The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

notwise · 09-08-2011 12:15am

An Irish man picks up his long lost American cousin from the airport for his first visit to Ireland. On meeting him, he realises he's an unmerciful pain in the hole but tries his best to be as friendly as possible.
He takes him back to his car and unlocks it and starts to put his luggage in the back.
"Oh my God is this your car??? In the States we got cars twice, three times the size as this wagon"
"Bite your tongue, say nothing" the Irish guy thinks to himself...
He brings him to a nice spot for a bite to eat just off the M50 and they both order a steak each.
The waitress brings the steak to the table and up he pipes again
"Is that it?? Back home our steaks are double this size!"
Sick to the teeth of listening to him, the Irish guy drives on down the road. They get on down the country to where they're surrounded by lovely scenery, green fields and mountains. The american is chatting so much ****e it's unsufferable. "Our motorways are fifty times the size of these roads man!"
Irish guy pulls in to the side of the road at the gate of a huge field. Theres a donkey quietly grazing just beside the gate.
Out jumps the Irish guy and goes to the boot of the car and pulls out a gun. He climbs over the gate and shoots the donkey in the head, turns around and strolls back to the car and in beside his cousin and says

"****ing Rabbits!"

notwise · 09-08-2011 12:33am

And another!
Paddy Irish man, Paddy Cuban man and Paddy scots man and Paddy Polish man are all in a hot air baloon...
Paddy Cuban man lights up a cuban cigar, takes one drag and throws it out into the sky.
"What the hell are ya doing" scream the rest of the Paddys, "those yokes cost a fortune!"
"Ah you see in Cuba, we've got so many of these Cuban cigars, it doesn't matter if we waste them"
Paddy Scots man then takes out a bottle of Scotch from his bag. Opens it up, takes a gulp and throws it out of the hot air balloon.
"Same as that" he says, "we've got no shortage of whiskey in Scotland, doesn't really matter if we waste it either"
Paddy Irish man hesitates for a minute

Then he catches Paddy Polish man and throws him out of the hot air balloon!

Canard · 09-08-2011 12:52am

I remember at dinner time my parents would give me a knife and fork and I'd bang them on the table until the food was ready

We were quite an incestuous family.

patmac · 09-08-2011 10:39am

I got a phone call from the hospital today.

"Your wife is a bad way," the doctor exclaimed. "She's been involved in a hit and run."

"I'll be there as quick as I can," I replied. "I'm just at the garage getting my bumper fixed."

MetalDog · 09-08-2011 12:30pm

I just picked up my free laptop in PC World . . . apparently the offer was only available in Tottenham.

Canard · 09-08-2011 12:32pm

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

phill106 · 09-08-2011 12:48pm

MetalDog wrote: »

I just picked up my free laptop in PC World . . . apparently the offer was only available in Tottenham.

They should fire the manager...

Imhof Tank · 09-08-2011 1:48pm

How do you confuse a builder's labourer?

Place 3 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick

Panthro · 09-08-2011 1:59pm

Tothenham have signed a new striker, an Italian lad named Grabatelly..
:pac:

pappyodaniel · 09-08-2011 2:10pm

papagormo wrote: »

Tothenham have signed a new striker, an Italian lad named Grabatelly..
:pac:

*puts palm to face.

barone · 09-08-2011 2:27pm

LOOTING SPREADS WEST TO GALWAY

MerryLegs · 09-08-2011 3:28pm

35x wrote: »

Paddy and Mick were on a plane when the roof blew off. Paddy says to Mick " If this plane goes upside down, will we fall out?"
Mick: "No Paddy, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends!":)

Thats unreal :pac:

cruiser178 · 09-08-2011 3:58pm

Imhof Tank wrote: »

How do you confuse a builder's labourer?

Place 3 shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick

I dont get it

Wossack · 09-08-2011 4:16pm

cruiser178 wrote: »

I dont get it

pick, as in pickaxe

Marty McFly · 09-08-2011 4:20pm

Dont know if this will work here sounds better when you say it but sure why not:).

What do you call an Irish man breaking up a fight?

Liam Malone

Bipolar Joe · 09-08-2011 4:27pm

Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman walk into a bar, see a Welshman. They all nod in his direction, saying "Hi." Scotsman tells them "Feck off, you never needed me before."

JFK, Nixon and Clinton were all on the Titanic. It gets hit by the iceberg, and JFK exclaims "Women and children, first!" Nixon shouts "**** the women and children!" Clinton replies "Do we have time?"

--Kaiser-- · 09-08-2011 4:35pm

luvbulmers01 wrote: »

Dont know if this will work here sounds better when you say it but sure why not:).

What do you call an Irish man breaking up a fight?

Liam Malone

What do you call an Irishman thrown against a wall?

Rick O'Shay

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a porch?

Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call an Irish shampoo salesman?

Tim O'Tay

offaly1 · 09-08-2011 4:35pm

Bipolar Joe wrote: »

JFK, Nixon and Clinton were all on the Titanic. It gets hit by the iceberg, and JFK exclaims "Women and children, first!" Nixon shouts "**** the women and children!" Clinton replies "Do we have time?"

brilliant

BuzzFish · 09-08-2011 4:43pm

Paddy and John sitting having a meal one evening in the pub and at the next table a woman starts to choke.

John jumps up and asks the woman if she needs help, she waves her hands.
John turns her around, bends her over the table, pulls down her pant and her knickers. He gets down and licks right up the crack of her arse.

The woman gets such a fright she spits out the food.

As John sits down, Paddy turns to him and says:

Jesus that's impressive, I've never actually seen that Hind-Lick maneuver done before"

cruiser178 · 09-08-2011 5:00pm

Wossack wrote: »

pick, as in pickaxe

That part i get the joke is a 1000 years old but why the builders labourer?

jimmynokia · 09-08-2011 5:23pm

paddy englishman/irishman/scotsman
all 3 on top of a tower
paddy E says to PI and PS i bet you cant drop your watch run down and catch it
PE says i bet i can so he throws it out runs down and its smashed on the ground

PS goes next throws it out legs it down and its smashed on the ground
PI says my turn so he says i bet i can catch it PE and PS says bet you cant,so PI throws his watch out of the tower runs down and catches it.
So PE and PS says how the **** did you do that? PADDY IRISHMAN replies
MY WATCH WAS SLOW.:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

R P McMurphy · 10-08-2011 3:16pm

Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Before you judge a Ukranian, walk a kilometer in his shoes. After that who care? He a kilometer away and you have his shoes. The end

R P McMurphy · 10-08-2011 3:19pm

My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work - If anything its made him more sluggish.

R P McMurphy · 10-08-2011 3:26pm

I saw a poor old lady slip and fall in the street today
At least I think she was poor since she only had £1.60 in her purse

--Kaiser-- · 10-08-2011 3:27pm

Paddy tells Mick hes thinking of buying Labrador.
F**k off says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

******
Whats grey and comes in pints?
An elephant!

R P McMurphy · 10-08-2011 3:40pm

An Aussie who's been walking through the outback for weeks comes to an isolated farm and sees a Sheila leaning over the fence.

"Do you shag" he says?

"No" she says "but you've talked me into it you silver tongued bastard".

veryangryman · 10-08-2011 4:30pm

Class thread- keep em coming folks!

--Kaiser-- · 10-08-2011 4:35pm

Japanese guy goes into a bank to change his money at foreign exchange. Hands in his lot, gets 1000 yen back. Goes in the following week, gives in same amount of money but only gets 900 yen back.
He says to the teller "Why I get less yen today?"
Teller says "Fluctuations"
Japanese guy roars out "Ya well FLUCK YOU EUROPEANS!!"

aviteire · 10-08-2011 4:37pm

This is a good joke(story) to make of your own twist and catch out your freinds with it.......

This is my version :

Didnt leave Cork last night until really late, was wrecked when I got in the car, along the road seen a hitchhiker with a sign for dublin. He looked ok and my age so I thought ill pick him up and he will keep me awake while I drive...anyways, chatting away to him and he seems fine but he had a really big bag on his knee,(when he got in the car first I thought he would just dump in the back) but anyways, so we are driving along and I ran out of small talk so I asked him, whats in the bag? he looked at me and replied "MIND YOUR OWN ****ING BUSINESS"

His responce spooked me a bit so anyways I kept driving and then seen a petrol station, said im pulling in to buy fags and he said he needs to use the toilet. Anyways, he got out and I drove with his bag in the car.
Thats the end of the story, at this stage who ever your telling will say "WHAT WAS IS IN THE BAG THEN"? and the icing on the cake is when you turn and look at them and say "MIND YOUR OWN ****ING BUSINESS"

R P McMurphy · 10-08-2011 4:54pm

Two prostitutes having a natter at the end of the day.

One says, "Have you been busy today?"

The other replies, "Busy!!! I must have had 20 clients at least. I've been up and down those stairs all day long".

"Oh, your poor feet".

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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