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One-Liner Jokes

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    #452
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    What key opens every lock?

    A Pikey!!!


    B.


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    #453
    largewang
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭largewang


    Raz wrote:
    What do you call a fly with no legs?
    A walk

    Whats the last thing that comes into a flys head as he hits a car windscreen?
    His ass
    whats all this "spoiler" business either you're tellin the joke or not........................................sap


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    #454
    Shabadu
    Registered Users Posts: 7,659 ✭✭✭Shabadu


    largewang, welcome to Boards.ie. Personal insults are not generally looked on kindly here. Check out the Newbie/FAQ forum if you have any questions.


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    #455
    The Free Man
    Registered Users Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭The Free Man


    Whats green but turns red at the flick of a switch?
    A frog in a blender.....


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    #456
    condra
    Registered Users Posts: 3,849 ✭✭✭condra


    jokes about cruelty to animals, women, poles, travellers, lesbians, disabled people, ....

    Sgskes joke must have been VERY POOR TASTE..


    anyone got any irish paddy jokes?

    oops sorry i forgot it was the 21st century.

    ..

    yes i am a grumpy vegetarian travelling polish lesbian with no legs with no sense of humour... got a problem with that paddy?


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    #457
    air_vent
    Closed Accounts Posts: 219 ✭✭air_vent


    I posted a link to the Mitch hedbeg wikipedia site too many to post here some class one liners!!!!

    http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg


    Some samples!!!

    I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

    My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them

    My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero


    I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


    Some real gems there enjoy!!!




    P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated


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    #458
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,749 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a grumpy vegetarian travelling polish lesbian with no legs with no sense of humour ?.

    Ok what's 200m long and eats vegetables ?
    A Polish meat queue.
    In 1970.


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    #459
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,749 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Stupid safety announcments "Nn case of fire please leave by the exits"

    Now call me stupid but given a choice between two walls and a gap, I'll go for the gap every time.


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    #460
    jcoote
    Registered Users Posts: 3,968 ✭✭✭jcoote


    what capt'n


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    #461
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    Tell us, I want to watch the movie, I can't sit here all night.


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    #462
    *lucy lu*
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭*lucy lu*


    declan muffet, glenamaddy

    u need t hear d rest o d joke t get it... bu dat Tommy Teirnan cracks me up! :):):):):):):):):):):):):)


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    #463
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,749 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    "I haven't seen you around here."
    "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
    "So you're single?"


    I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


    My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


    Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"


    My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.


    My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.


    She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


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    #464
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,749 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do crazy people go through the forest?
    They take the psycho path.

    How do you get holy water?
    Boil the hell out of it.

    What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
    Polaroids.

    What do prisoners use to call each other?
    Cell phones.

    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

    What do you call Santa's helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
    Quatro sinko.

    What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.

    What is a zebra?
    26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

    What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
    The taste.

    Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
    They're trying to get away from the noise.

    Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    Because they have big fingers.


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    #465
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    did ya ever rape some one?

    But seriously, what's the difference between a pub and a clitorus?
    Most men can find a pub.


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    #466
    Nosh*tsherlock
    Registered Users Posts: 47 ✭Nosh*tsherlock


    Bloke goes to the doctor, says, 'Doctor I can't pronounce my 'f's, 't's or 'h's.
    Doc says, 'Well, you can't say fairer than that.';)


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    #467
    gerTheGreat
    Registered Users Posts: 871 ✭✭✭gerTheGreat


    <snip>

    ger - your gonna be banned for that shite when I get around to it - please read the forum rules before posting

    Bio


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    #468
    condra
    Registered Users Posts: 3,849 ✭✭✭condra


    < bloody 'eck ger! youre one sick puppy


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    #469
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,749 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm addicted to placebos. I've tried to give them up.
    But after a day or two I rationalise if it would make any difference...


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    #470
    bozzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭bozzie


    did ya hear about the magic tractor

    it went down the road and turned into a field


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    #471
    mchurl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 992 ✭✭✭mchurl


    Did you hear about the fight in the chipper?


















    The sausage got battered!:D


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    #472
    luckat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,366 ✭✭✭luckat


    Woman walks into a bar and says to the barman gimme a double entendre, so he gave her one.

    ----

    Why do they call camels the ship of the desert? Because they're full of Arab seamen.

    (Sorry, that's revolting, I know.)

    Two hydrogen atoms walking down the street; one says to the other, why do you look so sad? The other says, I just lost an electron. The first: You sure? The other: yeah, I'm positive.


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    #473
    Livewire304
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭Livewire304


    A man is walking his two dogs when another man comes up to him and asks " are those Jack Russells? No says your man there mine!!!


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    #474
    BusinessTime
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14 ✭BusinessTime


    Why did Mary fall off the swing? ...........Cause she had no arms.

    Why couldn't Mary get back up? ..........Cause she had no legs.

    Why did no one offer to help her up? .......Cause she had no friends.

    <snip>

    Fergal


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    #475
    BioHazRd
    Registered Users Posts: 2,088 ✭✭✭BioHazRd


    BusinessTime

    You are a muppet - if you think that anything even remotely racist is funny you have come to the wrong forum - consider this a warning

    Bio


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    #476
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,749 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    yore ma's so fat - she uses a boomerang to put on her belt


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    #477
    bozzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭bozzie


    yo mamas so stupid she worked in an m&m factory and trew away all the ones with w on em


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    #478
    NikNik
    Closed Accounts Posts: 221 ✭✭NikNik


    yo mama's so hairy her nipples have afros


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    #479
    bozzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭bozzie


    yo mamas so fat when she ears high heels she strikes oil


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    #480
    Hagar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,793 ✭✭✭✭Hagar


    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


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    #481
    Prior Of Taize
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 603 ✭✭✭Prior Of Taize


    *lucy lu* wrote:
    declan muffet, glenamaddy

    u need t hear d rest o d joke t get it... bu dat Tommy Teirnan cracks me up! :):):):):):):):):):):):):)



    its Declan Moffet...not muffet....if its so great you should at least remember it


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