The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

R P McMurphy

So you think we live in a tollerant society?

Well last night I took the wife for a celebration meal at the Italian.
Some other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and 'a cradle snatcher',
all because I'm a 53 year old man with a 21 year old wife.
It totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

R P McMurphy

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dad's shotgun.

One of the dragons asked, "And what's your idea?"


I replied "It's a simple concept, just put the money in the ****ing bag!"

R P McMurphy

Two Muslim women see a nun walking on the opposite side of the road - one says to the other "look at that slag with her face hanging out".

R P McMurphy

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night...... she said I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on

I said 'You're pulling my leg'

R P McMurphy

A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please"
the barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "im making a brew"

R P McMurphy

After a long night of making love, The guy notices a photo of another man, On the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' He nervously asks. 'No, silly,' She replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues 'No, not at all,' She says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' He inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' She answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' He demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'

R P McMurphy

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

R P McMurphy

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!!"

R P McMurphy

Priest asks the Pope, "When is it okay to have sex with young boys?".

Pope replies, "When they have left school".

Priest says "Roll on 4 O'Clock".

R P McMurphy

My mate went for a tattoo of an indian warrior on his back. Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".

The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!!!"

Bipolar Joe

A wee girl goes into the confessional, and says "Father, a man did something dreadful to me, I feel like I should repent."

The priest thought to himself this to be a very serious matter, and told the young girl to wait outside.

After a bit, he comes out and sits next to the girl and asks her "What did this terrible man do to you?" She replied "I feel wrong saying." He asks her then "Did he do this?" and put his arm around the girl. She tells him "Oh, he did, but then he did something much worse."

He then touches the girls leg, and asks her "Did he do this?" She tells him "Oh, he did, but then he did something much worse."

Then he exposes himself, and asks her "Did he do this?" The girl says "Oh, he did, but then he did something much worse."

The guy then bangs the little girl, right there on the seat, rolls over and lights up a fag. He asks her "Did he do that?" The girl tell him "Oh, he did, but something much worse than that." He exclaims "What the Hell could he have done that's worse than what I just did?!" She tells him...................













"He gave me AIDS."

policarp

A chap goes to confession, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I rode a cat."
Priest says for your confession, "Three our fathers, three hail Marys and three holy ghosts."
Next week, same confrssion, but this time the priest asks "How did you ride the cat.?"
The chap says "You put the cat into a shoe box, tape the lid on firmly, bore a hole in the box and then ride away."
Priest says "Now for your confession, ride the cat without the shoebox."

Caraville

Q. What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison?

A. A small medium at large.

(To be fair, not the BEST I ever heard, but I liked it)

Capt'n Midnight

R P McMurphy wrote: »

I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Even Charlie and Vincie Burn used a hearse
Are Tesco super value trying to muscle in on co-op funerals ?

*wipes dust of this one*
My Uncle worked in Bushmills, fell in to a vat and when his work mates tired to rescue him he fought them off bravely. Anyway he died and the cremated him. Took six hours to put out the fire.

karaokeman

Hey did you hear Michael Jackson and Stephen Gately are happy?

Because heaven has a Winehouse

pappyodaniel

karaokeman wrote: »

Hey did you hear Michael Jackson and Stephen Gately are happy?

Because heaven has a Winehouse

scwazrh

Agonist wrote: »

Ya can't beat the old ones :pac:


Canada VS United States

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

It would have been some crack to be in that lighthouse!

Will I Amnt

A cripple and a hunchback were sitting at the bar of their local one evening when the hunchback decides he's going to take a walk to get some air.

He sets off down the town cutting across the graveyard for a shortcut.
Just as he reaches the far end of the graveyard he hears a booming voice "hey you,get over here".The hunchback turns around to see the devil standing in the shadows,trembling with fear he decides he better do as he's told and makes his way over.

Just as he approaches,the devil roars "what's that on your back?"
"it's a hump" the hunchback replies.
"gimme that hump,I want that" says the devil.And with that he swipes the hump off him and sends him on his way.

The hunchback gets out of there as quick as he can.
Only when he's back out onto the street does he realise he now has perfect posture and is completely cured of his affliction.
He runs back down to the pub and can't contain his delight as he shouts to his crippled friend 
"the devil is up in the graveyard doing favours,he cured me of my hunchback,you should get yourself up there"

After seeing how his friend was cured the cripple grabs his crutch and makes his way as quick as he can to the graveyard.
He walks around for a while,no sign of the devil,just as he's about to leave the devil appears by the gate
"hey you,get over here"
The cripple excitedly makes his way over
"yes sir?" he asks.
"what's that on your back?"snarls the devil.
"nothing sir" the cripple replies confused.
"well here's a hump"

loremolis

Josef Fritzel has condemned the London riots and has blamed irresponsible parenting.
He said "You never saw my kids out on the streets like that".

R P McMurphy

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes

thee glitz

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

What do you call an Irishman thrown against a wall?

Rick O'Shay

Of course, it's not his real name.
http://www.atlantic252.com/133

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bar man gave her one.

gernon

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,



"but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

uberalles

85 percent of male smokers who try Camel go back to women.

gernon

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "€150!" she cried, "€150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been €20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan..."

woysworld

The Statue of Liberty is closing for a year to get a $27 million renovation, which is $3 million less than what Heidi Montag spent on hers.:D

fred funk }{

One day Quasimodo returned back to the bell-tower where Esmirelda was. When he entered the tower he noticed Esmirelda had a wok in her hand, he asked her was she cooking dinner, she said "no I'm ironing your fooking shirt".

Poor Uncle Tom

After lots of years Esmirelda got Alzheimer's and one day Quasimodo returned back to the bell-tower where Esmirelda was, she didn't recognise him and asked "who the f**k are you?"
"I'm Quasimodo" he said.
"I don't know the name, but that face rings a bell" she said.

--Kaiser--

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

After lots of years Esmirelda got Alzheimer's and one day Quasimodo returned back to the bell-tower where Esmirelda was, she didn't recognise him and asked "who the f**k are you?"
"I'm Quasimodo" he said.
"I don't know the name, but that face rings a bell" she said.

There was an opening for bell ringers at a church. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job.

Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there`s a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man`s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...

"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother."

Thatnastyboy

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

bell ringers joke."

ehm post # 1434???

Joke:

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up a hammer and saw.

Did you hear about the lazy plumber?

He wouldn't do a tap.

--Kaiser--

Thatnastyboy wrote: »

ehm post # 1434???

Joke:

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up a hammer and saw.

Did you hear about the lazy plumber?

He wouldn't do a tap.

How'd I miss that?

Anyway here's another:

Two nuns were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

The other nun saw this and said, “My, that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”

“It’s a condom,” the first nun replied.

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

“You can purchase them at the pharmacy.”

When the two nuns arrived downtown, the nun with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this dear, sweet nun was interested in condoms. He asked her, “What size do you want?”

The nun thought for a minute and then said, “One big enough to fit a CAMEL!”