One-Liner Jokes

brown*eyed*girl

Not exactly a one-liner but short all the same:


A really wealthy man gets a very poor girl pregnant, unplanned of course.

He meets the girls Father and promises him that even though they won’t marry he will make sure the child will want for nothing.

He says

“If it’s a baby boy he’ll inherit a substantial amount of money and a share in the family business”

And

“If it’s a baby girl she’ll inherit a substantial amount of money and some land”

And unfortunately he says “if she loses the baby…” and before he could finish he is interrupted by the poor girls Father who says “you’ll ride her again”!

Capt'n Midnight

How do you make a napkin dance?
You put a lil boogie in it!



Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks. *cymbol crash*

Capt'n Midnight

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. - Emo Philips

I don't mean to b brag or anything...but I was making love to this girl...and from the top of her head...to the tag on her toe....- Emo Philips

Capt'n Midnight

Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?

A: Because so very few of them can dance.

Capt'n Midnight

Arbitrator- A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable -What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney- Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette- The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize -What a crook sees with
Control- A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters- Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse- What an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper- A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes- What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank -What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty- How golfers create divots
Paradox- Two physicians
Parasites- What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist- Helper on the farm
Polarize- What penguins see with
Primate- Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief- What trees do in the spring
Rubberneck- What you do to relax your wife
Seamstress- Describes 250 pounds in a size six
Selfish -What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued- A guy who works on a submarine
Sudafed- Bringing litigation against a government official

Capt'n Midnight

Whats the difference between erotic and kinky?
erotic you use a feather, kinky you use the whole chicken.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

What are the most common last words for a redneck?
"Hey yall, watch this!"

Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the shower? The shampoo directions said "Wash, rinse, repeat."


Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wakeup?
A: Vomit.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Also.... "What do you call bears without ears......... B.

The difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I couldn't care less...

Halitosis is better than no breath at all.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself....unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a
good fantasy.

Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.

I feel much better, now that I’ve given up hope.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power.

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days
attack me at once.

We've been through so much together -- and most of it was your
fault.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a song in my
heart. What scares me is that it was a Barry Manilow song.

Some see things that are and ask why.
Some dream of things that aren't and ask why not.
Some people don't have time for all that crap.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Q. Did you hear about the new birth-control pill for men?
A. You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Don't buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.
It's not big, and it's not clever.

Q) What do you caall a deerwith no eyes?
A) No idea!

Q) What do you call a dead deer with no eye?
A) Still no idea!


What's the difference between a duck??
whether he walks to school or carries a pail.

Why did Timmy fall off his bike?
Because he was a fish.



Q. What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say?
A. Aaaarrrr, 'tis driving me nuts.

Did you know 78% of all women are battered?
And here I've been eating all the plain ones!

ok a homosexual, a pedophile and a priest walk into a bar, but thats JUST the first guy...

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when
it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What Do You Call Kids Born In Whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

I hope that life isn't just one big joke, because I don't get it.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s a scenic route...

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Stupid? I don't know the meaning of the word!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it?

Current death rate: One per person.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

You mean gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Incompatibility can be a good thing! The man has income, and the woman is pattable.

Capt'n Midnight

q: What do you call a smart blonde?
a: A golden retriever

Welcome to Florida--Where the water's brown and the hair's blue.

Welcome to Delaware--Only 15 more miles to New Jersey!

Welcome to Alabama--Place redneck joke here.

Welcome to West Virginia--Our family trees may not fork, but our roads sure as hell do.

Welcome to Missouri--We have ways of making you mispronounce the letter 'i.'

Welcome to North Carolina--Thank you for smoking.

Welcome to Hawaii--Now how the hell did you drive here?

Welcome to Texas--where all 5'2" women are 5'7".

Welcome to Texas--We no longer execute retards.

Welcome to Texas--Our children is learning to read.

Welcome to Texas--All of the ignorance of the South with none of the modesty!

Q. Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A. It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

you know why the ladies all like jesus?
Cause he's hung like this (spread arms wide)

Jesus walks into an inn and says to the innkeeper, "Can you put me up for the night?"

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
1.His first name was Jesus.
2.He was always in trouble with the law.
3.His mother did not know who his father was.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
1.He went into his father business.
2.He lived at home until the age 33.
3.He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
1.He never got married.
2.He never held a steady job.
3.His last request was a drink.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1.He talked with his hands.
2.He had wine with every meal.
3.He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
1.He called everybody 'brother'.
2.He had no permanent address.
3.Nobody would hire him.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
1.He never cut his hair.
2.He walked around barefoot.
3.He invented a new religion.

Q- What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A- One less drunk

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
One, if you slice him thin enough

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Q. Did you here about the guy who drowned in his muesli?
A. A strong current pulled him in.

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
22) Procrastinate Now!
24) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
25) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
28) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
31) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Did you see the latest pirate movie?
No? Probably because it was rate AAAARRRRRR!

"A TV may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer!"


What do you call a door that isnt a door?
a Jar

What's the difference between fish and mountain goats?
Fish muck around in fountains...

What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute in a bath?
The nun has a soul full of hope...

I use to date a midget. I was nuts over her!


How do you get a base player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.
The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.


Whats teh difference between an iraqi soldier and a british soldier?
you dont know?? Welcome to the US airforce!

A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”
“Of course not,” he says. “I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

Q: what three two-letter words mean small?
A: is it in ?

Q. What do you call a spaniard who got his car stolen?
A. Car-los

Q. What do you call 2 spaniards playing basketball?
A. Juan-on-Juan

Q. What do you call a spaniardwith no car?
A. Juaquin

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that the others enjoy it ?

It may take a village to raise a child, but.... It takes only one child to raze a village.


"Jesus used to be my co-pilot. But then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him."

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, it would have been called a TEETHbrush.

Seen on bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash. He's married.

A dog walks into a bar with its leg in a sling and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

How does a duck pay for chapstick

mad m

Hear about the gay cowboy? Rode into town and shot up the sheriff.Ba dom bish!

How did Hitler die?

He seen his gas bill.

OutlawBlues

BioHazRd wrote:

Guys 'n' gals

lets keep it civil around here, I don't want to have to go editing posts and banning people on a daily basis. Please use a little cop on.

The charter is there to be read !!

aftershock banned for a month for his racist joke (this is is second time to be banned - next time it's permanent)

alienhead banned for a week for posting a dead baby joke.

Bio

<snip>

Banned

Hagar

Aw FFS, log off and give us all a break.

Sharp

A drunk walks upto a man looking under the bonnet of his broken car
"Whats up Mate,HIC" asks the drunk
"Piston broke" replies the man
"Yeah me too" replies the drunk

fobster

Did you here about the architect?

His career is in ruins.


Why do the Greeks act so high and mighty?

Because they think they are beta than everyone else!


If you're going out to a party always bring a ten ton polar bear along...it's great for breaking the ice!

mikep

Did you hear about the magic tractor?....It turned into a field!!:eek:

Here's my personal favourite..has to be spoken:

What do you call a fish with no eyes??.....A fsh!

My girlfriend had crabs- i bought her fishnet stockings

I saw a Stationary store move!

rsteve

WHAT DID THE PLUMBER SAY TO HIS GIRLFRIEND

ITS ALL OVER FLO:


:cool: :mad: :eek:p

Victor

fobster wrote:

Did you here about the architect?

His career is in ruins.

Archaeologist?

Capt'n Midnight

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." ~Sam Levenson

"Cogito ergo spud: I think therefore I yam." Graffito

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. - I hate necks." ~Steve Martin

"When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, 'Los Angeles 445 miles,' I said to myself, 'I've got to get out of this lane." ~Franklyn Ajaye

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. ~Steven Wright

"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic." ~Lily Tomlin

"The dead actor requested in his will that his body be cremated and ten percent of his ahes thrown in his agent's face." ~Unknown

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." ~Robert Orben

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place." ~Steven Wright

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." ~Emo Phillips

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." ~Jerome K. Jerome

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because your brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." ~Covert Bailey

"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water." ~W.C. Fields

"Ignore previous cookie." ~message in a fortune cookie

"There is no distinct American criminal class--except Congress." ~Mark Twain

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."~Mark Twain

"There will be a rain dance Friday, weather permitting." ~George Carlin

"Never let a computer know you're in a hurry." ~Unknown

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted." ~Steven Wright

"Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach." ~Steven Wright

"We had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually." ~Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything." ~Bill Lyon

"I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name." ~Paula Poundstone

"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country." ~From Saturday Night Live

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." ~Steven Wright

"It took me an hour to bury the cat because it wouldn't stop moving." ~From The Monty Python Show

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is." ~Ellen DeGeneres

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?" ~Steven Wright

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out." ~Steven Wright

"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on." ~Robert Byrne

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." ~Steven Wright

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?" ~Steven Wright.


I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Huh?".

people who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl with my bike, and it was the most tramatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it all about her leg. Like my pain meant nothing.

"The crows seem to be calling my name." thought Caw

Even though I was their captive, the Indians still allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all, but only dirty clothes hampers
Lessons of Life

Capt'n Midnight

.

ek942

why did the tortoise cross the road? To get to a shell station.

conky_05

Where does Saddam keep his CD's ?

In Iraq

uncle ernie

conky_05 wrote:

Where does Saddam keep his CD's ?

In Iraq

Stevie Wonder reckons he'll never play Dublin. He can't see the point

Victor

Boo-urns!!!

condra

uncle ernie wrote:

Stevie Wonder reckons he'll never play Dublin. He can't see the point

lol

Hakumei Naru

Very bad one I read in a comic when I was nine:

- What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
- Bugs Bunny

mazroo

THIS IS THE BEST PAGE EVER.....

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the sea----
bob


what do you call a man with no arms or legs at the front door----
Matt


A girl with no arms or legs on a swing----
fcuked

What you call a donkey with one leg---
wonkey

what doyou call a donkey up a tree----
monkey

ahhhh lots

plonk

James Brown walks into a bar and says OWWWWWWW!

Hagar

funeeeee:D

AliceH

A man walks into the doctors wearing nothing but clingfilm pants.He says "Doctor Doctor I don't know what's wrong with me!" to which the Doctor immediately replies "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

rcaz

What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit?

"Will the defendant please rise."

Capt'n Midnight

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick."
"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."