The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Frank Black · 08-06-2011 11:37am

Reloc8 wrote: »

A donkey with 3 legs and a squint who plays piano ?
a winky wonky plinky plonky

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations ?
winky wonky plinky plonky honky tonky

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations while making love and breaking wind?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 11:40am

I see you've played winky wonky donky before.

Touchay !

Mr Freeze · 08-06-2011 11:42am

Make them stop!

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 11:50am

Small fellow says to his old man 'hey dad, what's the difference between 'in theory' and 'in practice'.

His da says 'watch this'. He calls into the house to his wife 'here missus, would you sleep with the neighbour for a million quid'. She says 'of course I would, at the drop of a hat'. He shouts up the stairs to his daughter (who is of age of course) 'here young one would you sleep with the neighbour for a million quid'. She shouts back 'too bleedin' right I would'.

The da looks at the son and says 'you see ?'. The son says 'no da I don't get it'.

The da says 'well son, in theory, we have 2 million quid cash, but in practice, we're living with a pair of hoors'.

kfallon · 08-06-2011 11:54am

Young pregnant wan rings 999 from a phonebox in Tallaght:

"Here I need an ambulance, me waters have broken!"

"Where are you ringing from?" asks the operator

To which she replies "From me gee to me bleedin' knees!"

Galway K9 · 08-06-2011 12:00pm

Mr Freeze wrote: »

Make them stop!

LMAO

donalg1 · 08-06-2011 12:05pm

Sam Vimes wrote: »

Highlight the text to read the punchline

Cheers, would have taken me years to figure that magic out!!

--Kaiser-- · 08-06-2011 12:18pm

Reloc8 wrote: »

Small fellow says to his old man 'hey dad, what's the difference between 'in theory' and 'in practice'.

His da says 'watch this'. He calls into the house to his wife 'here missus, would you sleep with the neighbour for a million quid'. She says 'of course I would, at the drop of a hat'. He shouts up the stairs to his daughter (who is of age of course) 'here young one would you sleep with the neighbour for a million quid'. She shouts back 'too bleedin' right I would'.

The da looks at the son and says 'you see ?'. The son says 'no da I don't get it'.

The da says 'well son, in theory, we have 2 million quid cash, but in practice, we're living with a pair of hoors'.

A variation on a quote attributed to the great George Bernard Shaw:

GBS: Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?

Actress: My goodness, Well, I'd certainly think about it

GBS: Would you sleep with me for a pound?

Actress: Certainly not! What kind of woman do you think I am?!

GBS: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

Plazaman · 08-06-2011 12:19pm

black francis wrote: »

3 legs, squint, plays piano and does elvis impersonations while making love and breaking wind?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs, a squint, who plays piano, does elvis impersonations while making love and breaking wind and also can drive a bus?

Fúckin' Talented

Tazium · 08-06-2011 12:31pm

Why did the crab get out of the sea?

Cause the Sea Weed

SarahBeep! · 08-06-2011 12:46pm

Schodinger's cat walks into a bar....and doesn't.

getz · 08-06-2011 12:56pm

what has 12 legs and 1 eye.............3 blind mice and half a sheeps head

mariaf24 · 08-06-2011 1:02pm

Guess who i bumped into in Specsavers yesterday?

F00kin Everyone :pac:

kfallon · 08-06-2011 1:07pm

Did you see what's making headlines today???

Corduroy pillowcases...... :pac:

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 1:17pm

Gather round children and hear tell of the strange and terrible story of Ricky the Amazing Riding Rooster.

Basically Old Farmer Brown needed a new Rooster, as his old one had popped his clogs. Off he went to the Rooster shop where he first laid eyes on Ricky the Amazing Riding Rooster. Ricky was kept in a special enclosure, full chicken wire walls and a chicken wire roof, perspex outer shield, with airholes, and concrete floor.

He looked like an ordinary average Rooster, and Farmer Brown said us much, but the shop owner shook his head and said 'no siree, why he's the Amazing Riding Rooster'. Farmer Brown says 'what does he ride ? Bicycles ? Tractors ? His good luck on the equity markets ?'. The shop owner said 'nope, nope and nope. Ricky rides every living thing he can possibly lay himself on [ha ha] like there is no tomorrow. We keep him in that container because if we let him roam around with the others why he'd just be riding them all day and all night, all week, all month and all year.'

Farmer Brown couldn't resist the thought of owning such an amazing Rooster, thinking that this would have his hens laying eggs like they never had before so he took Ricky home that day, happy to pay the premium that an Amazing Riding Rooster commands at market.

He got Ricky home, and he let him out of the Ride-Proof travel box the shop owner had provided. Ricky looked around the farmyard, full of dozens and dozens of chickens, slowly made his way over to one of them and began to ride her. He finished her off in double quick time and started on another, then another, then another. By the end of that day he had ridden every chicken in that yard, all four score and seven of them, and that night he started on the Turkeys.

The turkeys took him until dawn (they were taller and required him to take them by surprise as they slept or wait until they walked past him as he perched on a barrel) and then, having run out of fowl of any sort, he found his way in amongst the sheep and started Riding the Ewes.

Farmer Brown was alarmed - this wasn't what he'd bargained for, and he cried 'Ricky, Ricky, stop !. You'll wear yourself out son - keep yourself for the chickens !').

But there was no talking to or shouting at Ricky - he made his way around the sheep and rode every single one of them.

The next day he did the cows - all 300 of them - and the day after he really hit his stride, managing to chase down Farmer Brown's Shire Horse, and the Hunter he rode at the weekend, and work his Amazing Riding talent on them too.

At the end of that day, without having eaten, drank or slept, he'd managed to ride every cat that ever had the misfortune to choose Old Farmer Browns as a place to hide out during the day and dream their feline dreams.

The next morning, Farmer Brown got up and went outside and saw Ricky riding his prize Alsatians as if there was no tomorrow. Despite all his efforts, the Amazing Riding Rooster just couldn't be stopped. Farmer Brown shook his head and went inside for his morning coffee, thinking he'd have to bring this incredible creature back to the shop and trade him for a more simple, less incredible, less amazing, bog standard rooster that would leave the rest of his livestock alone.

He was beginning to fear for the safety of his wife and teenaged daughters too.

He went outside to catch Ricky, put him back in the ride-proof box and bring him back to the shop. But Ricky, for the first time since he'd gotten to the farm, was stretched out face down, unmoving, collapsed in the farm yard, as if he'd simply expired, in the act of having sex with the last Alsatian.

Overhead a Vulture circled. The vulture cawed, as they do, and two or three more joined it. They spiralled down into the farmyward and landed on a fence post. They hopped over to Ricky and began to prepare themselves to feast on his amazing riding corpse.

Farmer Brown shook his head and said 'Oh Ricky. I tried to stop you but you wouldn't listen. I told you you should keep yourself for the chickens. I warned you that no Rooster, even an Amazing Riding Rooster, could keep up the pace you set. I knew you would kill yourself with the Riding, and so it has come to pass.'

'this world was never meant for one as ridey as you'.

Rickey the Rooster opened one eye and looked at Farmer Brown. 'Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.' he said.

'The vultures are getting closer.'

Compton · 08-06-2011 1:19pm

Reloc8 wrote: »

Gather round children and hear tell of the strange and terrible story of Ricky the Amazing Riding Rooster.

Basically Old Farmer Brown needed a new Rooster, as his old one had popped his clogs. Off he went to the Rooster shop where he first laid eyes on Ricky the Amazing Riding Rooster. Ricky was kept in a special enclosure, full chicken wire walls and a chicken wire roof, perspex outer shield, with airholes, and concrete floor.

He looked like an ordinary average Rooster, and Farmer Brown said us much, but the shop owner shook his head and said 'no siree, why he's the Amazing Riding Rooster'. Farmer Brown says 'what does he ride ? Bicycles ? Tractors ? His good luck on the equity markets ?'. The shop owner said 'nope, nope and nope. Ricky rides every living thing he can possibly lay himself on [ha ha] like there is no tomorrow. We keep him in that container because if we let him roam around with the others why he'd just be riding them all day and all night, all week, all month and all year.'

Farmer Brown couldn't resist the thought of owning such an amazing Rooster, thinking that this would have his hens laying eggs like they never had before so he took Ricky home that day, happy to pay the premium that an Amazing Riding Rooster commands at market.

He got Ricky home, and he let him out of the Ride-Proof travel box the shop owner had provided. Ricky looked around the farmyard, full of dozens and dozens of chickens, slowly made his way over to one of them and began to ride her. He finished her off in double quick time and started on another, then another, then another. By the end of that day he had ridden every chicken in that yard, all four score and seven of them, and that night he started on the Turkeys.

The turkeys took him until dawn (they were taller and required him to take them by surprise as they slept or wait until they walked past him as he perched on a barrel) and then, having run out of fowl of any sort, he found his way in amongst the sheep and started Riding the Ewes.

Farmer Brown was alarmed - this wasn't what he'd bargained for, and he cried 'Ricky, Ricky, stop !. You'll wear yourself out son - keep yourself for the chickens !').

But there was no talking to or shouting at Ricky - he made his way around the sheep and rode every single one of them.

The next day he did the cows - all 300 of them - and the day after he really hit his stride, managing to chase down Farmer Brown's Shire Horse, and the Hunter he rode at the weekend, and work his Amazing Riding talent on them too.

At the end of that day, without having eaten, drank or slept, he'd managed to ride every cat that ever had the misfortune to choose Old Farmer Browns as a place to hide out during the day and dream their feline dreams.

The next morning, Farmer Brown got up and went outside and saw Ricky riding his prize Alsatians as if there was no tomorrow. Despite all his efforts, the Amazing Riding Rooster just couldn't be stopped. Farmer Brown shook his head and went inside for his morning coffee, thinking he'd have to bring this incredible creature back to the shop and trade him for a more simple, less incredible, less amazing, bog standard rooster that would leave the rest of his livestock alone.

He was beginning to fear for the safety of his wife and teenaged daughters too.

He went outside to catch Ricky, put him back in the ride-proof box and bring him back to the shop. But Ricky, for the first time since he'd gotten to the farm, was stretched out face down, unmoving, collapsed in the farm yard, as if he'd simply expired, in the act of having sex with the last Alsatian.

Overhead a Vulture circled. The vulture cawed, they do, and two or three more joined it. They spiralled down into the farmyward and landed on a fence post. They hopped over to Ricky and began to prepare themselves to feast on his amazing riding corpse.

Farmer Brown shook his head and said 'Oh Ricky. I tried to stop you but you wouldn't listen. I told you you should keep yourself for the chickens. I warned you that no Rooster, even an Amazing Riding Rooster, could keep up the pace you set. I knew you would kill yourself with the Riding, and so it has come to pass.'

'this world was never meant for one as ridey as you'.

Rickey the Rooster opened one eye and looked at Farmer Brown. 'Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.' he said.

'The vultures are getting closer.'

TL;DR

Reloc8 · 08-06-2011 1:28pm

Better make sure and quote it in full so.

ClareVisitor · 08-06-2011 1:41pm

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling

giles lynchwood · 08-06-2011 8:25pm

Daddy whats a cnut,
brings boy into bedroom where his mother is asleep lifts up the sheet and says
you see that,thats a pssuy,dont touch that you´ll wake up the cnut.

New gardener in the whitehouse got fired today after he asked someone where the spade was

Chuck Stone · 08-06-2011 8:31pm

What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo and a woolly jumper?

A kangaroo-sheep...

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Yodel-eh-hee...

Get the fcuk away from my front door you prick.

.

Tonyandthewhale · 09-06-2011 12:03am

Reloc8 wrote: »

Gather round children and hear tell of the strange and terrible story of Ricky the Amazing Riding Rooster.

Basically Old Farmer Brown needed a new Rooster, as his old one had popped his clogs. Off he went to the Rooster shop where he first laid eyes on Ricky the Amazing Riding Rooster. Ricky was kept in a special enclosure, full chicken wire walls and a chicken wire roof, perspex outer shield, with airholes, and concrete floor.

He looked like an ordinary average Rooster, and Farmer Brown said us much, but the shop owner shook his head and said 'no siree, why he's the Amazing Riding Rooster'. Farmer Brown says 'what does he ride ? Bicycles ? Tractors ? His good luck on the equity markets ?'. The shop owner said 'nope, nope and nope. Ricky rides every living thing he can possibly lay himself on [ha ha] like there is no tomorrow. We keep him in that container because if we let him roam around with the others why he'd just be riding them all day and all night, all week, all month and all year.'

Farmer Brown couldn't resist the thought of owning such an amazing Rooster, thinking that this would have his hens laying eggs like they never had before so he took Ricky home that day, happy to pay the premium that an Amazing Riding Rooster commands at market.

He got Ricky home, and he let him out of the Ride-Proof travel box the shop owner had provided. Ricky looked around the farmyard, full of dozens and dozens of chickens, slowly made his way over to one of them and began to ride her. He finished her off in double quick time and started on another, then another, then another. By the end of that day he had ridden every chicken in that yard, all four score and seven of them, and that night he started on the Turkeys.

The turkeys took him until dawn (they were taller and required him to take them by surprise as they slept or wait until they walked past him as he perched on a barrel) and then, having run out of fowl of any sort, he found his way in amongst the sheep and started Riding the Ewes.

Farmer Brown was alarmed - this wasn't what he'd bargained for, and he cried 'Ricky, Ricky, stop !. You'll wear yourself out son - keep yourself for the chickens !').

But there was no talking to or shouting at Ricky - he made his way around the sheep and rode every single one of them.

The next day he did the cows - all 300 of them - and the day after he really hit his stride, managing to chase down Farmer Brown's Shire Horse, and the Hunter he rode at the weekend, and work his Amazing Riding talent on them too.

At the end of that day, without having eaten, drank or slept, he'd managed to ride every cat that ever had the misfortune to choose Old Farmer Browns as a place to hide out during the day and dream their feline dreams.

The next morning, Farmer Brown got up and went outside and saw Ricky riding his prize Alsatians as if there was no tomorrow. Despite all his efforts, the Amazing Riding Rooster just couldn't be stopped. Farmer Brown shook his head and went inside for his morning coffee, thinking he'd have to bring this incredible creature back to the shop and trade him for a more simple, less incredible, less amazing, bog standard rooster that would leave the rest of his livestock alone.

He was beginning to fear for the safety of his wife and teenaged daughters too.

He went outside to catch Ricky, put him back in the ride-proof box and bring him back to the shop. But Ricky, for the first time since he'd gotten to the farm, was stretched out face down, unmoving, collapsed in the farm yard, as if he'd simply expired, in the act of having sex with the last Alsatian.

Overhead a Vulture circled. The vulture cawed, as they do, and two or three more joined it. They spiralled down into the farmyward and landed on a fence post. They hopped over to Ricky and began to prepare themselves to feast on his amazing riding corpse.

Farmer Brown shook his head and said 'Oh Ricky. I tried to stop you but you wouldn't listen. I told you you should keep yourself for the chickens. I warned you that no Rooster, even an Amazing Riding Rooster, could keep up the pace you set. I knew you would kill yourself with the Riding, and so it has come to pass.'

'this world was never meant for one as ridey as you'.

Rickey the Rooster opened one eye and looked at Farmer Brown. 'Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.' he said.
'The vultures are getting closer.'

That really wasn't worth reading all the way through.

Agonist · 09-06-2011 1:24am

Ya can't beat the old ones :pac:

Canada VS United States

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

jimbob86 · 09-06-2011 1:53am

2 jokes...

Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippy?
Cos he was to far out man!!

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
You cant marmalade your cock up ur womens hole!!

damagegt · 09-06-2011 1:58am

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall ?

Dam

hinault · 09-06-2011 2:05am

This bloke goes off to join a silent sect.
Once every three years you meet the boss of the sect and you get to utter two words.

After three years the bloke gets to meet the boss.
"Have you anything to say".
"Bed. hard" says the bloke.
"Fine" says the boss "do you intend to stay for another thread years".
The bloke nods his head in agreement and goes back to his room.

Another three years passes.
The bloke meets the boss.
"Have you anything to say".
"Food. Terrible" says the bloke.
"Fine" says the boss "do you intend to stay for another thread years".
The bloke nods his head in agreement and goes back to his room.

Another three years passes.
The bloke meets the boss.
"Have you anything to say".
"Room.Freezing " says the bloke.
"Fine" says the boss "do you intend to stay for another thread years".
The bloke shakes his head in disagreement and sits there.

"About time" says the Boss.
"Since you came here, you've done nothing but complain".

(I'll get me coat).

marcsignal · 09-06-2011 2:10am

where did Hitler keep his armies ????

up his sleevies

Spread · 09-06-2011 2:14am

Oldies are best.

Penguin joke as told by a Monkey ........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE

People with sensitive sensibilities, Please do not open.

Reloc8 · 09-06-2011 11:18am

Tonyandthewhale wrote: »

That really wasn't worth reading all the way through.

Jeebus !

Anyone who didn't like it having read it, I regret that your productive time reading an AH thread of jokes on boards.ie has been wasted when you could have been accomplishing something else and I recognise and welcome the diversity involved in the concept of 'humour'. It is important to me and everyone else that you register by posting that you did not like the joke. If you didn't do that, well, where would we be.

Anyone who didn't read it because it was too long I wish you well in your future efforts to overcome the attention span of a newt with which you have been inflicted.

In the meantime lets all move on with our lives and stop quoting the bloody thing in full !:pac:!

Frank Black · 09-06-2011 12:39pm

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Spread · 09-06-2011 1:46pm

Artificial Insemination - "are we there yet?", "are we there yet?"

A first-time wannabe farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed from them and for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are pregnant. He calls the local vet for help. The vet tells him that he should go the artificial insemination way.
He hasn't the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are preggers. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are knocked up.
The aspiring farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep without the aid of a ram. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into a clearing in the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out the window - they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep a couple of times for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes, looks out the window. No good - all still standing. One last try, he tells himself, and loads them all up into the truck and drives them out to the woods. He spends the full day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he is too shagged out to get up. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the sheep are laying down in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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