The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

barneysplash

This is a true story.

Back in the early 90s, many groups of likely lads and lasses across the land
started going on foreign weekends away on the beer.

This was made possible by cheap flights from the likes Ryanair, British Midland
and EasyJet. Most people were working, and could head off a few times a year
for a piss up and maybe a grope of some foreign talent.

My older brother and his friends, who were at the time in their early 20s,
started to go on these trips every few months - Manchester, Newcastle,
Prague, and of course, Europe's sex and drug capital - Amsterdam.

One weekend my brother and a few of his friends went over to Amsterdam for the first time.

Unfortunately, one of my brother's pals, a chap called Jackie, couldn't go as he was working.

One of the guys on the trip, a chap called Col, wakes up on Saturday Afternoon and
decides to ring Jackie, to let him know what he's missing.

So he heads out of the hostel and finds a telephone box. Col slots in a few
Dutch Guilder coins and dials his friend's house back in Ireland.

*Ring-Ring*

*Ring-Ring*


"Hello?"

"Hello Mrs. Smith, it's Colin, how are you?"

"Ah hello Colin, how are you? Are you having fun in Amsterdam?"

"Ah it's lovely here, the canals and the houses are beautiful. We were in the Van Gogh museum
yesterday and today we're going to go on a tour of the Heineken brewery."

"Oh be-dads, mind you don't have one too many on the tour and fall in a canal, ha ha."

"Ha ha, no I won't, is John there?"

"He is Colin, still in bed as usual. John! It's Colin on the phone for you."

"Well enjoy yourself Colin and I'll see your mam down the town, don't forget and give her a
call as well, won't you?"

"I rang her when we landed yesterday, Mrs. Smith."

"Ah good lad Colin, here he is now - still half asleep as usual, bye Colin, God bless."

"Bye Bye Mrs. Smith."


"Hello?"

"Jackie, it's Col."

"Ah good man Col what's the crack, whats Amsterdam like?"

"Oh man, it's brilliant."

"Yeah?"

"We got here last night and went straight out to the red light district.
We went to a sex show, it was amazing. You should have seen your man's knob
It was like a ruler."

"Yeah? Deadly!"

"Then we went to the coffee shops after that, big lumps of hash laid out in like a salad bar
and you pick what you want and they'll make up joints for you there and then."

"Are ya serious?"

Ah it's mental Jackie, they cops are strolling by the window and we're puffing away and having
a beer. Brilliant."

"Class!"

"It's unbelievable, You'd want to see the women here."

"Oh man I'm raging, I couldn't go."

"Ah here, wait 'til I tell you, Jackie the best thing is these **** booths, they have them everywhere."

"No way!"

"Yeah they're all over the place here. You'd never see anything like them at home."


"LISTEN COL!" shouts Jackie all excited, "BRING ME BACK A PAIR I'M A SIZE 9!"

rolliepoley

A Chinese man dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus," says the china man.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your curry is here."

Ted_YNWA

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was dreaming about Suggs all last night and when I woke this morning I thought now wasn't that Madness

You woke up in Our House in your Baggy Trousers.

chughes

Mr Tibbs wrote: »

I was dreaming about Suggs all last night and when I woke this morning I thought now wasn't that Madness

When you dream of something like this, It Must Be Love. I hope this isn't an Embarrassment for you....

crazygeryy

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse.
(jimmy carr joke)

Witchie

chughes wrote: »

When you dream of something like this, It Must Be Love. I hope this isn't an Embarrassment for you....

aw come here....that was just one step beyond what was called for.

Busted Flat.

Hopefully this thread will go back to jokes, and not turn into a discussing thread.

Witchie

Busted Flat. wrote: »

Hopefully this thread will go back to jokes, and not turn into a discussing thread.

Feck off would ya....this isn't a house of fun you know.

WilyCoyote

Witchie wrote: »

Feck off would ya....this isn't a house of fun you know.

Could have fooled me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ2X9SANsME

everlast75

What's the first sign on madness?



Suggs walking up your front garden

rolliepoley

David Cameron was visiting a primary school. In one class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy'.

No, said Cameron - that would be an accident'.

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'.

‘I'm afraid not,’ explained Cameron, ‘that's what we would call great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'.

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy'.

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Cameron. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'.

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either'.

rolliepoley

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old kerry farmer, who cut it on a gate while working with his cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Enda Kenny and his appointment as Taoiseach.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Kenny fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."

Lon.C

Did you hear Stevie Nicks (from fleetwood mac) has married William Shatner ( star trek)
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.
Her new married name is Stevie Shatner- Nicks

are you serious

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
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It turned into a field......

Michael D Not Higgins

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

on the river

Bump

on the river

Bump

myshirt

Tickle Me Elmo

For quality control, they ensure each Elmo is given two test tickles before they send him to the shop.

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

And how about you, Sarah?"




"I wanna be Kevin’s hooker."

Magnate

I have an EpiPen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;"


or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue
where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks .

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced .

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized .

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.

EunanMac

What do you call two gay Irishmen ?

Patrick Fitzgerald and . . . .

Gerald Fitzpatrick

myshirt

Just began tapping a girl called Peg.

I met her online.

fr336

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction and called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.
'Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."
Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
'Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

Buona Fortuna

Why are men smarter during sex?

Because they're usually plugged in to a fcukin know-it-all

rolliepoley

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -
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"She sells C cells by the sea shore!"

Busted Flat.

rolliepoley wrote: »

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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"She sells C cells by the sea shore!"

Oh jaysus, that beats them all.

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"She sells C cells by the sea shore!"

I hope she doesn't drop them in the ocean, that would be a salt in battery.

wesleysniper38

chughes wrote: »

I hope she doesn't drop them in the ocean, that would be a salt in battery.

She was later arrested by an over eager policeman for casual trading. When she was brought in the Custody Sergeant said-

Put her in a dry cell and we'll charge her later!

wesleysniper38

Shte it was a trap. You bastards all waited for me to make post no.6666....

AARGHHHHHH....................:eek: