENDS T ADD YE FOR A FúCKIN NOSE ON UR PAGE.. WUDN MIND I DNT EVEN TLK CHA IF I SEEN YA AROUND Y WUD I TLK CHA ON DIS..IF U WANNA KNO ATAN JUS MAIL ME AN ASK ME YEAH.. AN DEN YA HAV UR LANDLORD TXTN YE BOUT DE RENT SAYIN U CAN AFFORD TO GO OUT HAHA COS PPL ARE STALKIN ME PAGE OUVIT N TELLIN UR LANLDORD YA GO OU ON D WEEKENDS HAHA SUM AMOUNT OF PPL B GETTIN DELETED OFF DIS NOW... NOSEY BASTARDS HOPE YIS ALL SEE DIS ASWEL...! Dats me rant over now for today i hope no1 else pisses me off!!!

Haha I love when people type in their accent :pac: It's hilarious!

Mr Freeze

A work mate who we suspect of pulling a sickie posted the following.

I'm so lucky to have a job to be sick from

Sykk

A guy just posted "Sorry my phone's not working as I'm in another country, New york"..

3hn2givr7mx1sc

"Jees, this back ache is very uncomfortable. What a bummer."

Temptamperu

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsko12WCCv1qz5tgbo1_r1_500.png

Tayla

Two people on my facebook have recently became an item, their cringe worthiness knows no bounds, he posted the following on her page today...




The beauty of a woman
isn't in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes;
Because that's the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman
isn't in a facial mole;
But true beauty in a woman,
is reflected by her soul.

It's the caring that she cares to give,
the passion that she shows;
And the beauty of a woman
with passing years only grows.

Awkward!!

Scealta_saol

Tayla wrote: »

The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes;
Because that's the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

Or taken literally kinda creepy.....

Fluorescence

Tayla wrote: »

Two people on my facebook have recently became an item, their cringe worthiness knows no bounds, he posted the following on her page today...




The beauty of a woman
isn't in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries,
or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes;
Because that's the doorway to her heart,
the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman
isn't in a facial mole;
But true beauty in a woman,
is reflected by her soul.

It's the caring that she cares to give,
the passion that she shows;
And the beauty of a woman
with passing years only grows.

Awkward!!

I'm guessing she's a total uggo, and now knows her boyfriend thinks so too? :pac: