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All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!
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Now Abi! A personal question ........... are we the only two left in this forum?
:D On a slightly less serious note, Goodnight and Good Morning to whoever reads this. It reminds me of The Listeners as I stamp my foot on the forest's ferny floor tiles 
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I would say that at 4.02am our time you are definitely the only one on this Forum Spread.
Edit: there are apparently loads of mods around bright and early, keeping an eye on things! Morning OG!I saw that post at 4 this morning but I thought I'd leave them alone - in the hopes of stealing Abi's meds while she was distracted. I'm in Nurses bad books at the moment and she won't give me the 'nice' pills.
Something doesn't quite add up here. OG, either ou made a simple mistake or you are traveling faster than the speed of light.
There was a young lady named Bright
Who's speed was far quicker than light
She went out one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night
Nurse! Please refill his pill box0 -
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oh no not poetry last time i was in hospital in glasgow,people in the ward kept on reading poetry to me ,i asked the doctor if i was in the loony ward,he said no ,just the serious burns unit . get it ?
Got it!:D But as it's such a funny joke it needs repeating in full. Sorry to cross you getz ....... but you may not know the rest of it. Definately one of the funniest jokes that I've ever heard............................................................
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And here is a wee joke for our bonny lassie.
The Hospital Visit
A newly qualified doctor arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the Sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.
It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward. They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To the doctor's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.
One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.Some hae meat and cannae eat.Some cannae eat that want it:At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a skien dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fends off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off. A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients. At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,O, what a panic's in thy breastie!And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize. The doctor turns to the Sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
"Oh no, doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anyway, this is not a psychiatric ward, this is the serious Burns unit"
I love it ....... skien dubhs, claymores, dirks etc. Och aye Jemma!0 -
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Not too long back from casualty ....... slipped on ice while bringing logs in. XRays reveal a sprain so am strapped into an ankle splint and walking with crutches. These will last for a few days and the splint for two weeks. Pain quite bad 'til the Tylenol kicked in. Ice packs and elevated foot 'til Tuesday as well ......... which is a pain as well. It was about two hours after the fall that the pain set in, eventually could not put the foot under me. Any medics out there to explain why?
Goodnight and Good Moaning
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i had to shorten it as i was going to use it in my stand up comic act,the only problem i had was that it did not take off, my agency said to me you are to old to do a stand up act stud [that was my star name,the grannies loved it] you would not be able to walk the stage for an hour telling jokes,i said ;if i come on with a stick i can do 10 minutes.
Try Helium-filled gags ............ lift off and lots of laughing guartanteedhave a nice armchair in the middle of the stage and you could be the first sit down stand up
And if you got over emotional mid gag, you could then stand up to gesticulate ....... making you again the first stand up sit down stand up comedian. (That's enough of that, Ed.)there was that irishman who did it called dave allan who had a missing finger, but my problem was getting grannies into night clubs,could not get the mobility scooters in the doors
Would recommend abseiling through velux, with the possibility of a few tiles removed for the morbidly-obese.
I remember Dave Allen. Sitting on a bar stool telling slightly anti-establishment but topical jokes. He was a huge star in those days. On one of his shows he acted out a scene, a horror ghost story, where some dark and strange entity attacked him in a house that was filled with spirits. Allen grabbed it in the darkness and bit it. When the lights came back on, it turned out that he had attacked his own hand. Very funny guy. I know that in his younger days he told gags in strip joints .............. Hey getz, an easy way of getting into the changing rooms of one if you could do a Dave Allen Tribute Show. I and my two crutches can be your fall guy. Please! 0 -
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