The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Michael D Not Higgins

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

He hands over a tenner to the vendor and gets nothing back.

When he complains he is told "change has to come from within."

Reading Reddit too?

Michael D Not Higgins

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

Reading Reddit too?

What does the frog say at the library after looking at a book?

Reddit!

:P

fr336

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns5AJK9qStM

Hitchens

how do you circumcise a whale?






send down four skin divers!

Michael D Not Higgins

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?








Dr Dre

bonzodog2

Comer1 wrote: »

What do you call an ant after eating a feed of beans?

Flagell - ant

I think you mean flatul - ant

Comer1

bonzodog2 wrote: »

I think you mean flatul - ant

No, the answer was correct, the question was supposed to be "What do you call a sadomasochist ant?"

Markcheese

Could it be a penit-ant --- ahem--- had to say it ...

3rdDegree

Comer1 wrote: »

No, the answer was correct, the question was supposed to be "What do you call a sadomasochist ant?"

Sorry, I'm not convinced here bud. Don't mean to offend, but I actually suspect that you may have made a spelling mistake in the first post. Is that possible at all do you think?

3rdDegree

3rdDegree wrote: »

Sorry, I'm not convinced here bud. Don't mean to offend, but I actually suspect that you may have made a spelling mistake in the first post. Is that possible at all do you think?

Don't be so ped-ant-ic!

Curly Judge

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help
alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Aphex

Son walks in on mother in the shower..

Son: (pointing at genitals) "Mammy, what's that?"
Mother: "That's where daddy hit me with the hatchet son"
Son: Jaysus ma! He got you right in the cunt!"

Sir Arthur Daley

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

sin_city

I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the meat hanging high in his shop.

I said 20
He said 50
I said 100!

He said No way....the steaks were too high

Aquagakka

A Sioux warrior was standing surveying his lands when a nuclear bomb exploded in the distance.

He thought to himself,

"I wish I had have said that."

gramar

Aquagakka wrote: »

A Sioux warrior was standing surveying his lands when a nuclear bomb exploded in the distance.

He thought to himself,

"I wish I had have said that."

I've read that several times and the only thing I can see is that it's grammatically incorrect!

Sir Humphrey Appleby

gramar wrote: »

I've read that several times and the only thing I can see is that it's grammatically incorrect!

Smoke signals..duh!

gramar

Sir Humphrey Appleby wrote: »

Smoke signals..duh!

I see, was he going to say mushroom?

TheChevron

Deleted User wrote: »

Don't be so ped-ant-ic!

Don't be such a ped-ant would have been so much better.

A cow called Daisy

A man with only $10 but wanting to get a bj goes into a brothel. He asks the first prostitute, a 19 year old, how much a bj is. She tells him that she charges $50.
Man says "i only have $10, is there anyone here who would charge me less"
Prostitute tell man that her mother still works there and that as she is 50 years of age she usually charges less. He goes to her mother who says she charges $20. As he still doesn't have enough money, he asks that prostitute if there's any way he could be satisfied for $10. Look, she says, my mother is in the kitchen. She is 83 years old and has false teeth and has not worked here in nearly 30 years, you could ask her.
Man goes to the old woman and sure enough she agrees to give him a bj for $10. Afterwards, he says "that is the best bj i have ever had. But why do you only charge $10"
"Ah", she says "when you get to my age you are just glad of a warm drink"

Sir Arthur Daley

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her €200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs." The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."
The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another €200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 minutes". So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll ride the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, ride my mother and then he'll get herpes...

...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!

ShiftStorm

What do you do if a bird poos on your window?

Answer: Don't go out with her again

rolliepoley

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

GerB40

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

Genius...

chughes

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

During the same class the teacher explained that although a double negative could be a positive, a double positive could never be a negative.
Johnny's reply, "yea, right....".

rolliepoley

rolliepoley wrote: »

The schoolteacher asked little Johnny, "Johnny, what is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" Johnny answered, "I don't know, and I don't care."

I once organised a meeting of the Apathy club, but no one bothered to turn up! :pac:

Hitchens

Deleted User wrote: »

I once organised a meeting of the Apathy club, but no one bothered to turn up! :pac:

I used to think I was indecisive........but now I'm not so sure!

Someone once told me that I had anger issues,
That's rubbish and if they ever say it again.






I'll punch their lights out! :mad:


:P

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Hitchens wrote: »

I used to think I was indecisive........but now I'm not so sure!

Wow , that's only the 27th time that's appeared in this thread, how original!:rolleyes:

Hitchens

Sir Humphrey Appleby wrote: »

Wow , that's only the 27th time that's appeared in this thread, how original!:rolleyes:

you trawled through 6000+ posts? ...........how sad!